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Animal Rights Win: Injured Jockeys Will Be Shot At This Year’s Kentucky Derby

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Officials at Churchill Downs announced that, for the first time ever, jockeys participating in this year’s Kentucky Derby will be shot on the track if they are injured during the race, bloodthirsty horse racing enthusiasts confirmed.

“When it comes to racehorses, I’m the balance between life and death. The killer of worlds. I’ve replaced the black hooded robe and scythe for candy-colored polos, khaki cargo shorts, a handgun, and large white shoes that prevent my abbreviated disk from flaring up,” said David Hunts, resident horse executioner of the Kentucky Derby. “Over the decades I’ve grown so used to shooting 3-year-old horses that the idea of shooting five-foot tall, hundred-pound jockeys in their twenties seemed out of this world. I think the people in the stands are really going to love it. I’ve already had to shoot a few jockeys during some practice rounds and those guys pretty much explode when shot.”

As far as how the jockeys feel, they’re vehemently against the decision when it comes to their possible murder on the track.

“We fear for our lives now, honestly,” stated a jockey who requested to remain anonymous for a wide range of reasons. “I hid a fancy Derby hat and cocktail dress in my locker if I was feeling bloated or having gas the day of the race. Since horses can be put down over colic, I’m frantically checking my anus in a mirror to make sure it’s not shifting. If I’m still feeling unsure, I’ll throw on that big ass hat and dress to hopefully disappear into the sea of wealthy twenty-somethings drinking Mint Juelps in the stands”.

The sports betting world has been rattled in regard to the new likelihood of race outcomes.

“This ‘shooting of jockeys’ rule adds a whole new dynamic to our already questionable and complicated world of sports betting” noted legendary bookie Nancy “Whistles” Fazzoli. “I’ve seen decades of controversy, horses failing drug tests, mysterious murders, and horses stripped of wins, so making the jockeys fair game not only makes me feel better because the horses used to be always at fault, but now we can easily make the jockeys a chess piece in our corruption.”

At press time, the positive reaction to jockeys being killed has led to Churchill Downs to enact a new “Executioner for a day” program for teenagers looking to break into the field.