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So You Created Your First Viral Video, Here’s All You Need To Know about Recycling the Same Premise Hundreds of Times and Never Growing as a Person

Congratulations. You finally went viral! That cell phone video of you slipping in a puddle of Alfredo sauce at the grocery store took off so fast— as if the lightning forcefully escaped that bottle of Prego that once held it captive before it shot into the stratosphere and took you along with it. You’re about to play with the big boys now that your video hit three million views in a week.

But with great viral fame comes great viral responsibility… to never grow as a person as you continue to find new ways to get the attention that you never knew you so desperately craved before that fateful trip down aisle eight.

You’ve got a long road ahead of you, but it doesn’t have to be a difficult one. By simply peeling back the scales of your lizard brain, you too can lean into the premise that spawned your success by happenstance and make it your entire identity.

No pen. No paper. No character development is required.

Just keep slipping on that sauce and yell out the catchphrase that happened entirely by accident on the first video (“OH! It’s slippy!”) until they find you on the floor of your unfurnished apartment, half decomposed next to your ring light and green screen setup three years from now when your channel gets demonetized and you lose your paid partnership with that shaving company or whatever. But by then you’ll have met Jake Paul that one time and almost say hi to him, and that’s pretty sick.

As you get a little more experimental when your viewership eventually plateaus, just carry out the same premise, but make it a little more edgy. Go to the store naked. Buy one of those lapel microphones and take your bit on the road. Make strangers uncomfortable and ask them hard questions. And then do the sauce thing hoping somebody recognizes you when the police come because according to most common decency laws, you’re just harassing people who are trying to walk to work for internet clout. Come on, now. This is your calling!

This is why you were put here on this Earth.

You should thank your lucky stars that your digital footprint will eventually prevent you from getting a steady job because being the Slippy Sauce man is the essence of your being, for at least another couple of weeks.