AMAZON RAINFOREST, Brazil – A local topaz hummingbird was humiliated when he nutted super fast while filming a rare mating ritual for an upcoming installment of the “Planet Earth” series, chuckling sources confirmed.
“So there I was, putting on my moves, doing my thing,” explained the small bird who goes by Rafael. “I see this sexy lady bird, and I start dancing around, showing her how white my tail feathers are. I’m sort of a stud, so she’s on board. I hop on, three pumps, and I’m out. Species continued. I finished, she didn’t. Then I notice the camera. It’s not just a hunting camera, it’s zooming in and out. On me. I just starred in a bird porno and came faster than my wings beat every second. And now stoned college kids are going to be watching me fail to think about baseball in 4K for decades to come. Fucking BBC.”
Although the bird was ashamed of his performance, it did make for excellent nature content.
“Now we see the majestic crimson topaz, a hummingbird with exceptional plumage,” narrated David Attenborough over footage of the birds’ courtship ritual. “As we can see, the female is attracted, and offers herself to the male. The male then mounts her, and then he – wait he’s done? Seriously? Talk a bout a two-pump chump. In my day we could at least think of the Queen and that might keep us going for a few more seconds. Well not in the fifties. Anyway, the ritual is over, and the crimson topaz will now drink a beer and sleep.”
Despite the bird’s international public shaming, some scientific authorities have come to his support.
“Bird’s bust like nothing,” said Ornithology Chair at Gonzaga, Dr. Tyson Quill. “From the biggest ostrich, to the smallest sparrow, birds have no stroke game whatsoever. I’ll send my lab aides to collect stool samples and they’ll come back with a bonus jar full of bird cum. Like just being touched makes these incels explode. Birds are so horny, and their wings are terrible for jerking off. The second they make contact with wit that wet cloaca, it’s over for them.”
At press time, Rafael’s mate was dishing to her bird girlfriends about how much better her old hummingbird was.