LANCASTER, Pa. — Jack White, formerly of the White Stripes, was spotted outside of the Shady Maple Smorgasbord receiving treatment by EMTs after suffering second-degree burns caused by the glow of the buffet heat lamps, concerned sources confirmed.
“Being around fiery red heat bulbs I knew I was going to need the strongest sunblock, stronger than the stuff Marlon Brando lathers his face with in the remake of The Island of Doctor Moreau. But then I saw the line thin out at the carving station and instinctively ran in and grabbed a plate, it’s the country’s largest buffet, when you get a window for prime rib you plug in,” White laughed. “These are just battle wounds I cooled off at the sundae bar!”
Several staff members reveled in hosting a famous musician but seemed slightly confused by his enthusiasm.
“I was so stoked to talk to him about the Detroit scene when he was coming up but he just kept thanking me and asking how we do it. I don’t even cook anything,” Troy Grisette the establishment’s dishwasher elaborated. “I came in after a cig break to see if he would advise me on my pedal board layout, and at this point the burns on his face were oozing. I think the EMTs dunked him in a barrel of aloe. I know he must have been in excruciating pain but he was still beaming with excitement, and also holding up boxes of takeout food, shouting about how nobody ever gets to take food home from here. He kept referring to the experience as a ‘net positive,’ it was real fucking weird.”
Dr. Amy Lawrence, a dermatologist who specifically treats musicians expanded upon the incident.
“Most musicians don’t see much sunlight due to their lifestyle so they must be careful. Jack especially, because he has the skin tone of a bowl of milk mixed with hospital linens, said Dr. Lawrence. “I recommend sunblock for bright lamps, any situation around reflective surfaces, IMAX theaters, display screens on the Apple Watch, pretty much just always. Drink water, lotion up, and apply it so thick that bugs get stuck inside the excess goo when you walk around! I told Bob Dylan the consequences of a bad skin routine and now he looks like a California raisin come to life.”
After the interview, White heeded his doctor’s orders and went to the pharmacy to pick up prescription strength sunblock, aloe, and various moisturizers. Unfortunately, he was then very badly burned by the humming fluorescent lights of CVS.