There is something that’s been bothering me for nearly 20 years now, and I’m sure a few of you may have had sleepless nights over it too: that offensively tone-deaf “punk” compilation commercial. You know which one I’m talking about. It was already bad enough that the tracklist was laughable, but to see two punks betray the genre and shill this tripe to us was even more insulting.
But that’s when I discovered the horrible truth. They weren’t punks at all but paid actors!
You’re probably thinking surely no one would sink that low, but the unfortunate truth is that the evil masterminds behind this joke of a mix CD went out and hired two people to pretend to be gutter punks. For money, no less! Had they been real punks, they would’ve beat the shit out of the director on principle for including the Greg Kihn Band.
Go back and watch it, and you’ll see how they were lying to us in plain sight. Pay attention to how clean everything looks, from their skin to their shoes to whatever living room they’re allegedly supposed to be squatting in. Like, not even a single cigarette or empty whiskey bottle in sight? Red flag!
I don’t know what kind of psyop the suits at Westwood Promotions (a CIA front if there ever was one) was running, but paying these stooges to tell us Top 40 new wave and punk were synonymous is downright vile. I even have my doubts about their hair being real.
And to think I was starting to second guess my devotion to the scene! For half a second there I thought I’d missed some memo about Huey Lewis’ “I Want a New Drug” being punk, even ironically. I bet these two boneheads have never in their lives taken unmarked pills from a random guy at a basement show.
I’ve spent years trying to track these imposters, but have come up with nothing. I tried calling the 800 number and it just took me to a psychic hotline. I even went out to Westwood’s headquarters in Colorado Springs and it was just an empty strip mall! These maniacs could still be out there.
It goes without saying that if you encounter them, under no circumstances let them bum a smoke, hook them up with your dealer, or take any of their music recommendations. These posers deserve no quarter.