Trump Softens on GWAR After Learning They Own Slaves 

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — A recent federal investigation into the theatrical rock group GWAR regarding their mock execution of Donald Trump on stage has been called off by Trump himself after the President learned that GWAR uses slave labor, sources close to the White House report. 

“I take threats against my life that I have not personally orchestrated very seriously,” the president explained in a lengthy post to Truth Social. “When GWAR staged a fake Trump execution, I thought ‘Who the hell are these jabronies?’ but having looked into the matter personally, I can assure you, there is no threat. GWAR are some great people, some fantastic people, especially their labor practices; I’m a huge fan of that. They look a little, you know, odd, but I can tell we’re going to be making some fantastic deals with GWAR. I mean, I’ve said it from day one: we should be friends with Scumdogia! They know how to get things done over there!”

Trump was likely alluding to GWAR’s “Slave Pit,” the tongue-in-cheek name given to the large roster of designers and crew members necessary to pull off their elaborate stage performances. 

“This is absolutely ridiculous!” said Slave Pit member Henry Kirch. “I mean it’s fucking ludicrous that this investigation happened in the first place; we were exercising our right to free speech as we always have, but now it’s only being dropped because Trump thinks we’re actual slaves?! The slave thing is just a gimmick! I’m the goddamn stage manager; technically I’m GWAR’s boss!” Kirch then became visibly nervous and added, “Don’t let Balsac the Jaws of Death know I said that.” 

Current GWAR frontman Blöthar the Berserker expressed mixed feelings about the investigation being dropped. 

“Blöthar resents the implication that he has anything in common with that boated cheeto of a fascist prick! I mean sure, I’m a pig-goblin, but look at that guy! Sure, we exploit human slave labor, but that’s just to give those poor pathetic creatures a little something to do before we slaughter them and throw their corpses on a pyre to light our crack pipes! We’re warrior scumdogian refugees; he’s supposed to be the President of the United States.”

Insiders report that GWAR is currently working on rekindling the president’s ire by making a harmless joke about Charlie Kirk.

The Five Most Horrifying Naked People I Saw on “Real Sex” During That Free Weekend of HBO I Got in 1999

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Ahhh, “Real Sex”. Remember that show? No? Well, you just weren’t lucky enough to have Comcast randomly gift your household a free weekend of HBO in the summer of 1999 just before you started seventh grade like I was. Don’t worry, though, because there’s no need for you to be jealous, as this show ultimately proved itself to be just a bit too “real” for me. As such, here are the five most horrifying naked people I saw on that sunny July weekend.

  1. The Old Guy With the Prince Albert

Yeah, I did not have this guy in mind when I toggled to HBO (with one finger on the “last channel” button of the remote so anyone who happened into the living room would just think I was watching “Mad TV”) only to have the first shot be of the pierced schlong of some senior citizen at a swingers’ camping convention right after he whipped it out to show the camera operator. I mean, good for him, but it definitely was not what I was expecting. To this day, I can’t help wondering if every old guy I walk past has a stylish ring through his urethra.

  1. The Penis Puppeteer

Do I really need to include an explanation as to what this entailed? It just wasn’t an appropriate watch for someone who was coming into his sexuality. I’d be so much better off today if my dad had just given me a stack of Hustlers and put the TV out on the curb. Thanks a lot, HBO.

  1. The Adult Baby

No shame if this is your kink, but they really didn’t need to show the diapers being used. A simple verbal explanation of this particular fetish would have done wonders for my imagination, but instead I was left with the mental image of a 46-year-old financial planner pissing into his Huggies while holding a bottle of what I sincerely hope was just cow’s milk. Do you know how hard it was to revert to FreeOnes after that? 

  1. The Masturbation Club Members

Why couldn’t it have been a free weekend of Cinemax instead, huh? I gladly would’ve taken absurdly simulated softcore sex acts over a hotel room filled with people who have turned jacking off into a social club. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: 99.99% of the human race consists of people I don’t want to see masturbate, and that is a conservative number.

  1. The Oil Wrestlers

Oil wrestling can be a fantastic activity to watch if it’s people who do not look like this. Jesus Christ. High-speed internet was right around the corner, but it was unfortunately too late for me. Sound off in the comments if your sexuality was forever warped by this nightmare of a program.

Punk Findom Bullies Men Out of Their Cigarettes

Posted on by Ben Friedman

DETROIT — Punk financial dominatrix Sierra “Piss” Richardson nearly doubled her clientele in three days after pivoting to bullying area punks out of their cigarettes, she announced on social media earlier today.

“I am first and foremost a goddess who deserves to be showered with money by pathetic men who love to do what they’re told, but close behind is my love of hanging out in front of venues, smoking Camels and looking hot. But have you seen the prices of cigarettes now? I’m not one of those top 0.01% OnlyFans models who can go out and buy a carton whenever they please. But once I started negging punks outside of the bar, they’ve been practically begging to neg them in exchange for loosies,” said Richardson. “Anyone who’s hit on me outside the bar between sets has voluntarily handed over entire packs after I fire back that they’re too weak for the pit. Something about fishnet stockings scolding them like their mother has proven mutually beneficial.”

Richardson’s new following were gladly giving up their cigarettes for a chance to be noticed by her.

“I was trying to impress her by saying I knew the headliner, and she responded by making me name every member of Streetlight Manifesto in reverse alphabetical order and accused my dad of bankrolling my lifestyle. Next thing I knew I was handing over the last of my Marlboros, but I’d never been more turned on in my life,” said Kyle Williams. “Fuck the show, I’m heading to the gas station to buy more cigarettes. You think she’ll call me a poser and spit in my face if I ask nicely enough?”

Psychologists noted this kind of power dynamic induced sexual gratification was nothing new.

“Punks are all ‘fuck authority’ until they want to actually fuck authority. This was proven in a study a few years back that found 78% of punk men would voluntarily hand over all their money to anyone who looked like Siouxsie Sioux,” said Dr. Joyce Brownstein. “But punks don’t like to offer up cash, lest they reveal themselves a sellout, so they’ll offer up other things that are arguably just as valuable like drink tickets, swiped band merch, or couches to crash on.”

As of press time, Richardson publicly shamed one of her subs in the venue parking lot after he had the audacity to offer her a bubblegum vape instead of Camel Blues.

Woman Describes Sociopathic Boyfriend as ‘Silly Goose’

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

BOSTON — Local woman Rachel Burch recently described her boyfriend Daniel Talbott’s sociopathic tendencies to her friends and family as him being a “silly goose,” confirmed sources who were more scared than impressed by his humor. 

“I just need someone in my life who makes me laugh, and Dan always commits to the bit, even if it means harming the family dog. What a goofball,” Burch explained after witnessing Talbott gaslight her 66-year-old mother to give him 50 bucks at her dad’s birthday dinner. “The guys I dated before were always too macho to be funny, but when Dan left his girlfriend and kid after two months of us seeing each other, I knew I had found someone who was ready to create joy in their life.”

Burch met Talbott outside of a dive bar where he’s “made her giggle” ever since. 

“What can I say? I’m always the funniest guy in the room and I will beat the ever-living shit out of anyone who thinks otherwise. I could tell Rachel liked me after I used my pickup line that involves asking how big her tits are,” Talbott recounted while casually shoplifting at a grocery store. “It tickles her that I text pictures to her ex-boyfriends from outside their homes with a skull emoji and buy burner phones to text ‘Do I scare you?’ to her extended family members who don’t like us together. All while on ketamine, of course.”

Not all of Burch’s friends are convinced by her explanations of Talbott’s antics. 

“Dan is more frightening than funny. Rachel came by with him at an art fair I was tabling at, and immediately started saying that he’s always gotten the best head from Asian girls,” explained her best friend Isabelle Li. “He took a bunch of stickers off the table and then denied taking them while calling me slurs when I asked him to pay. When I saw Rachel a few days later, I told her what he called me and she said that I need to stop being so sensitive and saw that all the stickers were on her Stanley cup.”

At press time, Talbott received an offer for employment as Brand Image Consultant for AIPAC.

Oh, You’re a Buckethead Fan? Name Three Items on the KFC Menu

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Hey you. Yeah, you with the Chicago Bulls jersey and the nunchucks doing what looks like a robot dance. And is that the game “Clue” next to you? Hmm. Lemme guess: it was a gift from a guitarist.

Then you must be a Buckethead fan with that oddball combination, even if you’re not wearing his iconic KFC bucket and white mask. Maybe that’s for the best in your case. Dude looks like the greasiest serial killer in history with that getup. Doesn’t scare me, though, because the only thing Buckethead slays is his six-string, and he’s literally the best there is.

Anyway, if you’re a Buckethead fan, then name three items on the KFC menu.

The Boneless Bucket For One? You musta been to KFC pretty recently since that’s a brand-new item. Still, it’s an obvious choice with the word “bucket” in it. It’s fitting, though, because Buckethead is a solitary artist, both in the studio and onstage. I’d probably be pretty hard to work with, too, if I played guitar so skillfully and in such a masturbatory way that I made an O-face all the time. Maybe that’s what the mask is for.

Cherry Pie Poppers? Nice pull. What a throwback. Too bad they’re not available anymore, even if KFC’s worldview is that no foodstuff is a bad foodstuff. Which kinda reminds me of the über-prolific Buckethead, whose whole catalog I absolutely love. Similar to KFC, Buckethead puts out every single idea that comes to him, no matter how close to trash it is.

The Famous Bowl? Ah yes, the everything-and-the-kitchen-sink pigslop grosspile. Still, it’s literally the greatest thing in history when you’re hammered. Guess that’s true when you’re high, as well. Probably why I’m such a fan of Buckethead’s guitar playing. I like my guitarists like I like my fast food — shamelessly gluttonous.

Anyway, all this talk’s making me hungry. Might hit up a KFC and grab a Chicken Combo. After that, wanna play some “Clue”?

RFK Jr. Learns Eating Pussy a Sex Thing, Not a Dead Cat Thing

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. recently learned that, after spending some time on select Reddit threads, eating pussy is a reference to a sex act and not the consumption of a deceased house pet, sources confirmed.

“I’ve just seen this on the internet,” said the Secretary of Health and Human Services while googling “pussy nutrition facts.” “What are you people talking about? You’re doing cannibal sex things? Wait, you don’t actually consume the pussy? Then what do you do with dead cats? Surely you’re actually eating those. Waste of good protein, otherwise. You’re all a bunch of freaks. I’ve got to tell Cheryl about this. Do you think she knows?”

Cheryl Hines, eventual widow of Kennedy, shared her perspective on his newfound knowledge.

“I’m not surprised he didn’t know. The other day, he told me he thought dog food was dog meat packaged for humans. Which I guess explains why he’s been buying so much even though we don’t have dogs,” said Hines. “To be honest, I’ve been afraid to teach him anything oral-related. What with his obsession with raw meat and roadkill, I didn’t want to tempt fate. We mostly just do over the pants stuff. I mean he literally eats pigs’ anuses, so please don’t anyone tell him about eating ass.”

Angela Stoddard, a top neuroscientist in the nation, shared a scientific perspective on confused men who like dead animals.

“We’ve been tracking a concerning trend of people infested with brain worms being obsessed with animal carcasses,” said Stoddard. “We actually found a surprising amount of men for the study. Just 400 brain-worm infested dudes with nothing else to do with their time. They did manage to provide some invaluable information, though. As it turns out, they can’t see the world through any lens other than ‘dead animals.’ It affects the way they process all language. We’ve got a guy who’s been trying to murder two birds with a rock for almost a decade. We’re not sure we’ll be able to find a cure for the damage done, but we think we can at least find ways to keep them occupied so they don’t bother other people or find their way into other leadership positions.”

At press time, new reports revealed that Kennedy is reassessing every time he has beaten a dead horse.

Murderer Annoyed To See News Stories Call Grave He Dug ‘Shallow’

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

LANSING, Mich. — Local murderer Larry Vance let out an annoyed sigh at a number of news stories’ description of the just-uncovered grave he dug for his latest victim as “shallow,” confirmed sources.

“What the fuck? I was out there for hours digging that thing, and it was not ‘shallow.’ Yet the news has the gall to describe my grave work as anything less than commercial grade?” demanded Vance, a seasoned murderer, while pacing his living room and flipping through channels to catch coverage of his heinous crime. “God, it just makes me so mad, I could… I could just… I could go out and do the whole thing again, and this time, I’d dig seven, hell, eight feet deep, if that’s what it’ll take to get some respect.”

Despite Vance’s objections, the facts of the grave he dug do point to him being in the wrong.

“Per police sources, the victim was found in a five-and-a-half foot deep grave. Real graves are six feet deep,” said local reporter Ross Harkins. “If the person behind this horrific killing thinks they dug a grave up to the standards of, say, your Forest Lawns or your Arlingtons, well, they’re just plain wrong. And if you know their identity, please—tell it to me, and let them know that the grave was ‘shallow.’ Now, that’s nothing to be ashamed about. The murder is. Murder is shameful. The shallow grave is just… what it is.”

Criminologists have noted that a not-terribly-deep grave is among the most consistent ways murder victims are discovered, which is often the first step in finding the person behind both the killing and the embarrassingly close-to-the-surface grave.

“Anyone who commits the unspeakable act of killing has, by the nature of the crime, proven themselves to be of deviant mind. And the deviant-minded—well, this may hurt to hear, but a number of them just don’t have the follow-through to do a job right,” explained Colleen Wernick, PhD, Professor of Criminology. “The grave this murderer dug—well, that it’s under regulation depth points to them being just that—a no-follow-through deviant incapable of completing tasks to society’s actual standards.”

At press time, Vance was seen muttering to himself while extending a tape measurer into his latest grave, ensuring that whoever his next victim is, they won’t be found in a grave that anyone could sniff at.

Why You Shouldn’t Assume That Everybody With a British Accent Is a Transphobic Children’s Book Author

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The older I get, the more I realize that I shouldn’t judge people by superficial aspects like appearance or socioeconomic background. There’s so much more to a person’s character than these surface-level traits, and we can all work towards making this world a more civil place to inhabit if we take the time to get to know one another before making judgments. This is why I no longer think that everybody with a British accent is a transphobic children’s book author.

It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Well, hear me out for a second.

For far too long, every time I found myself in the presence of a person with a British accent, I just assumed that person had made an extremely lucrative living writing a series of admittedly stellar children’s fantasy books before making a sudden and baffling pivot to obsessing over the existence of trans people as the sole root of all of society’s ills. This caused a lot of problems in my social life, and culminated in me ruining numerous social events by screaming in the face of some mystified Brit who was just trying to have a good time. Well, now I know that I was mistaken in doing this, and I’d like to apologize to our poor friends across the pond. It takes a big man to admit when he’s erred, which is why I’m extending this olive branch to those I’ve wronged.

Still don’t believe me? How about famed evolutionary biologist and religious skeptic Richard Dawkins? He was instrumental in many of us shedding the restrictive and oppressive veil imposed upon us by religion, and not once did he — oh, wait. He’s made numerous tweets criticizing trans Olympic athletes and mocking the identities of trans people everywhere? He also wrote a children’s book called “The Magic of Reality” in 2011? OK, bad example. No big deal. Let’s just move on.

What about popular actor and comedic icon Ricky Gervais? Seriously, how funny is “The Office UK”? So good, right? Well, Mr. Gervais definitely has a British accent, and he’s never — huh? He’s also gone on more than one transphobic tweetstorm, with one fully supporting J.K. Rowling? He also deadnamed Caitlin Jenner at the 2016 Golden Globes? Oh, and he’s the author of the “Flanimals” children’s books? Well, shit. Maybe I’m wrong here?

You know what? I take back this entire article. You should definitely assume everybody with a British accent is a transphobic children’s book author. It was my mistake for assuming otherwise, and I apologize for the confusion.

Karaoke Night Sound Guy Rigs Mic To Electrocute Anyone Who Tries To Hit the Falsetto in ‘Take on Me’

Posted on by James Knapp

GETTYSBURG, Pa. — Local sound guy and part-time sadist Rick Smithston recently made life a whole hell of a lot easier for the crowd when he engineered his sound system to painfully and memorably electrocute any karaoke participant who attempted A-ha’s “Take on Me,” pleased sources confirmed.

“It was honestly pretty simple to rig it up. I put a sensor in the mic and if anyone even attempts that ‘I’ll be gone’ octave then it lights them the fuck up,” explained Smithston, gleefully. “Oh, this is absolutely personal for me! Inflicting nerve and/or mild brain damage is the only appropriate response to their feeble attempts at this part. I have to listen to the same tone deaf morons crack their voices night after night. At a certain point you have to take matters into your own hands. Electric hands! Let’s just say no one’s attempted it since that one guy went into cardiac arrest.”

Karaoke night shock recipient Frank Ephraim was still recovering from ten-thousand volts when reached for comment.

“Where am I? Is the fire alarm going off? Why do I taste aluminum?” began Ephraim, physically incapable of uncrossing his eyes. “All I remember was a blinding flash of light, and then I’ll be gone in a day or two… wait, why did I say that last part? Oh look, I think my wedding ring evaporated. Can I go to the hospital now?”

A-ha lead vocalist Morten Harket was oddly supportive of the weaponization of his biggest hit to punish the tight-throated.

“Honestly, I make more in royalties from karaoke night failure than anything else. But at this point I’m set for life, so yeah, bust out the cattle prod and whatever happens happens,” Harket remarked. “One thing I do regret about my vocal performance in ‘Take on Me’ is that I didn’t include any scatting. Oh yeah, that sure would have deserved some electro-shocks — for the people at karaoke, I mean! My performance would have been immaculate.”

At press time, Smithston had also rigged a boxing glove on a large spring to knock out anyone who attempts “We Didn’t Start the Fire” and forgets the lyrics halfway through.

Riot Fest Drafts Preemptive Morrissey Cancellation Tweet

Posted on by Chris Bratton

CHICAGO — Organizers of Riot Fest have reportedly drafted multiple social media updates in the likely event Morrissey, prolific songwriter and former frontman of the Smiths, will cancel as the September concert nears. 

“Knock on wood, I guess, but as far as preparation goes, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Just a whiff of an all-beef Chicago-style hot dog could put him on a plane halfway to Manchester, not to mention how fast he’d dart if he walked in on Angine De Poitrine shoving Italian Beef sandwiches into their mask holes,” Adam Johnson, a social media intern for Riot Fest, rationalized. “What if his hotel is within a mile of the L and it’s loud, what if deep dish freaks him out, what if his distorted reflection in the “bean” pisses him off, what if he expects more from the Sears Tower or cities on lakes are simply not to his liking? These drafts can help us get the message out quickly to fans that knew something like this was bound to happen.”

Morrissey’s team reached out expressing grievances about the precaution. 

“Listen, having a roughly twenty-some percent cancellation rate just means his show-up rate is around eighty percent; that ain’t bad!” claimed Mozz manager Steven Christopher. “If it was a batting average, he could go start for the Cubs! Are there easier musicians to work with out there? Absolutely. Is it possible to be a musician and have an ego that’s a little more grounded? Probably. Is it possible to go on tour and not get the flu? Maybe. Can you tell me who these singers and bands are that don’t have these issues? Could you write them on a list with contact info? Could you get them to sit down with me? Do you know if they’re happy with their current representation?”

Morrissey super fan Jennifer Davis offered some potential benefits of a canceled Morrissey show through personal experience over the years. 

“Madison Square Garden July 2007, I had non-refundable tickets to New York City. I went.  I  met my husband at Morrissey night at Sway lounge. Fenway Park last year, we walked the Freedom Trail in Boston. We experienced history we would have never done if the show had happened. We tell fans to keep an open mind, don’t blame that beautiful sad genius, and find your happiness!”

We reached out to Morrissey, but he rescheduled the call, and then postponed the make-up call, and then canceled that call because his phone was in a “catatonic state.”

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