PALM BEACH, Fla. — Florida man Buck Swanson, who some have dubbed Republican Jesus, astonished the guests at his cousin’s MAGA-themed wedding recently by transforming several squirt guns into fully functioning AR-15 assault rifles, confirmed sources.
“My cousin Billy had just gotten hitched and wanted to celebrate with me and the boys by gettin’ drunk and shootin’ gators down at the swamp,” said Swanson. “The problem was, only one of us thought to bring a gun to the wedding. Then I remembered I had a bunch of old Super Soakers in the back of my pickup. I managed to save a tailgate party the week before by turning a single pack of hot dogs into enough food to feed an entire parking lot, so I figured turning a few squirt guns into semiautomatic rifles should be a piece of cake. And it was!”
Word of this so-called “miracle” has led conservative Christians across the Sunshine State to abandon their churches and anoint Swanson the true messiah.
“Dude, Republican Jesus is the shit!” said self-appointed apostle Joe “Dirt” Nelson. “Not only did he turn those squirtguns into AR-15s but he cured Bobby Jo’s herpes! He was the one that gave it to her in the first place, but still. One time we went down to one of them gun buybacks, and Buck started flippin’ over tables and shit to own the libs! I’d like to see commie Jesus with the long hair and goatee do that!”
Several church leaders, however, remain unconvinced that Swanson is the real deal and warn of the dangers of worshipping a false idol.
“This so-called Republican Jesus is an emissary of Satan sent to lure good men away from God and into the fiery bowels of hell,” said Father Martin, a priest from The Bleeding Womb of Mary church. “There is only one Messiah, and he doesn’t walk around in jorts and American Flag flip-flops, I can tell you that. He’s more of a Teva man.”
At press time, Swanson was seen running in the opposite direction of an active shooter situation at a local Wal-Mart despite being armed with one of his signature AR-15s.
