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We Sit Down With Taylor Swift and Sheepishly Walked Back All The Comments We Made About Her in a Reddit Thread She Apparently Reads

This week we had the once-in-a-lifetime chance to sit down with Taylor Swift and had kind of an “oh fuck” moment when we realized she has apparently read through the entire hate thread on which we have been the top commenters for the past decade.

The Hard Times: What an honor to sit down with the queen of the music industry herself. We are long-time Swifties here at The Hard Times, but we know not everyone appreciates your artistry. How do you handle the haters?
Taylor Swift: Normally it’s not a big deal, but I admit that sometimes it does get to me. This one Reddit page in particular is out of control with the nasty comments.

HT: Oh yeah? We didn’t know you even read those. Just out of curiosity, which Reddit page? And we can’t imagine you’d have time to pay attention to the usernames of those commenters, do you?
TS: Oh, I see everything. It’s this page called R/FuckTaylorSwift, and it’s just a bunch of people calling me a boring, old, a bad songwriter. Stuff like that.

HT: That’s awful.
TS: Yeah. The other day, one user posted something like “Taylor Swift is for big-gummed normies who eat mayonnaise straight from the jar and kiss horses on the asshole.” Actually, it looks like that comment comes from a user called “The Hard Times News Official.”

HT: Huh, what are the chances? Must be another Hard Times News.
TS: And it looks like the profile picture of that page is actually a picture of you listening to my new album with fake blood caked onto your ears.

HT: Oh wow. You certainly don’t miss a thing. Your fans weren’t lying about that. Meaning us! We are your fans. Just to be clear, we meant that mayonnaise jar thing as a compliment.
TS: Look, it honestly doesn’t bother me much. It’s just a lot of misogyny and people afraid to enjoy pop music without being considered “normies.” A bunch of losers who sleep on their parents’ couch.

HT: Agree with the first part. But just for accuracy’s sake, we wouldn’t necessarily call those people losers. Punks, maybe. But losers? Not quite. Also, those people have been moved out of their parents’ house for 3 months now. Just to keep the record straight.
TS: Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.

HT: So Taylor, we notice you have a lot of songs about this idea of “revenge.” Just out of curiosity, you don’t see yourself ever taking revenge on your haters or anything like that, right? We imagine you probably wouldn’t have the time for that.
TS: It’s not so much about one act of revenge as it is a slow, calculated process of wearing them down psychologically until they’re a shell of what they once were. This usually extends over the course of about three decades. It’s a very subtle art.

HT: Wow, that’s great.
TS: Yup.

HT: Okay, we’re sorry. Please. Have mercy.
TS: I’m not mad. In fact, all of this is going exactly according to plan.

We have to admit the rest of the interview got a little hazy as the walls began to close in on us and we felt ourselves spiraling into the early stages of a full-blown panic attack while Taylor Swift sat watching us with a triumphant smirk stretching across her face. We were even more shocked to learn from her producers that we had actually interviewed hologram Taylor Swift, while the real Taylor Swift was watching from a control room in a mansion three miles away. On the bright side, it looks almost indistinguishable from her except for a little glitch in the left arm that can easily be doctored up when we go to exploit the whole thing for Instagram clout.