Animal Rights Win: Injured Jockeys Will Be Shot At This Year’s Kentucky Derby

Posted on by Casey Smith

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Officials at Churchill Downs announced that, for the first time ever, jockeys participating in this year’s Kentucky Derby will be shot on the track if they are injured during the race, bloodthirsty horse racing enthusiasts confirmed.

“When it comes to racehorses, I’m the balance between life and death. The killer of worlds. I’ve replaced the black hooded robe and scythe for candy-colored polos, khaki cargo shorts, a handgun, and large white shoes that prevent my abbreviated disk from flaring up,” said David Hunts, resident horse executioner of the Kentucky Derby. “Over the decades I’ve grown so used to shooting 3-year-old horses that the idea of shooting five-foot tall, hundred-pound jockeys in their twenties seemed out of this world. I think the people in the stands are really going to love it. I’ve already had to shoot a few jockeys during some practice rounds and those guys pretty much explode when shot.”

As far as how the jockeys feel, they’re vehemently against the decision when it comes to their possible murder on the track.

“We fear for our lives now, honestly,” stated a jockey who requested to remain anonymous for a wide range of reasons. “I hid a fancy Derby hat and cocktail dress in my locker if I was feeling bloated or having gas the day of the race. Since horses can be put down over colic, I’m frantically checking my anus in a mirror to make sure it’s not shifting. If I’m still feeling unsure, I’ll throw on that big ass hat and dress to hopefully disappear into the sea of wealthy twenty-somethings drinking Mint Juelps in the stands”.

The sports betting world has been rattled in regard to the new likelihood of race outcomes.

“This ‘shooting of jockeys’ rule adds a whole new dynamic to our already questionable and complicated world of sports betting” noted legendary bookie Nancy “Whistles” Fazzoli. “I’ve seen decades of controversy, horses failing drug tests, mysterious murders, and horses stripped of wins, so making the jockeys fair game not only makes me feel better because the horses used to be always at fault, but now we can easily make the jockeys a chess piece in our corruption.”

At press time, the positive reaction to jockeys being killed has led to Churchill Downs to enact a new “Executioner for a day” program for teenagers looking to break into the field.

So You Created Your First Viral Video, Here’s All You Need To Know about Recycling the Same Premise Hundreds of Times and Never Growing as a Person

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

Congratulations. You finally went viral! That cell phone video of you slipping in a puddle of Alfredo sauce at the grocery store took off so fast— as if the lightning forcefully escaped that bottle of Prego that once held it captive before it shot into the stratosphere and took you along with it. You’re about to play with the big boys now that your video hit three million views in a week.

But with great viral fame comes great viral responsibility… to never grow as a person as you continue to find new ways to get the attention that you never knew you so desperately craved before that fateful trip down aisle eight.

You’ve got a long road ahead of you, but it doesn’t have to be a difficult one. By simply peeling back the scales of your lizard brain, you too can lean into the premise that spawned your success by happenstance and make it your entire identity.

No pen. No paper. No character development is required.

Just keep slipping on that sauce and yell out the catchphrase that happened entirely by accident on the first video (“OH! It’s slippy!”) until they find you on the floor of your unfurnished apartment, half decomposed next to your ring light and green screen setup three years from now when your channel gets demonetized and you lose your paid partnership with that shaving company or whatever. But by then you’ll have met Jake Paul that one time and almost say hi to him, and that’s pretty sick.

As you get a little more experimental when your viewership eventually plateaus, just carry out the same premise, but make it a little more edgy. Go to the store naked. Buy one of those lapel microphones and take your bit on the road. Make strangers uncomfortable and ask them hard questions. And then do the sauce thing hoping somebody recognizes you when the police come because according to most common decency laws, you’re just harassing people who are trying to walk to work for internet clout. Come on, now. This is your calling!

This is why you were put here on this Earth.

You should thank your lucky stars that your digital footprint will eventually prevent you from getting a steady job because being the Slippy Sauce man is the essence of your being, for at least another couple of weeks.

Parent Playing Animal-Themed Playlist at Children’s Party Beginning to Think Toadies Song Not About Possums

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

SAN DIEGO – Local parent Nicholas Klein began to question the playlist he made for his kid’s wild animal-themed birthday party after finally paying attention to the lyrics from The Toadies single “Possum Kingdom,” Sources confirmed.

“I just thought, you know, I’d find a bunch of songs with animal names in the title. Plus the band was called The Toads or something,” said Klein. “I figured they were like The Wiggles or something, just making some fun rock songs for kids. I mean it all starts out fine enough about a walk around a lake. You know, Sammy loves lakes. But then it started talking about lovers and stuff and I got pretty anxious. They asked if I wanted to die like 10 times. And that’s when my wife started screaming ‘Alexa pause!’ over and over again and pulled me into the garage to call me a moron.”

Autumn Liston, a six-year-old attending the party, was particularly pleased by the song.

“I love rock music, it rocks,” said Liston while throwing up the devil horns and jumping around in a circle. “It was especially cool when my dad kept yelling ‘turn this off, turn this off.’ When he gets made his face gets really red, and I thought he was about to explode. Then I saw my dad push Sammy’s dad, it was so funny. That’s what rock music does to you though.”

Jeremy Mayo, a ‘90s Alternative Rock Expert, says new parents often don’t understand the themes of ’90s-era rock songs.

“I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times. People put together a throwback playlist for a wedding or a kids’ party, they think, ‘Hey, Semi Charmed life. That’s upbeat. That’s fun.’ And suddenly grandma is singing about going to Bone Town high on meth. Or ‘Oh, Basket Case, I love baskets. And we’re a cooky crazy family,’ and then they’re doing karaoke at their daughter’s sweet sixteen telling everyone about how they solicited services from a prostitute who was referred to them by their very unprofessional therapist,” said Mayo. “You don’t even want to know how bad it is on the 4th of July. People will throw The Presidents of the United States of America on anything willy nilly and then realize too late that what they thought was an ode to summer fruit is actually about finger-banging.

Nicholas is reportedly looking forward to the rest of the playlist now that he’s removed all ‘90s alt rock songs. He expects to have no problem with “Black Mambo,” “I Wanna Be Your Dog,” and “Tusk.”

“I’m Intermittent Fasting” And 10 Other Lies to Tell Your Friends When You’re Too Hungover to Eat

Posted on by John Adkins

You did it again. The allure of drinking until you blackout was just too tempting, so here you are on another Tuesday, waking up at 4 p.m. with a hangover so bad you think your skeleton might explode. Your friends want to grab a bite to eat, but you know if you touch anything that resembles food for the next hour you’re going to ralph and your so-called friends will stage another intervention. Here are 10 quick lies to keep in your pocket so they don’t suspect a thing.

“Oh, No Thank You––I Actually Ripped SO MUCH Ozempic on the Way here”

Trust us, your friends will be SUPER impressed that you had the funds to score some Ozempic. And if they aren’t, they’ll be so friggin’ jealous of your new “self-care” routine that it’ll send ‘em into a shame spiral for the ages. Yep! Dinner’s canceled––let’s all go home and drink some hot water.

“Yeah, I Think Those PBRs Gave Me Food Poisoning or Something.”

Ok, the “food poisoning” excuse can be a little flimsy, especially because your friends are acutely aware of the fact that you ate absolutely NOTHING last night and went straight for the brewskis. So that’s why we’re doubling down by blaming your food poisoning on the PBRs. And if anyone tells you that it’s impossible to get food poisoning from some beers you just say, “Hey Brian. I know for A FACT that you got food poisoning last week from that beer-battered cod at Long John Silvers. And why were you so quick to blame the fish? Maybe it was the beer batter! Are you anti-fish, Brian? Are you?” Look, Brian probably won’t be your friend anymore, but at least no one will wanna coerce you into eating.

“Andrew Huberman Says That Eating Isn’t Actually That Good for You”

Cut the crap. We know you’ve been bragging to your friends about all the “studies” you’ve been “reading.” And by “reading” we mean listening to podcasts from which you retain zero information. So while you’re at it, you might as well drop this little nugget from Dr. Huberman. It’ll either totally impress your friends or send your buddy Brian on a super boring tangent about zone two cardio. Either way, no one will even notice that you’ve slipped away to vomit into a Chipotle guac container.

“You Guys Need FOOD for SUSTENANCE? That’s So Soft”

Now, this is where you need to be ready to drop your manifesto about living in a post-food reality. While the rest of your friends chomp on so called “protein,” you need to be talking about how you’re subsisting off of vibes (*so much Pedialyte*) alone like the biohacking badass that you are. It doesn’t matter if your spiel doesn’t make any sense. What matters is that your friends don’t ever wanna eat food in front of you ever again.

“How DARE You Eat When *Insert Literally Any Global Crisis* Is Going On?”

Look, if the world’s going to shit, you might as well use it to your personal gain! Plus! This excuse will make you look like a really cool and awesome person (*totally and inherently self-righteous*). So yeah, when you drop this suck on your friends, you’ll either guilt them into chucking their açaí bowls in the trash or kill the vibe so hard that you’ll magically send everyone into a depression nap.

“I’m Not Hungry But Here! Let Me Buy You a Snack!”

If you don’t make it to the restaurant and need to tell your friend to pull over so that you can *discreetly* blow chunks in a gas station bathroom, this excuse is perfect. Everybody knows you gotta buy a snack to get access to the puke palace, so you might as well feed your hungry friend in the process! They can’t ask you questions about why you’re still rockin’ your piss-stained skinny jeans when they’re munchin’ on Corn Nuts! Oh! And you should buy them a Liquid Death cuz we just learned that those suckers are actually just sparkling water and not ballistic, gasoline-infused energy drinks.

“If I’m Eating, How Can I Tell You My Story About How I Bought a Sentient Being on Temu Last Week?”

Ok, so we’re not super sure if this one will work. But hey, we’d LOVE to see you try it out. Just tell your friends that you were trying to buy a pair of knockoff AirPods on Temu, and next thing you know a fucking alien chrysalis pops up on your doorstep and guess what? It hatches immediately and now you’re responsible for a random-ass alien named “Maurice.” And, apparently you can’t send Maurice back. That’s not a Temu rule, but it IS a Maurice Rule.

“I Just Haven’t Been Eating Since ‘Cowboy Carter’ Dropped”

WHO’S GONNA GO AGAINST BEYONCE? WHO? I mean, probably your stupid friend Brian.

“According to Gwyneth Paltrow, I’ve Already Eaten Enough Food This Year”

So we’re not sure if our gal Gwyneth actually said this, but the subtext is that you are now the kind of person who eats a single almond for dessert and buys stuff from a skincare brand that rhymes with poop. And yeah. None of your friends gonna want to dine with you ever again.

“I’m Saving My Appetite for a Big, Fat, Healthy Salad Later”

Your friends might’ve dragged you to a godforsaken Sweetgreen, but that doesn’t matter because you’re about to tell your friends about a salad so big and so healthy, it’s gonna have both macro AND micro greens. And NO DRESSING because that’s how healthy THIS fucker’s gonna be. And yeah, it’s gonna be like 90 percent Kale and Swiss chard. So much chard. By the time you’re done explaining this salad to your friends, it’s gonna make their miso glazed salmon look like beer-battered Long John Silvers cod. So take that, BRIAN.

Neoliberal Couple Feels BLM Sign Really Ties 11 Bedroom, 6 Bath House Together

Posted on by Ian Steffé

SALEM, Mass. — Mallory and Piotr Rhodes proudly declared that the small, unassuming Black Lives Matter sign outside their sprawling 11-bedroom, 6-bath mansion is the final touch to reflect their politics and show a welcoming haven for those similarly minded, multiple neighbors who publicly share the exact feelings confirmed.

“We were just so inspired by the movement, you know? We wanted to be part of the change and show the world we are committed to progressive values,” Mrs. Rhodes explained while clutching a $299 bag of fair-trade coffee. “And we adore the diversity here. Like I’m part Italian on my grandfather’s side and I found out a lot of the neighbors have similar mixed-race backgrounds. Like the Klein’s across the street, one of them has a grandfather from Spain. Then there’s another family? I think they’re Chinese? I don’t know, we’ve waved hello to them. We love them. Whatever they’re doing. It’s great.

Chloe St. Onge, the realtor who introduced the happy couple to the location, raved about the many features of the sprawling property.

“There’s so much to LOVE in this progressive oasis” gushed St. Onge. “The open kitchen and sizable dining room for entertaining where Mallory has her book club meetings. There’s a recording studio Piotr has been using to record an Afro-rock album that sounds like Vampire Weekend, but with an edge. The ‘girl boss’ office space where Mallory’s portraits of Frida Kahlo, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and Elizabeth Warren are displayed. Even the media center features a state-of-the-art system where guests can enjoy movies like ‘Crash’ and ‘Green Book.’”

However, not everyone in the neighborhood is impressed. Guillermo Sanchez, a third generation resident of The Point seemed skeptical of the intentions of the Rhodes.

“It’s a shame what they’ve done to this place,” Mr. Sanchez lamented, looking through the high iron bars surrounding the property. “Like up the street at our community church. We had book drives. Dances. It was the heartbeat of the neighborhood to help the kids, and people who were having a hard time. But since these people moved in they call the cops to file a noise complaint about us every time we have an event. We usually wrap up by 7 p.m. but that’s still too late for them apparently.”

As of press time, the couple has briefly taken down the sign but promises to have it back up as soon as Mr. Rhodes’ father is done with his Senate reelection race.

Poser Alert! Those Assholes From the “Punk” CD Compilation Were Paid Actors

Posted on by Ben Friedman

There is something that’s been bothering me for nearly 20 years now, and I’m sure a few of you may have had sleepless nights over it too: that offensively tone-deaf “punk” compilation commercial. You know which one I’m talking about. It was already bad enough that the tracklist was laughable, but to see two punks betray the genre and shill this tripe to us was even more insulting.

But that’s when I discovered the horrible truth. They weren’t punks at all but paid actors!

You’re probably thinking surely no one would sink that low, but the unfortunate truth is that the evil masterminds behind this joke of a mix CD went out and hired two people to pretend to be gutter punks. For money, no less! Had they been real punks, they would’ve beat the shit out of the director on principle for including the Greg Kihn Band.

Go back and watch it, and you’ll see how they were lying to us in plain sight. Pay attention to how clean everything looks, from their skin to their shoes to whatever living room they’re allegedly supposed to be squatting in. Like, not even a single cigarette or empty whiskey bottle in sight? Red flag!

I don’t know what kind of psyop the suits at Westwood Promotions (a CIA front if there ever was one) was running, but paying these stooges to tell us Top 40 new wave and punk were synonymous is downright vile. I even have my doubts about their hair being real.

And to think I was starting to second guess my devotion to the scene! For half a second there I thought I’d missed some memo about Huey Lewis’ “I Want a New Drug” being punk, even ironically. I bet these two boneheads have never in their lives taken unmarked pills from a random guy at a basement show.

I’ve spent years trying to track these imposters, but have come up with nothing. I tried calling the 800 number and it just took me to a psychic hotline. I even went out to Westwood’s headquarters in Colorado Springs and it was just an empty strip mall! These maniacs could still be out there.

It goes without saying that if you encounter them, under no circumstances let them bum a smoke, hook them up with your dealer, or take any of their music recommendations. These posers deserve no quarter.

The Top Ten Most Underrated Island Records Bands That Turned Out to Be Dead the Whole Time

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Peninsulas are overrated; Island Records is underrated. We attempt to bring to your attention in written form the top ten most underrated Island Records bands in alphabetical order. For this list to be as pristine as it truly is, there are a few ground rules for your pleasure/discomfort: Acts like Fall Out Boy, Thrice, Thursday, and The Kids of Widney High are exempt, as they are all way too big to be considered underappreciated, AND no subsidiary label acts are considered either. Some knowledge for your eyes, ears, throats, and gullets: Island Records was founded in 1959 and eventually sold to Polygram thirty years later. Happily the label is still going strong, and sadly you aren’t. In closing, travel to one of NYC’s boroughs, albeit the worst one, hop on a plane with Cooter, and watch “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” right now. Thanks, bros.

Autopilot Off

Major label AND Tim Armstrong approved? Check! Orange County, New Freaking York’s Autopilot Off started, uh, off as a true Cooter and finished their full-length career as AO with a nearly flawless LP named “Make a Sound.” A noise it did make, but unfortunately it was more of a whimper than a bang. Pity as these pop-punk/melodic punk/rock jams still hold up twenty years later! If you like video games, and we know that you do, Autopilot Off have quite a few song placements in video games not named “Kid Icarus.” Fun fact: Autopilot Off released a flawless EP on Island Records too and if you have fourteen minutes, listen to it all OR take a jog; you’re out of shape. You’re forever indebted to us and we know you’re waiting for what you want.

The Bronx

If you caught The Bronx on The Used’s 2004 run supporting their sophomore/most commercially successful LP “In Love and Death” with Atreyu and Head Automatica, you don’t deserve a notice of eviction. If you missed it, we’ve got chills and they’re NOT multiplying. According to legend, the band got signed shortly after their tenth show, and whilst rock press looooved this band, not too many pedestrians like your cousin Felicity knew who they were. While the band isn’t too creative with their album titles, they also are; paradoxes rule. The band’s creative/curious side project Mariachi El Bronx may be bigger than The Bronx, but that’s just one small stone for man and one Spanish handshake for mankind. Punk rock cred peeps may scoff at this band for being on a major label, but so were The Ramones and Ashlee Simpson.

CKY

CKY may have created one of the most singable guitar riffs of all time whilst not creating one of the most singable vocal melodies of all time, but, hey, that’s showbiz! Originally called Camp Kill Yourself, which TOTALLY wouldn’t have gotten the band canceled in the year of our lord known as 2024, West Chester, Pennsylvania’s CKY at their formation featured a relative of a (now former) “Jackass,” a guitarist/vocalist named Deron, and Allen Ginsberg’s non-cousin. 96 bitter beings permanently stan CKY, but mainstream whatsoevers mostly missed out on the acronymed rock and roller skaters. While the band certainly peaked in popularity during the early-aughts period, they’re still cranking shizz out today, and they’re celebrating their 25th anniversary as a band NEXT month on tour!

Damone

Not only will one Damone song feel like you’re out here all night with the band, but two will feel like, uh, two nights out here! Yeah! Originating from Waltham, Massachusetts, a town most famous for being home base to the uber, uber-Jesuit Brandeis University, Damone formed in 2001, and just two years later released their debut LP “From the Attic” via RCA Records. Their sophomore album “Out Here All Night” is the band’s highest quality effort and Island Records was its home base. Self-produced with help from David Spreng, “Out Here All Night” is a high octane true rock and roll record that you dropped the ball on and ruined all things 2007-beyond; thanks, Obama. Want more rock cred? Ok! Damone even covered Iron Maiden’s “Wasted Years,” and said tune closed the LP in style with a new change of heart, AND on your speakers.

Injected

Let’s start this section with something sad: We want to shout out the late guitarist/backing vocalist for Injected, Jade Lemons, who left this earth extremely prematurely in 2016. Now let’s rock: Injected’s lone major label effort, 2002’s “Burn it Black” appeals to fans of Helmet and Butch Walker, who not so coincidentally produced this LP. If you watched WWE AND MTV in the early-aughts, and we know that you did, you likely heard an Injected song once or thrice (NOT MENTIONED IN THE TOP TEN FOR THIS ISLAND RECORDS PIECE, NO NO NO). Eddie Trunk, who is bitter enemies with Ronnie Radke, put this full-length studio album on his top ten list for 2002, and that combined with $6 can buy you a cup of coffee in LA without any of the fixins… Maybe it can in Atlanta? Regardless, Injected rocked more than The Dirty South.

Innerpartysystem

If you ever wished that Nine Inch Nails played Warped Tour, then do WE have the band for YOU: Innerpartysystem. We’re perplexed every hour on the hour, five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes as to why “Don’t Stop” didn’t reach “Mr. Brightside” heights, but such great heights are forever and always in Brooklyn Heights with the Brooklyn Dodgers dodging The Artful Dodger in an artful manner. You never heard of Mohnton, Pennsylvania before and you shan’t again; how do you measure, measure a year? Fun fact: The band eventually remixed Katy Perry’s “Hot n Cold” before it heated up, and not too long after that, split up. We blame you. Fans of George Orwell, dark synth pop and not pop, and the general working class would system the party the hell out of your inners.

Letter Kills

In a perfect world, Letter Kills would be mentioned in the same mall screamo breath sans mouthwash as The Used, Story of the Year, Finch, and Edna’s Goldfish. However, it is not a perfect world, just ask “The Bridge,” Letter Kill’s major label debut and only full-length studio album didn’t turn a bright color that they sell at pawn shops post-release. The twelve songs that compose this LP have zero filler and plenty of antioxidants. Guitar players who love MCR, AAR, NFG, and MTB should listen to track four, “Brand New Man,” right now, and marvel at and learn WITH it. Speaking of MCR and SOTY: Letter Kills was first of four on the 2004 Nintendo Fusion Tour with My Chemical Romance on second, the completely unproblematic Lostprophets as direct support, and Story of the Year in the headline slot. Times change but letter kills.

Primer 55

And now for something completely different: Nu metal. ARE YOU REEEEADY? Memphis, Tennessee’s Primer 55 name without question is and apparently comes from something unfinished with a drug trafficking road as a Mozart symphony. Both Walter “Limp Bizkit” White and Fred “I Am The One Who Knocks” Durst would agree that the number fifty-five rules, and the band with said numeral slaps! Primer 55 had solid record sales, but were far from gold, and not only stayed gold, ponyboy, but it was shelved. Sigh. Such a dark fate for a band that could still be rocking Ozzfest stages today if there were any… And said situation catalyzed the band’s first split in 2003. The band reformed four years later, and then split up for good (unless Coachella capitalizes on the nu metal nostalgia boom and drops cash in their lap) in 2015. On a sad note, rest in peace, J-Sin.

Rival Schools

First of all, how on brand is it for us here that Rival Schools are mentioned in this piece? Right in front of your eyes RS takes the remainder of the culturally and geopolitically significant Quicksand’s Island Records contract with extreme V-neck T-shirt assistance from every band that ever existed in every genre in every country and planet, Walter “Spell Check” Schreifels’ then-new Rival Schools put out an incredible Rydell High School debut known as “United by Fate” and split up for the first time just two years later. The band survived one more breakup after a semi-quick but not really reunion, and as of 2022, still exists today for humans of all shapes and sizes. Anyway, we’ve said it before and we’ll without hesitation ask it again, “What the hell is post-hardcore?” Seriously, what is it? We know, we know, everything has its point, and good things undercover on.

Young Love

Young love was such dumb love; we will never, ever recov-er together. If you were slightly ahead of the dance-rock curve via just another former “scene” frontman, then you were right on time for Young Love. The act’s illustrious by definition frontman Dan Kayes almost totally, epically and magnificently shifted musical focus post his one-word yet Twelve Step named band, and completely pulled a 180 in a solid way with the toe-tappin’ Young Love, that you never listened to, and that’s why they are on this list. Final thought/inquiry: Why shouldn’t we end this piece on a sad note? We have no reason either way: Young Love put out one EP and two LPs via Island Records and then, poof, peaced out, without reforming since. Ceci n’est pas recover. Give up, you’re too young to fight it. Just find a new way and close your eyes.

Krist Novoselic Still Thinks Kurt Cobain Went to Live on a Farm

Posted on by Sean Fallon

SEATTLE — Former Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic revealed that he still believes Kurt Cobain went to live on a farm, despite passing away in 1994, confirmed sources who didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.

“It was a shock when I first heard it,” said Novoselic at a recent meet-up of bass players at a repurposed dog park. “But then I heard all about the farm and the other musicians and actors and politicians who lived there, and I thought that was a lovely place for Kurt to live. He never really showed any interest in farming or getting close to nature but a change would do him good. At least he’s not doing what David Bowie and Prince are doing and going undercover with the FBI to fight the Yakuza because that sounds dangerous.”

Former bandmate and current Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl was behind the decision to not give Novoselic the bad news and 30 years later he has no regrets.

“After Kurt died it was hard,” said Grohl. “But we all knew Krist would take it particularly badly so we thought screw it, let’s spare him the pain and we told him Kurt had moved to a farm upstate with lots of other singers he could jam with like Janis Joplin, Freddie Mercury, and The Big Bopper. We didn’t think he’d go for it but it made him happy even when we said we weren’t allowed to visit the farm because it’s too far away. The problem was that the farm idea really took root with him and now anyone who dies seems to be going to that same farm. Unless he doesn’t like them of course like Kissinger. Yeah, Kissinger went straight to Hell.”

Child psychologists say that this kind of white lie is perfectly suitable and highly effective when breaking heartbreaking news to bass players.

“A child or even an intelligent animal will eventually see through this kind of ruse,” said Dr. Eleanor Sanders of the American Association for Bass Player Psychology. “However, a bassist can believe and maintain this kind of fantasy indefinitely. We told Peter Hook that Ian Curtis had retired to a desert island after winning the lottery, which he wholeheartedly believed no matter how many interviewers ask him about Curtis’ suicide. As far as he knows, they’re all just jealous spoilsports and he goes home to write another letter to Ian that won’t be answered because he’s too busy learning to surf or whatever fantastic story we feed him.”

At press time, Novoselic revealed that he also believed the conspiracy that Courtney Love was responsible for sending him to the farm.

Photo credit: Joe Mabel

Every The Kills Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Nigel Powers

DO! NOT! EVER! HAVE! SEX! WITH! YOUR! BANDMATES…EVER! This is a basic rule of thumb when it comes to any band formation, regardless of how hot your drummer, guitarist, or singer may even be (bassists need not apply). But what if you thought about giving into those temptations, and while being badass enough to resist, created an entire band around resisting that forbidden fruit? Enter The Kills. Formed in 2001 by singer Allison “VV” Mosshart (who also sang for the swell Florida punk band Discount) and guitarist Jaime “Hotel” Hince and based out of New York City, The Kills would become known for their sultry, spicy and seductive sound that tread between Indie Rock, Blues Rock and just the right amount of electronic beats and programming to appeal to that crowd.

While never chart toppers, The Kills nonetheless found success through licensing (musicians take note), with their songs being used in a variety of TV shows and movies (most notably cinematic masterpieces “Children of Men” and “Gossip Girl”), and it helps to have one of the best Rock’n’Roll singers of the New Millennium in Allison Mosshart and one of music’s most versatile and soulful guitarists in Jaime Hince, who’s playing is instantly recognizable with just one note (A TRUE MARK OF GREATNESS). And that’s saying nothing of the songs themselves, which range from sweet ballads, to flirtatious, fiery rock songs that are both equally captivating. But with all this raw emotion, we must consider reason, which leads us to rank every The Kills’ album from least to most satisfying.

6. Blood Pressures (2011)

Toning down the punk and garage rock influences of prior releases, instead focusing on the Blues-Rock and some Hip-Hop influences, there is a sameness to these songs that detracts from the record as a whole. But that’s ok, every band goes through something of a midlife crisis, and there are worse ways to deal with it than monotony, and you must learn to deal with monotony to grow as a person. But the good ones here are just as good as anything The Kills have ever released, so while it’s not reinventing the wheel, it’s still solid as a record.

Play It Again: “The Last Goodbye”
Skip It: “You Don’t Own the Road”

5. Ash and Ice (2016)

Released in the year of Trump, the fifth Kills album neither breaks new ground or regresses at all, and it’s not a bad record (just like all their other releases), bit it feels too typical for a band who has spent their career being anything but. However, considering the shocking changes that changed the world forever after the death of Harambe that fateful morning at the Cincinnati Zoo, maybe this wasn’t the record we wanted, but the record we needed to ground ourselves from the shitstorm that was about to hit the world of politics and decency, with its typical but safe sound.

Play It Again: “Doing it to Death” (a fine way to go if you ask us)
Skip It: “Days of Why and How”

4. Keep On Your Mean Side (2003)

The Kills pounced onto the music scene in 2003 with this record, and unlike many debut albums, this one sees the band kick things off with their sound fully formed, just like a beast with two backs. But there’s nothing to back down from here, and the record keeps its promise by bringing in straight shooting, bluesy indie rock straight from New York and England, with Jaime Hince bringing that distinctively British Guitar playing back to its American Roots in sort of a reverse British Invasion, while Alison Mosshart expands from her days with Discount to become an absolute force of nature vocalist. A must listen for anyone who is an indie rock lover, this was the album that started it all.

Play It Again: “Fried My Little Brains”
Skip It: “Hand”

Honorable Mention: Little Bastards (2020)

A collection of B-Sides and outtakes, this compilation is actually pretty awesome, with some more experimental tracks when compared to the official releases. Every genre from acoustic, electronic, and everything in between, this album was released during the pandemic, possibly out of generosity, which is itself a form of love. This compilation is a perfect starting point for anyone looking to get into The Kills whether it be for a one-time session of fun, or a dedicated, long-term commitment.

 

 

3. God Games (2023)

Released almost a decade after “Ash and Ice,” and oh boy was this worth the wait. Satisfies like a hookup after a painful dry spell, this album draws from every era of “The Kills” in terms of sound, mood and most importantly, sexiness. Strutting in and giving Derek Zoolander level performance on the catwalk, after a long hiatus, the Kills deliver a “Magnum” opus level performance, and a welcome return after those dry years, and this record is a perfect extension of sounds the band perfected upon their debut.

Play It Again: “103”
Skip It: Unskippable

2. Midnight Boom (2008)

This album is a journey through the gamut of human emotion, and by this point in their career, The Kills had perfected their sound and were performing like two lovers in lockstep. “URA Fever” starts hot and heavy, and the rest of the album keeps that smokey vibe perfect for “Getting Down,” and you just can’t help but boogie to the tunes. While it may be a bit slower than its predecessor, sometimes slower means it’s all the sweeter, and that you should take the time to enjoy it.

Play It Again: “Black Balloon” (just some journalistic bias here, there really are no skips, you can take our word for it)
Skip It: I Would Do Many Things For Love, But I wouldn’t do THAT

1. No Wow (2005)

Originally supposed to be recorded on a MOOG synthesizer which broke right before the recording sessions, Alison and Jaime were forced to rearrange the album as their typically blues-tinted indie rock style to compensate for their technical difficulties. Possibly the best electronic record never made, but for sure it’s one of the best records to come out of the Indie Rock scene of the 2000s, meaner, and tougher than many of the acts, while also just as capable of being vulnerable and sensitive, marking The Kills as not just capable musicians, but lovers as well, and if you dislike this album, we may have to get the guns out, I say again, get the guns out.

Play It Again: Oh Yeah! All of it! That’s the Good Stuff! (especially the first three tracks, “No Wow,” “Your Love is A Deserter,” and “Dead Road 7”)
Skip It: DON’T STOP! OH YES! MORE!

Trump Defense Attorney Grills Former National Enquirer Publisher on Whether or Not Elvis Was Spotted Alive Eating Moon Pies at Tennessee Gas Station

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Former President Trump’s Defense Attorney Emil Bove used his time cross-examining former National Enquirer Publisher David Pecker about whether or not Elvis was spotted alive in Tennessee in 2016, courtroom sources confirmed.

“I remember I was buying groceries and there was an old lady paying by check so it was taking forever. I saw the headline ‘The King Alive, Fatter Than Ever in Tennessee’ on the cover of National Enquirer and needed to know more,” said Emil Bove to reporters after the court adjourned in Trump’s hush money case. “Some of the reporting seemed pretty dubious. It focused a lot on how many moon pies the guy was eating, and talking about how he must be hiding a child bride. I asked Mr. Pecker if everything was triple-sourced and if he stood behind its journalistic integrity because I needed to know if it was actually Elvis. Not knowing the truth has been keeping me up at night.”

Pecker admitted he was surprised by the line of questioning he was subjected to.

“I was expecting a lot of questions about Stormy Daniels, but Mr. Bove spent three hours asking me about Lisa Marie Presley’s latest botched plastic surgery, if Bigfoot is an alien, and whether or not he can meet Bat Boy,” said Pecker. “I do know for a fact that Elvis is still alive, he’s on Ozempic and looks great for an 89-year-old. I actually had dinner with him last month at Charlie Sheen’s house. Lots of people were there, like Sinatra, and the half man, half alligator from the Florida swamps. We had a great time.”

Legal experts believe Bove is being very tactical in his defense of Trump.

“All you need is one member of the jury to side with the former president to get him acquitted. If Mr. Bove continues to confuse everyone with questions about space aliens voting for Bush, Elizabeth Taylor’s husbands, and whether or not OJ Simpson had a wild sexual encounter with ‘Price is Right’ girls they will forget what Trump is even on trial for,” said analyst Aurie Baling. “The only downside to this tactic is the fact that every time Mr. Bove mentions some sort of cryptid the former president chimes in saying something like ‘the Jersey Devil is a nasty woman, very rotund’ and the judge has to warn Mr. Trump to stay quiet.”

At press time, Bove announced he would be calling Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon to the stand next week.