Man Displays Heroic Levels of Mental Fortitude by Enjoying Dropkick Murphys Completely Sober

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LOWELL, Mass. — Sober punk Michael McDuff impressed music fans and mental health professionals alike with his ability to listen to Celtic punk band Dropkick Murphys without the use of alcohol, several kilted sources report.

“I was sitting on the bus on my way to my weekly AA meeting, and the Dropkick Murphys song ‘Kiss Me, I’m Shitfaced’ popped up on my Spotify. I only used to listen to them when I was 12 beers deep, so I decided to give it a shot,” McDuff explained, adding that it was a bit of a struggle at first. “After that ended, ‘Warriors Code’ came on and I thought to myself, ‘Hey, I think I can do this!’ Now all these neuroscientists, Tibetan Monks, and trainers of famous athletes have been hitting me up, begging to know my secret. Really, all you have to do is trick your brain to tune out the bagpipes. It’s easier than it sounds.”

Bassist and singer of Dropkick Murphys Ken Casey reminded fans that this is not how his band is intended to be consumed.

“What this guy’s doing is basically playing chicken with his sanity,” Casey explained. “We make it very clear that our music isn’t intended to be listened to for extended periods of time while sober. In fact, every record since ‘Sing Loud, Sing Proud’ has had a clear ‘WARNING: NOT TO BE ENJOYED WITHOUT BEING FULLY-COCKED’ sticker on the cover. It’s been required by law since that one guy went postal after hearing ‘Wild Rover’ with no booze in his system.”

Celtic punk legend Mic “Micky” McDougle revealed other stories of brave souls who have tried to listen to the genre sober.

“Some of the biggest music-related hazards involve the Celtic punk genre and listening with a dangerously low blood-alcohol level,” McDougle said while adjusting his scaly cap and asking how many Guinnesses he’s allowed to order at once for himself at a local pub. “Once there was this poor sap who accidentally listened to the Pogues’ ‘Fairytale of New York’ in the middle of July, with no alcohol in him, and ended up in a coma for 8 months. You always want to be hammered while listening to this genre, just to be safe.”

At press time, McDuff further tested his mental strength by making it through an entire Tool album without the help of drugs or psychedelics.

Spotify Fires CFO After Video Surfaces of Him Giving Dollar to Busker

Posted on by Tim Graham

NEW YORK — Spotify dismissed CFO Paul Vogel when a video of him dropping a dollar into a subway busker’s guitar case came to light, according to aghast sources within the streaming giant’s offices.

“Our executives are ambassadors of our brand,” said Spotify CEO Daniel Ek. “How does it look when a high-level member of our team is going around paying hundreds of cents to artists. Our shareholders don’t want to see that kind of precedent being set. We pay three-thousandths of a dollar per stream, and there’s Vogel giving a full dollar to a filthy busker? He said he listened to about two and a half songs—that works out to forty cents per song, which is a patently obscene figure.”

Vogel didn’t think he was doing anything wrong at the time, but now admits it was a terrible lapse in judgment.

“I was waiting on the subway platform, and a young woman was playing guitar nearby,” said Vogel, ugly-crying on a park bench. “I saw other people toss some money into her open guitar case, and I did the same without really thinking about it. She just gave a little nod to acknowledge my donation, which struck me as ungrateful. Didn’t she understand how much money I was giving her per song? I got on my train and forgot about the incident until Ek called me into his office and showed me that my transgression had been filmed and put on Tiktok.”

Business Insider editor Gavin Huntington says that with the proliferation of smartphones, employees must always assume they’re being filmed and should behave accordingly.

“It’s unbelievable that an employee at a prestigious company like Spotify would behave in a way that is so flagrantly antithetical to their employer’s mission,” said Huntington. “These sorts of blunders do happen from time to time, though. Recently, a VP at Shell was fired after he admitted to using a solar-powered lantern on a camping trip. The company said they would’ve gladly given him a Shell-branded oil lantern if he needed a light source. Shell was left having to do damage control to explain why one of their own was using the sun as a power source.”

At press time, Spotify announced it would be providing its employees with slivers of pennies to carry should any of them ever feel the urge to give money to a street musician.

Neglected Acoustic Guitar Plays Itself to Sleep at Night

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

PEEKSKILL, N.Y. — A neglected acoustic guitar belonging to local man Phil Everett reportedly plays itself to sleep each night in an effort to escape the despair and loneliness of its forsaken existence, sources confirmed.

“I haven’t been able to get any sleep these last few weeks,” said Everett, his eyes wide and haunted. “It started late last month in the early morning. I was fast asleep when I heard a guitar playing faintly in the distance. At first, I thought it was one of my neighbors but I soon realized the music was coming from inside my apartment. It was ‘Hurt’ by Johnny Cash, played plaintively, almost pained. It didn’t take me long to realize that it was my long-abandoned Yamaha F335 acoustic guitar, the one my parents got me for Christmas in 2004, playing itself. I will never be the same after being confronted like this.”

Amelia Snyder, a customer service representative for the musical instrument retailer Sweetwater, says she fields calls about possessed instruments on a regular basis.

“We have an entire department dedicated to dealing with possessed instruments,” said Snyder. “Recently, I received a call from a frustrated man who didn’t know what to do with the harmonica he purchased (and then neglected) at the height of the indie folk bubble of the early 2010s. Apparently, the ignored instrument had begun playing the harmonica part of ‘Piano Man’ in the middle of the night. I told him the only way to return order to the instrument was to play it, which he did. Shortly thereafter, the ghostly playing stopped.”

Avery Hill, a medium and expert on possession, says this kind of phenomenon exists because each instrument contains the soul of a deceased child yearning to be loved and cared for once again, which is kind of a reach, to be honest.

“When untimely death visits a child, and that child casts away its corporeal form and passes on to the afterlife, its soul takes refuge in musical instruments. Music is deeply ingrained in humans and that is especially true for our littlest ones,” said Hill while counting a fat stack of cash she made at an occult fair this weekend. “By entering a musical instrument, the soul of the child seeks to exist in a state of freedom and play. But when the possessor of an instrument refuses to play music with it, the soul and thus the instrument grow restless. Eventually, this leads to the melancholic self-playing of the abandoned instrument.”

At press time, Everett’s childhood glockenspiel was playing a haunting rendition of “The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel.

Help! My Partner Comments on Social Media Posts From Our Local News Station

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

It wasn’t always like this. They were barely on social media. It began slowly, like all terror: just the occasional comment on a tragic news story. Sometimes with a .gif. Behavior I’d associate with a kind boomer relative or elderly neighbor.

Then, the emojis began. Prayer emojis. Heart emojis. And worst of all: a cringe joke followed by a laughing emoji. It got worse with celebrity deaths. Sentences became paragraphs, and then essays, proclaiming their fondness for the deceased star as though the celebrity could personally read the tribute.

Then we entered the “hot takes” era. I could feel their adrenaline boost whenever a “topical joke” received likes. It became juvenile, name-calling city council members or quoting Family Guy. I began coming home to a stranger, alone on the couch in the dark, lit only by their phone. “What are you doing?” I’d ask. Without looking up, they would reply “Tagging corporations and demanding they ‘Do better.’”

They have become super into “free speech,” in that particularly exhausting way. Too many rhetorical questions, too many spelling errors, and worst of all, too many online fights. Somehow, taunting strangers in the comments section has become their full-time job. It has infested their mind, seeping into the person I loved like a rot or a poison. Endlessly going back and forth, always having to have the last word, blocking so many strangers.

They’re back on Facebook, unfortunately. When I ask why, they reply, “I can’t let these snowflakes control the discourse!” We’ve had to move apartments twice from all the doxxing.

Their profile picture is now a selfie in a baseball cap with Oakley wraparound sunglasses and an American flag in the background. Their comments have taken a hallucinatory, conspiratorial turn. Complaints begin about liberal sex rings under the local public skatepark. Calls for vigilante justice against undercover Antifa geese. They don’t believe the news anymore, blaming the “lying media.” All of the local stations have blocked them, even community bulletin boards.

They’ve opted for boutique far-right “free speech” social media platforms, where they are allowed to shitpost about the “crooked media” all day. My once-loving partner is morphing into a troll that I have to warn people about. The final nail in the coffin was when they began using Clint Eastwood photos in memes with misattributed quotes.

Good news on the horizon: they’re currently distracted, busy creating their own social media site. Only problem is that they are mad about people being mean in the comments section.

Local Man Unaware He Is Vulnerable Teenager’s Father Figure

Posted on by Ellie Fitzpatrick

DETROIT — Troubled teen Liam Coogan, 15, reportedly latched onto clueless middle-aged scene regular Craig Thompson as a father figure, slightly mortified sources confirm.

“I think he sees his younger self in me,” said Coogan, while smoking his second cigarette within ten minutes. “I mean, my dad walked out on us when I was four, so growing up I didn’t have that kind of male role model. But, y’know, punk is family, right, so pretty soon after I joined the scene, here’s Craig, full of hardened wisdom, life advice, and willing to buy booze for teens. Last week he told me all these stories about what the scene was like in the ‘90s. His band even opened up for Integrity once. I mean, he’s never said ‘I love you’ or anything like that. We don’t have that kind of relationship, it’s kind of a quiet, mutual respect. I think he’s really starting to see me as his equal. Craig’s just really taught me a lot about what it means to be a man, y’know?”

When reached out for comment on this beautiful example of scene unity and mutual care, Thompson responded effusively.

“Oh, yeah, Leon?” said Thompson, while picking stale gum off a nearby pole. “Yeah, cool kid, really great. Little clingy. He keeps giving me ties and asking me if I want to go fishing. He got arrested last week and used me as his one phone call. He was crying, asking me if I was mad at him- shit, man, I got nervous and I hung up before my boss saw me on my phone.”

Child psychologist Dana Hargrove weighed in with the troubling fact that Coogan’s case is far from unusual.

“In today’s world, teenage boys are starved for healthy male role models, so they tend to take what they can get,” said Hargrove. “Cool English teachers, down-to-earth YouTubers, the weird grown man that hangs out at high school parties and buys teenagers cigarettes-really, any readily available man over the age of 35 is a possible one-sided surrogate father figure.”

“Also, Craig’s band almost certainly never opened for Integrity,” she adds. “I’ve seen his band play, they fucking suck.”

At press time, Coogan is reportedly thrilled his weeks of subtly suggesting a game of catch have paid off, as Thompson is going to teach him how to throw Molotov cocktails.

Punk Explains Benefits of Green Energy While Tossing Cigarette Butt From Car Window

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. — Local eco-punk Teddy Vasquez recently explained the benefits of green energy to a carload of friends while tossing half-a-dozen cigarette butts out the window, confused sources report.

“I’ve done a lot of research online, and green energy is the only way to save the planet,” relayed Vasquez as every light in his empty house remained on. “The majority of waste comes from multinational corporations, not individuals, so any ‘green’ habits I form would be a complete waste of time. That, and recycling is a myth. Plus, a single Starbucks location wastes more water in one week than its surrounding neighborhood does in months. Speaking of coffee, can I get a sip of somebody’s? I left my extra-large styrofoam coffee cup on the roof of the car and it flew into that duck pond a few miles back.”

Vasquez’s friend Becky Rafael says green energy is the latest in a line of issues Vasquez has taken up.

“It’s always something with Teddy,” claimed Rafael while unfriending Vasquez on Facebook. “He used to complain that I kept my house too warm, and then would open all the windows because it was too cold for him to smoke outside. Another time he had the audacity to ask me for a ride and give me shit for not driving an electric car. Those things are so expensive. Teddy’s a trust fund kid who doesn’t realize how much it actually costs to be environmentally friendly.”

Environmental activist Greta Thunburg says Vasquez’s shtick is common.

“Environmentalism is 99% performative,” declared Thunburg as she triggered grown men twice her age simply by existing. “Furthermore, the internet isn’t free, environmentally speaking. Every Google search is equivalent to leaving a light on for five minutes, and the carbon generated by eco-friendly research eclipses the airline industry in terms of outright pollution. So there’s that. Also, why are we forced to drink from those terrible paper straws when every drink still comes with a plastic lid? That’s modern environmentalism in a nutshell, I suppose.”

At press time, Vasquez was seen boarding his family’s private jet to fly to an environmentally friendly pop-up store halfway around the world.

 

Bassist Only in Band Because of Sam’s Club Membership

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

DENTON, Texas — Members of the local emo band Bike Seat revealed a Sam’s Club membership is the only reason why their longtime bassist has remained in the band, multiple sympathetic sources confirmed.

“Look, Freddy (Walthers) sucks. We’ve only made it this far as a band because I deleted his tracks and re-recorded his parts in the studio. We even used to set his amps down to zero when we’re on stage, but apparently he’s got enough brain cells to turn a volume knob so now we just unplug him when he’s not looking,” said lead guitarist Dakota Larrson. “He has zero redeeming qualities, zero potential for growth as a human, and zero musical talent. Who the fuck let him have a Sam’s Club membership? God damn it, this hotdog combo is pulling a lot of weight for that loser.”

The oblivious bassist painted a different picture of his relationship with the rest of the band.

“Oh yeah, we’re great pals. After I get done volunteering at the children’s hospital, I round everyone up and we head over to Sam’s. It’s the highlight of my week, watching them fill up carts with barrels of cheese balls and boxes of stroopwafel,” said Walthers while bottle-feeding an abandoned raccoon he rescued. “Actually, I wasn’t too sure about joining the band at first, but the guys really wanted me so I caved in. Truth be told, I’ve actually had to stop mentoring some troubled kids in my neighborhood to free up some time for bass lessons. I really want to surprise the guys, I always feel like I’m letting them down.”

Leadership at Sam’s Club headquarters noticed a similar trend across the United States.

“We see it so often, this phenomenon where some sucker with a membership is taken advantage of by much smarter people. It’s like a parasitic relationship, where the host wastes multiple hours of their lives and the parasite is like a kid at a candy store,” said store manager Nicoletta Thomas. “It’s kinda sad to see it play out in real life but apparently, it’s good for business. New company policy is to deny memberships to cool people with friends and jack up prices for sad, lonely, pathetic losers who are desperate enough to pay some outrageous amount for their friends to like them.”

At press time, Bike Seat announced they’re looking for a new keyboard player with a Costco membership ahead of a West Coast tour.

Opinion: Losing My Life Savings Was Totally Worth the Blue Öyster Cult Tribute Show Tickets the Casino Comped Me

Posted on by Chris Bowen

I’ll admit, gambling isn’t easy. And take it from me, the guy who spent every cent he had feeding a penny slot machine for 14 days straight. But be that as it may, the biggest problem I have is an insatiable lust for rock n’ roll.

Luckily for me, my awful, almost cartoonishly terrible luck is what led me to discover the East Coast’s best-kept rock n’ roll secret. Premier Blue Öyster Cult tribute band, Burnin’ Fear. And I owe it all to the good people who run and operate Deep Lakes Gaming Resort and Casino and their unheralded generosity.

It was a typical Sunday morning. I managed to scrounge up a couple bucks for a breakfast Bloody Mary, then I headed down to the game floor at “Lakes” for a duel with the ol’ one-armed bandit. As I reached for my wallet, it suddenly occurred to me that in a drunken haze the night before, I must have misplaced all my money, so I went to the customer service counter to see if anyone had returned my lost money.

After the woman behind the glass asked me nicely to calm down and to stop crying hysterically, that’s when this angel of rock n’ roll offered me a standing-room-only ticket to who was to become the best BÖC tribute act I’d ever seen…..On. The. House.

Needless to say, I took her up on her offer.

And so I wandered around the casino floor until the show’s 4 p.m. start time and when it finally came, this Öysterhead was in heaven. Hearing them start out rocking “Godzilla” made me forget all about having to explain to my wife and children that I’ve lost it all again, and that I will probably never change. None of that mattered, because at that moment, that casino was on Flames (With Rock n’ Roll).

A really funny moment happened when they finished playing “Don’t Fear the Reaper” too. As soon as it got quiet, I hit them with the “more cowbell!” line to end all “more cowbell” lines. It was hilarious, even though I had to explain the joke to the couple next to me, it made me forget all about how the fuck was I going to afford a cab home after the show.

This all just goes to show you that there are good people and establishments out there who care about their patrons. It seemed like everyone I spoke to at that gig had free tickets given to them by the staff. I just hope the security guard who escorted me off the premises for sleeping in the buffet area lets me enjoy next week’s Van Halen tribute concert.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Avoid the Onslaught of Christmas Music

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another Holiday season is well underway. While the world burns down around us, you’re probably scrambling to get gifts for people as the steady churn of capitalism continues unabated. By now, every single public place you enter is likely playing the same ten or so Christmas songs non-stop at a deafening volume. The bells and saccharine messages of joy are slowly eating away at your already diminished brain cells. It’s natural to want an escape.

Fortunately, artists are still making and releasing timeless songs that don’t feature sentient snowmen or radioactive reindeer. Here are a few you can put on as you drive to, like, ten different places to find a super specific gift before eventually giving up and ordering it on Amazon like a heartless, soulless monster.

Adrianne Lenker “Ruined”

Few things are certain in this life: Death, taxes, and the indisputable fact that Adrianne Lenker is not of this mortal world. Including her work with Big Thief, Lenker has released ten albums worth of material in just under eight years’ time. Any ordinary person in her position would be forgiven for taking at least a year off, but Lenker is far from ordinary. Her new single “Ruined” – from her yet-to-be-announced fifth solo album – is a haunting washed out and piano-driven ode to a fresh love, though – in typical Lenker fashion – the themes feel more cosmic on the outset. Perhaps if you could pen a song this masterful, your ex would finally take you back.

TWRP “Ladybug”

Ignore your seasonal depression and mounting problems for a couple of minutes, it’s time to fucking dance. At least that’s what our Managing Editor keeps screaming to her in-office mirror while blasting TWRP’s latest foray into future-pop ad-nauseam. She’s not wrong to do so, either. Between the infectious slap-bass, bitchin’ guitar solos, and melty vocoder vocals, hearing this song upwards of twenty times a day is the closest many of our writers have come to unabashed happiness in months.

IDLES “Grace”

The latest single from UK’s genre-defying quintet IDLES has arrived, bearing quite the influence from previous tourmates LCD Soundsystem. ‘Grace’ sees the band carrying on the pop experimentation that flooded their last LP ‘Crawler’ but with markedly more satisfying results. Crooning atop a droning drum machine loop, with swirling synths and phasers that wouldn’t sound out of place on even the most monumental early 2000s dance-punk album, it bites at nostalgia as it paves a sonic way forward for the band’s ever-changing sound.

Laura Jane Grace “Cuffing Season”

Laura Jane Grace’s latest offering ‘Hole In My Head’ isn’t due out for another two months and change. Based on your insatiable impatience, that may as well be ten years from now. Not to worry! Grace has released yet another single, ‘Cuffing Season,’ to help tide you over. Much like the first single ‘Dysphoria Hoodie,’ the track finds Grace proving how intensely she can perform without a roaring backup band punctuating her bombastic vocal delivery. While we’re champing at the bit to hear more of her drumming skills, this one still has us yearning for the pit.

Joanna Sternberg “Without You”

As if their recent album ‘I’ve Got Me’ wasn’t enough to bowl everyone over into a cathartic state of melancholy bliss, Joanna Sternberg has been steadily releasing new singles. Their most recent, “Without You,” is a sweetly satisfying jazz romp complete with Sternberg’s excellent lyricism and penchant for melody. There’s even scatting! It’s such a joyous track that you probably won’t even notice it’s about the dangers of codependent relationships until well into the fifth play-through.

Sweet Pill “Chewed Up”

You now have a new favorite emo band and it’s Sweet Pill. After making waves with last year’s fantastic debut, ‘Where the Heart Is,’ the band is continuing to expand their already massive sound. Their most recent single, ‘Chewed Up,’ is a journey through nearly every hidden corner of the emo genre at large, starting off intensely and mathy before breaking down into a dreamy half-time blissfest. Each twist and turn is bolstered by Zayna Youssef’s powerhouse vocal delivery. Try not to sing along too loud to this one in the car, that’s no place to pass out.

The Killers “Spirit”

The Killers just released a Greatest Hits album, coming as a shock to all who read the plural form of the word ‘Hit.’ It’s a pretty stunning display of power-pop triumph and also includes a brand-new song. If our ears don’t receive us, ‘Spirit’ sounds like it could have been plucked from the same sessions as ‘Hot Fuss.’ It’s a suitable addition seeing as that album might as well have been repackaged as the retrospective hits collection if we’re being honest with ourselves. Before you ask: Yes, we’ve heard ‘Sam’s Town.’ Everybody knows that album was more about vibes than it was about hits, you moron.

Bright Eyes “Christmas In Prison” (John Prine Cover)

Look, we know we’re helping you avoid Christmas songs, but this one barely counts. There’s nothing quite as sad as a holiday-themed Bright Eyes track, which makes it no surprise that Conor Oberst has managed to make a jovial John Prine tune about incarcerated yuletide sound more somber than a funeral dirge. That’s not to say it’s bad, in fact far from it. It’s an incredibly touching effort, but let’s just say the addition of John Prine’s actual monologue from the track was a wise choice and a much-needed lift here.

Just in case these eight songs weren’t enough to soothe your Bing Crosby-induced white-hot rage, we’ve compiled these and a whole bunch of others in an ever-growing playlist. It’s updated weekly, or whenever we feel like it, so you’ll never run out of new music to bitch about. Click here to save and listen. If we get to 100 likes we might start putting good songs on it for a change!

Biden Promises Nation They’re Just One Military Base on Foreign Soil Away From World Peace

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — President Biden revealed that the United States reached a new milestone in global dominance and is just one military base on foreign soil away from world peace and stability, exhausted Americans confirmed.

“My fellow Americans, after consulting with our top military advisors I am happy to announce that we just need one more potential forward operating base in Southeast Asia to keep our enemies in check permanently. I know you’re all upset about the endless, unchecked deluge of taxpayer dollars into our military budget but seriously gang, but it’s all led to this moment,” said the 46th president. “Just this last one, plus a couple of hundred missiles capable of landing in North Korea or Iran, but that’s all I swear. And if all goes well, I promise to look into taxing the one percent and all that other crap you’ve been breaking my balls about.”

Foreign diplomats around the globe immediately admonished Biden’s plan.

“I sure as shit hope they don’t put another one in Asia. Every time America establishes itself in the region it usually means more violent rednecks who think they’re on some exotic vacation. Sure they’ll build a base here, and then once they fire off a rocket or 10 at whoever is pissing them off this week, they’re going to want another outpost even closer to some other natural resources,” said Philippines Ambassador Joan Moreno. “If Biden was serious about protecting the world, he should approve a few more bases inside the USA. Rumor has it there’s a bunch of terrorists sitting on a huge oil supply in Texas.”

International policy experts were not remotely surprised that Biden was continuing the long history of military overreach.

“Imagine your landlord won’t stop buying snakes and he lets them roam the building, bite the shit out of everyone, and they hiss non-stop but he swears the mouse problem that he created will be fixed if he gets one more snake. And you let him because he has a snake army that is fully funded by his tenants, and he might be right this time. That’s the United States in a nutshell,” said Ramona Klein. “At this rate, the only place left without military personnel is Antarctica, so look out for Biden to declare war on some hostile penguins.”

This morning, Biden sheepishly asked Congress for a few extra bucks to keep 20 fighter jets in a hangar indefinitely, just in case.