NEW YORK — Local entertainment ticketing conglomerate Ticketmaster was inexplicably able to charge a $7.99 service fee for each MTA rider who saw Green Day perform a secret set on a New York City subway platform, outraged sources confirmed.
“I was just trying to go home from work when all a sudden I swiped my metro card and was charged like five times the normal amount. I now understand why some people jump over the turnstile. It’s clearly to avoid Ticketmaster fees,” said Manhattan resident Jules Pennington. “Not to mention there was a $2.99 rat and large insect handling fee as well as a $1.99 fee for something called ‘just in case Jimmy Fallon shows up for some reason too.’ Can’t anyone just casually see a legendary band perform on New York City public transportation on a Tuesday to garner social media attention anymore? I guess not. Times have really changed.”
Ticketmaster executive Rory Glenn defended their decision to charge for the secret show.
“I don’t see what the big deal is. All we did was rig the Metropolitan Transportation Authority system to pay us a small handful of fees whenever a world-renowned band plays on one of their platforms,” said Glenn before cackling for several uninterrupted minutes. “It could be worse, we could also charge extra fees whenever those buskers play at any subway station across the tri-state area. We wouldn’t want to come across as greedy or anything though. Regardless, it’s like that saying we always refer to in corporate meetings: If a band plays in the woods and no one is around to charge service fees, did they really play? The answer is clearly no. This has been our mission statement since the beginning.”
Experts were quick to note Ticketmaster’s power over the music industry.
“It doesn’t matter where a band is playing or in what context, this company is going to charge you unnecessary fees,” said music historian Gabriel Huntington. “It’s just like whenever you’re watching a live performance of a band on YouTube or late night show. Ticketmaster will somehow add additional service fees to your internet or cable bill as a result of your viewing. In fact, 75% of inflation is due to Ticketmaster adding extra fees to everyday items. They somehow connect them to music. No one knows how they do that, but those that can do something about it don’t seem to care. We are all screwed.”
At press time, Ticketmaster also charged extra fees on all coffee orders at a local cafe where members of Green Day were spotted after the subway platform gig, despite the band not even performing.