We Sit Down With Taylor Swift and Sheepishly Walked Back All The Comments We Made About Her in a Reddit Thread She Apparently Reads

Posted on by Malia Simon

This week we had the once-in-a-lifetime chance to sit down with Taylor Swift and had kind of an “oh fuck” moment when we realized she has apparently read through the entire hate thread on which we have been the top commenters for the past decade.

The Hard Times: What an honor to sit down with the queen of the music industry herself. We are long-time Swifties here at The Hard Times, but we know not everyone appreciates your artistry. How do you handle the haters?
Taylor Swift: Normally it’s not a big deal, but I admit that sometimes it does get to me. This one Reddit page in particular is out of control with the nasty comments.

HT: Oh yeah? We didn’t know you even read those. Just out of curiosity, which Reddit page? And we can’t imagine you’d have time to pay attention to the usernames of those commenters, do you?
TS: Oh, I see everything. It’s this page called R/FuckTaylorSwift, and it’s just a bunch of people calling me a boring, old, a bad songwriter. Stuff like that.

HT: That’s awful.
TS: Yeah. The other day, one user posted something like “Taylor Swift is for big-gummed normies who eat mayonnaise straight from the jar and kiss horses on the asshole.” Actually, it looks like that comment comes from a user called “The Hard Times News Official.”

HT: Huh, what are the chances? Must be another Hard Times News.
TS: And it looks like the profile picture of that page is actually a picture of you listening to my new album with fake blood caked onto your ears.

HT: Oh wow. You certainly don’t miss a thing. Your fans weren’t lying about that. Meaning us! We are your fans. Just to be clear, we meant that mayonnaise jar thing as a compliment.
TS: Look, it honestly doesn’t bother me much. It’s just a lot of misogyny and people afraid to enjoy pop music without being considered “normies.” A bunch of losers who sleep on their parents’ couch.

HT: Agree with the first part. But just for accuracy’s sake, we wouldn’t necessarily call those people losers. Punks, maybe. But losers? Not quite. Also, those people have been moved out of their parents’ house for 3 months now. Just to keep the record straight.
TS: Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.

HT: So Taylor, we notice you have a lot of songs about this idea of “revenge.” Just out of curiosity, you don’t see yourself ever taking revenge on your haters or anything like that, right? We imagine you probably wouldn’t have the time for that.
TS: It’s not so much about one act of revenge as it is a slow, calculated process of wearing them down psychologically until they’re a shell of what they once were. This usually extends over the course of about three decades. It’s a very subtle art.

HT: Wow, that’s great.
TS: Yup.

HT: Okay, we’re sorry. Please. Have mercy.
TS: I’m not mad. In fact, all of this is going exactly according to plan.

We have to admit the rest of the interview got a little hazy as the walls began to close in on us and we felt ourselves spiraling into the early stages of a full-blown panic attack while Taylor Swift sat watching us with a triumphant smirk stretching across her face. We were even more shocked to learn from her producers that we had actually interviewed hologram Taylor Swift, while the real Taylor Swift was watching from a control room in a mansion three miles away. On the bright side, it looks almost indistinguishable from her except for a little glitch in the left arm that can easily be doctored up when we go to exploit the whole thing for Instagram clout.

Small Bird Horribly Embarrassed At How Fast He Nutted In Nature Documentary

Posted on by Charles Bill

AMAZON RAINFOREST, Brazil – A local topaz hummingbird was humiliated when he nutted super fast while filming a rare mating ritual for an upcoming installment of the “Planet Earth” series, chuckling sources confirmed.

“So there I was, putting on my moves, doing my thing,” explained the small bird who goes by Rafael. “I see this sexy lady bird, and I start dancing around, showing her how white my tail feathers are. I’m sort of a stud, so she’s on board. I hop on, three pumps, and I’m out. Species continued. I finished, she didn’t. Then I notice the camera. It’s not just a hunting camera, it’s zooming in and out. On me. I just starred in a bird porno and came faster than my wings beat every second. And now stoned college kids are going to be watching me fail to think about baseball in 4K for decades to come. Fucking BBC.”

Although the bird was ashamed of his performance, it did make for excellent nature content.

“Now we see the majestic crimson topaz, a hummingbird with exceptional plumage,” narrated David Attenborough over footage of the birds’ courtship ritual. “As we can see, the female is attracted, and offers herself to the male. The male then mounts her, and then he – wait he’s done? Seriously? Talk a bout a two-pump chump. In my day we could at least think of the Queen and that might keep us going for a few more seconds. Well not in the fifties. Anyway, the ritual is over, and the crimson topaz will now drink a beer and sleep.”

Despite the bird’s international public shaming, some scientific authorities have come to his support.

“Bird’s bust like nothing,” said Ornithology Chair at Gonzaga, Dr. Tyson Quill. “From the biggest ostrich, to the smallest sparrow, birds have no stroke game whatsoever. I’ll send my lab aides to collect stool samples and they’ll come back with a bonus jar full of bird cum. Like just being touched makes these incels explode. Birds are so horny, and their wings are terrible for jerking off. The second they make contact with wit that wet cloaca, it’s over for them.”

At press time, Rafael’s mate was dishing to her bird girlfriends about how much better her old hummingbird was.

Finally! My Teen Angst Has Given Way to Adult Malaise

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I’ve often been called a late bloomer. While I’ve always resented that label, everyone who called me that had a fair point: I refuse to sign up for direct deposit, roughly 60% of my exes told me that watching me skateboard in the 7/11 parking lot and considering that a date night was the main reason for breaking up with me, and the undying angst I’ve felt against this unfair world has been my default mood since I was 12-years-old.

But all of that changed a few days ago when I was in line to buy stamps at the post office and mail my water bill. In that moment the unbridled rage towards any and all authority dissipated and was replaced by a warm blanket of adulthood malaise.

Talk about growth! Seriously, it’s such a load off my shoulders to not wake up every day and curse my parents for bringing me into this world just to experience the collapse of Western civilization. For example, today I spent 20 minutes comparing laundry detergents while feeling like I should’ve followed my passion for abstract art.

I partially blame the delay on my genetic predisposition to being angry at the world due to still losing baby teeth up until my first year of college. Or perhaps it’s the fact that I haven’t had kids, which I’ve heard kills teen angst real quick. After all, there aren’t many opportunities to listen to My Chemical Romance anymore when Cocomelon takes over your Spotify algorithm.

It’s a weird sensation to look in the mirror and wonder if this is the same person who once stole twelve CDs from FYE and pushed the security guard into the fountain, especially once I realized all of those bands are now going on 20th-anniversary tours of those very albums. And yes, I’m going to pay $70 plus fees for balcony seats. My poor knees!

It’s much different from a midlife crisis, because this is permanent. From here on out it’s nothing but circling back on Zoom until I retire (or die at my desk), buying a pill organizer or two, and not recognizing 85% of today’s music. All while the existential threat of World War 3 hangs over us like a proverbial Sword of Damocles, no less! If all that doesn’t elicit a sense of never-ending dread, then I really need to grow up.

Well, better late than never. At least hating cops is an all-ages affair.

Trump Disappears Attempting to Surf Giant Wave After Fleeing to Bells Beach, Australia

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BELLS BEACH, Victoria — Former President Donald Trump was seen evading authorities by attempting to surf a giant wave off the southern coast of Australia following his 34 convictions in the New York fraud trial, sources who only live to get radical confirmed.

“I just want to catch one last wave, one tremendous wave, the biggest wave anyone has seen in fifty years. It’s the fifty-year storm, folks. And speaking of fifty-year storms, have you seen Stormy Daniels lately? She doesn’t look anything like my beautiful daughter Ivanka anymore, so sad, very sad,” said Trump as he paddled out into the swell. “I’m not going to paddle my way to New Zealand, or whatever country is out there. They probably have a secure border anyway unlike our once great country. Well, as the bad hombres who invade our country every day would say ‘Vaya con Dios.’”

Some of those close to Trump were confused by the now-felon former president’s decision to ride the giant wave as a way to escape consequences.

“I don’t understand why he would do this. I mean, he did always say that ‘If you want the ultimate, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price’ but I thought he meant the classified documents he had sold to foreign nationals… allegedly,” said a bewildered Rudy Giuliani. “I thought we were going to go to Mexico with Matt Gaetz and Jim Jordan where the four of us were going to rob banks while wearing Trump masks. He said we were going to call ourselves ‘The ex (but still your hopefully favorite), and definitely future, presidents.’”

Federal agent, and former Ohio State Buckeyes quarterback, Johnny Utah who has been assigned to the ongoing classified documents case is also baffled by Trump’s decision to make such a dramatic exit.

“First of all, Mr. Trump was not even taken into custody and in all likelihood will never even see the inside of a prison cell. I mean it’s not like he’s poor or a person of color convicted of a petty crime so he doesn’t have to worry about going to jail,” said Agent Utah. “I’ve been with the bureau nearly 30 years now, when I started in the FBI I was young, dumb, full of cum. But the fact of the matter is this job can be pretty boring sometimes, so helping on this case actually got me excited again. It turns out that being an FBI agent is not ‘One hundred percent pure adrenaline.’”

At press time, Giuliani reportedly claims to have found Trump on a beach in Zihuatanejo, Mexico fixing up an old boat.

How I Eliminated Negativity From My Life by Refusing to Check My Account Balance

Posted on by Dom Turek

Nietzsche said that if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you, which is why I never stare directly at my account balance when withdrawing money from the ATM. Whenever necessary, I will peer at the meager number through squinted eyes and violently hit ‘no receipt’ until the machine returns me to the home screen.

The illusory power of money has this whole country in such a vice grip that close friends and blood relatives won’t even lend you money anymore without some sort of collateral or long-winded speech about how no one trusts you anymore because you “never pay anyone back” and “spent the last $500 to wager a bet on who would be the next pope.” I guess some people are just born cynics.

A wise man once said, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” This wise man was my father, and time would reveal he was referring to the widely rumored affair my mother had with one of her subordinates. However, I find the saying applies to almost all situations. Maintaining optimism requires not asking too many questions. Buying a turkey sandwich, with extra mustard, at the deli without my card declining is all the information I need about my finances.

The best way to guide positivity into your life is to adopt an abundance mindset. To achieve this, you must train yourself to understand that things like finances and human potential are expansive rather than limited. Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to employ an abundance mentality when Chase Bank contacts you every five seconds to say your account is overdrawn and being sent to collections. Corporate America keeps trying to clip my wings, but they don’t realize I’m a phoenix.

My natural inborn tendency towards idealism and rebirth is kept alive by getting rid of anything that doesn’t serve me, and that usually starts with any mail I receive from my bank, the DMV, or the IRS. Whenever I fire up an illegal barrel burn to get rid of excess refuse around my apartment, I’m careful to include anything that has words like “Open Immediately” and “Last Notice” printed directly on the envelope. If someone has something urgent to say, they’ll call me, but I won’t know because my phone has been shut off due to non-payment.

Target Reduces Pride Month Collection to Single T-Shirt of Androgynous Person Shrugging

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Target announced they would be reducing this year’s selection of Pride merchandise to a single t-shirt depicting an androgynous person shrugging in response to last year’s controversy surrounding their LGBTQ+-friendly apparel, confirmed multiple high-ranking sources.

“In order to avoid more threats of violence and accusations and about our pride collection promoting child grooming and perversion, we are overhauling this year’s offering to a single shirt of an androgynous, nonbinary person throwing up their arms almost as if to say ‘What the hell is this anyway?’ We feel that Target has successfully toed the line with a depiction of sexual ambiguity that’ll hopefully be enough for the queer community,” said Target executive Bradley Smith. “Numerous focus groups in the Deep South and battleground states led us to the creation of this solitary, unisex t-shirt depicting an indifferent non-binary person. This way LGBTQ+ guests will be safe to shop in our stores just like our reactionary and conspiratorial right-wing guests.”

Despite Target’s scaled-back approach, customers with conservative values still weren’t happy.

“I’ll never forget what happened last year when I had to explain to my kid why someone would put ‘Trans Lives Matter’ on a shirt. It was one of the most horrific things to happen to me and my family ever. And this year’s line is no different, what with this mystery person shrugging so condescendingly at family values,” said Susan Michaels. “I just want to be able to shop in peace and not have to look at some woke shirt insinuating that gender is fluid. I promise I will berate every minimum wage Target employee in a 50-mile radius until it’s removed.”

LGBTQ+ activists were not surprised by Target’s lackluster offerings.

“The fight for visibility and acceptance has been profoundly difficult, but it would be naive to think Target gave a shit about queer people in the first place. The only reason they started a Pride line was because they realized gay people have money. But like many brands facing a backlash that’ll threaten shareholder value, they reverse course and give us watered-down garbage,” said Adrian Polakowski. “Just yesterday Walmart introduced a line of trad wife dresses ominously placed next to their Pride display, and Kohls’ revealed a line of Pride shirts that just say ‘Bisexual Unicorn Who Dates Guys That Listen to Joe Rogan.’”

As of press time, Target instructed employees to stock the shirt behind the store so as to not make any conservative customers inadvertently question their sexuality even for a second.

If Alcohol Is So Dehydrating Why Did It Make Me Pee My Pants?

Posted on by Dom Turek

Doctors and scientists will tell you that alcohol is severely dehydrating, but doctors also used to prescribe lobotomies to anyone with ADHD, and scientists were putting cocaine in soda until the 1930s, so I tend to take “professional opinions” with a grain of salt.

Hey brainiacs, If alcohol is so dehydrating, why did I recently wake up from a wild night out in a urine-soaked bed covered in sweat? Biologists blame it on a renal process called diereses, which is just fancy medical talk for drinking so many Michelob Ultras that you piss yourself in public after a Def Leppard concert and have to convince others you spilled a drink in your lap.

Sorry, but trying to brainwash me into believing that increased urine output is a direct result of dehydration is like when my family tries to convince me global warming is real even when it gets really chilly outside and I’m forced to put on a light jacket. Ain’t gonna happen, guys.

The amount of urine I produce when I drink the recommended eight glasses of water a day can only be described as “measly” when compared to the geyser of piss I produce after drinking just two cans of Coors Light. I know doctors will disagree but the proof is in the pudding, and by that, I mean the pee is in my pants.

To put things in perspective, consider the fact that beer is 95 percent water while the human body is only 75 percent water, meaning that beer is actually extremely hydrating. Unfortunately, this fun factoid came as little solace to my now ex-girlfriend when I tried explaining to her that getting black-out drunk and pissing in all her house plants is really just a nuanced form of irrigation.

Great ideas have always been met with great resistance, which is why I don’t propose to convince lesser minds of my progressive views on human physiology.

Whenever I see a man or woman stumbling home from a pub at an obscene hour with pee stains spidering down their pant legs, my first thought is always, “I hope they get home safe,” and my second thought is, “At least they’re hydrated.”

Man Busts Out the Good Carabiner Keychain for Special Red Chord Show

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BOSTON — Local deathcore fan Toby Branstein decided to bust out his finest carabiner keychain for the upcoming special Red Chord show, confirmed sources who needed to upgrade theirs now that they think about it.

“I only use this one for special occasions, like high-profile shows, weddings, and my grandmother’s funeral,” said Branstein while attempting to pair the carabiner keychain with just the right jeans. “I actually tried to get a brand new one for this event in particular so I can look as fresh as possible, but evidently they don’t sell carabiners at Men’s Warehouse or Nordstrom. Get this. They don’t even sell white or studded belts. It’s like there are no high-end men’s clothing stores anymore. Either way, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a carabiner from Walmart to this show. Show some damn respect.”

Friends of Branstein wish he matured his style just a bit.

“This guy still dresses with his keys dangling from his belt loop as if they were part of some sort of exoskeleton,” said long acquaintance Meg Daffodil. “I get that this is a very special show, but if that’s the case he should really be wearing a suit and tie. Or at least go business casual. Any old Norma Jean t-shirt will simply not do. After all, you need to dress for the show you want, not the one you’re going to. It’s time for this 38-year-old to grow up and wear show-appropriate apparel.”

Fashion experts agreed that men in general have a hard time updating their wardrobe as they age.

“Some men like to accessorize with expensive watches and designer sunglasses, others prefer implements that are used exclusively for rockclimbing. For some reason, these people are fans of subgenres that end with the word ‘core,’” said stylist Deb Macintyre. “It is very difficult for a lot of men to adapt their style as they age. That’s why it’s best to shame them into changing. Publicly or privately, it does not matter. Just make them feel guilty for every style decision they’ve ever made in their lives. Always works.”

At press time, Branstein decided to bust out his best pair of Vans for an upcoming job interview.

MAGA Supporter Intentionally Gets Another Felony DWI Charge in Solidarity With Trump

Posted on by Chris Bowen

WATERLOO, N.Y. — Staunch MAGA Republican and binge-drinker Justin Brently decided to show his unwavering support for Donald Trump after his recent felony conviction by adding to his already large list of aggravated DWI charges, several perpetually-deceived sources report.

“Donald Trump is the single greatest president this country has ever had and I’ll drink 23 beers then get behind the wheel of my Silverado as many times as it takes until this witch hunt is over,” Brently stated as a jail guard instructed him to “pipe down.” “This man needs the support of MAGA patriots like me now more than ever, and I’ll stand in solidarity with him the only way I know how: by making dangerously irresponsible alcohol-fueled decisions. All I need is about 14 more and I’ll hit the goal of 34, one for every guilty sentence. God Bless America and God Bless Donald Trump and Coors Light!”

Brently’s longtime friend and drinking buddy Dylan Stowski shared his admiration for his commitment to his political ideals.

“Justin has to be the biggest freedom-loving patriot I know, and I’m proud to say that I’ve been right by his side many times when he’s put his few remaining brain cells on the line for Trump,” Stowski explained. “During the ‘plandemic,’ Justin and I were having one of our anti-quarantine parties, and we decided to go shot-for-shot. Only we were drinking shots of bleach to show all them science snowflakes that Trump wasn’t at all wrong or stupid for suggesting that bleach would cure Covid. We took the last two spots in the ER, but we didn’t die, so Trump was right!”

DWI attorneys nationwide have seen a sharp increase in demand of their services in what experts are calling “MAGA-flation.”

“Since this whole guilty verdict thing came about, our phones here have been ringing non-stop with angry bearded white men claiming to be political prisoners,” Attorney Larry Fink of Fink & Associates stated. “Apparently, these insurrectionist types started a campaign called, ‘Driving Drunk for Trump’ and now I’m up to my ears in billable hours! I think the world needs more conmen like Trump because at this rate, I should be able to retire from my practice around the time he inevitably runs for President again in 2028!”

At press time, Brently was spotted scraping off his “Blue Lives Matter” sticker off his rear windshield in hopes it will increase his chance of being pulled over.

QAnon Follower Desperately Trying to Decipher Significance of “34” in Trump’s 34 Convictions

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BOISE, Idaho. —  Followers of the QAnon conspiracy theory are trying to find hidden meaning in the 34 felony convictions of former president Donald Trump which were handed down in the New York criminal fraud case yesterday, multiple Facebook loving sources confirmed.

“There must be some message he is trying to send us by being purposefully convicted 34 times in this so-called hush money trial,” said longtime Q believer Brenda Derbock. “If you think about it, 34 is 33 plus 1. 33 is the highest level of the Freemasons and Donald Trump is the one! Also, 34 plus 45, for 45th president, equals 79, which will be how old he will be when he becomes president again. Even though as we all know he is still secretly the president and Biden is just an actor. It’s so obvious if you look close enough.”

Some aren’t convinced, however, and think this may just be another dead end.

“I know Brenda, we used to chat on a Q message board forum TrueQPatriots.ru and I think she is wasting her time trying to find a meaning in this,” said former Q believer Tyler Boggs from his therapist’s office. “I can’t tell you how much time we wasted looking through every one of Trump’s misspelled Tweets or flubs he would say looking for some clue that this whole Q thing was real. Luckily, I finally realized there was nothing to any of this and the followers are just fucking crazy, and it only took getting divorced and losing my job to get me there, Besides, it was RFK Jr. who actually set Trump up. Everyone knows that.”

Mental health expert Liz Smith says she has seen a rise in the number of patients who suffer delusional paranoia in the last 8 years.

“I have spent my entire career specializing in cult psychology and working with patients who suffer from delusions, but at this point with this QAnon stuff I… I just can’t do it anymore,” said a tearful Smith. “I was a fool to think I could help people with mental illness in these times. If the whole world is insane and I am the only sane one, that means insanity is the new normal and I am the one who is actually insane. But regardless, they can’t stop obsessing over benign things such as the number of charges, and frankly, they are never going to change. Depressing.”

At press time, Derbock had a new theory that 34 actually represented NFL Hall of Famer Walter Payton, claiming that “Payton played for the Chicago Bears in 1984 and was a halfback and his number was 34, half of 34 is 17, Q is the 17th letter of the alphabet, and Chicago is under deep state control like the book ‘1984.’”