Guide: How to Trick Your Boyfriend Into Thinking He’s Letting You Win

Posted on by Ben Doyle

Ever wanted to annihilate your boyfriend in video games without annihilating his fragile male ego? Well with these six simple tips, you’ll be racking up the wins in no time.

6. Say, “Tee-hee, what just happened?” every time you perform a flawless Hyakuretsukyaku 

After finishing your boyfriend off with a perfectly timed Lightning Kick, the blow can be softened by giggling, brushing your hair back, and acting like you haven’t memorized the inputs for every single signature attack in Street Fighter. If your boyfriend insists that you must’ve accidentally done Chun-Li’s “leg thing” and pats you on the head, then you’re on the right track. 

5. Insist on using the “good” Joy Con

Your boyfriend may think that one of your Joy Cons is “acting weird” has “worse bluetooth.” This is not true, but he will happily blame his devastating string of losses on the Joy Con instead of his shattered masculinity. If your boyfriend is one of those people who thinks that Gamecube controllers possess some sort of magical competitive powers, even better.

4. Be patient, and let him condescendingly explain to you how you beat him twenty-three times in a row

After any particularly brutal loss, your boyfriend will be desperate to break down what happened. Do not roll your eyes when he says “RNG” — instead, try asking him what “RNG” means. He will get this wrong, but just nod and smile. Then touch him on the arm and say “wow, you know so much about this game.” 

3. Pretend you don’t know what video games are

At a certain point, your boyfriend will start to get suspicious that you actually know how to play video games — this can be quickly put to rest by asking him what those flashing lights on the television are. 

2. Ask him how his arms got all big and veiny like that

This has nothing to do with tricking him, but it should at least distract him from the acute pain of finishing 4th in Mario Kart. You may also want to comment on how heavy his Pro Controller looks, or how muscular his fingers must be after pressing all those buttons. 

1. Let him win exactly one round and then immediately break up with him

It was time, anyway.

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Cyberpunk 2077 Still Won’t Let Fans Customize How Many Hours Their Devs Work a Week

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WARSAW — Fans of CD Projekt Red’s upcoming Cyberpunk 2077 are upset at the level of character customization, citing that they are still not able to choose how many hours of work Cyberpunk developers work a week.

“I guess you can say we grossly misunderstood what people wanted out of customization. We thought fans would want to pick and choose the color of each individual pubic hair on their character with an RGB slider. Kind of the opposite of the ‘make devs work fewer hours’ thing apparently everybody’s into,” said Cyberpunk 2077 director Adam Badowski. “But don’t worry. If Cyberpunk 2077 ever comes out, we’ll get our devs working around the clock to rush out a DLC that gets fans the level of customization they deserve.”

Despite the outcry from fans, news of the complaints have not yet reached Cyberpunk 2077 developers.

“Hey I’m sorry, but I really don’t have time for an interview right now,” said one developer when asked to comment. “I just have a ton of work and we really need to get this game done before the launch date in April. Wait, what did you just say? It’s NOVEMBER?!”

As a compromise, CD Projekt Red announced that they would be adding a new slider to the game allowing players to choose what symptoms of depression the overworked developers experience.

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We Fact-Checked the Lyrics To “Bawitdaba” and, as Expected, It All Checks Out

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Misinformation is running rampant in our streets and in our newsfeeds! We are being manipulated and outside influence is taking hold of our personal decisions like what to buy and even who to vote for. Even works of art like classic songs can have misleading messages. These timeless works of aural expression can build good faith with us through their enchanting melody and maybe even a sick-ass fuckin’ gibberish rap intro, only to take advantage of that good faith when our guards and mullets are down.

Fortunately, we know that our favorite song, Kid Rock’s trailer park party anthem “Bawitdaba,” would never betray us like that. But, just to be safe, we fact-checked it anyway and we’re pleased to report it’s all 150% true.

Lyric: “My name is Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid…Kid Rock!”

Fact check: Accurate as FUCK and we are so pumped up right now.

Lyric: “Bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy.”

Fact check: Fact. These are the most closely studied and fervently debated of all the “Bawitdaba” lyrics. We interviewed dozens of linguists, mathematicians, and scientists to evaluate their veracity, including the world’s leading authority on Kid Rock lyrics.

“It’s unquestionably true!” Dr. Ben Royce explained to us while scrawling complicated formulas on a chalkboard. “We know for a fact that ‘bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy’ because ‘the boogy’ said it! The boogy said, ‘up jump the boogy!’ It’s science and it simply can’t be denied. Hey, did I tell you guys I have a real-life stethoscope? Come on, let’s go up to my room and check it out!”

Lyric: “And this is for the questions that don’t have any answers/The midnight glancers and the topless dancers/The candid freaks, cars packed with speakers/The Gs with the 40s and the chicks with beepers.”

Fact check: True. Painstaking research by our staff confirms that Kid Rock’s music is intended for midnight glancers, topless dancers, candid freaks, Gs with 40s, and chicks with beepers. In fact, we have an Aunt Krystal who loves Kid Rock too and she is all of those things.

Lyric: “All you bastards at the IRS/For the crooked cops and the cluttered desks.”

Fact check: Confirmed. The IRS are bastards, cops are crooked, and desks are cluttered. Ours, for example, is covered with printouts of late ‘90s song lyrics we found on Angelfire fansites.

Lyric: “You can look for answers but that ain’t fun/Now get in the pit and try to love someone.”

Fact check: Accurate. Spending 3 months heading a research team to examine the lyrics to “Bawitdaba” was not fun. On the plus side, it did help us reconnect with certain members of our family who can only be reached via beeper. We love you, Aunt Krystal!

33-Year-Old Woman Believes Now More Than Ever She Has a Shot With Josh Hartnett

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

NAPA, Calif. — Local woman Amanda Perez believes that, for the first time in her life, she most likely has a decent shot with actor and ’90s heartthrob Josh Hartnett after nearly 20 years of pining.

“Back when Josh was in ‘The Faculty’ I was only 11, so he definitely wouldn’t want to date then. But I just made partner at my law firm, and I got really into pilates three years ago, so I’m aging like a fine wine in a majestic Northern California vineyard,” Perez stated. “I’m older and more mature, and just feel like if there was ever a time for Josh to probably be, at the very least, open to a date, this is it. It doesn’t have to be anything serious. Or maybe something totally serious, who knows? I’m definitely open to seeing where it goes.”

Perez’s mother, Donna Perez, has absolute faith in her daughter’s tenacity of will, determination, and ability to achieve her goals.

“He’s that guy from the ‘Halloween’ remake, right? Oh, yeah — she can seal that deal in like, six minutes,” Mrs. Perez said. “That guy must be like, 45 by now. If he’s single, he’s got no business turning my daughter down. I saw her pass the bar exam on her first try — I don’t know what more Josh Hartnett would need to see their potential together. She’s a solid 8, and back in the aughts, he was about a 6. I mean, he was O.K., but he’s no Gael Garcia Bernal.”

Sadly, following a brief scroll through the actor’s Wikipedia page and learning that Hartnett is happily married with two children, the younger Perez was remorseful that she didn’t act sooner.

“That’s a shame. Maybe I should’ve made my move after ‘Lucky Number Slevin’ came out,” she lamented. “I bet he was feeling pretty low then, and would’ve been easier to nail. Oh well. Maybe we’re just meant to have one of those unrequited loves… like how when two people have never and probably will never meet, but one person saw the other person on T.V. a lot. It’s a tale as old as time.”

“Does anyone know what Domhnall Gleeson is up to, though?” she added. “I love gingers and that guy can get it, too.”

Opinion: Two Hot People Having a Kid Together Is Eugenics

Posted on by John Danek

There was once a man who dreamed of a more perfect humanity, a day when everyone would be considered equally beautiful. Think it sounds nice? Well, that man’s name was Adolf Hitler, you Nazi scum. Get your Aryan selective breeding theories out of my face, before my fist debunks them for you.

If you’re hot and you have sex with someone else who’s hot you are basically a war criminal.

Eugenics is the ethically corrupt methodology of attempting to improve the species by selective reproduction. Modern-day eugenics isn’t being carried out in laboratories or philosophical debates, but rather on Tinder and Bumble and at sex parties that I’ve never been invited to except by grave mistake.

Hot people only want to have children with the other hots. We know this. They’ve always stuck together. Sure, they sometimes act like they’re not disgusted by your grotesque visage. But they’ll never want to pork you. Don’t believe me? Just ask. They will say no every time.

What I’m saying is: anyone who doesn’t seriously consider reproducing with me is part of the problem.

The hot people are hoarding all the good genetics. People are starving due to lack of beauty, and the top 1% will do anything except redistribute dat ass. Wanna know why I look so fucking weird? Because Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are swirling their DNA into some mega-hottie supermodel fetus and my parents couldn’t give me a jawline. Bernie wouldn’t stand for this, and neither should you.

It’s simple, mathematically speaking. Anyone 7/10 or higher is hot. And if you’re hot, it is your moral duty to create offspring with a homely. At least two (2) hotness points below you. Fives. Fours. Hell, you could even take one for the whole team and bump uglies with a two.

But if you stick to eights and nines and tens? Textbook eugenics. I think you deserve to get canceled. C’mon man, dilute the gene pool. Make it so everyone is like, cute enough to get by. I don’t know who needs to hear this but Hitler’s ghost smiles every time two hot people have sex. What are you, a Nazi? No? Then it’s time to get out there, start plowing some ogres, and make ol’ Adolf ugly cry.

Robert Smith Leaves Flaming Bag of Fried Chicken on Morrissey’s Porch Again

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LONDON — The Cure founder and noted prankster Robert Smith left another flaming bag of fried chicken on Morrissey’s doorstep last night, sources close to the singers allege.

“I can’t believe he fell for it again — this is twice in a month! He deserves it for calling me a whingebag in the 80s and then spending the next 30 years literally moaning into a microphone and canceling shows because the sun was too bright or whatever. Hypocrite,” said Smith, peering out from behind a bush 50 yards from Morrissey’s front door. “This is just one of my little, poetic ways of screwing with him. Once in 1996, I tricked him into attending a Spice Girls show — he was so excited when he saw all of the Union Jack flags, he thought he was at a pro-England rally.”

Morrissey, visibly shaken from stomping out the flaming bag of meat, has suspected for years that Smith has been torturing him.

“It was that Blackpool arsehole — I know that fright wig of his from anywhere, skulking in the darkness. Why couldn’t he just put shit in the bag like a normal person?” said Morrissey while clutching a cricket bat and staring out the window. “To have those innocent souls set ablaze and trampled underfoot. Such indignity! So what if I trashed him in the press for a decade? I’ve never done anything in my life to deserve this.”

While Scotland Yard responded to Morrissey’s frantic 999 call, they were confident further action would not be necessary.

“While it does appear Morrissey is being targeted, we’ve little reason to believe that the culprit is the lead singer of a universally beloved goth band. If anything, it’s just neighborhood children playing pranks on an old man,” said constable Terry Worthingham. “We’ve been called several times to this address for acts of mischief in the last month, and each time he has either blamed Mr. Smith or immigrants.”

Smith was later seen in a telephone booth with singer Siouxsie Sioux, each stifling their laughter as they called Morrissey pretending to be Johnny Marr and saying “Meat is Murder” was the worst song he’s ever written.

Opinion: These Good Good McEl-Boys Have Infected My Word Brain and It Suuuuuuucks

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Helloooooo, and welcome to My Article, My Article, and Me, an op-ed column for the mod-ren era. I’m your Hard Drive columnist, Author McEl-Boy, and — hey, just real quick, folks — I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been binge-listening to a lot of My Brother, My Brother, and Me lately and ever since then, these good good McEl-Boys have gotten all up inside of my word brain and replaced the way I enunciate words with their parlance and now I’m completely trapped like this and it — no joke — it fuckin’ suuuuuuuuuucks.

Seriously, I’m not joking. Let’s just send jokes out of the room for a second. Go on, get outta here, jokes. And don’t get me wrong, mon frère — when I first woke up like this yesterday, I thought it would be great for my career! I love the McElroy family of podcasts, and I figured my metamorphosis into a pseudo-McElroy meant I could finally become a beloved internet personality like Justin, Travis and Griffin and finally make my meemaw and pap-pap proud. But ever since I started mimicking those good good boys, all of my friends have suddenly packed their bags and moved away. Everyone I know has abandoned me. I am an empty shell of a man. Hot dang!

By far the worst part of this is that I’ve written into MBMBaM several times already trying to ask for the brothers’ help to undo the curse their diction has placed on my psyche. I can’t stop talking like them if I tried, and even when I try to write down what I’m feeling, I slip into their delightfully silly trademark banter-y style. I feel like Frasier in the middle of one of his classic escapades and Garfield on a Monday morning all rolled into one. Hey, what if Garfield and Frasier traded places? I bet it would sound something…like this!

Oh no, it’s happening again! The transformation has begun! Quick, get away before I start free-associating for the next 50 minutes! This has been a cry for help, kiss your dad squuuuuuuuare on the lips!

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Next Kingdom Hearts Game to Feature all the Racist Cats from ‘The Aristocats’

Posted on by Ed Smith

TOKYO — In honor of the classic Disney film’s 50th anniversary, publisher Square-Enix announced in a press release today that the next installment of the Kingdom Hearts franchise will include all of the racist cats from The Aristocats.

“Kingdom Hearts has always been about celebrating the magic of Disney, and that includes the racist cats from The Aristocats, even that Chinese one with the buck teeth and chopsticks,” explained Dec Hubbard, vice-president of marketing at Square Enix of America. “The cool thing about working in game development is that everybody just absolutely loves everything we do. Or at least, that’s what my staff tells me — I don’t allow myself to look at the internet.”

Sensing opportunity, other video game developers have been quick to cash-in on the emerging market for old, racist cartoons. 

“For Epic Mickey 3, we’re taking inspiration from the Kingdom Hearts team and really trying to go back to our roots,” said Robert Weaver, vice-president of marketing at Disney Interactive Studios. “Mickey in Arabia, Mickey in the Deep South, Mickey in the jungle — all the big ones, all the hits. I showed all of those old Mickey cartoons to my niece the other day and she said they were ‘absolutely unbelievable’. That’s exactly the kind of reaction I want to inspire in our players.

Other industry insiders have been more critical, arguing that the Kingdom Hearts news represents a step backwards for politics in games. 

“We don’t want racist caricatures of cats,” argued Zach Anderson, podcaster and editor for online publication The Objective Gamer. “We want racist caricatures of people. That’s what video games are really about.”

Square Enix is set to announce further additions to the Kingdom Hearts franchise, including a remaster of the original game starring Goofy, Donald Duck and Mickey from an alternate universe where the Nazis won the war.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Amazon Prime Auto-Renew Patiently Waits to Ruin Woman’s Financial Plans

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

CHICAGO — Local hair stylist Anna Yun’s carefully budgeted plans for the month were derailed again yesterday by her Amazon Prime membership’s automatic renewal, marking the fourth year in a row that she’s forgotten to cancel the service.

“Mother fucking shit. It happened again,” Yun muttered angrily while moving money from her savings to her checking account. “One minute I’m planning out my Christmas presents for my mom, and then, bam! Bezos absolutely fucks me again. Doesn’t that bald sack of shit have enough money already? There’s no way it’s been an entire year already, right? I hope his fucking Tesla explodes.”

Many users forget when their memberships are set to renew, leaving them “fucked beyond belief” after the surprise charges, as several frustrated Amazon reviewers put it.

“I initially signed up to get free shipping on a pillow I ordered back in 2011… and I don’t know how, but the day before the renewal always slips past me, despite me insisting that I’ll definitely remember it,” said chronic Prime subscriber Darren Blank while vowing to cancel his membership as soon as possible for the ninth consecutive year. “It’s a total scam. I mean, ‘Mrs. Maisel’ was okay, but other than that, fuck this whole company. If I didn’t have my entire skincare routine and most of my food on Prime subscription plans, I’d cancel this goddamn membership today.”

For their part, Amazon insisted their policy of accidentally overdrafting thousands of users’ accounts every day is “totally not on purpose.”

“Look, we don’t want to bog down our members with pesky notifications about renewals or yearly price hikes,” said Amazon spokesperson Dana Fletcher. “We think our users would much rather hear about new episodes of our Emmy-winning original series ‘Fleabag.’ Have you watched ‘Fleabag?’ A lot of people really love ‘Fleabag.’ Surely you don’t want to cancel your membership before you plow through that in one evening, right?”

Scrambling for funds yet again, Yun is now adamant about supporting small businesses over large corporations. “These billionaire bastards aren’t getting another dime from me,” she insisted. “From now on, I’m shopping at Target.”

Christian Bale Trying to Convince Courtney Love to Kill Him In Prep for New Role in Kurt Cobain Biopic

Posted on by Evan Caris

SEATTLE — Method actor Chrstian Bale is preparing to star in a biopic based on famed Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain’s life by learning to sing and play guitar, developing a taste for heroin, and begging Courtney Love to murder him, sources who still haven’t gotten over grunge confirmed.

“To be honest, outside of a few Nirvana hits, I didn’t know much about Kurt before taking this role,” Bale said in between reminding everyone that he is, in fact, British. “People call me a method actor, but I just want to do the job right. I started doing some research online, and the Internet convinced me that Courtney killed him, so the obvious next step was to pursue her and have her kill me, too.”

“Audiences are tired of actors who don’t fully commit to the role,” Bale added, removing the needle and tourniquet from his arm.

Director and frequent collaborator David O. Russell was pleased Bale reached the “obvious conclusion” that Love killed Cobain.

“Bale’s a pretty decent guy, but he doesn’t truly hate women like I do, so I was afraid I’d have to convince him Kurt didn’t commit suicide. Thank god for the Internet,” Russell said while groping a female staffer before phoning Lily Tomlin so he can scream at her again.

Love herself reported that Bale was outside her home yesterday, demanding to talk or be murdered right there.

“I refused to let him in, but I did speak with Christian by phone. Once again, let me say: I didn’t fucking kill the father of my child. I know Kurt’s male fans want me to be some evil harpy bitch who destroyed their fragile hero rather than accept that Kurt was a deeply flawed man suffering from chronic physical health issues, depression, and a severe drug addiction,” Love explained. “It’s all so sexist. Like, why are there no conspiracies about Amy Winehouse’s death? Anyway, after some time, I did convince Christian that Kurt committed suicide. He seemed weirdly calm about it, though.”

Bale was last seen purchasing a shotgun from a Dick’s Sporting Goods.

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