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Neoliberal Couple Feels BLM Sign Really Ties 11 Bedroom, 6 Bath House Together

SALEM, Mass. — Mallory and Piotr Rhodes proudly declared that the small, unassuming Black Lives Matter sign outside their sprawling 11-bedroom, 6-bath mansion is the final touch to reflect their politics and show a welcoming haven for those similarly minded, multiple neighbors who publicly share the exact feelings confirmed.

“We were just so inspired by the movement, you know? We wanted to be part of the change and show the world we are committed to progressive values,” Mrs. Rhodes explained while clutching a $299 bag of fair-trade coffee. “And we adore the diversity here. Like I’m part Italian on my grandfather’s side and I found out a lot of the neighbors have similar mixed-race backgrounds. Like the Klein’s across the street, one of them has a grandfather from Spain. Then there’s another family? I think they’re Chinese? I don’t know, we’ve waved hello to them. We love them. Whatever they’re doing. It’s great.

Chloe St. Onge, the realtor who introduced the happy couple to the location, raved about the many features of the sprawling property.

“There’s so much to LOVE in this progressive oasis” gushed St. Onge. “The open kitchen and sizable dining room for entertaining where Mallory has her book club meetings. There’s a recording studio Piotr has been using to record an Afro-rock album that sounds like Vampire Weekend, but with an edge. The ‘girl boss’ office space where Mallory’s portraits of Frida Kahlo, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and Elizabeth Warren are displayed. Even the media center features a state-of-the-art system where guests can enjoy movies like ‘Crash’ and ‘Green Book.’”

However, not everyone in the neighborhood is impressed. Guillermo Sanchez, a third generation resident of The Point seemed skeptical of the intentions of the Rhodes.

“It’s a shame what they’ve done to this place,” Mr. Sanchez lamented, looking through the high iron bars surrounding the property. “Like up the street at our community church. We had book drives. Dances. It was the heartbeat of the neighborhood to help the kids, and people who were having a hard time. But since these people moved in they call the cops to file a noise complaint about us every time we have an event. We usually wrap up by 7 p.m. but that’s still too late for them apparently.”

As of press time, the couple has briefly taken down the sign but promises to have it back up as soon as Mr. Rhodes’ father is done with his Senate reelection race.