CHARLESTON, S.C. — Staunch conservative Darryl Higgins was seen at a local restaurant after attending church struggling to explain to his wife that the Grindr app on his phone was merely something for looking up power tool information and had nothing to do with hooking up with other men, witnesses confirmed.
“Whatever sound you thought you heard in church this morning, babe, you’ve got this all wrong. Grindr for finding power tools like grinders, get it? You know how these apps are with their kooky spelling! I’m just using it for a secret project for a new giant American flag pole in the yard. I swear I’m just using it for getting drilled — I mean drills,” said Higgins. “I don’t know nothing about any gay sex app! That stuff I was messaging about power bottoms, I just meant those heavy duty batteries. You know me, I’m like the straightest guy of all time.The only shafts I work on are hot rods and not our son’s Sunday school teacher, Rod.”
Higgins’ wife wanted to believe him, but remained highly skeptical.
“I almost believed him when he blamed Darryl Jr. for the all those ‘9 inch poles’ searches on the family computer, but I’m not fucking stupid. Six other women in my Moms for Liberty chapter told me they caught their husbands on some gay dating app that sounded suspiciously like the one Darryl has,” said Mary Higgins. “I’m giving him five more minutes to explain why someone on the app would be reaching out to him about bringing lube and protection, and I’m pretty sure it’s not for his eyes.”
Grindr reps admitted they field inquiries from suspicious spouses on a daily basis.
“Our inbox is like an avalanche from clueless wives after their husbands return from the Republican National Convention to unannounced fishing trips with ‘some friends.’ It’s against policy to divulge private information, but you have no idea how many times I just want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these idiots,” said customer service rep Kevin Sheffield. “So no, Grindr isn’t for bespoke salt shakers, it’s not for finding old grain mills, and it’s definitely not for angle grinders. Are these people in denial or just that oblivious?”
As of press time, Darryl Higgins was seen outside in the parking lot desperately trying to explain to his wife why “Home Depot” was calling him about an upcoming orgy.
