NEW YORK — Darren Gunderly, longtime guitarist for local doom metal band Lizard Fire, is blissfully unaware of the fact that the new guy at rehearsal he is showing the band’s songs to is actually his replacement, sources report.
“When we talked about the idea of getting a third guitar player, I was immediately super stoked about it even though it makes zero sense,” Gunderly explained as he put all of his gear into a box to be taken away. “Apparently, not only is this guy super talented and can catch on fast, the other guys say his gear is way better than mine, and is taking my old spot in the jam space. When I showed him ‘Bongbone Wasteland,’ our stoner anthem, he had it down on the first try! I can’t wait to see where Lizard Fire goes next, or where I’ll be setting up in the rehearsal space.”
Current Lizard Fire rhythm guitarist Shane Algieri says he doesn’t have the heart to tell Gunderly he’s been axed.
“It is really, really sad to see Darren just going along teaching the new guy everything he knows while totally unaware he’s toast. We thought he might get the hint when we asked him to stand out in the hallway during practice, but he just thought it was a unique way to focus on his playing,” Algeri explained. “But, on the other hand, I don’t have the patience nor the time to teach any newbies, so to hell with him. Besides, he would always be so sober compared to the rest of us on stage. It made us look bad. So good riddance!”
Music historian Robert Lucas says musicians working themselves out of a job is as common as you would expect.
“Many famous musicians have fallen victim to this very situation, even going back as far as the late 19th and early 20th centuries,” Lucas explained. “World renown folk singer Joe Hill probably had it the worst out of all of them, as his songs encouraging labor reform and Union activity worked him out of life itself. Little did he know that his songs would lead him to the firing squad. Sort of makes the P.M.R.C. look pretty tame in comparison.”
At press time, a confused Gunderly was heard asking his bandmates how changing the locks on their rehearsal space was supposed to improve the direction of the band.
Photo by Ian Charbeneau