Summer has come to an end which means school is back in session and if you’re a student in America there’s always one fear top of mind: Leaving home without your shoes. Or is that just me? The next obvious answer is, of course, campus shootings.
It’s clear Congress refuses to act and we’ve already seen the police do the same. Who’s left to protect us? This got me thinking about the students and teachers at Greendale Community College. They’ve survived years of intense paintball tournaments, maniacal villain takeovers, and zombie-like foodborne illnesses.
If there’s anybody that can take on a limp-dick school shooter, it’s the Greendale Human Beings. So here are the Top 50 characters from NBC’s Community ranked by their ability to stop a campus shooter.
50. Dr. Ian Duncan
Okay, let’s face it. Ian Duncan is too self-involved to even care that a school shooting is taking place. He’ll already be home by the time the SWAT team arrives. But the more likely scenario is him not even being on campus due to a 3-day alcohol binge.
49. Buddy Austin
Buddy is that one guy on campus who, towards the end of the school year, appears out of nowhere and you ask yourself, “Has he been enrolled here this whole time?” He’s so forgettable that a campus shooter would walk right past him and not even realize he was there. If anything, Buddy’s looking to get shot just to fit in.
48. The Greendale Human Being
Nobody knows who inhabits the racially ambiguous, gray unitard-wearing, Human Being, but one thing is certain, due to his vision being obscured, he’ll knock himself out the moment he turns a corner.
47. Pierce Hawthorne
Pierce is the type of person who would push a handicapped person out of the way to get himself to safety. In a school shooting situation he would do one of two things, he’ll either grab a gun and join the shooter or he’ll pay the gunman a million dollars to spare his life but on the condition he also gets to shoot one student of his choosing.
46. Richie Countee and Carl Bladt
Sometimes authority figures can give the false illusion of safety and protection. That’s why if you were to run into Greendale School Board members Richie Countee and Carl Bladt, you should run the other way. They will only slow you down with their befuddled gaze when you try to warn them about the active shooter. They’ll assume you’re talking about alcohol and then ask you to point them in the direction of said “shots.”
45. Alex “Star-Burns” Osbourne
Stopping the gunman would not be one of Star-Burns’ priorities. He’d take the opportunity to start looting the campus of any valuables. He’d break into lockers, offices, and probably even wallets off of dead classmates. Because of the optics of his crimes, he would probably be charged as an accessory to the gunman.
44. Professor Eustice Whitman
It’s generally a good rule of thumb to not put your trust in happy-go-lucky people because oftentimes they’re full of shit. Professor Whitman unironically repeats the phrase “Carpe Diem,” which means that the moment he’s staring death in the face, he will crumble like the glorified fortune cookie aphorism he pretends to subscribe to. There will be a lot of tears and little seizing of the day.
43. Elroy Patashnik
Elroy would be one of the first to flee campus. He would jump in his RV and skip town, never to return. He’ll vow to never step foot in a “white man’s town” ever again.
42. Juergen
This German coward would be useless in this situation. He’ll use his two goons as a distraction to run away. That’s why you should never trust someone who plays foosball.
41. Professor Marion Holly
I have one rule I live by: Never trust a white guy in a dashiki. Especially one that’s repulsed by the Whoopi Goldberg classic “Ghost.” The only way Professor Holly would be of any use is if, for some strange reason, the gunman broke out in song and sang “Unchained Melody” by The Righteous Brothers.
40. Faux-by
Fake Moby and Dean Pelton impersonator, Faux-by, doesn’t have a mind of his own. If there’s nobody there to tell him what to do, he will freeze up and stand completely still, hoping people will mistake him for a house plant.
39. Craig Pelton
Despite being the Dean of Greendale Community College, Craig Pelton, will most likely lock himself in his office and scream until the loud noises stop. Only after the gunman is apprehended will he realize those fireworks he heard were actually an AR-15. His first thought will be how this affects Greendale’s reputation. His second thought is if Jeff Winger made it out unscathed.
38. Leonard Rodriguez
Leonard has hit that point in life where nothing matters. He lives life as if there’s no tomorrow because, well, he’s old as shit. If you think he’s gonna give two fucks about a gunman storming Greendale, you got another thing coming. The most Leonard will muster is a middle finger in the air while muttering, “Up yours, nerd,” as he continues to eat his chicken fingers.
37. Koogler
Sure, Koogler might be that cool teacher you brag to your friends about well into your late 30s who you have to continuously defend with phrases like, “Well, 2007 was a different time,” but unless you’re a beach blonde bombshell with “huge knockers” you better believe he won’t care about your fate.
36. Meghan
Meghan has the perfect combination of mean girl energy and self-loathing. This would make anyone think she’d be a worthy adversary against an impotent school shooter, however, her easy capitulation to Abed’s trash talk means that she’s all bark and no bite.
35. Rich Stephenson
Since Rich is exactly the type of person to hide a zombie bite, it’s obvious he’s always looking out for number one. He, undoubtedly, will use the nearest person as a human shield and then memorialize the poor soul as if he actually gave a shit about them.
34. Professor Cornwallis
Professor Cornwallis will be rather perturbed to fall victim to the failings of American gun regulation as he’s far too smart and British to be caught up in some little incel’s vengeance plot. He’ll remind everyone that the UK has very strict gun laws and has had only 2 school shootings since 1996.
33. Vaughn Miller
There’s no question in my mind that Vaughn would be the first to approach the gunmen, hoping his charm is persuasive enough to disarm him. But, unfortunately, “Yo bro-chacho, let’s hug it out” is the best he can come up with. After, inevitably, getting shot he utters his last words: “This is so not tight.”
32. Luis Guzman
Actor and Greendale alumni, Luis Guzman, has enough star power to make a gunman briefly stop and gush over his performance in 2000’s “Traffic.” Luis will get a free pass to safety and you best believe he’s gonna take it.
31. Britta Perry
Britta is known for being both pro-social justice and anti-establishment so she’s not afraid of telling the gunman like it is. She’ll equip herself with snide remarks about the gunman’s lack of female attention is due to deep seeded maternal issues, or, what she calls an “odysseus” complex. However, once she gets his attention she’ll quickly apologize before running away.
30. Subway
This corporate puppet has no clue how to act outside the bounds of his corpo-humanization handbook. He’ll be running around campus like a headless chicken, humming outdated Subway jingles and wondering out loud if Quiznos was behind this attack. Luckily for him, after the dust clears, Subway (the company) will likely settle out of court and pay him millions and millions of dollars.
If you’ve listened to this whole album, which we are willing to bet most of you haven’t, this probably comes as no surprise to you. We are all for bands experimenting with their sound, just not like this. The worst part about this whole thing is that the album doesn’t make us want to do anything the band suggests we do to it; except for die to, because then we wouldn’t have to hear it anymore.
This one features artists like YUNGBLUD, Nova Twins, and Amy Lee. It also has an appearance from BABYMETAL, a band with a strong following of middle-aged men who definitely only like the group for their musicianship and absolutely nothing else. The album starts off super strong with the fast, highly moshable track “Dear Diary,” but the vibe quickly shifts with whatever the hell “Parasite Eve” is. The rest of the album ebbs and flows until Amy Lee sends the listener off choked-up and teary-eyed, as she’s been known to do.
Not only did this album launch BMTH into the spotlight, it also made frontman Oli Sykes the heartthrob of every middle-school-aged girl with a Hot Topic aesthetic, and, speaking personally here, some middle-school-aged boys fitting the same description. While CYB certainly wasn’t doing anything new, it nailed a sound that many bands at the time were desperately trying to attempt. Thankfully, most “____core” bands from this era have either evolved or faded into obscurity. Let’s hope those that did never return.
The band’s second full-length was a true sophomore album in every sense. They showed growth but were still kinda immature and cringe. Between the music video for “Chelsea Smile” and the infamous “I partied naked with Bring Me The Horizon” merch drop, the boys seemed to be trying to craft this bizarre scene jock image. If you can look past that though, the album is still pretty solid.
This album has it all; riffs, breakdowns, sing-alongs, and dance tracks featuring Grimes. “amo” was, at the time, easily the band’s most ambitious release in terms of experimentation and blending genres; and it worked, really well. The commercial success of this one came as a surprise to many, with tracks like “medicine” even getting play in large grocery store chains, serving as a harsh reminder to former scenesters turned suburbanites that they used to be cool, and that those holes in their ears aren’t going to close.
Oli always, like, kind of sort of teased singing on previous releases, but “Sempiternal” was the album that would give him a new signature sound, and the band’s eventual Tik-Tok stardom (unbeknownst to literally everyone at the time.) What was obvious to most is that this was the album that would shape the band’s sound from here on out, which some liked, and others still aren’t over. “Sempiternal” also gave us the “this is sand pit turtle” meme, which is still funny as far as we’re concerned.
No one expected a band like Bring Me to put out an album that you could play in the car with your parents and they’d tolerate. And let’s face it, your parents have hated everything you’ve ever done since you decided to major in poetry in college. Put simply, this is a really good, accessible rock album. If you were still trying to gatekeep the band at this point, you really had your work cut out for you.
This album is so good that we are willing to overlook the annoyingly long title, but it was the style of the time after all. BMTH did the seemingly impossible with this one; evolved their sound in a way that even the metalcore purists could get down with. This release essentially came with an announcement that fans should expect the unexpected from them moving forward, and that whatever they decided to do, it would be good. Besides “Music To Listen To…” of course.
Typically an escape room will allow for more players than is really helpful. You don’t want too many cooks in the kitchen stepping all over each other. Uncle Bill is in town? Okay. Whatever other alcoholic he’s currently dating? They can sit this one out.
It is crucial that everyone on your team is on the same page at all times. You found a potential combo? Say it. You solved a lock? Tell everybody. You’ve always felt stifled by your mother’s fear of letting you spread your wings and you resent her? Well, no, you’re not going to say that. You’re just going to sit on that and let it fester and rot forever.
Sure you’re incapable of doing this with your children when it matters most, like when they try getting you to see them for who they are not who you want them to be, but you can do it in a puzzle room for an hour, right? Right?
Not only is ignoring the house rules potentially dangerous, it can be a huge waste of time. That door labeled “staff only” isn’t a red herring, so don’t try to open it! You’re kid saying “Stop asking me if I’m on drugs!” might actually have clinical depression, so stop trying to find their stash instead of getting them help!
You never know where something could be hiding, so look around! Maybe there’s a clue hiding under that jewelry box. Maybe that candelabra is a secret switch. Maybe that hug from your father is hiding under that rug.
Many escape rooms use basic combo locks that you could learn to pick on Youtube, but don’t. Not only is it cheating, but it can disrupt the natural flow of the game. It might feel like a victory in the moment, but it can make things harder and more confusing in the long run. It’s like when Dad bought everyone ice cream instead of apologizing for punching that hole in the wall.
Typically in an escape room, once you’ve used something you won’t use it again, so it’s helpful to make a “discard” pile to avoid wasting time. Keys and combos are like the trust between parent and child. Once you’ve exploited it, it’s done forever.
If you’ve found the first 3 numbers to a 4 digit lock but you just can’t find the 4th, don’t waste time looking! Just cycle through all 10 possibilities for the last number. And if you’ve tried every conceivable way of forcing your son to be interested in football, maybe just accept that they aren’t you!
An escape room is all about the experience. The most rewarding escapes are usually the ones that take the full hour. You’re here to have fun, not set records. Save that high-expectation pressure for shaming your daughter when she only gets into her backup school.
Most escape rooms are non-linear, with multiple puzzles that can be solved at the same time. Instead of everyone crowding around one lock, branch off and see what you can accomplish. It’s a great strategy for escape, and a great way to internalize “I am so much more without these people.”
We all have blind spots, so if you think you know how to solve a puzzle but you’re just not getting anywhere, try giving another member of your group a turn. Hey, that worked! Now, will you help your wife get the free time she needs to land that real estate license instead of trying and failing to open that bar forever? No? Hmm.
Anxiety won’t help you solve puzzles. It’s 15 minutes in and you haven’t solved anything? Stay calm. You’re 30 minutes in and you’re still in the first room? Stay calm. The thin veneer of a functional family is crumbling around you while a stranger watches on camera and judges you? Stay calm.
Keep used locks in one place and try to keep items that seem to be related close together. You don’t want this escape room turning into another illustration of your collective depression and turmoil, like the kitchen.
Your family really ought to know by now that this solves nothing.