APPLETON, Wisc. — Hot Topic co-workers, Brandy Graff and Dilan Hoffstedter, were “hella stoked” to welcome healthy twin boys conjoined by a single dreadlock, into their life, hospital representatives reported.
“Watching my sons Phreak and Bizkit come into this world was like the nacho effect–ya know, where you grab one chip but then another is attached by melted cheese, except in this case it was two babies attached by a dreadlock,” Graff explained. “Being a new mom really changes you. Holding them for the first time made me think, ‘Ya know what, maybe I won’t let these bodies hit the floor.’ Maybe they’ll be guitarists like Munky and Head, or maybe they’ll just smash their faces against trash cans like Clown and, um, the other clown. Either way, we couldn’t be prouder!”
Neonatal surgeon and die-hard nu-metal fan, Dr. Humboldt “Nuggz” Penwick, weighed the pros and cons of separation.
“From a medical standpoint, it would be the easiest separation of conjoined twins ever, any classroom scissors will do. But that would risk ruining their unique creative bond,” said Humboldt. “When one of them thinks of a dope riff or sick breakdown, the other will instantly know it. We haven’t seen this level of hard rock rapport since the Cavalera brothers,” said Dr. Penwick. “As long as they keep a steady diet of Slim Jims and Code Red the dread will grow with them. They’ll obviously have to start off playing small gigs, but by the time the dread is 25 feet long they’ll be ready to completely destroy the main stage at Knotfest.”
Hoffstedter, however, wasted no time abandoning the twins forever without saying goodbye.
“I want my sons to thrive, and we all know a two-parent household is no place for nu-metal greatness,” he said while taking a hit of his flavored vape before getting in his 2002 Buick. “These kids are gonna have a hard life, but the best musicians all do. Their condition will bring them much fame on the internet, and while I want only the best for them, it’s probably better for all of us if I hit the road and literally go buy cigarettes.”
At press time, Graff is currently dating all of Mudvayne, while Hoffsteder was last seen tricking a Spencer’s Gifts cashier into paying for his Panda Express orange chicken.