PHILADELPHIA — Local Punk, Sid Stott, announced his plans to improve his health and well-being by smoking healthier cigarettes in the New Yea, skeptical sources confirmed.
“I know it’s not really ‘punk’ to have New Year’s resolutions, but fuck that, this year is going to be different. I’m getting healthy. Once January 1st rolls around, it’s only organic, additive-free cigs for me,” said Stott, alternatingly pressing a cigarette and Steel Reserve tallboy to his lips. “I realized I’m getting older and that I need to make some major lifestyle changes if I’m going to stick around for the long haul. Like, I can’t believe it but my sister’s kid is about to turn 12! Who is going to give her tips on running from the cops or stealing from Target if I’m not around? My poser brother Mick? Ha! Yeah right.”
“Look, my grandfather on my mom’s side smoked Marlboro Menthol Gold 100’s like it was his job and he died at 57,” added Stott. “My other grandfather, on my dad’s side, is still kicking at 85 and he smokes a pack of American Spirits a day. I’m not like a fucking scientist or whatever but it’s obvious why one is still around.”
Stott’s long-time girlfriend, Iris Claude, says he’s excellent about making New Year’s resolutions and sticking to them.
“It is by far the most normie thing about him,” said Claude. “Last year, Sid said he was going to stop shoplifting from CVS and he fucking stopped. Dude just went cold turkey. He still steals candy from Walgreens on occasion but he stuck to the CVS thing. The year before that Sid said he was going to be nicer to the bassist in his band, Mike, and he was! He only threw one beer bottle full of piss at him that whole year.”
Surgeon General of the United States, Vivek Murthy, says there is no such thing as a “healthier cigarette” and that the healthiest choice was to quit smoking completely.
“Many Americans choose to make New Year’s resolutions this time of year and many will reconsider their relationship to tobacco,” said Murthy. “I want to be blunt: the idea that ‘organic’ cigarettes are healthy is a dangerous myth. No cigarette use is healthy. Cigarette use is tied to a myriad of diseases including cancer, emphysema, and heart disease. But come to think of it, death by those diseases is probably preferable to being caught vaping! At least people look cool smoking cigarettes.”
At press time, Stott was planning on smoking his last carton of Newports in one last New Year’s Eve chain-smoking blowout.