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Trump Disappears Attempting to Surf Giant Wave After Fleeing to Bells Beach, Australia

BELLS BEACH, Victoria — Former President Donald Trump was seen evading authorities by attempting to surf a giant wave off the southern coast of Australia following his 34 convictions in the New York fraud trial, sources who only live to get radical confirmed.

“I just want to catch one last wave, one tremendous wave, the biggest wave anyone has seen in fifty years. It’s the fifty-year storm, folks. And speaking of fifty-year storms, have you seen Stormy Daniels lately? She doesn’t look anything like my beautiful daughter Ivanka anymore, so sad, very sad,” said Trump as he paddled out into the swell. “I’m not going to paddle my way to New Zealand, or whatever country is out there. They probably have a secure border anyway unlike our once great country. Well, as the bad hombres who invade our country every day would say ‘Vaya con Dios.’”

Some of those close to Trump were confused by the now-felon former president’s decision to ride the giant wave as a way to escape consequences.

“I don’t understand why he would do this. I mean, he did always say that ‘If you want the ultimate, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price’ but I thought he meant the classified documents he had sold to foreign nationals… allegedly,” said a bewildered Rudy Giuliani. “I thought we were going to go to Mexico with Matt Gaetz and Jim Jordan where the four of us were going to rob banks while wearing Trump masks. He said we were going to call ourselves ‘The ex (but still your hopefully favorite), and definitely future, presidents.’”

Federal agent, and former Ohio State Buckeyes quarterback, Johnny Utah who has been assigned to the ongoing classified documents case is also baffled by Trump’s decision to make such a dramatic exit.

“First of all, Mr. Trump was not even taken into custody and in all likelihood will never even see the inside of a prison cell. I mean it’s not like he’s poor or a person of color convicted of a petty crime so he doesn’t have to worry about going to jail,” said Agent Utah. “I’ve been with the bureau nearly 30 years now, when I started in the FBI I was young, dumb, full of cum. But the fact of the matter is this job can be pretty boring sometimes, so helping on this case actually got me excited again. It turns out that being an FBI agent is not ‘One hundred percent pure adrenaline.’”

At press time, Giuliani reportedly claims to have found Trump on a beach in Zihuatanejo, Mexico fixing up an old boat.