Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Enters Tenth Year of Waiting to Be in Good Enough Headspace to Try Acid

Posted on November 23, 2020 by Billy Patterson

PHILADELPHIA — Local resident Daniel Mayfield is now in his 10th consecutive year of waiting to be in a good enough state-of-mind to try LSD, already anxious sources confirmed.

“I bought a few tabs fresh out of college, and I was really excited to try it,” said Mayfield. “But with my job, adult responsibilities, and general sense of dread, there hasn’t been a day since then when I wasn’t too stressed-out or anxiety-ridden to trip. I want my first time to be a good experience, but it’s been a rough decade mentally. And now that I’m in my 30s, I don’t feel that great physically, either.”

Mayfield’s roommate Amanda Garcia is tired of his ongoing hesitance to ingest the drug.

“That acid’s been in the freezer since we moved in. He keeps saying he’s gonna do it, but he always makes excuses: he’s too tired, he’s too depressed, his dad just died, the boiler’s leaking… I wish he would just do it already,” Garcia stated. “It’s not like a bad trip would be that much worse than his average day — he questions the meaning of life and stares at the ceiling for hours when he’s sober as it is. All that’s really gonna change is that he might forget how to use his phone or fold blankets for a few hours. Not a huge shift.”

Mayfield’s low spirits and reluctance to try mind-expanding drugs are not uncommon among adults, according to local dealer Donnie Santilli.

“Everybody is too busy, or depressed, or ‘worried about the news’ to trip lately. The only people who want acid these days are the ones who microdose so they can be more productive when they work from home. Or so they claim,” Santilli explained. “And they only buy a few tabs at a time. I’m telling you, 2020 has been a bad year for psychedelics. I’m selling a shitload of Xanax and weed, but I can’t give acid away.”

For his part, Mayfield remains optimistic about trying LSD one day. “Once COVID is over, Trump is gone, the weather gets better, my sales numbers go up, I lose some weight and find a girlfriend, my anxiety improves, both of my parents die, and my upstairs neighbor moves out,” he said, “I’m sure I’ll be happy enough to try it.”

Opinion: I Can’t Help You Raise Kids Because I Don’t Believe in a Patriarchy

Posted on November 23, 2020 by Shea Strauss

If I raise my own children, am I not enabling a patriarchal society upon their impressionable minds? Children are our future, and they need to imagine a life without men always in authority.

If you want, I can ask my Aunt Helen to help out, instead. She’s not doing much, she’s just a nurse. Imagine how empowered my offspring will be if they see two female figures raising them. I would never force my children to live in a traditional two-parent household. Not everyone is cisgender or straight. Our world is beautifully diverse. So why would I want my children to only be exposed to such a narrow view of what constitutes a family?

Change has to start at home.

As a proud male feminist ally, I understand that men can be oppressive. And that’s why I think my male presence would simply undercut your naturally maternal offerings.

In the words of yes kween Ruth Bader Ginsberg, “True equality cannot be achieved until women run everything.” Or something like that. And who am I, a mere straight man who cannot begin to understand the oppression of women, to argue with RBG? I humbly and submissively retire my role as patriarch to history where it belongs.

The children can call me “Peter” or “Cool Pete” or “Uncle Petey,” but “Dad?” No thanks, gross. I don’t want to give them daddy issues.

This situation reminds me of when I liberated your mind from the bondage of monogamy at the beginning of our marriage. Society tells us we must live one way, but if two hot 18-year-olds invite me into a threesome, isn’t it anti-feminist and sex-negative to deny them that pleasure? You were skeptical at first then as well, labeling it as the outdated, monoganormative term “cheating.” But you grew to see that my sexual liberation liberates women everywhere.

And I’d like to think, in a similar way, that you’ll grow to see my refusal to parent as an act of defiance against archaic roles. What is fatherhood but The Man dictating to a child how to live their life? I will not stand for that. I will not bow down to tradition just because society and the law tell me to.

That’s not to say I don’t want kids. I’m a philanthropist, after all, and would love to save some kid from Africa. All that to say, yes, honey, I will adopt a child with you. As long as you do all the work.

I mean, I’ll let you know if you’re doing it wrong, but like, that’s it.

Wu-Tang Fan Gives Every Wedding Guest a Verse in His Vows

Posted on November 23, 2020 by Yancy Lee Crawford

PLYMOUTH, Ind. — Last week’s wedding of Carson Kauffman and Casey Urbanski took a surprisingly dope turn when every single guest got to spit an ill verse during the groom’s wedding vows, stoked-ass sources confirmed.

“Weddings are celebrations where families come together, and I couldn’t think of a better way to start a new Kauffman dynasty than with everybody doin’ a feature on my vows foreva’,” said the Kauffman from an unprompted, poorly posed b-boy stance. “Besides, why have a hype man when you have a whole hype clan, man? Damn!”

Maid of honor Erin Urbanski was thrilled with the breaks from wedding tradition.

“I had no idea my family could bring the ruckus so hard,” Urbanski beamed between sips from her champagne flute. “It got weird when Grandpa freestyled some racist stuff about BLM and QAnon instead of talking about his granddaughter’s wedding, but his flow was so raw. I really didn’t want to like it, but I couldn’t help it — I mean, everybody was nodding along so hard. Is every Jewish wedding this cool?”

During the extended vows, an unprovoked diss track directed at Carson’s Uncle Ari Menkowitz by Casey’s Uncle Troy Reitman culminated in a shaolin showdown.

“That goyim disrespected his family at the rehearsal dinner when he got seconds on chow mein without waiting for everyone else to finish their potstickers,” an incredulous Menkowitz shouted while attempting to drown his rival in a punch bowl of egg drop soup. “But pointing to me and rapping, ‘No response while I bomb your wife’s ass, you ain’t shit, your wack-ass rhymes are filled with gas’ during my nephew’s wedding was the last straw. Honor must be restored to this ceremony! Protect ya neck, Troy!”

The wedding party later retired to play PS2 games in the Knights of Columbus reception hall while Carson’s demo of “Casey Rules Everything Around Me” blared in the background.

Video Game Enemies Circulate Anonymous Spreadsheet to Share Max HP and Equipment Info

Posted on November 22, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

GRUGG’S CASTLE — In an effort to increase transparency about fair hiring practices and compensation, a group of video game enemies employed as guards at the Demon King Grugg’s castle have reportedly begun circulating an anonymous spreadsheet to disclose their max HP and equipment info, sources within the castle have confirmed.

“I can’t believe it. I’ve been guarding this stupid castle for ages and this new guy who patrols the outer wall already has 200 HP, a flaming sword, and three elixirs in his inventory,” remarked a longtime member of Grugg’s Gruesome Gang in an internal employee message board thread. “I’m a level 53 fire troll, I deserve better than this. I’m going to schedule a meeting with my manager next chance I get to negotiate some new armor and weapons for myself. So thankful to my castle family for helping me to know my worth and get what I deserve.”

A miniboss who stands guard at the halfway point of the castle declined to offer details on the ongoing internal matter, but says the Demon King strives to compensate all of his underlings fairly.

“His Awfulness King Grugg offers the standard required loadout of items and equipment to all new members of his Gruesome Gang,” said the miniboss, a giant electrified skull sitting at the middle of a roulette wheel. “Beyond that, everyone has the same opportunity to gain experience day to day if they’re willing to put in the important work of slaughtering heroes. Believe me, I started in the mailroom. I know it can be hard to climb the corporate ladder, but complaining doesn’t get anybody anywhere.”

At press time, tensions among the castle personnel had erupted after a leak of information showing that King Grugg has three different battle transformations, infinite bombs, and a staggering 9999 HP.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Gamer Who “Plays Better While High” Has No Basis for Comparison

Posted on November 22, 2020 by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Local gamer Aaron Hopper insisted that he “plays way better when he’s stoned” despite a complete lack of experience playing any other way.

“It helps me calm down and focus on the objective. If I played this game sober I’d get all tense,” said Hopper during a quick bong rip while his teammates fought off a rival squad in Call of Duty: Warzone. “Hypothetically, I mean.”

Hopper claimed marijuana also increased his effectiveness at cooking, studying, driving, cleaning, and sex, even though he had no reported experience doing any of those things without being absolutely ripped on that loud.

“Sometimes I’ll wake up in the morning and I’m not stoned, and it’s a real bummer,” said Hopper, opening his nightstand drawer to show off his edibles, vape cartridges, and joints, the most organized area of his home. “That’s what this baby is for.”

His squadmates had no basis for comparison either, but they were skeptical that cannabis had anything but a negative effect on his play.

“I’ve known Aaron for ten years, and I couldn’t tell you the first thing about what he’s like when he’s not stoned beyond belief, let alone whether he’s good at video games. That said, I don’t think he could get any worse,” said longtime friend Mollie Baxter. “Most of the time he doesn’t even seem to know what game we’re playing.”

Hopper also declared that listening to podcasts made him better at games, even though he had to rewind the episode every 30 seconds and retained none of the information.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

The Passion of the Crust

Posted on November 22, 2020 by Hard Drive Staff

In the newest episode of The Hard Drive Podcast, Mark and Jeremy write and perform an original episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! that parodies the 2004 Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ — a movie that neither of them ever cares to actually see. They write the entire episode live on the podcast with no ideas beforehand! Watch the process on YouTube or download the audio with any podcast app.

BMW to Implement Turn Signals in All Vehicles by 2022

Posted on November 22, 2020 by Ben Friedman

MUNICH — Luxury car manufacturer BMW will finally implement turn signals in all of their vehicles by 2022, according to a press release sent out earlier today.

“We are always looking to push the driving experience to the next level. It is in this spirit that we’re proud to announce that within the next two years, all of our vehicles will have state of the art ‘turn signals’ installed,” said BMW CEO Oliver Zipse. “Our drivers will now have the option to let other people know in which lateral direction they intend to move. Yes, this feature means the driver seat bidet will have to wait, but we believe it’ll be worth it.”

So far, current BMW owners’ have been lukewarm about the shift, feeling turn signals will devalue the brand.

“I bought a Beemer for one thing, and one thing only: to let everyone on the road that I’m better than them. It’s always been my assumption that when people see me coming down the road they’ll just get the hell out of my way,” said BMW owner Michael Staglioni of Marlboro, N.J. “Now I have to look at this extra ugly handle coming out of my steering wheel, like I’m some fucking clod? I might as well be driving a Toyota Corolla with all this shit cluttering my line of sight.”

The U.S. Department of Transportation celebrated the changes, but was cautious about the potential for change amongst BMW drivers’ habits.

“While we’re pleased that they’ve implemented this technology that has existed for more than 60 years, it may not be enough to curb the negative image BMW drivers have cultivated. We want to believe drivers will do the right thing, but for this type of driver, safe driving in one area will likely result in other negative behaviors,” said DOT spokesperson Roxy Brader. “We’re expecting, at minimum, an increase in drivers leaning on the horn one second after a light turns green, tailgating in the left hand lane while going 20 mph over the speed limit, and throwing fast food bags out of their windows.”

BMW also announced that by 2024, all of their vehicles will be able to be driven under 80 miles per hour.

Mötley Crüe Finally Reveals Mysterious Meaning Behind “Girls, Girls, Girls”

Posted on November 22, 2020 by Rob Steinberg

LOS ANGELES — Seminal hair metal band Mötley Crüe finally revealed yesterday the deeper meaning to the enigmatic song “Girls, Girls, Girls” after over 30 years of being shrouded in mystery.

“We always considered Mötley Crüe to be a poetic band, and we wanted people to make their own interpretations of our lyrics. But it’s time for us to finally put the rumors to rest,” said bassist Nikki Sixx while putting hair spray in his soul patch. “I’ve heard people say the song is about economic disparity, that it’s an allegory for the love a parent has for their child, and even that it’s secret Satanic code. But the truth is that it’s about very, very attractive women who take their clothes off for money, and with whom we wanted to have sexual relations. I know people might not buy that given the intricacies of the words, but it’s true.”

Many fans continue to assign meaning to the song despite the stunning revelation of its true intent.

“I firmly believe that the chanting of ‘girls’ in threes is rooted from the Triple Goddess archetype — you know, the embodiment of the mother, the maiden, and the crone rolled into one,” said ’80s metal scholar Cynthia Kosters. “We just can’t figure out why, though. I know Sixx is inspired by the works of Thomas Hobbes and Kierkegaard — perhaps there are clues in some of their later works that will give us an answer.”

Famous music historian Dr. Xavier Mulkern wrote a book interpreting the song and its statement on capitalism.

“The song, from my research, is clearly about anxieties for where the country was headed — they created this hypersigil of sorts, in hopes to change things for the better. The classic symbol of freedom, the Statue of Liberty, is a girl after all. Our country is not the only free one, therefore there are many ‘girls’ that the song is about,” said Dr. Mulkern. “The locations discussed in the lyrics — Tropicana, The Dollhouse, B-B-Body Shop — must all be secret government locations discussed in ‘The Morning of the Magicians’ by Louis Pauwels and Jacques Bergier. The motorcycles heard at the beginning, meanwhile, are the modern day four horsemen coming to ruin everything if we don’t fix ourselves.”

In related news, drummer Tommy Lee revealed the song “Dr. Feelgood” was not about a drug dealer, but was actually the name of his personal podiatrist.

Sense of Compassion and Basic Decency Mistaken for Flirting

Posted on November 22, 2020 by Megan Cox

SAN DIEGO ー Male coworkers of local woman Cleo Thomas discovered yesterday that months of her small talk and general human decency amounted to “nothing” after she wore a Pride shirt to her office last week and came out as gay, debunking claims that she had been flirting with them for months.

“I was shocked to hear Cleo was a lesbian. I thought, ‘There’s no way that chick likes chicks,’ because she’s been flirting with me all year,” said coworker Vince Vickers, who recalled several provocative acts on Thomas’ part including smiling, adding occasional smiley face emojis in emails, and genuinely caring about other people’s general well-being. “She once gave me a pen when mine ran out of ink, and she also told me ‘good morning’ more than once. Like, c’mon! No one wants my number ‘for work related purposes only.’”

“If they’re not interested, they shouldn’t be nice,” he added. “How else are we supposed to know if they want to fuck us, or at least get a late evening dick pic? We’re not goddamn mind readers.”

For her part, Thomas does not view her actions as provocative, claiming she was always acting out of basic human decency rather than sexual interest.

“Women shouldn’t limit their own kindness because of how men might interpret it. Good manners aren’t a green light,” Thomas stated. “Men so badly want to believe they are desirable that they can’t see when a woman is just not interested. Once, I even point blank told a guy, ‘I play for the other team,’ and all he said was, ‘I love a woman who knows sports.’”

Sociologist Dr. Ronald Moore, author of the bestselling book Does No Really Mean No?, explained Thomas is not the only woman giving off “mixed signals.”

“According to my research, 92% of signals are misinterpreted between men and women, and it’s the woman’s fault 100% of the time,” explained Moore. “After extensive neurological imaging, my team has concluded that men’s brains are incapable of deciphering between flirting and genuine kindness, which makes Thomas’s situation a classic, cut and dry case of leading men on. You should’ve read the vibes she gave off in the email she sent me. Total tease.”

Considering the reaction of her male coworkers, Thomas reports being incredibly thankful she is a lesbian.

Opinion: If You Look Around the Venue and You Don’t See the Poser, You’re the Poser

Posted on November 22, 2020 by Eric Navarro

You’re at a show in some 20-something’s basement. You look to your left and see a bunch of young, hip zoomers using slang. You don’t know what any of it means but it sounds cool as fuck! You look to your right and you see some millennials ranting about some politician you’ve never heard of. You’re probably thinking, “Wow, what a great show! Not a poser in sight.” Well think again you old fuck because if you look around the venue and don’t see the poser, sorry to tell you, everyone here is looking at you and wishing your poser ass would leave so they’d feel cool again.

Sure, you spent over a decade permanently bruising your shins learning how to 360 flip but all these 22-year-olds see is a mall-grabbing narc. They’re not wrong though. At this point, the only thing you should be “dropping in” on is your kids. Why are you at this show?!

And yes, that Clash t-shirt you’re wearing was an actual tour shirt that you got as a hand-me-down gift from your uncle who got you into punk. But all the young punks see is a Hot Topic shopping poser with some kind of normie, loving family. Go home. Nobody wants you here.

Alright, alright. It may sound like you’ve taken a bad beat and you should probably cash out and go home. And, I mean, yeah you have, and, yeah you should. But on the way, let’s stop by a place where you can successfully lord your former punk cred over those who will appreciate it: hipster bars. There, you can pick all the low-hanging social fruit you can handle as you tell tales of “how it used to be” to a group of people who absolutely fucking love hearing about how things used to be.

Plus, even though your withered ass is over 30, you can still beat up a hipster! Which you will likely do when you realize they’re laughing at you too.

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