DURHAM, N.C. — Local drug hookup Benjamin Wertner is reportedly only known to clients by his first name and one of the assortments of narcotics he peddles, sources who can’t be bothered to ask how to spell a last name confirmed.
“It’s just easier this way. I know a few Bens and if I had to go around deciphering last names like some kind of name nerd I’d never have the time to snort all this fucking cocaine,” explained Ricky Glassman, a customer of Wertner for nearly five months. “And it’s not like he’s the only one I did this for. My caseworker is saved as ‘William Court on Monday,’ my landlord is ‘Gary Sink Broken,’ and even my girlfriend I have as ‘Jill Vodka Medium Boobs.’ I’m not playing favorites – it’s just my way.”
Wertner expressed displeasure at being reduced to such a superficial aspect of his life.
“I’m more than just the, ahem, products I offer. I think of the people I sell to less as customers and more as friends, so it’s so degrading that they don’t feel the same,” said Wertner while grinding up another bottle of baby aspirin. “I guess I just wish people would appreciate me for me, not because I can give them a deal with $4 off on an eight-ball. I guess I should expect this, not a single one of my customers came to my improv graduation show.”
Herbert Slanchsky, a surveillance specialist for the NSA, gave his professional perspective on personal contact methodology.
“Thank god for this idiot-proof tech industry! Those Silicon Valley eggheads have made gathering intelligence on people almost too easy. Back in the rotary phone days you basically had to listen to every second of a hundred phone calls, but now you can just quickly scroll through someone’s contacts to learn everything you need to know,” revealed Slanchsky. “It’s actually kind of sad now that I think about it. Invading people’s privacy used to be so intimate, but now it feels completely impersonal. Maybe I’ll call this Ben and buy a little ‘pick-me-up’ from him.”
At press time, Wertner had received fifteen missed calls from a number listed as ‘UNKNOWN, BUT DEFINITELY NOT THE FEDS.’