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“I’m Intermittent Fasting” And 10 Other Lies to Tell Your Friends When You’re Too Hungover to Eat

You did it again. The allure of drinking until you blackout was just too tempting, so here you are on another Tuesday, waking up at 4 p.m. with a hangover so bad you think your skeleton might explode. Your friends want to grab a bite to eat, but you know if you touch anything that resembles food for the next hour you’re going to ralph and your so-called friends will stage another intervention. Here are 10 quick lies to keep in your pocket so they don’t suspect a thing.

“Oh, No Thank You––I Actually Ripped SO MUCH Ozempic on the Way here”

Trust us, your friends will be SUPER impressed that you had the funds to score some Ozempic. And if they aren’t, they’ll be so friggin’ jealous of your new “self-care” routine that it’ll send ‘em into a shame spiral for the ages. Yep! Dinner’s canceled––let’s all go home and drink some hot water.

“Yeah, I Think Those PBRs Gave Me Food Poisoning or Something.”

Ok, the “food poisoning” excuse can be a little flimsy, especially because your friends are acutely aware of the fact that you ate absolutely NOTHING last night and went straight for the brewskis. So that’s why we’re doubling down by blaming your food poisoning on the PBRs. And if anyone tells you that it’s impossible to get food poisoning from some beers you just say, “Hey Brian. I know for A FACT that you got food poisoning last week from that beer-battered cod at Long John Silvers. And why were you so quick to blame the fish? Maybe it was the beer batter! Are you anti-fish, Brian? Are you?” Look, Brian probably won’t be your friend anymore, but at least no one will wanna coerce you into eating.

“Andrew Huberman Says That Eating Isn’t Actually That Good for You”

Cut the crap. We know you’ve been bragging to your friends about all the “studies” you’ve been “reading.” And by “reading” we mean listening to podcasts from which you retain zero information. So while you’re at it, you might as well drop this little nugget from Dr. Huberman. It’ll either totally impress your friends or send your buddy Brian on a super boring tangent about zone two cardio. Either way, no one will even notice that you’ve slipped away to vomit into a Chipotle guac container.

“You Guys Need FOOD for SUSTENANCE? That’s So Soft”

Now, this is where you need to be ready to drop your manifesto about living in a post-food reality. While the rest of your friends chomp on so called “protein,” you need to be talking about how you’re subsisting off of vibes (*so much Pedialyte*) alone like the biohacking badass that you are. It doesn’t matter if your spiel doesn’t make any sense. What matters is that your friends don’t ever wanna eat food in front of you ever again.

“How DARE You Eat When *Insert Literally Any Global Crisis* Is Going On?”

Look, if the world’s going to shit, you might as well use it to your personal gain! Plus! This excuse will make you look like a really cool and awesome person (*totally and inherently self-righteous*). So yeah, when you drop this suck on your friends, you’ll either guilt them into chucking their açaí bowls in the trash or kill the vibe so hard that you’ll magically send everyone into a depression nap.

“I’m Not Hungry But Here! Let Me Buy You a Snack!”

If you don’t make it to the restaurant and need to tell your friend to pull over so that you can *discreetly* blow chunks in a gas station bathroom, this excuse is perfect. Everybody knows you gotta buy a snack to get access to the puke palace, so you might as well feed your hungry friend in the process! They can’t ask you questions about why you’re still rockin’ your piss-stained skinny jeans when they’re munchin’ on Corn Nuts! Oh! And you should buy them a Liquid Death cuz we just learned that those suckers are actually just sparkling water and not ballistic, gasoline-infused energy drinks.

“If I’m Eating, How Can I Tell You My Story About How I Bought a Sentient Being on Temu Last Week?”

Ok, so we’re not super sure if this one will work. But hey, we’d LOVE to see you try it out. Just tell your friends that you were trying to buy a pair of knockoff AirPods on Temu, and next thing you know a fucking alien chrysalis pops up on your doorstep and guess what? It hatches immediately and now you’re responsible for a random-ass alien named “Maurice.” And, apparently you can’t send Maurice back. That’s not a Temu rule, but it IS a Maurice Rule.

“I Just Haven’t Been Eating Since ‘Cowboy Carter’ Dropped”

WHO’S GONNA GO AGAINST BEYONCE? WHO? I mean, probably your stupid friend Brian.

“According to Gwyneth Paltrow, I’ve Already Eaten Enough Food This Year”

So we’re not sure if our gal Gwyneth actually said this, but the subtext is that you are now the kind of person who eats a single almond for dessert and buys stuff from a skincare brand that rhymes with poop. And yeah. None of your friends gonna want to dine with you ever again.

“I’m Saving My Appetite for a Big, Fat, Healthy Salad Later”

Your friends might’ve dragged you to a godforsaken Sweetgreen, but that doesn’t matter because you’re about to tell your friends about a salad so big and so healthy, it’s gonna have both macro AND micro greens. And NO DRESSING because that’s how healthy THIS fucker’s gonna be. And yeah, it’s gonna be like 90 percent Kale and Swiss chard. So much chard. By the time you’re done explaining this salad to your friends, it’s gonna make their miso glazed salmon look like beer-battered Long John Silvers cod. So take that, BRIAN.