FORT MYERS, Fla. — Goregrind band Masticated Genitalia found themselves deriving inspiration from transformations they observed in their own bodies as they got older, sources report.
“When we got started in the early 2000s, I was using an old medical textbook to come up with song ideas and lyrics,” bassist and vocalist Jeff Carter reflected. “That’s where I got titles like ‘Botched Perineoplasty’ and ‘Projectile Torrents of Regurgated Smegmatic Discharge.’ Now that I’ve hit middle age, though, it’s a lot easier for me to just use the daily experience of getting older to gather ideas. I actually just finished writing the lyrics to our upcoming song ‘Advanced Testicular Distension’ after noticing how much my ballsack sags now. A lot of people get stressed out by the process of getting older, but it’s working out pretty well for us.”
Fan Tomas Andrikkson understood what his favorite band was doing.
“I totally get where the guys in Masticated Genitalia are coming from,” Andrikkson said. “I just turned 40 myself, and the other day I got dizzy from standing up too fast. This happened just a couple days after I pulled my groin just stepping into the driver’s seat of my car. I’m going through bullshit like this on a daily basis now, to the point where I’m considering starting a goregrind band myself. Getting old is fucking metal as hell, dude. There’s really no need to get inventive when it comes to writing brutal song lyrics.”
Metal expert Rochelle Asefa weighed in on the situation.
“With extreme metal still being a relatively new genre, we’re just now starting to see bands reach their middle and golden years,” Asefa provided. “And representatives of all subgenres are using it as their muse when writing new material or exhibiting behaviors typical of their music’s style. I just did a case study of an old black metal band in Norway that set fire to their nursing home because they were too tired to walk to the nearest church, and I’ve heard that there’s an old progressive death metal guitarist who set his pacemaker to have his heart beat at 150 BPMs so he could use it as a metronome. We will continue to see situations like this going forward, so I’m excited to see what the future has in store for us.”
At press time, Masticated Genitalia decided to write a concept album about Carter’s upcoming colonoscopy.
JD Vance Relieved To Learn Couch Unharmed After Home Vandalization
CINCINNATI — A suspect is in custody today after breaking a window in the Ohio home of Vice President JD Vance, who expressed tremendous relief that none of his prized couches were harmed in the altercation.
“When I first got the call, a million horrifying thoughts came into my mind. ‘Are the couches okay? Are they all accounted for? Has there been any damage to the upholstery?’ It was a truly terrifying moment,” recalled Vance during a Zoom interview this morning. “Thankfully, the only thing that was damaged was a window and my family’s psyche. It’s moments like these where you really just need to count your blessings and thank God for keeping your furniture safe. If anything ever happened to Lesslie (my Crate & Barrel 2-piece sectional), I honestly don’t know what I would do.”
The Vice President was evidently still rattled by the incident, continuing to catastrophize what may have become of his most intimately cherished furnishings.
“I wasn’t worried about the brown leather channel from Poly and Bark, hell, I can tell you firsthand that whatever you dish out to that baddie, she’ll throw it right back, but the La-Z-Boy Piper? The antique fainting couch? Hell, Brittany is just an ottoman for Christ’s sake, she’d be defenseless!”
A Secret Service agent recalled debriefing the Vice President on the incident.
“He was pretty anxious on the phone. I made sure to tell him that his family was safe right off the bat, but he kept saying ‘What about my loved ones?!’ Took us a while to figure out he was talking about the couches. Aside from a few questionable stains that looked like they had been there long before the vandalism incident, they seemed fine. Then we handed the phone over to his wife, and before she could get a word out, I just heard him screaming, ‘Put the couch on the phone! I want to talk to the couch!’ I guess being shook up like that makes a man behave strangely sometimes.”
This is a breaking story, and we will have more as it develops.
Punk Hibachi Chef Throws Cigarette Butts Into Patrons Mouths
BOSTON — Local punk hibachi chef Joey “Skunk” Robins reportedly hucks cigarette butts into the mouths of customers as opposed to squirting sake, confirmed sources.
“I’m just trying to give customers an experience they will never forget and they never do, as evidenced by the many one- and two-star reviews on Yelp,” explained Robins while smoking multiple cigarettes at once. “One day I’m ripping cigs and tossing some shrimp in a pan while cooking at home, then suddenly I get paid to do it in front of a live and hungry audience. Turns out customers didn’t like it when I put out a lit Marlboro on the chicken teriyaki meal they were about to eat. This was the next best option. Anyway, one day I hope to open a hibachi space of my own that could feed and provide secondhand nicotine to an entire punk scene.”
Some patrons found their hibachi experience confusing and frankly painful.
“I thought I was at a regular hibachi restaurant until I was already seated and the chef was using my hand to play five finger fillet,” said John Jensen, a Boston area normie. “After I left the restaurant, I was covered in bruises from Skunk’s attempted stage dive that occurred mid-meal. I think every culture should be celebrated, but I left that place with a broken rib and a cigarette burn on the top of my mouth that looks like a bullet hole. I’m not sure if I should call the cops or try to get a refund. What is the policy in a situation like this?”
Although some left appalled, others found surprising solace in their dining experience, such as local food critic Elias Roxy.
“I was an empty shell of myself for so long. Going from place to place eating wagyu, caviar, saffron souffle, you name it, but my soul remained hollow,” said Roxy. “The first time I walked into Hibachi Pit a half-smoked American Spirit hit me in the face. But against all odds, I sat down and tried to order and those next few hours changed the course of my life. I’ve never felt more alive, more odorous, or more metal. You’ll never catch me eating the food of the bourgeoisie ever again.”
Since the rave review, Hibachi Pit has caught the attention of diners across the country as well as the Boston Department of Health.
Help! I Said “Sussudio” Three Times in the Bathroom Mirror and Now I’m Being Haunted by Phil Collins
It was my very first sleepover party, and everything was going great. My parents warned me that staying the night at someone else’s house could be “scary” and “new,” and that if anything went wrong, I should call them immediately.
All my friends from Mr. Edwards’s fourth-grade class were there: Steven Carter, Bobby Warner, Charles, Chris, and even Jake Jandrowski.
Steven’s house was SO NICE. His parents ordered a giant cheese pizza, we played Nintendo Switch for hours, and we ate potato chips straight from the bag. Then we had a Carvel ice cream cake for Steven’s birthday, and I ate a HUGE slice.
Once we got into our sleeping bags, Bobby Warner said he had a dare for us. Bobby Warner always had a dare.
“Have you guys ever heard of… Sussudio?” he whispered.
We all shook our heads.
“If you go into the bathroom,” Bobby said, “turn off the lights…lock the door…look into the mirror…and say ‘Sussudio’ three times, Phil Collins will appear.”
We gasped. “Nuh-uh,” I said.
Bobby nodded, deadly calm. “Yeah-huh.”
Nobody moved. The room went silent.
“I’ll do it,” I said. “I’ll go in, lock the door, look in the mirror, and say ‘Sussudio.’”
“Three times!” shouted Bobby.
“Three times,” I said.
I went into the bathroom, shut off the lights, locked the door, and said, “Sussudio, Sussudio, Sussudio.”
The bathroom began to rumble. Whooshing surrounded me. Drums started to play, then a synth, then a sax. A disembodied blue head appeared. It was Phil Collins — the exact Phil Collins from the “Sussudio” single cover. He began to sing.
“THERE’S THIS GIRL THAT’S BEEN ON MY MINNNND, ALL THE TIME, SUSSUSUDIO, OH OH!”
I screamed and backed into the door, fumbling with the lock until it finally opened. I bolted out. But Phil followed.
Everyone screamed as Steven’s dad came rushing downstairs.
“TELL ME you didn’t say ‘Sussudio’ three times in the mirror with the door locked and the lights off!” he yelled. “PLEASE tell me you did not do that.”
“BUT I THINK SHE LIKES ME JUST THE SAME, SUSSUSUDIO, OH OH!” Phil continued.
“I think I’m going to have to call your parents, Michael,” Steven’s dad said.
Well…let me tell you. My parents were SO mad, and they’re still mad. They hired a spirit medium to get rid of him, but she’s booked until next week. So I’m grounded until then, and Phil won’t stop singing. Ugh. I wish I had never said “Sussudio.” Help! I’m in too deep!
Jimmy Fallon Joins ICE to Help Round Up Other Talk Show Hosts
NEW YORK — “The Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon shocked the comedy world after revealing he has voluntarily joined ICE to assist with rounding up other American talk show hosts who have spoken ill of the Trump administration, NBC executives confirmed.
“I got this great new segment where I join ICE, and hunt down my talk show host colleagues like the unpatriotic dogs they are. Unlike them, I’m unemployable outside of ‘The Tonight Show’ so if I have to escort Stephen Colbert to a black site in El Salvador to not get cancelled, I’m down,” said Fallon. “I never wanted to pick a side in this political battle, unlike my writing staff I had disappeared for mocking the President. But once I track down Jimmy Kimmel and turn him over to the state once and for all, I’ll secure myself a primetime spot when all the networks are consolidated into ‘TrumpTV’ in a few years.”
Fellow late night host and former SNL co-star Seth Meyers was mortified that he’d betray them.
“That giggling, backstabbing son of a bitch. He just busted into 30 Rock with an army of agents and started hunting us down one by one. One of the pages said she saw Kelly Clarkson being dragged away in a giant beer pong cup prop, like it was all some kind of sick joke. Thankfully I managed to hide in the one place he’s too afraid to enter, Lorne Michaels’ office,” said Meyers. “If I can hold out another 15 minutes, it should give Craig Ferguson enough time to arrive with the chopper and get us to Canada. Fucking hell, if Jimmy wanted to sell out that badly why didn’t he just go on Bill Maher?”
DHS Secretary Kristi Noem commended Fallon for his efforts.
“After trying to silence Kimmel backfired, we caught a break when Jimmy came to us and offered to use his connections to locate and eliminate other hosts we’ve labeled enemies of the state in exchange for permanent relevancy. This is exactly the kind of leverage we needed, especially after Conan O’Brien single-handedly took out 40 ICE agents last week,” said Noem. “Once we can get Jay Leno and James Corden fitted for uniforms, our team of grating, milquetoast centrist hacks is going to really bust some heads.”
As of press time, Fallon put on an exclusive performance for the detained contemporaries by slow jamming the news they were being sent to Alligator Alcatraz.
Fox News Viewer Unaware He’s Actually Watching ‘Escape From New York’
PLANO, Texas — Local veteran and longtime Fox News viewer Ronald Merchant spent most of Tuesday afternoon convinced he was watching live coverage of Manhattan, despite the fact that the “broadcast” was actually the 1981 John Carpenter film “Escape From New York,” which his grandson had apparently left playing on Syfy after crashing stoned on the couch the night before while visiting from college.
“This Snake fella reminds me of a buddy I had in ’Nam,” Merchant said, gesturing at the television. “Mean so-of-a-bitch. I watched him kill women and children. He had a cool eye patch too. Anyway, he’s doing real good work cleaning up all the lunatic drug addicts and punk trash in Democrat-run New York. I went there once in the ’70s, and this looks about right. This is what they get for electing a socialist mayor. If this Plissken runs for office, he has my vote. I don’t care if he went to prison, he’s a veteran damn it. My ‘Nam buddy went to prison too. Tax fraud.”
Merchant’s grandson said he immediately recognized something was off when his grandfather began yelling at the TV about “why the anchors were not saying anything about the Duke and all his thugs running wild in Manhattan.”
“It’s so fucking funny. He hasn’t changed the channel from Fox News in 10 years. I think the last time he switched stations it was to watch a rerun of ‘Gunsmoke,’ but he turned it back because ‘the commercials were too homosexual.’ I tried telling him it’s a movie, but he didn’t believe me,” Travis Merchant said. “He just said this was ‘Obama’s America.’ I think he forgot who the president is now. I think I’m putting on ‘Predator 2’ next to give him a taste of LA. Thanks to Tucker Carlson, he already believes in aliens anyway.”
Experts say the 68-year-old Merchant’s confusion is not especially unusual in today’s political climate.
“We see this a lot,” said Dr. Marla Kingsley, a media studies professor at the University of Texas. “For many older viewers, the line between dystopian fiction and Fox News blurred sometime around 2009. The shock of seeing a Black president caused mass derealization amongst boomers. Honestly, Ronald’s approach to this reality break might be the healthiest outcome. At least when he’s preoccupied watching a pretty solid film, he’s not posting patriotic AI slop on Facebook. And there are fewer commercials selling gold, which is a plus.”
At press time, the grandson, in an effort to push the limits of what his grandfather would believe, went too far when Merchant lost interest in “RoboCop” after he “killed that hard-working businessman” and “didn’t back the blue enough.”
Roid Rage? The Guy I Ran Over in the Gym Parking Lot Keeps Screaming
Physical fitness has always been one of my top priorities. I make sure I do at least 10 push-ups and sit-ups a month, and I go to my local 24 Hour Fitness once every five years. So nothing drives me crazier than when I see people taking shortcuts on their fitness journey by poisoning themselves with steroids.
Steroid side effects are real, and they are scary. Fluid retention, acne, and, of course, the increased irritability we know as roid rage. I had a front row seat to a bit of roid rage just last week in my gym’s parking lot. Picture this, if you will — it’s 6:50 p.m. and I’m starving after walking on the treadmill for 10 minutes. My favorite pizza place closes at 7, so I need to hustle. I hop in my car and queue up an episode of “Seinfeld” on my phone, because I drive better when I have something to watch. As I’m driving past the gym’s front door at a reasonable 30 miles per hour, which is more than half the speed limit of a nearby highway, I might add, some psycho comes strutting out the door drinking a protein shake, and before I knew it, my car had mowed them down.
I know you are probably concerned that their big muscles dented my car, but thankfully, there was no damage to my Saturn. Parts are hard to come by these days. I rolled down my window and asked them to please crawl out so I could make it to Spiro’s Pizza and Pasta before they closed, and this roided-up lunatic had the nerve to scream, “You broke my fucking leg, you asshole!” I really don’t approve of that sort of foul language and decided to remove myself from the situation by driving away, but this Jose Canseco wannabe just screamed even louder and seemingly refused to let go of the bottom of my car. Thanks god this parking lot is loaded with speed bumps because I was able to hit one with enough speed that it dislodged the juicehead.
I could still hear him screaming, “Stop that car! Stop that car!” as I drove away. But I wasn’t about to be deterred from my mission of getting a large pepperoni pie with an order of garlic knots just because some guy with artificially big biceps tells me I need to pull over. The local police did end up arresting me for something they call “Attempted Vehicular Manslaughter,” which is a ridiculous charge. But as far as I can tell, they refused to arrest the man I ran over despite his obvious abuse of steroids; it’s probably because all these pigs are using roids as well. I guess that’s the society we live in.
Baby Saves Marriage, Kills Band
FAIRHAVEN, Mass. — A new baby daughter helped local couple Ben and Hannah Brenner reconnect, though her arrival signaled the end of the father’s band, according to the relieved mothers-in-law.
“I know that having a baby to save a marriage isn’t always the greatest idea,” said Mr. Brenner while changing a diaper on top of a disused Marshall 4×12 cabinet. “However, in this case it seems to have worked. Hannah and I are growing closer than ever as we navigate the challenges of parenthood together. Of course, having a baby means I no longer had time for my band, The Razor Snakes. No more touring in a van with the guys or partying backstage. I kind of had to leave the punk lifestyle behind. That being said, parenthood is pretty punk rock if you ask me.”
The other members of The Razor Snakes were disappointed that the band had to end.
“Ben promised us he’d still make time for the band and that nothing would change,” said drummer Phil Pappas. “But somewhere around the third trimester it was clear he couldn’t be a dad and a degenerate punk guitarist. I mean, good for him for being a responsible husband and father, but also, that’s lame as hell. The thing is, we used to practice in his garage—now there’s a Diaper Genie where my kick drum used to be. We’re currently auditioning new guitarists who have a garage or basement and have also had a vasectomy.”
Veteran rock musician Brent Dix says he’s seen this scenario play out many times over his career.
“There is no greater threat to a rock band than a baby,” said Dix. “Your bandmate will claim that they won’t change, but it’s inevitable. They stop coming to practice, they bail out on shows. Then they disappear altogether. You see them a few months later and it’s like they’ve developed Stockholm Syndrome, saying things like, ‘Some of They Might Be Giants’ kids songs actually kind of slap.’ The music gear begins collecting dust. This Ben guy probably won’t pick up a guitar again until his kid is off to college.”
At press time, Mr. Brenner listed his beloved ‘78 Stratocaster on reverb.com to help with daycare costs.
ICE Accidentally Sends Maduro Back to Venezuela
WASHINGTON — In a stunning instance of miscommunication between departments, ICE agents have deported Venezuelan dictator Nicolás Maduro back to Venezuela just hours after he was abducted by the DEA.
“ICE is simply doing its job and keeping America safe from world leaders,” said a defensive Kristi Noem. “I don’t know how the liberal media is trying to spin this, but Maduro is a bad hombre. He is a dangerous man, has known ties to drug cartels, and has absolutely no legal right to be captured in the United States. Adios, buster!”
The move has been met with strong criticism from the rest of Trump’s cabinet, most vocally from RFK Jr., who reportedly had high hopes that Maduro could “Hook it up with some Molly.”
This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops.
Guy in Motörhead Shirt Sick of People Asking Him To Change Their Carburetors
LAKE FOREST, Ill. — Metalhead Darryl Washburn found himself getting exhausted by the constant requests from his friends and family to change their carburetors after he stepped out of the house in a Motörhead shirt, sources report.
“Why is it that this happens every time I step out of the house in my ‘Overkill’ shirt?” Washburn lamented. “I just like the music, man. Just because I’m a Motörhead fan doesn’t mean I know how to replace fuel injectors. I don’t know shit about cars, but everybody assumes the opposite when they see that I like Motörhead. I drive a Honda Fit, and I don’t even know how to change a tire. For Christ’s sake, I barely even know how to pump my own gas. Everyone just needs to back off and stop judging me because of my shirt. I just want to listen to ‘Tear Ya Down’ and be left in peace.”
Washburn’s cousin Jillian Burkett was irritated at his choice of clothing.
“What the fuck is Darryl doing wearing that shirt if he can’t even rotate my tires or figure out why my check engine light has been on for months?” Burkett complained. “Everybody knows that people who wear Motörhead shirts are either mechanics or gearheads who can fix any car issue. I would argue that he isn’t actually a Motörhead fan if he can’t even replace my carburetor. This fucking sucks. I had just assumed that I was going to get this done for free because I had a family connection. Now I have to make an appointment with a mechanic who’s likely going to overcharge me. Thanks a lot, Darryl.”
Sociologist Darnell Jeter has seen situations like this before.
“People tend to assume others’ professions or hobbies based on their band shirts,” Jeter explained. “I recently conducted a case study in which a crowd assumed a man in a Carcass shirt would be able to perform an emergency appendectomy on someone. Not to mention the endless invitations to go skateboarding that people receive when they wear Goldfinger shirts. It’s easy for us to jump to conclusions when we see other people wearing band merch, but it’s probably best for us to adhere to Occam’s Razor and take people’s shirts as nothing more than an indication that they are fans of that particular band.”
At press time, Washburn was seen explaining to a friend that the stain on his Motörhead shirt was dressing from an Italian hoagie and not, in fact, motor oil.