Press "Enter" to skip to content

How to Work Out Using Just The Crushing Weight of Your Own Existence

Want to squeeze in a workout, but not really in the mood to go to the gym?

This helpful guide will provide you with an easy workout you can do right now, in your home, with the heaviest thing you have available — the crushing weight of your own existence. No equipment necessary!

Start by Standing up and Reaching Both Arms Above Your Head

Reach, reach, reach and try to grab ahold of the nagging thought that your one wild and precious life on this Earth is being spent on the Sisyphean task of working 40 hours a week selling things to other humans just to make enough money to buy the things that other humans are working 40 hours a week to sell.

Lower Your Arms as You Begin to Drop Down Into a Squat

Think about the coffee you had this morning. Consider the person who made it for you, the person who delivered the beans, the person who grew those beans, and their lives. They are toiling away simply to provide you with a little treat and you have the nerve to complain about Netflix raising their rates? But if you hadn’t bought the treat, how would they survive? The cycle is endless, like a hamster perpetually spinning in its wheel.

Keep Squatting Down, Down, and Stretch Forward Into a Plank Position

Hold your arms steady and try to keep yourself up while you remember that beyond your monotonous day job, you’ve been making art for years and sharing it online in an attempt to connect — but it’s falling into a massive ocean of human content that will never be acknowledged as society’s attention span continues to wither and die.

You Know What, Just Go Ahead and Lower Your Body Until You’re Face Down on the Floor

What’s the point in doing anything, really, when this physical body will inevitably cease to exist at some unpredictable point in the future? Close your eyes and remember that you’re a tiny speck on a giant rock, hurtling through space at thousands of miles an hour, infinitely moving from dawn to dusk as the universe glides toward entropy.

And that’s it! You’ve done it. Now hop up and try to go about your day normally. Do another workout tomorrow when your AirPods die the second you sit down on the bus, leaving you alone with your thoughts.