Punk Can’t Decide if They Should Be the Kind of Punk That Knows a Lot About Government or Jack Shit

Posted on by Matthew Schneeman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Brian Meddleson, a 20-year-old who has recently gotten into punk music, is openly debating on whether he will be a ‘don’t give a shit’ type of punk or the ‘really gives a shit about everything’ kind, sources close to the man confirmed.

“I noticed that a lot of punk bands had political themes in their songs and it made me want to get involved and help make a change. I started learning what fascism was and its history, but then when I described what I was learning to people I sounded like an eighth-grade teacher trying to seem cool,” said Meddleson. “So that made me gravitate towards the punk music that was just about getting drunk, doing drugs, and shoplifting. But having to smoke cigarettes I found on the ground made me feel sick all the time, so I’m really struggling to find where I belong in the punk sphere.”

A friend of Meddleson’s described his flip-flopping of punk identity.

“It went from Brian saying kind of cool shit like how the system was rigged and how much money the government gave rich people to him researching the emancipation of the serfs,” said Jake Weller. “He sounded like a total nerd. He would go on and on about the government’s involvement in the drug trade and I felt like I needed to take notes for a test. Then the next week he would be so high from sniffing paint fumes he couldn’t remember his name and kept talking in a fake British accent, I sort of regret introducing him to punk, he was more tolerable when he was into ska.”

According to psychologist Susan Miller, Brian’s oscillation between identities is a recognizable pattern that occurs in communities that are critical of the mainstream.

“There’s no specific term but it’s basically an ‘all or nothing’ philosophy. You’ll see it in activist communities or with vegan subcultures,” said Miller. “You will have some vegans that insist on showing you terrible videos of pigs being slaughtered, or baby chicks being ground into a paste. The opposite end is the vegans who just do it for health reasons and couldn’t care less about animal suffering. They are similar on the surface, but very different at their core.”

At press time, Meddleson had already moved on from his punk phase and was found attending a DND marathon listening to Rhapsody and Dragon Force.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week To Avoid The Increasingly Horrifying State of the World

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Some say ‘music is life itself,’ and if they’re judging it by yours they are essentially saying ‘music is the most boring and depressing thing we’ve ever heard.’ Chances are that those who share the aforementioned sentiment have no idea your daily life consists of eating cereal for hours while watching reruns of “Metalocalypse” for the millionth time. It’s a great show, but come on, we’re worried about you.

Because we want you to feel things, grow as a person, and move on from the drab and dull environment you’ve cultivated for yourself, we’ve compiled nearly 20 minutes of new music for you. You probably need at least 30 minutes, but we know how awful your attention span has gotten. Anyway, here are six new songs you should load up immediately if you want your friends and loved ones to speak to you again.

CANDY “Love Like Snow (feat. MIRSY and mmph)”

The genre-defying and least Googleable band in America, CANDY, has been obliterating the often rigid boundaries of hardcore since their debut in 2017. Their latest single, ‘Love Like Snow,’ is an absolute insane ride that replaces standard heavy guitars and blast beats with speaker-breaking synths and EDM drums. The result is a chaotic and at times disturbing track that never lets up. Don’t let that scare you, though. You’ll be singing the hook for weeks.

Softcult “One of the Pack”

Toronto’s ‘riotgaze’ duo, Softcult, have been slowly releasing their new and highly anticipated EP ‘Heaven’ one track at a time. Their latest drop, ‘One of the Pack,’ is a beautifully fuzzed out trip that might make you think your headphones are melting. Before you go running to the Apple Store or wherever, listen again, then a few more times and invest that money into Hot Topic shares because mallgoth summer is coming.

Crumb “The Bug”

In just a little over two weeks, New York’s psych quartet, Crumb, will be releasing their third LP, ‘AMAMA.’ Fans of their uncanny ability to fuse nearly every genre known to man into fascinating indie-pop will be pleased to know the group is showing no signs of turning the freak dial down. This is clearly evidenced by their dizzying new single ‘The Bug.’ As you get lost in the flurry of excellent production and haunting melodies, you might feel like you’ve traveled miles in the span of three minutes. An impressive accomplishment considering your apartment is only 500 square feet.

Knocked Loose “Suffocate (feat. Poppy)”

A few members of our staff have been wondering why we’ve hidden all the cutlery in our office kitchen. The remaining few who were aware that Knocked Loose released another single, however, didn’t even question our motives. It’s scary enough that the hardcore quintet is releasing some of the heaviest and disgusting music we’ve heard in years, but it’s downright horrifying that their latest single ‘Suffocate’ features the one and only hardcore monster, Poppy. Excuse us, but we need to get back to boarding our windows.

G.B.I “The Regulator (Bad Brains cover)”

G.B.I, which stands for “Grohl, Benante, Ian,” is a one-off supergroup featuring – you guessed it – Dave Grohl alongside Anthrax’s Scott Ian and Charlie Benante. The trio recently got together via a chance meeting and tracked the Bad Brains classic ‘The Regulator’ in a mere two takes. Released as a 7” for Record Store Day, all proceeds from the limited press have been donated to HR of Bad Brain’s healthcare related to a rare headache disorder called SUNCT. And because the trio knows that you probably overslept and couldn’t get the vinyl, they have graciously put the cover up on streaming services as well.

Bad Moves “Let the Rats Inherit the Earth”

DC’s future power-pop legends, Bad Moves, are set to release their first album in four years, and they’ve shared what some are calling the ‘Flagpole Sitta’ of the 21st century. The swung beat and insanely catchy arrangement of ‘Let the Rats Inherit the Earth’ certainly earns the moniker, and lyrically fits the current hellscape we are faced with on a daily basis. If anyone can take such bleak subject matter and turn into the hit of the summer, it’s Bad Moves. The end of the world has never felt so dancey.

Don’t rush into this, but if you’re wanting to dip your toe into even more new music, consider checking out our ever-evolving and expertly curated playlist. You may want to consult with a doctor first though. Finally being up to date on these sorts of things can be a bit shocking to the system. Click here when you’re ready to listen and dazzle your friends if they ever willingly come to your apartment again.

We Sat Down With Our Dad Because We Were Feeling Too Good About Ourselves for a Second

Posted on by Malia Simon

This week at The Hard Times we were just starting to feel okay with who we are and where we’re at in our lives, and we wanted to put a stop to all that immediately before it got out of hand. To that end, we thought: who better to sit down with for a 20 minute interview than our dad? We didn’t come prepared with any questions because we figured he’d take the lead, and we were not mistaken.

The Hard Times: Hi Dad, it’s good to see you. 

Dad: Glad you could take time out of your “busy schedule” to see me. Ha-ha! That’s a joke. 

Are you saying we don’t do anything all day? 

Just joking. But yes. So, tell me what this is about. You’re still writing for The Hard Tribunal, I take it? 

Close enough. 

How great, but have you ever considered working for a magazine I’ve heard of, like Esquire or The New Yorker? Now those are good magazines. My old coworker Mark’s brother’s dogsitter used to answer phones in an office just two blocks from the New Yorker. I’ll ask her to drop off your resume. What was her name—Cheryl? Carol? 

The interview was paused for 3 minutes as Dad shuffled through various women’s names.

That’s alright, Dad. We’re good. 

You know, it’s okay to be lost and directionless in young adulthood.

We never said we were. 

…as long as you’re learning new skills, like training for a half-marathon. Mark’s son is training for a half-marathon. 

We’re not looking to run a half-marathon. 

Right, right, you love those cookies too much for that. Do you remember when you ate so many cookies at Aunt Jolene’s Christmas party that you had explosive diarrhea and made the whole family have to leave early? 

We didn’t until you mentioned it. 

I have to say, I’m getting the sense you might be annoyed at me for something. 

Well—

I’m really sorry you feel that way. I was just being honest. You can handle honesty, right? Choose wisely because there’s only one answer that will earn my respect here. 

Let’s just move on. 

The interview was paused again to endure 7 minutes of stifling silence.

So–

So–

What was that? 

No, you go. 

You know, gun violence is up by 20% in your city. 

Oh? 

Yes. 

Admittedly, we ran out the clock on the rest of the interview by just commenting on various items around the room and getting him on a rant about the heating system. But we left having achieved our goal of feeling completely emotionally drained and like a shell of what we were earlier this week. We later learned in a followup from Dad that he thought this was a great conversation and he can’t wait to see it in print.

Animal Rights Win: Injured Jockeys Will Be Shot At This Year’s Kentucky Derby

Posted on by Casey Smith

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Officials at Churchill Downs announced that, for the first time ever, jockeys participating in this year’s Kentucky Derby will be shot on the track if they are injured during the race, bloodthirsty horse racing enthusiasts confirmed.

“When it comes to racehorses, I’m the balance between life and death. The killer of worlds. I’ve replaced the black hooded robe and scythe for candy-colored polos, khaki cargo shorts, a handgun, and large white shoes that prevent my abbreviated disk from flaring up,” said David Hunts, resident horse executioner of the Kentucky Derby. “Over the decades I’ve grown so used to shooting 3-year-old horses that the idea of shooting five-foot tall, hundred-pound jockeys in their twenties seemed out of this world. I think the people in the stands are really going to love it. I’ve already had to shoot a few jockeys during some practice rounds and those guys pretty much explode when shot.”

As far as how the jockeys feel, they’re vehemently against the decision when it comes to their possible murder on the track.

“We fear for our lives now, honestly,” stated a jockey who requested to remain anonymous for a wide range of reasons. “I hid a fancy Derby hat and cocktail dress in my locker if I was feeling bloated or having gas the day of the race. Since horses can be put down over colic, I’m frantically checking my anus in a mirror to make sure it’s not shifting. If I’m still feeling unsure, I’ll throw on that big ass hat and dress to hopefully disappear into the sea of wealthy twenty-somethings drinking Mint Juelps in the stands”.

The sports betting world has been rattled in regard to the new likelihood of race outcomes.

“This ‘shooting of jockeys’ rule adds a whole new dynamic to our already questionable and complicated world of sports betting” noted legendary bookie Nancy “Whistles” Fazzoli. “I’ve seen decades of controversy, horses failing drug tests, mysterious murders, and horses stripped of wins, so making the jockeys fair game not only makes me feel better because the horses used to be always at fault, but now we can easily make the jockeys a chess piece in our corruption.”

At press time, the positive reaction to jockeys being killed has led to Churchill Downs to enact a new “Executioner for a day” program for teenagers looking to break into the field.

So You Created Your First Viral Video, Here’s All You Need To Know about Recycling the Same Premise Hundreds of Times and Never Growing as a Person

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

Congratulations. You finally went viral! That cell phone video of you slipping in a puddle of Alfredo sauce at the grocery store took off so fast— as if the lightning forcefully escaped that bottle of Prego that once held it captive before it shot into the stratosphere and took you along with it. You’re about to play with the big boys now that your video hit three million views in a week.

But with great viral fame comes great viral responsibility… to never grow as a person as you continue to find new ways to get the attention that you never knew you so desperately craved before that fateful trip down aisle eight.

You’ve got a long road ahead of you, but it doesn’t have to be a difficult one. By simply peeling back the scales of your lizard brain, you too can lean into the premise that spawned your success by happenstance and make it your entire identity.

No pen. No paper. No character development is required.

Just keep slipping on that sauce and yell out the catchphrase that happened entirely by accident on the first video (“OH! It’s slippy!”) until they find you on the floor of your unfurnished apartment, half decomposed next to your ring light and green screen setup three years from now when your channel gets demonetized and you lose your paid partnership with that shaving company or whatever. But by then you’ll have met Jake Paul that one time and almost say hi to him, and that’s pretty sick.

As you get a little more experimental when your viewership eventually plateaus, just carry out the same premise, but make it a little more edgy. Go to the store naked. Buy one of those lapel microphones and take your bit on the road. Make strangers uncomfortable and ask them hard questions. And then do the sauce thing hoping somebody recognizes you when the police come because according to most common decency laws, you’re just harassing people who are trying to walk to work for internet clout. Come on, now. This is your calling!

This is why you were put here on this Earth.

You should thank your lucky stars that your digital footprint will eventually prevent you from getting a steady job because being the Slippy Sauce man is the essence of your being, for at least another couple of weeks.

Parent Playing Animal-Themed Playlist at Children’s Party Beginning to Think Toadies Song Not About Possums

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

SAN DIEGO – Local parent Nicholas Klein began to question the playlist he made for his kid’s wild animal-themed birthday party after finally paying attention to the lyrics from The Toadies single “Possum Kingdom,” Sources confirmed.

“I just thought, you know, I’d find a bunch of songs with animal names in the title. Plus the band was called The Toads or something,” said Klein. “I figured they were like The Wiggles or something, just making some fun rock songs for kids. I mean it all starts out fine enough about a walk around a lake. You know, Sammy loves lakes. But then it started talking about lovers and stuff and I got pretty anxious. They asked if I wanted to die like 10 times. And that’s when my wife started screaming ‘Alexa pause!’ over and over again and pulled me into the garage to call me a moron.”

Autumn Liston, a six-year-old attending the party, was particularly pleased by the song.

“I love rock music, it rocks,” said Liston while throwing up the devil horns and jumping around in a circle. “It was especially cool when my dad kept yelling ‘turn this off, turn this off.’ When he gets made his face gets really red, and I thought he was about to explode. Then I saw my dad push Sammy’s dad, it was so funny. That’s what rock music does to you though.”

Jeremy Mayo, a ‘90s Alternative Rock Expert, says new parents often don’t understand the themes of ’90s-era rock songs.

“I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times. People put together a throwback playlist for a wedding or a kids’ party, they think, ‘Hey, Semi Charmed life. That’s upbeat. That’s fun.’ And suddenly grandma is singing about going to Bone Town high on meth. Or ‘Oh, Basket Case, I love baskets. And we’re a cooky crazy family,’ and then they’re doing karaoke at their daughter’s sweet sixteen telling everyone about how they solicited services from a prostitute who was referred to them by their very unprofessional therapist,” said Mayo. “You don’t even want to know how bad it is on the 4th of July. People will throw The Presidents of the United States of America on anything willy nilly and then realize too late that what they thought was an ode to summer fruit is actually about finger-banging.

Nicholas is reportedly looking forward to the rest of the playlist now that he’s removed all ‘90s alt rock songs. He expects to have no problem with “Black Mambo,” “I Wanna Be Your Dog,” and “Tusk.”

“I’m Intermittent Fasting” And 10 Other Lies to Tell Your Friends When You’re Too Hungover to Eat

Posted on by John Adkins

You did it again. The allure of drinking until you blackout was just too tempting, so here you are on another Tuesday, waking up at 4 p.m. with a hangover so bad you think your skeleton might explode. Your friends want to grab a bite to eat, but you know if you touch anything that resembles food for the next hour you’re going to ralph and your so-called friends will stage another intervention. Here are 10 quick lies to keep in your pocket so they don’t suspect a thing.

“Oh, No Thank You––I Actually Ripped SO MUCH Ozempic on the Way here”

Trust us, your friends will be SUPER impressed that you had the funds to score some Ozempic. And if they aren’t, they’ll be so friggin’ jealous of your new “self-care” routine that it’ll send ‘em into a shame spiral for the ages. Yep! Dinner’s canceled––let’s all go home and drink some hot water.

“Yeah, I Think Those PBRs Gave Me Food Poisoning or Something.”

Ok, the “food poisoning” excuse can be a little flimsy, especially because your friends are acutely aware of the fact that you ate absolutely NOTHING last night and went straight for the brewskis. So that’s why we’re doubling down by blaming your food poisoning on the PBRs. And if anyone tells you that it’s impossible to get food poisoning from some beers you just say, “Hey Brian. I know for A FACT that you got food poisoning last week from that beer-battered cod at Long John Silvers. And why were you so quick to blame the fish? Maybe it was the beer batter! Are you anti-fish, Brian? Are you?” Look, Brian probably won’t be your friend anymore, but at least no one will wanna coerce you into eating.

“Andrew Huberman Says That Eating Isn’t Actually That Good for You”

Cut the crap. We know you’ve been bragging to your friends about all the “studies” you’ve been “reading.” And by “reading” we mean listening to podcasts from which you retain zero information. So while you’re at it, you might as well drop this little nugget from Dr. Huberman. It’ll either totally impress your friends or send your buddy Brian on a super boring tangent about zone two cardio. Either way, no one will even notice that you’ve slipped away to vomit into a Chipotle guac container.

“You Guys Need FOOD for SUSTENANCE? That’s So Soft”

Now, this is where you need to be ready to drop your manifesto about living in a post-food reality. While the rest of your friends chomp on so called “protein,” you need to be talking about how you’re subsisting off of vibes (*so much Pedialyte*) alone like the biohacking badass that you are. It doesn’t matter if your spiel doesn’t make any sense. What matters is that your friends don’t ever wanna eat food in front of you ever again.

“How DARE You Eat When *Insert Literally Any Global Crisis* Is Going On?”

Look, if the world’s going to shit, you might as well use it to your personal gain! Plus! This excuse will make you look like a really cool and awesome person (*totally and inherently self-righteous*). So yeah, when you drop this suck on your friends, you’ll either guilt them into chucking their açaí bowls in the trash or kill the vibe so hard that you’ll magically send everyone into a depression nap.

“I’m Not Hungry But Here! Let Me Buy You a Snack!”

If you don’t make it to the restaurant and need to tell your friend to pull over so that you can *discreetly* blow chunks in a gas station bathroom, this excuse is perfect. Everybody knows you gotta buy a snack to get access to the puke palace, so you might as well feed your hungry friend in the process! They can’t ask you questions about why you’re still rockin’ your piss-stained skinny jeans when they’re munchin’ on Corn Nuts! Oh! And you should buy them a Liquid Death cuz we just learned that those suckers are actually just sparkling water and not ballistic, gasoline-infused energy drinks.

“If I’m Eating, How Can I Tell You My Story About How I Bought a Sentient Being on Temu Last Week?”

Ok, so we’re not super sure if this one will work. But hey, we’d LOVE to see you try it out. Just tell your friends that you were trying to buy a pair of knockoff AirPods on Temu, and next thing you know a fucking alien chrysalis pops up on your doorstep and guess what? It hatches immediately and now you’re responsible for a random-ass alien named “Maurice.” And, apparently you can’t send Maurice back. That’s not a Temu rule, but it IS a Maurice Rule.

“I Just Haven’t Been Eating Since ‘Cowboy Carter’ Dropped”

WHO’S GONNA GO AGAINST BEYONCE? WHO? I mean, probably your stupid friend Brian.

“According to Gwyneth Paltrow, I’ve Already Eaten Enough Food This Year”

So we’re not sure if our gal Gwyneth actually said this, but the subtext is that you are now the kind of person who eats a single almond for dessert and buys stuff from a skincare brand that rhymes with poop. And yeah. None of your friends gonna want to dine with you ever again.

“I’m Saving My Appetite for a Big, Fat, Healthy Salad Later”

Your friends might’ve dragged you to a godforsaken Sweetgreen, but that doesn’t matter because you’re about to tell your friends about a salad so big and so healthy, it’s gonna have both macro AND micro greens. And NO DRESSING because that’s how healthy THIS fucker’s gonna be. And yeah, it’s gonna be like 90 percent Kale and Swiss chard. So much chard. By the time you’re done explaining this salad to your friends, it’s gonna make their miso glazed salmon look like beer-battered Long John Silvers cod. So take that, BRIAN.

Neoliberal Couple Feels BLM Sign Really Ties 11 Bedroom, 6 Bath House Together

Posted on by Ian Steffé

SALEM, Mass. — Mallory and Piotr Rhodes proudly declared that the small, unassuming Black Lives Matter sign outside their sprawling 11-bedroom, 6-bath mansion is the final touch to reflect their politics and show a welcoming haven for those similarly minded, multiple neighbors who publicly share the exact feelings confirmed.

“We were just so inspired by the movement, you know? We wanted to be part of the change and show the world we are committed to progressive values,” Mrs. Rhodes explained while clutching a $299 bag of fair-trade coffee. “And we adore the diversity here. Like I’m part Italian on my grandfather’s side and I found out a lot of the neighbors have similar mixed-race backgrounds. Like the Klein’s across the street, one of them has a grandfather from Spain. Then there’s another family? I think they’re Chinese? I don’t know, we’ve waved hello to them. We love them. Whatever they’re doing. It’s great.

Chloe St. Onge, the realtor who introduced the happy couple to the location, raved about the many features of the sprawling property.

“There’s so much to LOVE in this progressive oasis” gushed St. Onge. “The open kitchen and sizable dining room for entertaining where Mallory has her book club meetings. There’s a recording studio Piotr has been using to record an Afro-rock album that sounds like Vampire Weekend, but with an edge. The ‘girl boss’ office space where Mallory’s portraits of Frida Kahlo, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and Elizabeth Warren are displayed. Even the media center features a state-of-the-art system where guests can enjoy movies like ‘Crash’ and ‘Green Book.’”

However, not everyone in the neighborhood is impressed. Guillermo Sanchez, a third generation resident of The Point seemed skeptical of the intentions of the Rhodes.

“It’s a shame what they’ve done to this place,” Mr. Sanchez lamented, looking through the high iron bars surrounding the property. “Like up the street at our community church. We had book drives. Dances. It was the heartbeat of the neighborhood to help the kids, and people who were having a hard time. But since these people moved in they call the cops to file a noise complaint about us every time we have an event. We usually wrap up by 7 p.m. but that’s still too late for them apparently.”

As of press time, the couple has briefly taken down the sign but promises to have it back up as soon as Mr. Rhodes’ father is done with his Senate reelection race.

Poser Alert! Those Assholes From the “Punk” CD Compilation Were Paid Actors

Posted on by Ben Friedman

There is something that’s been bothering me for nearly 20 years now, and I’m sure a few of you may have had sleepless nights over it too: that offensively tone-deaf “punk” compilation commercial. You know which one I’m talking about. It was already bad enough that the tracklist was laughable, but to see two punks betray the genre and shill this tripe to us was even more insulting.

But that’s when I discovered the horrible truth. They weren’t punks at all but paid actors!

You’re probably thinking surely no one would sink that low, but the unfortunate truth is that the evil masterminds behind this joke of a mix CD went out and hired two people to pretend to be gutter punks. For money, no less! Had they been real punks, they would’ve beat the shit out of the director on principle for including the Greg Kihn Band.

Go back and watch it, and you’ll see how they were lying to us in plain sight. Pay attention to how clean everything looks, from their skin to their shoes to whatever living room they’re allegedly supposed to be squatting in. Like, not even a single cigarette or empty whiskey bottle in sight? Red flag!

I don’t know what kind of psyop the suits at Westwood Promotions (a CIA front if there ever was one) was running, but paying these stooges to tell us Top 40 new wave and punk were synonymous is downright vile. I even have my doubts about their hair being real.

And to think I was starting to second guess my devotion to the scene! For half a second there I thought I’d missed some memo about Huey Lewis’ “I Want a New Drug” being punk, even ironically. I bet these two boneheads have never in their lives taken unmarked pills from a random guy at a basement show.

I’ve spent years trying to track these imposters, but have come up with nothing. I tried calling the 800 number and it just took me to a psychic hotline. I even went out to Westwood’s headquarters in Colorado Springs and it was just an empty strip mall! These maniacs could still be out there.

It goes without saying that if you encounter them, under no circumstances let them bum a smoke, hook them up with your dealer, or take any of their music recommendations. These posers deserve no quarter.

The Top Ten Most Underrated Island Records Bands That Turned Out to Be Dead the Whole Time

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Peninsulas are overrated; Island Records is underrated. We attempt to bring to your attention in written form the top ten most underrated Island Records bands in alphabetical order. For this list to be as pristine as it truly is, there are a few ground rules for your pleasure/discomfort: Acts like Fall Out Boy, Thrice, Thursday, and The Kids of Widney High are exempt, as they are all way too big to be considered underappreciated, AND no subsidiary label acts are considered either. Some knowledge for your eyes, ears, throats, and gullets: Island Records was founded in 1959 and eventually sold to Polygram thirty years later. Happily the label is still going strong, and sadly you aren’t. In closing, travel to one of NYC’s boroughs, albeit the worst one, hop on a plane with Cooter, and watch “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” right now. Thanks, bros.

Autopilot Off

Major label AND Tim Armstrong approved? Check! Orange County, New Freaking York’s Autopilot Off started, uh, off as a true Cooter and finished their full-length career as AO with a nearly flawless LP named “Make a Sound.” A noise it did make, but unfortunately it was more of a whimper than a bang. Pity as these pop-punk/melodic punk/rock jams still hold up twenty years later! If you like video games, and we know that you do, Autopilot Off have quite a few song placements in video games not named “Kid Icarus.” Fun fact: Autopilot Off released a flawless EP on Island Records too and if you have fourteen minutes, listen to it all OR take a jog; you’re out of shape. You’re forever indebted to us and we know you’re waiting for what you want.

The Bronx

If you caught The Bronx on The Used’s 2004 run supporting their sophomore/most commercially successful LP “In Love and Death” with Atreyu and Head Automatica, you don’t deserve a notice of eviction. If you missed it, we’ve got chills and they’re NOT multiplying. According to legend, the band got signed shortly after their tenth show, and whilst rock press looooved this band, not too many pedestrians like your cousin Felicity knew who they were. While the band isn’t too creative with their album titles, they also are; paradoxes rule. The band’s creative/curious side project Mariachi El Bronx may be bigger than The Bronx, but that’s just one small stone for man and one Spanish handshake for mankind. Punk rock cred peeps may scoff at this band for being on a major label, but so were The Ramones and Ashlee Simpson.

CKY

CKY may have created one of the most singable guitar riffs of all time whilst not creating one of the most singable vocal melodies of all time, but, hey, that’s showbiz! Originally called Camp Kill Yourself, which TOTALLY wouldn’t have gotten the band canceled in the year of our lord known as 2024, West Chester, Pennsylvania’s CKY at their formation featured a relative of a (now former) “Jackass,” a guitarist/vocalist named Deron, and Allen Ginsberg’s non-cousin. 96 bitter beings permanently stan CKY, but mainstream whatsoevers mostly missed out on the acronymed rock and roller skaters. While the band certainly peaked in popularity during the early-aughts period, they’re still cranking shizz out today, and they’re celebrating their 25th anniversary as a band NEXT month on tour!

Damone

Not only will one Damone song feel like you’re out here all night with the band, but two will feel like, uh, two nights out here! Yeah! Originating from Waltham, Massachusetts, a town most famous for being home base to the uber, uber-Jesuit Brandeis University, Damone formed in 2001, and just two years later released their debut LP “From the Attic” via RCA Records. Their sophomore album “Out Here All Night” is the band’s highest quality effort and Island Records was its home base. Self-produced with help from David Spreng, “Out Here All Night” is a high octane true rock and roll record that you dropped the ball on and ruined all things 2007-beyond; thanks, Obama. Want more rock cred? Ok! Damone even covered Iron Maiden’s “Wasted Years,” and said tune closed the LP in style with a new change of heart, AND on your speakers.

Injected

Let’s start this section with something sad: We want to shout out the late guitarist/backing vocalist for Injected, Jade Lemons, who left this earth extremely prematurely in 2016. Now let’s rock: Injected’s lone major label effort, 2002’s “Burn it Black” appeals to fans of Helmet and Butch Walker, who not so coincidentally produced this LP. If you watched WWE AND MTV in the early-aughts, and we know that you did, you likely heard an Injected song once or thrice (NOT MENTIONED IN THE TOP TEN FOR THIS ISLAND RECORDS PIECE, NO NO NO). Eddie Trunk, who is bitter enemies with Ronnie Radke, put this full-length studio album on his top ten list for 2002, and that combined with $6 can buy you a cup of coffee in LA without any of the fixins… Maybe it can in Atlanta? Regardless, Injected rocked more than The Dirty South.

Innerpartysystem

If you ever wished that Nine Inch Nails played Warped Tour, then do WE have the band for YOU: Innerpartysystem. We’re perplexed every hour on the hour, five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes as to why “Don’t Stop” didn’t reach “Mr. Brightside” heights, but such great heights are forever and always in Brooklyn Heights with the Brooklyn Dodgers dodging The Artful Dodger in an artful manner. You never heard of Mohnton, Pennsylvania before and you shan’t again; how do you measure, measure a year? Fun fact: The band eventually remixed Katy Perry’s “Hot n Cold” before it heated up, and not too long after that, split up. We blame you. Fans of George Orwell, dark synth pop and not pop, and the general working class would system the party the hell out of your inners.

Letter Kills

In a perfect world, Letter Kills would be mentioned in the same mall screamo breath sans mouthwash as The Used, Story of the Year, Finch, and Edna’s Goldfish. However, it is not a perfect world, just ask “The Bridge,” Letter Kill’s major label debut and only full-length studio album didn’t turn a bright color that they sell at pawn shops post-release. The twelve songs that compose this LP have zero filler and plenty of antioxidants. Guitar players who love MCR, AAR, NFG, and MTB should listen to track four, “Brand New Man,” right now, and marvel at and learn WITH it. Speaking of MCR and SOTY: Letter Kills was first of four on the 2004 Nintendo Fusion Tour with My Chemical Romance on second, the completely unproblematic Lostprophets as direct support, and Story of the Year in the headline slot. Times change but letter kills.

Primer 55

And now for something completely different: Nu metal. ARE YOU REEEEADY? Memphis, Tennessee’s Primer 55 name without question is and apparently comes from something unfinished with a drug trafficking road as a Mozart symphony. Both Walter “Limp Bizkit” White and Fred “I Am The One Who Knocks” Durst would agree that the number fifty-five rules, and the band with said numeral slaps! Primer 55 had solid record sales, but were far from gold, and not only stayed gold, ponyboy, but it was shelved. Sigh. Such a dark fate for a band that could still be rocking Ozzfest stages today if there were any… And said situation catalyzed the band’s first split in 2003. The band reformed four years later, and then split up for good (unless Coachella capitalizes on the nu metal nostalgia boom and drops cash in their lap) in 2015. On a sad note, rest in peace, J-Sin.

Rival Schools

First of all, how on brand is it for us here that Rival Schools are mentioned in this piece? Right in front of your eyes RS takes the remainder of the culturally and geopolitically significant Quicksand’s Island Records contract with extreme V-neck T-shirt assistance from every band that ever existed in every genre in every country and planet, Walter “Spell Check” Schreifels’ then-new Rival Schools put out an incredible Rydell High School debut known as “United by Fate” and split up for the first time just two years later. The band survived one more breakup after a semi-quick but not really reunion, and as of 2022, still exists today for humans of all shapes and sizes. Anyway, we’ve said it before and we’ll without hesitation ask it again, “What the hell is post-hardcore?” Seriously, what is it? We know, we know, everything has its point, and good things undercover on.

Young Love

Young love was such dumb love; we will never, ever recov-er together. If you were slightly ahead of the dance-rock curve via just another former “scene” frontman, then you were right on time for Young Love. The act’s illustrious by definition frontman Dan Kayes almost totally, epically and magnificently shifted musical focus post his one-word yet Twelve Step named band, and completely pulled a 180 in a solid way with the toe-tappin’ Young Love, that you never listened to, and that’s why they are on this list. Final thought/inquiry: Why shouldn’t we end this piece on a sad note? We have no reason either way: Young Love put out one EP and two LPs via Island Records and then, poof, peaced out, without reforming since. Ceci n’est pas recover. Give up, you’re too young to fight it. Just find a new way and close your eyes.