NEW YORK — Former Pitchfork Editor Adam Rhodes admitted he was struggling in his new role reviewing cigars after his previous employer merged with GQ Magazine, confirmed sources currently bragging about partying with Jacob Elordi.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to still be employed but cigars aren’t my area of expertise. If GQ wants an extensive write-up on boygenius I could do that for days, in fact, I keep pitching them on a piece called ‘The Wonderful Mind of Phoebe Bridgers’ and they said if I bring it up again they are going to beat the shit out of me,” said Rhodes. “On my first day, they made me try five different cigars and I threw up for an hour. I’m used to smoking clove cigarettes and doing some light cocaine on weekends, but this is completely foreign to me. Not to mention I hacked off a piece of my fingertip with the stupid cigar cutter and passed out when I saw the blood. Now everyone in the office is calling me the ‘Patron Faint of Cigars.'”
Longtime GQ Editor Kevin DeLaste says many Pitchfork writers have had trouble adjusting to their new roles.
“Adam’s first piece for us was about the best ties for men for 2024 and he used the word ‘angular’ 175 times. And that seems to be the case with most of the staff we brought over from Pitchfork, we had one of them write up a piece on the Tesla Cybertruck and within two sentences it turned into an article about how Frank Ocean’s ‘Blonde’ was ahead of its time,” said Delaste. “We also had to institute a new policy where if you listen to Neutral Milk Hotel you have to do it wearing headphones and you are not allowed to sing along. It was a huge distraction to our team working on a feature about the gadgets Chris Hemsworth can’t live without.”
Online publishing industry insiders say you can expect a lot more of this as major brands continue to struggle in today’s market.
“Social media platforms have basically destroyed online media. Pitchfork is just one of many brands you will see go under within the next few years. Don’t be surprised when you see Wired being merged with Vogue to create one of the most confusing workplaces ever created,” said media analyst Donna Lando. “Brands owned by media giants cannot be saved at this point, but you can support independent publishers very easily by sharing their stories, reading the articles, or even subscribing to their Patreon.”
At press time, multiple former Pitchfork employees were forced to meet with HR to explain all the favorable coverage they gave to Kanye West over the years.