Grandemil Reyes, Author at HARDTIMES

50 Serial Killers Ranked by How Annoying It Would Be To Play Them at Monopoly

Posted on September 21, 2023 by Dan Rice

We all know that the classic Parker Brothers board game Monopoly can bring out the worst in people. Friendships, relationships, and even familial bonds have ended on Park Place. With its potential to turn good people bad, imagine what effect it could have on the most despicable people to ever live.

We’ve compiled a list of some of the most deranged serial killers of all time and ranked them by how absolutely insufferable they would be playing Monopoly.

And it should go without saying, but this list mentions the violent crimes of all these killers, if you are sensitive to that material then we have a Seinfeld list that might be more up your alley.

50. Charles Manson

Technically Charlie is an honorary serial killer since we have no proof he actually killed anyone, but come on, he’s Manson, he’s in the conversation. He ranks last because frankly of all the deplorable people on this list, he’s your best shot at having a good time. He wouldn’t follow the rules of Monopoly or any rules for that matter, but he’s entertaining, he has acid and you might even get a Brian Wilson story or two.

49. John Wayne Gacy, The Killer Clown

He’s one of the worst of the worst people to ever live for sure, but he’s also an entertainer. He could probably be halfway pleasant through an evening of Monopoly if he were so inclined, just throw him some KFC and he should behave,

48. Rodney Alcala, The Dating Game Killer

Creepy, opinionated, and responsible for the deaths of anywhere from 10-130 people, Rodney’s a bad guy, but we have actually seen him play a game before, and although he was so weird off camera the contestant refused to go through with the date, he was charming enough to win.

47. Elizabeth Bathory

There’s just enough spooky horse girl in us to think meeting Elizabeth Bathory would be pretty cool.

46. Edmund Kemper, The Co-Ed Killer

Kemper’s crimes are insanely gruesome, culminating in the murder, decapitation, and corpse humiliation of his own mother, but at least he’s honest. He called the police to confess his crimes, and when they didn’t believe him he called them back to say “No, seriously, come arrest me.” He would probably make the best banker out of anyone on the list.

45. Jack The Ripper

We have no idea who Jack The Ripper was so honestly there’s no telling how annoying he would be at Monopoly, but you could probably write a cool song about it.

44. David Berkowitz, The Son Of Sam

Cons: After a schizophrenic episode he murdered a bunch of people at the behest of his dog, whom he believed to be the avatar of an ancient god.
Pros: He has a dog!

43. Aileen Wuornos

There are so few female American serial killers that it feels messed up to call the most prolific one “annoying.”

42. Jeffrey Dahmer, The Milwaukee Cannibal

Between ‘90s nostalgia and the fact that he’s a total hunk, we wouldn’t say no to a game of Monopoly with Dahmer.

41. Paul John Knowles, The Casanova Killer

Another handsome charmer, as long as you don’t follow him passed GO to a second location you should be okay playing Monopoly with The Casanova Killer. Keep in mind he did go out wrestling a cop for his gun, so you might wanna just let him win.

40. Jack Unterweger

Okay, we’re just gonna say it, this guy is interesting! Born in Australia he committed murders in four different countries in the ‘60s and ‘70s. He got busted for one in Austria in ‘74 and went to prison, where he started a writing career. The Austrian literary elite loved his writing so much that they petitioned to have him released, and it worked! He went on to become a playwright for a while before getting bored and going back to murdering. Anyway, he must have a million stories, and game night seems like a perfect chance to hear some.

39. Carl Panzram

If you’ve read any of his writing, you know that a board game night with Carl Panzram wouldn’t be all that different from a board game night with any given grindcore frontman. That still sounds annoying, but not without a certain kitsch appeal.

38. Beverley Allitt

She killed a bunch of babies as a hospital nurse, so if she pulls that “Pay Hospital Bill” card with the Monopoly guy holding twin newborns shit could hit the fan fast.

37. Albert Desalvo, The Boston Strangler

Forget the fact that he killed 13 women in 2 years, the fact that he’s from Boston is all you need to know to be sure Albert Desalvo would be annoying to play Monopoly with or even be around.

36. Moses Sithole, The ABC Killer

He committed a series of brutal rapes and murders while managing a shell organization dedicated to fighting child abuse. Anyone capable of that level of cognitive dissonance is for sure going to try cheating at a child’s board game.

35. Harold Shipman, Dr. Death

It can be highly irritating to play a kid’s game with an educated professional. They often can’t accept the fact that their perceived intellectual superiority doesn’t equate to winning, and can lash out. They aren’t all like that of course, but this one killed 250 people, so he’s probably like that.

34. Kenneth Bianchi, The Hillside Strangler

A failed cop who targeted New York sex workers in the ‘50s and is still alive. Can’t wait to hear his politics on game night.

33. Wayne Williams

An aspiring music producer and alleged child mass murderer. We could tolerate a game night with one or the other but not both.

32. Ed Gein, The Butcher Of Plainfield

He would have zero interest in the game and would try to segue the whole evening into a crafts night. He won’t be dissuaded when you tell him you don’t have any craft materials on hand either… you ARE the craft materials!

31. Samuel Little

Little’s got the most confirmed kills out of any serial killer in U.S. history, so you know he’s a big competition freak.

30. Ottis Toole

Ottis may or may not be a serial killer. He was the accomplice of Henry Lee Lucas and corroborated a lot of his confessions, many of which were proven to be lies. It’s never fun playing a board game with a liar, but he’s a good friend, and that has to count for something.

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How To Tell Your White Friend You Don’t Like Wilco

Posted on September 21, 2023 by Lana Kim

It’s happened. The day has come. Your beloved white friend has asked you to give their favorite Wilco album a listen. They have sworn up and down that they’re just like Cake and while you’re not so sure, you give it a listen to humor them. It is, predictably, absolutely awful.

So how do you tell them? Do you come out and say it? Do you use a message in a bottle, or perhaps a carrier pigeon? Worry not. This doesn’t need to be hard, and I will hold your hand as we decode the caucasian psyche together.

Tone and Tact

The cultural hurdles set up by white people are numerous, but using the few things we do know about their behavior, this can be a painless conversation. To avoid any faux pas, you may want to avoid mentioning a passionate and incandescent hatred for Wilco—white people are known to startle when their opinions are not enthusiastically agreed with. You cannot rely on their inherent prohibitive shame nor their frequent oblivion to save you from an outburst. You’ll want to remain impartial, detached, and prepared for the worst.

Location, location, location

It’s important to recognize that where you are can impact the outcome of a potential conflict. White people are often soothed by the presence of other white people, so you will want to immerse your friend in a comforting and familiar environment before dropping the news. This will also reduce the likelihood of loud white fussing. I recommend a boutique coffee house in a gentrified neighborhood, or perhaps a particularly narrow aisle of the Trader Joe’s frozen food section.

Compromise

Another thing you can do is meet your friend in the middle. Invite them to your local open mic night, or share your favorite Spoon vinyl. Offering a compromise can make your friend feel less like you are rejecting their taste, and more like you’re “fucking stupid” and can’t appreciate good music when you hear it.

Distraction

Like small dogs or seagulls, the average white person’s attention span is short lived. You can easily distract them from the fact that you simply cannot fucking stand Wilco. Some things to try could be asking their thoughts on Timothee Chalamet’s Willy Wonka, or asking them to help you decide between apple spice and vanilla pumpkin for your seasonal candle selection.

Classic White Guilt

The most important thing you can do here is relieve your white friend of any hurt by blaming yourself for not enjoying Wilco. By turning the conversation into one of your own shortcomings, your white friend will be able to tap into their ancestral savior complex to tell you that no really, it’s totally ok, and that they sort of figured it would go over your head anyways.

Every Nada Surf Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on September 21, 2023 by Anthony Vito

Having a novelty hit in the ‘90s is a sticky situation. Most one-hit wonders of that era have long since faded into karaoke catalog legend, while many of the more tenacious rock bands continue to tread the state fair circuit on packaged nostalgia tours. New York City power pop trio Nada Surf were just a little hipper than the rest of the pack, though, riding off the momentum of their 1996 teenage navel-gazing anthem “Popular” and reinventing themselves as one of the most beloved indie bands of our generation. Here are all their albums in a very particular order.

8. The Proximity Effect (1998)

Despite being punch drunk from their round in the major label ring, the band’s sophomore outing still delivers a few good swings in the peppy lead single “Hyperspace,” the moody “Bacardi” and the 6/8 time dirge of “Firecracker.” Overall though, “The Proximity Effect” comes off as a bit uneven and overlong. Supposedly Elektra Records was so unhappy with this one that they didn’t even release it in the States, which is some serious schoolyard bully shit. Maybe (absolutely) Ian MacKaye had a point all along.

Play it again: “Hyperspace”, “Bacardi”
Skip it: Dispossession

7. High/Low (1996)

This is the one with the song everybody knows. More than aptly produced by the legendary Ric Ocasek, the band’s debut LP boasts some great performances, particularly from the rock solid rhythm section of bassist Daniel Lorca and drummer Ira Elliot. The “low” in “High/Low” comes in the form of vocalist Matthew Caws’ often childish and obtuse lyrics. “I can see, the things she does for me. I’m living in a treehouse.” Huh?

Play it again: “Treehouse” (it’s actually a cool song)
Skip it: You probably don’t need to hear “Popular” again.

Honorable mention: If I Had a HiFi (2010)

This can technically be considered a studio album in that it was indeed recorded in a studio, but the songs are all covers, so we’ll only mention it honorably. The band made it a point here to perform every track in a very Nada Surf style, to varying results. Something gets lost in the sauce with their flat arrangements of Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence” and the Moody Blues’ “Question,” but they land a bullseye with an excellent take on “Love and Anger” by Kate Bush. Maybe wedding band isn’t in the cards as a retirement plan for these guys, but that’s okay, we have Me First and the Gimme Gimmes for that.

Play it again: “Love and Anger”
Skip it: “Enjoy the Silence”

6. Never Not Together (2020)

Nada Surf is the type of band that you wouldn’t blame for mellowing out with age, but maybe they went a little TOO mellow with their 2020 outing. It’s cool though, because this dropped literally a month before Covid hit, and we needed a little something to take the edge off our “Tiger King” binge. Caws even gives us a fun nod to “Popular” on the bridge of “Something I Should Do” with a stream-of-consciousness spoken word rant about… farms and social media?

Play it again: “So Much Love”
Skip it: “So Much Love – Acoustic”

5. You Know Who You Are (2016)

Around this time, the band decided to level up their street cred and invite Guided By Voices guitarist Doug Gillard into the fold as the fourth wheel, and the results are every bit as awesome as you’d expect. Selections such as the driving title track and “New Bird” feature a nice extra bite in the guitar section, while “Out of the Dark” and “Victory’s Yours” provide all those warm, fuzzy, flannel sheets on the first morning of fall feels that you’ve come to rely on this band for.

Play it again: “Out of the Dark”
Skip it: “Friend Hospital”

4. The Stars Are Indifferent to Astronomy (2013)

The band’s first release with Gillard on second guitar and the fuzz gets cranked up to 11 on selections like the “Clear Eye, Clouded Mind” and “Looking Through,” evoking the youthful energy of “High/Low” while “When I Was Young” and “Teenage Dreams” balance it all out through a wizened middle age gaze. This is the record you might be able to sneak on when you’re with your punk friends and not get beat up for it.

Play it again: “Looking Though”, “Teenage Dreams”
Skip it: No skips on this one. Enjoy the ride.

3. The Weight Is a Gift (2005)

In a perfect world where all is good and just, Nada Surf would be best remembered for “Always Love,” the impossibly perfect lead single that earned the band a much-deserved second wind of popularity in the mid-aughts. But much like those pictures of you in your Marilyn Manson phase, the sins of the ‘90s can never be fully washed clean. Anyway, the rest of this album is damn near perfect too, except for “Blankest Year,” a strange anemic hoe-down in which Caws unconvincingly proclaims “ahh fuck it, I’m gonna have a party.” It’s almost like hearing a priest drop an F-bomb in his sermon. It feels a little uncouth and embarrassing.

Play it again: “Always Love”
Skip it: “Blankest Year”

2. Lucky (2008)

It’s no surprise that the band often leans heavily on this record in their live sets. These 11 tracks were written for the sold-out rooms and festival main stages they rightfully earned. The chords are big and sparkly and the hooks are sharp on standout tracks like “Beautiful Beat” and the post-emo crowd favorite “Weightless.” This album should be issued to every burgeoning indie band as an example of how to be radio-friendly without coming off as totally cringe.

Play it again: “Weightless”
Skip it: “Here Goes Something” (we don’t need to bring country into this)

1. Let Go (2003)

If you can’t relate to the line “I’m just a happy kid, stuck with the heart of a sad punk,” then you probably have no use for this publication. After finally breaking their corporate shackles, the band signed on with Seattle indie Barsuk Records and spread their wings like a sweet little corduroy-clad butterfly on this collection of bittersweet bangers. Upbeat jams like “Hi-Speed Soul” and “The Way You Wear Your Head” sit beside slow-burning anthems like “Inside of Love” and “Killian’s Red.” We’re even treated to a French lesson by Lorca on “Là Pour Ça.” Legend has it that the band paid for this recording session in $1 and $5 bills, which only serves to prove that money can indeed buy happiness.

Play it again: “Inside of Love,” “Killians Red”
Skip it: Skip right over to the record store and buy this thing on vinyl.

Punk’s Deathbed Technically a Futon

Posted on September 21, 2023 by Patrick Coyne

DURHAM, N.C. — Allegedly ill punk Tommy Donnelly has taken to his deathbed, which is also his roommate’s used futon, with only enough strength to occasionally go to the fridge and grab a beer, dubious ambulatory sources confirmed.

“Obviously, I knew I would die someday, but before this moment it didn’t feel real. Death comes for us all, I suppose,” explained the ailing Donnnelly while casually scrolling through his phone. “This thrift store IKEA futon I guess is as good a place as any to pass on. Could use an extra pillow or whatever, but I don’t wanna be a bother. Still, if I have to go out, I’m lucky to be surrounded by my loved ones, as well as my Adderall dealer, and my roommate’s boyfriend, Glen. Who won’t even loan me 60 bucks, he’s such a chode.”

Donnelly’s roommate, Aleeza Ramos, was suspicious of his affliction.

“I don’t even think he’s actually dying. I think he’s just got food poisoning from eating that recalled Banquet frozen turkey dinner even after I told him not to. Now he’s pretending he’s dying so I don’t kick his ass for shitting himself all over my futon,” said Ramos. “He also keeps trying to bequeath his vintage ‘Food Fighters’ toys to me but he’s intentionally pronouncing it ‘be-queef’ while snickering to himself. Pretty sure actual dying people don’t joke about pussy farts.”

Local thrift story purveyor Jonathan “Shifty” Browning explained how death goes hand-in-hand with second hand futons.

“Oh yeah, well I’d say that the majority of furniture we sell has had someone die on it,” said Browning. “Or at the very least, a corpse had been placed on it at some point. If you’ve ever passed out on punk house porch couch, rest assured that shit is haunted and likely covered in stains spanning the full spectrum of human bodily fluids. Is it gross? Definitely. But does that make it an integral part of our city’s punk scene history? Not really. I mean, sure, if that makes you feel better. I dunno.”

At press time, Donnelly has spent the last hour periodically announcing “here comes another death rattle” before lifting his leg and farting.

Man Shouting “I Don’t Want To Be Here Anymore!” At Rise Against Show Not Requesting A Song

Posted on September 21, 2023 by Steve Esparra

CHICAGO — Local man Ben Schneebly was heard shouting “I don’t want to be here anymore!” over and over again at a recent Rise Against show with no apparent intent of getting the band to play the song, concerned witnesses confirmed.

“Not sure what’s so hard to understand. It’s not like I’m yelling ‘Freebird’ I’m just letting everyone know that the show is a little packed, the venue smells, and my feet are starting to hurt,” said Schneebly. “I want to make it perfectly clear that this isn’t a cry for help, more like a declaration of intent. I’m not depressed or anything, it’s not like I’m planning on leaving here and driving my car straight into a quarry. I just really wanna beat the traffic out of here, so I’m listening with one foot out the door.”

Tim McIlrath, Rise Against frontman and alleged member of the domestic terrorist group “Nowhere Generation,” says he heard the man bellowing out between songs but didn’t know how to help.

“I feel for the guy, I often feel the same way after the fourth song. Most of the time I’d like to have a quiet night in, but I have to go scream at strangers,” said McIlrath. “I mean, we haven’t played that song in over a year because we didn’t want to send mixed messages to the crowd. It got to the point where fans thought we didn’t want to be around them specifically and it left everyone in a bad mood. We love playing live, we do, but a 15-20 minute set would be ideal so we can be in bed before midnight.”

Schneebly’s therapist Dr. Joy Smith graciously violated her confidentiality agreements to discuss her patient’s mental state.

“Ned has shown this behavior before, unfortunately,” Dr. Smith said, checking her notes on Schneebly’s Iliad-sized file. “He has confessed to me that while attending a BTBAM show, he couldn’t stop himself from exclaiming ‘More of myself to kill!’ He even stated in our first session back in 2012 that his reason for seeing me was his inability to see Every Time I Die without crying out ‘Home is where you hang yourself!’ Which, let’s be honest, they would have never played live. May they rest in peace.”

After the show, Schneebly could be seen taping cut-out letters from magazines to form an incomplete message that just read “I have a Chamber in the Cartridge and I’m Ready to Fall because nothing is Worth Dying For.”

The Top 30 ChatGPT Generated Movies Coming Out Next Year

Posted on September 20, 2023 by Dan Rice

Movies. They just keep getting more profitable, and thus better. There’s just one problem. A small, insignificant faction of the people who make you the movies, namely every single writer and actor (boooo, hiss,) have refused to work until we the suits start treating them like human beings and guarantee their involvement in the process going forward.

Fear not movie fans! Though our plan to wean movie making off of costly, vestigial, antiquated things like “human involvement” could have used a few more years to cook, we’re confident that after some light legal maneuvering over who owns the rights to what’s own face, we have all the tools we need to move forward!

With ChatGPT cranking out the scripts and casting, our AI animators are already hard at work bringing you an uncanny valley of blockbusters for 2024! And don’t worry, we told the robot that you people like diversity, so don’t @ us, lolz. That’s a thing, right?

30. Timeless Love

Synopsis: A history-loving influencer (Emma Stone) stumbles upon a series of love letters from the past and becomes obsessed with finding their author (Matthew McConaughey) in a TikTok-worthy time-travel adventure that will have you at the edge of your 18-45 year-old demographic seat, celebrating diversity.

Wow, edge-of-your-seat romance AND diversity? Sorry SAG-AFTRA, date night is back on!

29. Ghost Hunters

Synopsis: A bunch of bumbling ghost hunters (Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Jonah Hill) accidentally unleash a gaggle of mischievous spirits in a haunted mansion, creating hilarious Snapchat-worthy chaos, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of the supernatural and promoting diversity.

Don’t even try to tell us that our algo doesn’t know what diversity means, Seth Rogen and Kristen Wiig look nothing alike! That’s probably why it threw Jonah Hill in there, to bridge the divide. Oh, apparently Jonah is bad now? Well, that’s okay, it’s not him, just his likeness. See, we can have it both ways now!

28. Innocent Lies

Synopsis: A world-famous shrink (Meryl Streep) gets caught in a web of deception when her patient (Cate Blanchett) confesses to a murder that may or may not have happened. Is it all just a viral TikTok prank gone wrong, with a little something for Daddy’s fascination with the multiverse and a nod to diversity?

Diversity AND a little something for daddy? Sounds like a four-quadrant hit with award consideration potential! Everyone loves Meryl Streep, and they’re going to love our computer generated likeness of her even more! She’s been de-aged, airbrushed, and doesn’t have the same pesky human needs like time off and water that the real Meryl is so obsessed with! #sorrynotsorry #youpeoplelikehashtagsright?

27. Space Pirates

Synopsis: A charismatic space pirate (Chris Hemsworth) recruits a diverse crew (Zendaya, John Boyega, and Zoe Saldana) for an epic heist in the galactic underworld, all while flexing their interstellar swagger, plus a little something for the boys who love action-packed adventures and laser karate, and a commitment to diversity.

It’s “Guardians of the Galaxy” meets “Star Wars!” Wait those are like the same thing. Uh… It’s a new thing!

26. Melody’s Magical Music Box

Synopsis: Melody (voiced by Ansel Elgort), a young musician, stumbles upon a magical music box that brings his compositions to life. However, he must decide between fame and the enchanting world he’s discovered within the music box, leading to a heartwarming journey of self-discovery and the power of music. Zoomers, experience a musical adventure that will resonate with your generation and become part of the financially lucrative fandom of Pixar’s enchanting tales!

This one is gonna tug at your heartstrings because we have literally reduced emotional manipulation to a cold science.

25. The Last Survivor

Synopsis: A lone survivor (Tom Hanks) must navigate a post-apocalyptic wasteland, seeking fellow Zoomers and the ultimate viral comeback in a world gone viral (in a different sense), exploring themes of isolation and a lack of sexuality, all while promoting diversity.

Okay I’ll be the first to admit the CGI Tom Hanks needs work, but the story, uh.. hey, Tom Hanks is in it!

24. Undercover Operatives

Synopsis: Two rival undercover agents (Ryan Reynolds, Charlize Theron) must join forces to stop an international terrorist threat, complete with TikTok disguises, SnapMap espionage, and Instagram-worthy showdowns, all while keeping you at the edge of your 18-45-year-old demographic seat and celebrating diversity, daddy.

Always need a little something for the diversity daddies.

23. Lost in Translation 2

Synopsis: Middle-aged Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson) and Bob (Bill Murray) reunite in Tokyo for an Insta-worthy journey to reconnect and reflect on life’s #Adulting struggles, with a little something for daddy’s nostalgia and cerebral reflection, and a commitment to diversity.

Okay apparently ChatGPT isn’t up to date on people’s perception of Bill Murray, but again, it’s not really him! That’s the beauty of all this! We could make another Bill Cosby movie and you could watch it guilt-free!

22. The Forgotten Heir

Synopsis: A young Zoomer (Emma Watson) discovers her magical heritage and embarks on an Insta-fabulous quest with a wise wizard (Ian McKellen) to reclaim her kingdom and become a true #Queen, delving into themes of destiny and the multiverse, all while celebrating diversity.

When we were still doing things the old-fashioned way, the last thing I pitched was “We need another Emma Watson movie with magic lightning and such.” ChatGPT, you’ve made a worthless old out-of-touch executive very proud today.

21. Vigilante Justice

Synopsis: A retired cop (Liam Neeson) takes law and justice into his own hands when his daughter (Emily Blunt) gets caught in a real-life drama filled with Reddit-worthy twists, with a little something for the boys who love vigilante action and suspense, and a commitment to diversity.

My whole problem with the movie “Taken” was the name, “Taken.” What is taken? Who is taken? Will said thing or person be taken back, and if so, will it be within the bounds of the law? With a title like “Vigilante Justice” the audience knows exactly what to expect. For my money ChatGPT is already running laps around you “writers.”

20. The Quantum Paradox

Synopsis: A genius physicist (Natalie Portman) communicates with her future self (Rachel McAdams) in a trippy TikTok trend, leading to mind-blowing, time-bending consequences, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of time travel, with a commitment to diversity.

It’s part “Annihilation,” part “Arrival,” and that’s it those are the two parts. That will be $15.

19. City of Shadows

Synopsis: A hardcore detective (Idris Elba) investigates bizarre murders in a dystopian city, exposing conspiracy theories that will leave Zoomers with goosebumps and cryptic emoji messages, and a little something for the boys who love mystery and suspense, and a commitment to diversity.

Wow, Idris Elba?! You love him! And notice how the computer made him a hardcore detective instead of regular? It gets you!

18. The Art of Forgiveness

Synopsis: A hashtag-trending father (Brad Pitt) and son (Timothée Chalamet) bond through their shared love for art, mending old wounds and inspiring a new generation of #FamilyGoals, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of family dynamics, and promoting diversity.

I don’t talk about this a lot, but I actually grew up in a very moody and cerebral family, so this one gave me goosebumps. Sure, those are two of the buzzwords we fed into the bot, but wow, ChatGPT, you know how to cut to the core of me.

17. Mystic Isle

Synopsis: A young explorer (Lily James) stumbles upon a hidden island with magical creatures and falls in love with a merman (Harry Styles) in an enchanting Insta-story romance, complete with laser karate, and a celebration of diversity.

Wait, we didn’t make this? I could have sworn we already made this.

16. The Time Traveler’s Journal

Synopsis: A trendy librarian (Cate Blanchett) uncovers a mysterious journal that lets her witness historical events IRL, leading to an epic YouTube-worthy quest for answers, all while exploring the cerebral and moody side of time travel, and promoting diversity.

Not enough has been said about the cerebral and moody side of time travel. ChatGPT, you truly hold up the mirror.

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Climate Scientists Warn Blue Album Could Be Completely Red by 2035

Posted on September 20, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

LAFAYETTE, Ind. — Leading climate analysts at Purdue University are warning that global warming could cause Weezer’s Blue Album to be entirely red by 2035, sources confirmed amid debating their favorite tracks off the record.

“Well, just as we all feared, the increase of the Earth’s temperatures will one day cause mass reddening, the hottest of all the colors, of the cool blues and greens of the world. Unfortunately, this will affect the seminal Weezer album, which we surmise could be a deep crimson by as early as 2035,” said Purdue’s Dr. Milners Chase. “And, by that metric, even a few years after that, the boys’ clothes will be transformed to cut-offs and crop tops too, to deal with the extreme heat of the surrounding ‘hot redness.’ After that, well, it’s just gonna be four grinning skeletons on there unless we act quick.”

Weezer members are decidedly unenthused about the alarming news.

“I have so many questions, but I fear the answers. What will this mean for my precious songs, y’know? Will the waves in ‘Surf Wax America’ now be too high, and lead to dangerous monsoons and hurricanes?” fretted frontman Rivers Cuomo, whose glasses were already fogging up from the unseasonable humidity. “And what will this mean for 2008’s The Red Album, shouldn’t the fans of that one be notified just how red that one’s going to get? Just kidding, I know no one cares about that album.”

Outspoken climate change denier Hess Allen Limpert offered his perspective on the album’s impending hue mutation.

“Ain’t nothing wrong with the Blue Album heating up a little, and in fact it will make the songs even better. Some of them tracks could use a little fire under ‘em, that’s what I say. Hell, increased redness will inject it with a little more of a country twang, which will play big in the midwest,” said a lounging Limpert. “Change ‘Buddy Holly’ to the Beverly Hillbillies’ ‘Buddy Ebsen,’ switch out ‘The Sweater Song’ with ‘Motor Oil Stained T-Shirt Song.’ Hey, if you ask me, the only thing that should be ‘In the Garage’ is a couple beat-up pickup trucks and a fridge of cold domestic beer.”

As more research was gathered, climate officials warned that by the end of the decade, the Arctic Monkeys will have to be referred to as simply the Monkeys.

Every Bad Brains Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on September 20, 2023 by Adam Frost-Venrick

To put it simply, Bad Brains is one of the most important bands of all time. Stylistically inventive players who dabble in punk, reggae, hip-hop, funk and metal and whose influence can be found on everyone from Guns N’ Roses to Rage Against the Machine, they’ve left quite a legacy, with the four main members of the group (H.R., Dr. Know, Darryl Jenifer & Earl Hudson) all carving a definite place in Rock history. But how do their albums measure up? Well, read on to find out and broaden your Bad little Brain. Soon enough, you’ll be able to keep up with the world’s leading Rasta-expert: Mr. Chet Hanks.

9. Quickness (1989)

This album seems to be a bit of a regression from the earlier Bad Brains material. The punk’s a bit harder, but it’s also… sloppier, somehow. The anger feels like it’s been replaced by spleen-venting. And, of course, we should talk about the elephant in the room that is “Don’t Blow Bubbles,” a song that has had a really problematic legacy of homophobia, suggesting that if you “don’t blow bubbles” and “don’t blow spikes,” AIDS would not exist. To the Bad Brains’ credit, in the years since the song came out, the band has distanced itself from the song, and re-releases of the album do not feature it. That being said, even with “Don’t Blow Bubbles” out of the mix, there’s still something less than enchanting about this album when listened to alongside its predecessors. It’s not the worst thing ever, but it does feel an underwhelming shout from the late 1980s. Not unlike the presidency of George H.W. Bush.

Play it again: “Gene Machine/Don’t Bother Me”
Skip it: “Don’t Blow Bubbles”

8. God of Love (1995)

After bouncing around different frontmen throughout the late-’80s and early-’90s, Bad Brains reclaimed original vocalist H.R. for this rocking, rap-inflected mid-90s album. And the result, much like a haircut from a coked-out barber, is sadly uneven. Now don’t get me wrong. You have to respect Bad Brains for playing around with style. After almost twenty years of existence, the willingness to play with different genres and styles (hip-hop specifically) is commendable. Better that than be the musical equivalent of the adults who only eat pasta and Chipotle for every meal. But it doesn’t save “God of Love” from its cardinal sin. It’s honestly just kind of boring. From the start, on songs like “Cool Mountaineer” you almost get the sense their hearts aren’t in it. The rap on songs like “Justice Keepers” is as nosy and intrusive as a Human Resources representative and the energy is lethargic throughout.

Play it again: “Long Time”
Skip it: “Darling I Need You”

7. I & I Survived (2002)

“Quickness” and “God of Love” are really the only two Bad Brains albums I can’t, in good conscience, recommend. But for newcomers, there’s something tricky in “I & I Survived.” That’s not to say it’s a bad album. It’s not. It is, however, an album without a lead vocalist. Israel Joseph I was long gone and H.R. had split yet again, leaving the band down to a nearly all-instrumental core trio in Darryl Jenifer, Earl Hudon and Dr. Know. The three come together to create a slow-going reggae and ska-based album. With that in mind, it’s difficult not to see Jenifer (on bass) as the hero of this album, but really the group plays perfectly together, with Jenifer and Dr. Know doing most of the arrangements for both the new and covered songs (“I & I Survive” and “Gene Machine” both appear here.) This album is perfect for when you just need to chill out, maybe relax, study, and, certainly not do schedule-one narcotics to.

Play it again: “Jah Love”
Skip it: “How Low Can a Punk Get”

6. Rise (1993)

Ah, the ‘90s. The very end of history has been attained. And so has a brand new frontman for Bad Brains in the form of Israel Joseph I. With Joseph, the band took on another new sound. The screaming, wailing hardcore disruption of H.R. had been replaced with steady grooving, funk-infused hard-rock. On the surface, “Rise” is not dramatically different from a lot of other ‘90s rock albums. It’s just a bit better. Songs like “Love is the Answer” retain the band’s reggae spirit, while “Free” and “Hair” create an accessible new kind of rock sound for the band, and songs like “Coming in Numbers” and “Miss Freedom” harken back to the punk roots. This album is perfect for slipping back into a ‘90s frame of mind. Perfect for counting down the return of “King of the Hill,” “Frasier” and most likely, hantavirus.

Play it again: “Love Is the Answer” and “Hair”
Skip it: “Peace of Mind”

5. Into the Future (2012)

Thirty years and eight albums since the original “Bad Brains,” “Into the Future” marks a kind of synthesis of everything the band had been playing with up to that point. The punk is abrasive, the funk is infectious, the guitar is utterly phenomenal, the bass and drums are delicious, the vocals are spot on. The “boyfriend” seems nice and the girls seem to have eaten their spaghetti and meatballs. The whole album has an ambitious playfulness to it, with song titles like “Popcorn” and “Rub a Dub Love.” A definite recommend. The fact that it’s this low on the list just shows that when this group is good, they’re very good.

Play it again: “Popcorn”
Skip it: “Come Down”

4. Build a Nation (2007)

A true comeback album for the ages. H.R., Daryl Jenifer, Dr. Know, and Earl Hudson are back in the studio together (under the eye of the Beastie Boys’ MCA) and the album sounds incredible. “Build a Nation” has drive, focus, thematic consistency, and energy for days. Like a research paper written by a teenage Ritalin addict. “Build a Nation” focuses heavily on the spiritual themes that the Bad Brains have been playing with since the beginning. Songs like “Jah People Make the World Go Round” and “Give Thanks and Praises” both abound with electric holiness in an incredibly catchy way. But the album also harkens back to the group’s early days with songs like “Let There Be Angels (Just Like You)” and “In the Beginning.”

Play it again: “Jah People Make the World Go Round” and “Natty Dreadlocks ‘pon the Mountain Top”
Skip it: “Send You No Flowers”

3. Rock For Light (1983)

If the self-titled debut is staticky, hissing and insane, “Rock For Light” is… well, it’s those things too. Of course. But it’s just a little bit less. It’s a bit calmer. A bit more polished. There’s a little bit more reggae on here and redone covers of the band’s earlier songs that, while a bit more tidy and engineered, still manage to hit pretty hard. This album also touches more prominently on the band’s Rastafarian background with songs like “I and I Survive” and “The Meek” both taking on a more reggae-heavy sound and delving directly into social concerns.

Play it again: “I and I Survive” and “The Meek”
Skip it: “Joshua’s Song”

2. I Against I (1986)

An influence on acts like Sublime and Rage Against the Machine, there are many interesting things about the third Bad Brains album. Not the least of which is that the title track was covered by Jeff Buckley, thus bridging the gap between hardcore punk fans and people who think that poetry counts as foreplay. “I Against I” also shows something new for the band. There’s a proto-’90s groove on tracks like “Re-Ignition” and “House of Suffering” that adds a hookiness that wasn’t there on the first two albums, and full-blown pop-rock tendencies on “She’s Calling You” and “Secret 77,” which is either great or terrible depending on what kind of punk you are.

Play it again: “Re-Ignition” and “She’s Calling You”
Skip it: No skip album.

1. Self-Titled (1982)

The Alpha. The Omega. The absolute GOAT. Whether you’ve listened to any Bad Brains before today or you’re just clicking on this article out of a sense of bored curiosity, you’ve definitely seen the iconic “lightning striking the capitol building” cover art before. This album is nearly perfect. There’s a lot of excellent stuff on here with songs like “Attitude” and “F.V.K. (Fearless Vampire Killers)” feeling like a raging punk tornado, while more reggae-inflected songs like “Jah Calling” harken back to the band’s Rastafarian-roots. Mostly though, the songs are fast, they’re angry, and often H.R.’s antagonistic falsetto blends the lyrics into pure banshee-like wailing. Like a smoothie made of barbed wire. (Go pick up this classic in our store)

Play it again: “Right Brigade” and “Leaving Babylon”
Skip it: No skip album

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Frontman With Sudden Bout of Stage Fright Says It’s Because the Crowd Is So Unbelievably Attractive

Posted on September 20, 2023 by The Hard Times Staff

SARASOTA, Fla. — Davey Lincoln, frontman for regionally popular pop-punk band It’s Not a Tumor, claimed a sudden bout of performance anxiety was due to the fact he couldn’t believe such an attractive crowd was willing to watch him play, confirmed multiple sources.

“This has never happened before. Usually I’m out on stage gyrating around, really giving it to them, but tonight was different,” said Lincoln from the green room. “I saw all these hot people waiting for me to grab that stiff microphone and I panicked. I tried to get them to clap their hands to see if that did anything for me and it ended up making things worse. They all seemed pretty cool with it, they said I had nothing to worry about, but I think they were just being polite. I let them know I just needed like 20 minutes to reset and then we could try again.”

Showgoer Amy Stewart was one of the many crowd members who tried to comfort Lincoln.

“You could tell it was really stressing him out. He offered to make it up to the audience by giving everyone backrubs, but that’s just not the same when you are in the mood for real action,” said Stewart. “We tried everything to get him to relax, we jumped around a bunch, we even tried singing some of his lyrics while he watched to see if that helped, but it was no use. After about five minutes he grabbed his water and went backstage. It was disappointing, but my ex-boyfriend’s band was playing nearby so I ended up going to that show and having a good time.”

Dr. Sydney Lawrence, a psychologist who has worked with some of the biggest names in music, says there are certain medications musicians can use in order to perform.

“It’s called cocaine, do a few rails of that and you are off to the races. You won’t give a fucking shit what anyone thinks. Your energy will be through the roof, your between-song banter will be out of this world, and your bandmates will struggle to keep up,” said Lawrence. “I’ve been providing my patients with cocaine and various other drugs for nearly 40 years and it’s why they call me Dr. Rock, and also why I spent 6 years in a California state penitentiary during the ‘90s.”

At press time, Lincoln announced he was finally ready to take the stage after watching five minutes of hardcore pornography.

This Guy’s Girlfriend Really Does Live in Canada but He’s Still a Loser

Posted on September 20, 2023 by Bex Kane

Steve Carrington’s Canadian girlfriend. We’ve all heard this stuff before, but it’s so incredibly unbelievable that I genuinely thought Steve was joking for like a year. It honestly blew me away when he kept insisting that she really existed. Still, that was nothing compared to how shocked I was to learn that Chloe Long is real.

Perhaps most incredible of all is the fact that learning this didn’t actually improve my opinion of Steve, like, at all.

Steve Carrington, who I should emphasize has never been cool for a single moment of his goddamn life, really does have a super hot girlfriend who lives in Canada. She visited town last weekend, and honestly, she really seems great. I’m really happy for Steve, who once lost his shoe inside a revolving door and then the other shoe trying to get the first shoe back.

Chloe seems happy with Steve, despite his complete and utter lack of positive or even particularly interesting qualities. I know they don’t need my approval for their relationship, but I also know for a fact that when Steve was 17 he drove his mom’s car over a borrowed skateboard and claimed it “couldn’t handle his skills.” I don’t know if Chloe knows that story, or if it would change her opinion of him. I know that she should, and it ought to, but whatever.

I still don’t know if Steve and Chloe were actually dating when he started telling this story in middle school. It seems absolutely ridiculous, but fuck me, apparently, anything’s possible. If the story can be true when Steve is 31 and routinely gets ignored by bartenders, why couldn’t it be true when he was 14 and put a fake Smirnoff label on a plastic water bottle to try and impress us?

I just don’t know what to make of this. If we’re lucky, Chloe might visit more often in the future, which would make spending time with Steve way more bearable. The whole thing got me wondering about that other kid at school who kept talking about his “uncle who worked at Nintendo.” Nah, fuck you, Colin Fils-Aime, I still don’t believe you.