Trump Administration Argues Economy Only Appears to Be Shrinking Due to Cold Weather

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — White House Economic Advisor Peter Navarro aggressively challenged a report detailing the country’s negative GDP growth during the first quarter of the year, arguing that the economy’s shrinkage was only because of the cold weather conditions, the Trump Administration confirmed.

“Now hold on a minute this is a complete misunderstanding, okay? I assure you our economic outlook isn’t this small, it just looks that way because it was super cold outside and Americans just didn’t want to be outside and just wanted to import a whole shitload of stuff and didn’t feel like buying any of it. Global warming my ass. Who told the Bureau of Economic Analysis we were shrinking, those hypocrites China? Anyone would think it looks smaller than it is from a certain angle and the tariffs look bigger in comparison. Ask England, they’ll tell you how big our shit is,” Navarro told the White House press corp. “Nope, nothing to do with the President inciting a very necessary trade war, ICE arresting and harassing immigrants, or that international tourism is significantly down because we’re being boycotted across the globe. It’s simply a case of those frigid Midwest temperatures and unfounded rumors, which are definitely due to GDP envy. Trust me, once the Q2 results come in the world will see America is more of a grower than a shower. We’ll see who is pointing and laughing then!”

As of press time, Navarro was seen trying to calm President Trump down after someone at the Treasury Department wrote “America has a baby GDP” in a bathroom stall.

Guy Who Works Out to Prep for Apocalypse Really Hoping for Rowing-Centric New Order

Posted on by Alec Walker

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Local gym rat and self-proclaimed doomsday prepper Brock Crocker is really hoping that the next new world order will be rowing-centric, multiple sources confirmed.

“They laugh at me now, but when the world collapses, I’ll be ready, so long as it requires perfect catch, drive, finish, and recovery form,” said Crocker while doing a rowing motion in the air. “By my calculations, the global elite will force us into a worldwide flood by 2028. I don’t want to pay 50 bucks a month for a gym membership for that long though, so I bought a hummer and leave it running in my driveway to see if I can get that down to 2027. In the future, you’ll all be thankful that I can simulate rowing down a calm river for 45 consecutive minutes.”

Crocker’s personal trainer Lachlan Meyer weighed in on his apocalyptic predictions.

“I was totally on board with him using his worries about the world as an excuse to get in shape, but he lost me when he insisted I replace the rowing machine handles with guns so he could ‘get used to the grip,’” said Meyer, hanging two fully loaded glocks back up on the handle rack. “I just hope he comes to his senses and starts using the rowing machine simply as a form of masochism like the rest of us. He’s easily the second weirdest person I’ve ever trained, right behind RFK Jr., who leaned heavily on the elliptical machine because he was hoping for a cardio-based new order.”

Crocker’s favorite conspiracy theorist Lee Roberts from popular podcast “RowPODcalypse” got wind of the questionable gym routine.

“Rowing is going to have a lot of valid uses when civilization as we know it crumbles,” said Roberts. “Once the only valid form of currency in our post-apocalyptic world is strokes per minute, and the true measure of power and status becomes 1000m split time, you’ll all wish you had listened. Brock is a dutiful boy and I’m thankful that he’s spreading the message. At least he’s not using a treadmill. In the future, there just won’t be enough running room from all of our underground bunkers.”

At press time, Crocker’s wife was seen doing her own apocalypse prep by finally calling the number of that divorce lawyer she found.

Help! I Keep Trying To Set Tesla Dealerships on Fire but the Cars Keep Exploding on Their Own

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Like any aspiring anarchist, I want to do what I can to burn this entire rotten system to the ground and bring in a new age of self-governance without the interference of an oppressive capitalist state. Naturally, the best way to bring this reality about is by burning down my local Tesla dealership. One big problem though is that the damn cars keep exploding on their own before I have a single opportunity to get the whole thing going.

It’s been 11 times now that I’ve staked out a target, grabbed my Molotovs, and make my way over to the Tesla dealership. But wouldn’t you know it, every single time I try to go to one of these places, I’m greeted by the smouldering remains of what used to be a Tesla Dealership, which itself was located in what used to be a black community before being demolished to make a Tesla dealership. I had to keep checking in on my fellow anarchist groups to see if someone else got to it first. This is, of course, somewhat difficult to do because we only use carrier pigeons and old secret hobo code signs to communicate. But they all told me the same thing, it was like that when we got there.

Seriously, all of these Tesla explosions have me wondering if I should’ve just gone and become an engineer like my dad wanted. That way, I could’ve worked my way into all sorts of corporate settings in which I could then design inferior products that cause major damage to large corporations. Maybe the real lesson here is that I need to learn to play the long game, and one dealership fire only lasts a night.

All I know is that if Elon’s approach to government is anything like his approach to building cars then the system will collapse on its own. I’ll make sure to roast some CyberMarshmallows while that happens. Those are just regular marshmallows but cooked over the flames of a cyber truck. Given Elon’s love of stupid ideas and reframing failures as total wins, don’t be surprised if that’s what they release next.

Ira Glass Lookalike Contest Held at Yo La Tengo Concert

Posted on by Violet Meeker

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — An Ira Glass lookalike contest was held at a Yo La Tengo concert this week, confirmed sources who weren’t sure whether it was better to win or lose.

“Yo La Tengo fans have long been known to be mistaken for executive producers of NPR programming,” said Jayson Soderstrom, one of the contest organizers, on his way to help differentiate between a stack of IDs. “It doesn’t stop there, either. A lot of these people don’t just share physical similarities, but lifestyle choices as well. How many Planned Parenthood totes do you see? And whose girlfriend has the heaviest curtain bangs? In fact, whose girlfriend is whose? These competitions are happening at every show on tour, my team just had the vision to organize it.”

Concertgoer Brendan Rice was unaware of the contest but still felt like he might have a shot.

“I’ve been told I look like Ira Glass since I hit puberty,” Rice explained while changing his glasses for a backup pair he always keeps on him. “I’ve also always had a thing for smart blazers. I don’t take myself too seriously though, I like to rock a vintage tee underneath so I can put the people at ease. You know, now that I think of it, I’m like Ira in a lot of ways. I too have a non-fiction podcast where the episodes are separated into three acts, so I am more than qualified to win this thing.”

Unbeknownst to many, Glass himself stood among the crowd hoping for good fortunes.

“This is my third time trying to win this contest. Best I got was seventh place,” said Glass. “But I don’t have a chance at winning this thing this time around. After all, we’re in Brooklyn. Everyone looks like they host ‘This American Life.’ Even if I told someone who I was, nobody would believe me, let alone get excited. I’ll let them do their thing. And what will I do? I’ll probably start planning a think-piece on self reflection in rock and roll. Tune in!”

At press time, Ira Kaplan of Yo La Tengo was crowned Ira Glass’ lookalike as NPR pins rained down on the audience.

Starbucks Sets Cafe Ambience With Worst Cover of “Dreams” You’ve Ever Heard

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Local woman Wendy Sachs felt “incredibly lucky” to hear the worst cover of Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams” ever written by a human in her neighborhood Starbucks, confirmed sources who went to Dunkin’ Donuts instead.

“I was enjoying the weird aftertaste of my venti iced coffee when the cafe music changed from the ‘Wicked’ soundtrack to a cover of ‘Dreams’ so bad that I momentarily forgot my mother’s face,” said Sachs. “Imagine if Starbucks gathered a small group of white rappers and 2010s indie folk musicians to hold down Lindsay Buckingham while he poured molten copper down Stevie Nicks’s throat. Actually, that’s too generous. Thirty seconds listening to this cover shattered one of my vertebrae. Two minutes in and I had a vision of the future where my son asked me why we don’t see the stars at night anymore. I don’t actually think the song ever ended; I’m just in hell.”

Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol said the updated cafe playlist is part of the company’s new initiative to discourage loitering customers.

“We’ve worked with an array of talented artists to create covers of classic rock songs bad enough to disrupt the human soul. That’s right; God and souls are real and they can be harmed,” said Niccol at an investor conference. “As a company it’s important to look at the sustainability of our business practices and ask tough questions. Questions like who are our customers? Can we audially disintegrate them? Starbucks is a company committed to busting unions, but I believe there’s an opportunity to mentally and even physically harm our clientele as well. We’ve got a long road ahead, but I firmly believe that the road forward for this company is paved with the blood of anyone who stays longer than five minutes.”

Indie folk artist Sven Svenson explained that it takes a lot of work to do an injustice to a beloved song.

“My process always starts by listening to the song multiple times, usually while slowly shaving off all my body hair,” said Svenson. “Then I take the vocals off a Bon Iver track and add every effect in pro-tools at maximum setting. Once that’s set I just mumble the vocal melody of the song I’m covering over the backing track and call it a day. The best part is that this is the only way to make a living as a musician now.”

At press time, Niccol announced that anyone who doesn’t have the Starbucks app is “next.”

Quiz: Are These Led Zeppelin Lyrics About Lord of the Rings or Fucking?

Posted on by Tim Sheard

We’re big classic rock fans here at the Hard Times, so it naturally follows that we love genre stalwarts Led Zeppelin. From the trailblazing drumwork of John Bonham to the often insufferable crooning of Robert Plant, we can’t get enough of the band our dads think is the epitome of all music made in the last century. As such, we thought we’d have a little fun with this article and present you with a quiz concerning the only two subjects Led Zeppelin’s music ever covered.

You may be a fan yourself, but do you know them enough to excel in our little quiz? Give it a shot, and see if you can discern whether the following lyrics are about Lord of the Rings or fucking!

Question: “Hey baby, oh baby, pretty baby, move me while you do me now” – from “Black Dog” (Led Zeppelin IV, 1971)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

If you guessed “fucking”, you were way off! This excerpt from the hottest song on every Boomer’s Facebook feed was unquestionably written as a clear personification of the Ring and its allure to the Hobbits as they flee the Nazgûl by cutting through the Old Forest at the beginning of “The Fellowship of the Ring.” It’s actually kind of upsetting that you would infer a sexual connotation from Frodo and his pals narrowly avoiding death as they escape invisible wraiths. Maybe you should talk to someone about that?

Question: Way, way down inside, I’m gonna give you my love, I’m gonna give you every inch of my love” – from “Whole Lotta Love” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

You said “fucking” again, didn’t you? What the hell is wrong with you? It’s well-known that this lyric explores the deep fraternal love that Sam feels for Frodo as he rescues him from the tower of Cirith Ungol after having believed him dead from Shelob’s attack. This is a love that each of the two feels with every inch of his being. Sam thought his best friend was dead, for Christ’s sake. Can you get your mind out of the gutter for one measly second of your miserable, Onanism-centric existence to appreciate that? Ugh, on to the next one.

Question: “The way you squeeze my lemon, I’m gonna fall right outta bed” – from “The Lemon Song” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

It’s Lord of the Rings. It’s so clearly Lord of the Rings. “Fall right outta bed” refers to Gandalf falling into an abyss in the Mines of Moria after the gang is attacked by a Balrog. Luckily, Gandalf ultimately survives, and thank God for that, but the Hobbits didn’t know that at the time. Honestly, we’re starting to think you might be a hardcore deviant or something. Remember in the first question, when we suggested you talk to someone? It’s no longer a suggestion. We’re telling you that you need to stop taking this quiz and immediately see a psychotherapist.

Question: “Put on your night shirt and your morning gown, you know by night I’m gonna shake ‘em all down” – from “Custard Pie” (Physical Graffiti, 1975)

Answer: Lord of the Rings

Why are you even still here? You need to be getting help.

Question: “‘Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor I met a girl so fair, but Gollum and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her” – from “Ramble On” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)

Answer: Fucking

This is an obvious allusion to a common sexual position, and you must be some kind of puritan if you don’t recognize it. We won’t go into the details, and really, if you’re an adult, you should already be aware of them. Suffice it to say we were surprised when we saw such a bawdy lyric come from the usually Middle Earth-minded rockers, but it served as a good reminder that they’re not as much of a one-trick pony as the questions before this might’ve intimated.

Well, there you have it. How did you do? Sound off in the comments and let us know, and be sure to stick around for our upcoming lyrics quiz about Aerosmih’s 1989 hit “Love in an Elevator!”

Tool Announce “Lateralus Gold” Experience Where Fans Can Pay $10,000 to Massage All Four Band Members for a Day

Posted on by Tyler Roland

LOS ANGELES — Progressive metal band Tool recently announced the “Lateralus Gold” experience, which involves fans paying $10,000 to massage all four men in the band for a day, penniless sources confirmed.

“Yeah, we just wanted to give something back to our fans by allowing them to work the kinks out of our shoulders and massage our soft tissue areas,” said singer Maynard James Keenan as he finished tracking vocals on a demo for his primary project, Puscifer. “That’s right. Whoever buys this will definitely ascend, open their third eye, and become pneuma. Don’t worry, we’ll provide the massage table and oils. And hey, if you can’t afford this package, we also offer the ‘Lateralus Silver’ experience where fans can crack our backs after a set.”

Longtime fan B.J. Sampson could not be more excited, despite the fact that the experience does not include airfare, lodging, transportation, or anything else.

“Fuck yeah!” Sampson exclaimed as he used an electric toothbrush to dust off one of his several Tool posters. “I know they had it priced at $10,000, just like their supremely underrated album ‘10,000 Days.’ That was a lot for me, but totally worth it to drain the two college funds I had started for Jimmy and Hofmann, and sell my 2001 Pontiac Sunfire. Not to mention, a couple of family heirlooms. I can’t wait to get my hands all over their drummer to see if he really has eight limbs, like the octopus he is on the skins!”

Gene Simmons, Kiss bassist and perhaps music’s greatest con man, expressed his support for Tool and their offering of the “Lateralus Gold” package.

“Tool are a spectacular band, but an even more spectacular brand,” Simmons declared. “I see they’re rising to Kiss Kasket levels of profit. That ‘Tool In the Sand’ gimmick they just did was a nice start, but this is a different echelon. I wonder what they’ll do next. A Black & Decker Toolbox collaboration? A cruise? A ‘fetus in skull’ maquette? Oh wait, they already did that one.”

At press time, Tool guitarist Adam Jones was instructing Sampson to work his back in a rhythm corresponding to the Fibonacci sequence.

Arsonist Improves Cybertruck

Posted on by Doug Kolic

MODESTO, Calif. — A local arsonist who torched a brand new Cybertruck as it sat on the lot of a nearby Tesla dealership claims his crime should be overlooked because he provided a community service by improving its design, according to onlookers who couldn’t disagree.

“Yup, that was all me,” stated the masked man who did not want to be named. “I torched the fucker. Not because of any politically motivated reasons, just because it was the most hideous piece of junk that I’ve ever seen. Not only is it incredibly offensive to the human eye, it’s also so poorly made that a tiny child can literally rip pieces off of it with minimal effort. This kind of abomination deserves only one fate—to burn in the pits of hell from which it came.”

Bystander Craig Berger couldn’t be more impressed with the new design.

“I’m normally a big law and order guy, but in this case the artistic wonder created definitely should give the culprit a pass,” posited Berger. “I’ve never seen so much raw talent before. The way that arsonist was able to melt the weird pointy top into something more appealing was really a thing of beauty. I’m just a small town boy who’s never been outside of the USA, but I’d like to think what this guy created was on par with the great manmade wonders of the world like the pyramids or that Italian statue of the naked guy with his pecker out.”

University arts professor Yvonne Banham says oftentimes vandalism actually improves the original work.

“What we’re seeing in the US is a world-wide phenomenon,” said Banham. “Our first reaction when we see things being defaced is outrage, until we have some time to digest what has occurred. Then, oftentimes, we realize that perhaps the original piece of art as it was initially designed was sub par. I don’t have any opinion on the Cybertrucks per se, but I do know throwing some orange soup on the Mona Lisa sure improved the aesthetics by giving it some edge. Without it, that bitch was as basic as you could get.”

At press time, a few customers were already expressing interest in purchasing the newly designed trucks.

Lo-fi Masterpiece or Did I Just Forget to Export All the Audio Channels?

Posted on by Amity Gilmour

I’ve worked my entire life trying to break into this industry. Several years as a violinist, a stint with indie rock, and a regrettable six months spent at Shaffer Conservatory. Seven albums, fifteen singles, and a pirate radio station later, and I hadn’t seen a drop of success. Until earlier today, when I “uploaded” a “Lofi” track.

Half a million downloads for pleasant_beats_v12_final(2).mp3. Yes, that is the name of the Bandcamp listing. You’d think that’d shoot the SEO in the foot, but I’ve already gotten comments praising the originality of the name.

The problem? I didn’t even mean to do this.

I don’t know if it was a misclick or a solar flare flipping a bit on my motherboard, but I only exported three of the audio tracks. Some humming, a gentle knock on the table, and the sounds of me chopping up the vinyl of Taylor Swift’s Tortured Poets Department. Looped over an hour, and uploaded to Bandcamp purely by accident.

At first, I was horrified. I’d torn apart a creation I’d spent hundreds of hours on! Apparently, that was a waste of time. All I needed to do was loop three tracks, crackle the audio like some microwave popcorn, and stick an anime girl on the cover. Instant success. I left a recording of me kicking my desk in there, and someone commented how nostalgic it made them for their old office.

I haven’t had so much as a dozen downloads of my previous music. The only review I ever received was someone calling me a ‘tonal plebeian’ and bragging about how they were making $5,000 working from home, every single hour. But now I’m receiving praise for my “dedication to Schafer’s original definition” and “ensuring good grades for Gen Z”?

I don’t even like the genre.

Why would you intentionally make your music sound worse? It’s 2025. Your computer has the power to transform some muffled gas-station bathroom conversation into the cleanest, highest-fidelity track you’ve ever heard. And yet there are some twisted people who think that popping speakers makes for a sick beat.

Oh well. No getting around it now. Especially since my music is now being featured in YouTube Lofi compilations. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go and scratch up some vinyl for my next big hit.

Dead Punk’s Scattered Ashes Poison Entire Ecosystem

Posted on by Doug Kolic

OKLAHOMA CITY — Scientists announced that the ashes of a cremated punk were so toxic that it would likely poison the entire local ecosystem for generations, according to nearby sources gasping for breath.

“We knew that these types of individuals were infamously noxious, but we didn’t expect just how much of a negative impact their deceased bodies would have on everything around them,” stated a very concerned Dr. Jacoby Kinsley. “Normally when a person croaks and gets incinerated, their ashes pose no external threat, but what we witnessed with this one particular scumbag was a fallout worse than what happened after Chernobyl’s number four reactor exploded. And those people had a better chance of survival.”

Local resident Carly Leung described the impact that the poisoned ashes had on her family.

“One day we woke up and it looked like the apocalypse,” said Leung. “My prized vegetable garden suddenly shriveled up and turned a putrid black without any warning, then all of our livestock began foaming at mouth before committing mass suicide by jumping off the cliff. At first I thought there must have been a leak at the nearby sewage treatment plant, but then I heard on the news that some stupid punk had his burnt up leftovers tossed off the bridge and into the main river. I’m a devout Christian and I know he’s already dead, but I wish he was even deader.”

Keith Forge, a mortician with over 30 years of experience, weighed in with his thoughts.

“Most people don’t realize that a punk, in any form—whether solid, liquid, or gas—is one of the most dangerous elements known to man,” Forge explained. “Never scatter a punk’s ashes into the air. Instead, try to bury their remains as quickly as possible after they expire as deep down into the earth’s core as you can. Then pour all the cement you can find on top, before encasing it all in an airtight titanium chamber. Then pray that God exists. And if he does, hope he can protect you from the evil that you just messed with, because you’re very likely going to be cursed.”

At press time, the airborne particles of ash were reportedly seen raising the dead of a nearby graveyard.

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