MONTAGUE, Mass. — Local man Jack Callahan is reportedly on day two of trying to type his overly complicated Disney+ password using the remote for his parents’ Smart TV, bored sources reported.
“I don’t know why I did this to myself. I remember generating this 24-digit string full of random letters and symbols and thinking, ‘No one will ever crack this.’ I guess that includes myself,” said Callahan as a toddler continued to scream in the background. “Don’t all modern apps let you scan a QR code or something? How was I supposed to know they still make T9 keyboards? I think I had to push the same button seven times just to find an ‘@’ symbol. If I can’t get ‘Cars 3’ playing in the next hour, I think my wife is going to drive home without me.”
Aidan Callahan, Jack’s father, doesn’t understand why his son bothers with all this security nonsense.
“I already have the perfect system. You see here? I printed out a spreadsheet and taped it above my desk in the rumpus room, it’s got every password to every service I’ve ever used. And some that your mother signed up for that I can’t figure out how to cancel,” said the senior Callahan. “It’s flawless, really. When I sign up for a new service, I just add a row to the bottom. And when I want to ‘generate’ a password, as my son says, I just look around the room for a photo of something familiar, like a dead pet, and then add an exclamation mark. The exclamation mark ensures it’s secure.”
Boden Nelson is a security consultant for several top-secret institutions and is feeling a little jaded these days.
“I call it ‘security theater.’ You feel secure with your long, random password, but let’s be honest, this whole cat-and-mouse game is a sham. Anyone who wants to hack you can and will. If they haven’t yet, you’re just not important enough,” said Nelson. “And that’s just human hackers. We’re seconds away from AI taking over everything we know and love. And I promise your one-factor auth string of symbols can’t beat Skynet. So, maybe just go with ‘password123’ for your stupid streaming account. No one cares about your profile; your credit card is already on the dark web.”
At press time, Jack Callahan was seen acting out “Finding Nemo” to his son as an “incorrect password” modal flickered behind him.
Fun? Yes. Corny? At times. Self-aware? Yep, yep, yep. Limp Bizkit’s fifth studio LP “Gold Cobra” was their first full-length effort in eight years. First off, Limp Bizkit has never ever sucked; they were a product of their time, a weird time. Also, the OG “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all” debut LP lineup was back in full force at five for five via “Gold Cobra,” and fans old and new school rejoiced, as the loss of Wes Borland showcased that the band had huge shoes to fill and that they could actualize filling ‘em. If you still lambast Limp Bizkit just for the idea of doing such, get a life, Captain Loser/Douchebag, try harder, and kill the hater in you. In badass form, this album’s follow-up is a GREAT improvement.
Limp Bizkit’s fourth studio album may have been doomed from its start due to principal member guitarist Wes Borland leaving the band, but it is better than you remember, and “Eat You Alive” remains a top ten LB single. Once Borland left, Limp Bizkit had a publicly unsuccessful search for a replacement, but Mike Smith of Snot took the position, albeit for a short time. The growing pains show up on this LP on the mic, underneath the gun, and the band’s momentum was down another day, that’s for sure! Also, whatever your thoughts on their The Who cover of “Behind Blue Eyes” is, and we assume it is not very positive in the slightest, it was a cocky and badass move to utilize a rapper’s singing vocals with LB’s spin on the classic rock megahit.
Limp Bizkit released their first album in just over ten years with their sixth effort “Still Sucks,” and not only is the record their most succinct at twelve tracks that last just over thirty-two minutes but, it is the first mentioned here that is a consistent listen front to back, AND it doesn’t suck. In a super cool flex, critics from inferior publications ate this one up, and the album was critically acclaimed and, “Dad Vibes,” the album’s first single, got verbal accolades as well. If this record was the subsequent full-length album after “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water,” and both of its follow-ups were EPs instead of LPs, their studio album catalog would be nearly flawless.
“Significant Other” showcased to the world with literal data that the band was one of the biggest acts in the world, and climbed to number one on the Billboard 200, yes, NUMBER %^&*ing ONE. It’s hard for a band to have one single do well in the mainstream, let alone four, but most albums don’t contain “Nookie,” our highlight track “Re-Arranged,” “N 2 Gether Now,” and “Break Stuff.” Many wrote off the band as a novelty act for the hit Debbie Gibson cover song from its debut predecessor “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all,” but those who did were proven that they didn’t deserve anyone’s trust; a lesson learned. Since Fred Durst raps, this album looked like a typical hip-hop record with features from Jonathan Davis of Korn, Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots, Aaron Lewis of Staind, and Method Man of Salt-N-Pepa.
This album, “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all,” may have one of the worst album titles of all time, but it is SO much more than “Faith,” AND “Faith” rules too! From “Intro” directly into our highlight track “Pollution,” Limp Bizkit introduced themselves to the world with a “don’t mess with us or we will cut you” brutal attitude laden with impassioned screams, razor sharp rhymes, insane/underrated musicianship from a rhythm section (Sam Rivers and John Otto) and turntablist (DJ Lethal), and an ambitious rock guitarist. ’90s demigod Ross Robinson produced this LP to perfection, and angry white kids with backwards hats, baggy jeans, and Cheetos stained teeth/garments all over America, and eventually the globe, ate it in droves. The record came out at the perfect time, as bands in this world were about to become the trendsetters, and LB rode the wave to a sustainable career.
Third time’s a charm? “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water,” Limp Bizkit’s third full-length studio LP, may have one of the best album titles of all time, and yes, we know about Hoobastank’s self-titled effort. Also, like its predecessor “Significant Water,” the starfish and meat H2O appeared at number one on the Billboard 100, had four very successful singles, and one that was just successful without the word “very” before it. Fun fact: Track two, “Hot Dog,” uses the F-word forty-seven times, which is even more than that time your dad was was walking around the house barefoot and stubbed his toe on one of the kitchen table legs and his toenail fell off. Anyway, it’ll be ok if you revisit this album right now in an air raid or urban assault vehicle; we just want you to live it up your way whilst you getcha groove on.
Oh yeah, “Die Hard” is a great left-of-center Christmas movie… like 10 years ago! At this point, even your Mom recognizes “Die Hard” to be an offbeat Christmas movie, and while championing it as such is still obnoxious, it’s sadly become too pedestrian to take the place of an entire personal ethos. Nowadays you gotta try a little harder than that to try too hard.
Sure it’s got a couple of doofuses being hit in the balls with paint cans and such, and as a person with no discernible personality or interests that’s the height of comedy to you! Unfortunately “Home Alone” is just too close to an actual recognized Christmas movie for you to sell loving it as an interesting quirk. You could maybe get away with claiming “Home Alone 3” is your favorite but that may require some actual nuance and thought on your part, and boy are you tired.
Good news! They don’t really make a ton of rom-coms anymore, so liking them makes you a real, legitimate, honest to god type of person! You have a TASTE! We’re pretty sure Christmas was in this one somewhere, don’t most of these have a Christmas scene?
Have you already made liking Harry Potter your entire personality? No need to switch gears for the Holidays! Remember, every one of these movies features a Christmas scene, so you’re in the clear! Sure, J.K. Rowling has made a hard turn to the dark side in recent years, but nothing embodies the holiday season more than overlooking the deep-seated flaws of the people you grew up with!
Another Christmas-laden rom-com, but tread carefully with this one. It is after all, a movie about someone who assumes the identity of someone else, and you are, after all, an NPC trying to pass yourself off as someone with cultivated tastes. It might tip your hand!
Do you remember AOL? And is asking that the closest thing to an ice breaker you can muster when meeting other people your own age? Then you’ve got a new favorite Christmas movie!
Are you the sort of person who, when asked what they like to do, blurts out “Go to the gym,” and then kind of trails off or tries to change the subject? Good news! Rocky 4’s final fight in Russia takes place on Christmas day! You might have been too distracted by Rocky ending communism to notice, but yup, it’s for sure Christmas! Now, when asked to describe yourself, you can say TWO things!
Oh hell yeah. Deep down you may know you’re a dullard and a coward, but when you pick “Eyes Wide Shut” as your favorite Christmas movie, you say to the world “I am an interesting and smart sex person.” Whoever you’re talking to may have some follow-up questions about someone named Stanely Kubrick, just say he’s a genius.
Are you wearing a Batman logo shirt right now because you honest to god can’t think of what else to do? Well, good news! “Batman Returns” while not technically a Christmas movie, is loaded with Christmas settings and imagery, which makes watching it in December technically interesting!
Another “too close to an actual Christmas movie” not quite a Christmas movie, but claiming it as your favorite will definitely remind people to think the word “Ugh” every time they see you. It is a singular movie for sure. No film before or since “Love Actually” has managed to be so problematic while somehow being so boring. Any other movie with this much fat shaming, stalking, and lack of agency in its female characters should at least make you angry enough to stay awake the whole time.
The problem with being a broody and melodramatic person is that people assume you’re complex when often you’re just sort of tired a lot. For most of those people, there are Tim Burton movies. But growing up, were you less the “safety pins all over my clothes” type and more the “reading Jane Eyre in public” type? Then it’s time to ditch “The Nightmare Before Christmas” for “Little Women” this holiday season. The 2019 one is objectively better, but you could also be way into the 1994 one to make people you possess something called “nostalgia.”
The Christmas scene in this one encapsulates the sense of loneliness and isolation many people can feel around the holidays, so you’ll get some major deepness points. Just don’t let anyone know you think Tom Hanks is the hero of the movie.
It’s not really a Christmas movie, but come on, all the elements are there. Snow, Reindeer, magic… It’s sort of like how you have all the elements of a person. A pulse, bank cards, a coffee mug with something funny written on it…
An irreverent, offbeat Christmas movie with an important message: The highs and lows of our lives are determined by the childish whims of the elite rich.
It’s a cut above all of the other Christmas-set rom-com movies because it stars Ryan Reynolds, the patron saint of people pretending to be interesting.
