DETROIT — Local mother Sheryl Carter purchased her 30-year-old Juggalo son a big red clown nose and a pair of cartoonishly large shoes in a desperate bid to finally connect as a family, confirmed multiple sources.
“I thought this would surely work, I mean he and his friends love all that clown stuff, but every time I try to reach out like this he just tells me I’m a dumb bitch and sprays Faygo into my face,” said Mrs. Carter. “I’ve done everything I can think of, but it all seems to further enrage him and bring on even more intense Faygo-based punishments. He kept going on and on about wanting to attend some gathering of all these clowns, so I saved up my money and blindfolded him and drove him there, he seemed really excited before I dropped him off and left, but when he finally got back from Clown College two weeks later he didn’t speak to me for months.”
Carter’s son Jonathan insists this is just another example of his parents not understanding his lifestyle.
“No matter how many times I explain, she doesn’t understand that I am only interested in insane clowns, like the ones that snort coke off of people’s asses and talk about murdering each other with hatchets, not the lame clowns that are all about useless things like sparking laughter and joy in the hearts and minds of children,” said the devoted Juggalo. “I was stoked when she told me she pulled some strings so I could meet Shaggy, but I just wound up in a room with a college kid in a Scooby Doo costume. She also got me a Cameo of the guy who sang “It Wasn’t Me” dressed as Bozo, which had to have cost her a shitload of money.”
The Insane Clown Posse themselves have spoken up about this issue, revealing some shocking information.
“Yo, we straight up love normal clowns though, they fly as fuck. Goofy ass motherfuckers always spraying people with seltzer, that’s funny as fuck,” said Shaggy 2 Dope. “The whole ‘insane clown’ kind of just got away from us, for years we have been trying to reel it back towards normal clownhood to no avail. Every time we take one gigantic shoe’d step forward, we wind up taking two unicycle rides backward.”
It has been said by neighbors that this isn’t the first time Sheryl Carter has made this type of mistake with her children, as she once purchased Emo Phillips Greatest Hits for her daughter who had initially requested a My Chemical Romance record for Christmas.