Corey Arder, Author at HARDTIMES

Hip Youth Pastor Doesn’t Believe in God

Posted on October 13, 2022 by Sean Fallon

BOISE, Idaho — Local youth pastor Chase Rexley gained quite a following in his church after revealing that he doesn’t believe in God, sources who didn’t know you could do that confirmed.

“I mean, seriously. Only a total dork would believe in an all-knowing, all-seeing supreme being watching over us at all times,” said Rexley, sitting on a chair backward and toying with the popped collar of his dress shirt. “A big guy in the sky who decides who is a sinner and who isn’t? Not for me. I still love my church though. If not for them, I’d never have these sweet $200 shades I just bought from the Sunglasses Hut in the mall. I guess that free money in the church donation basket goes go to good use after all.”

Attendees of Rexley’s youth group found his beliefs to be refreshing.

“I used to think church was lame,” said young churchgoer Stacy Mailer. “But that was before Pastor Chase taught us that going to church could be cool and also that God doesn’t exist to answer our prayers so our pleas for help and advice go unheard and unheeded. That was also before C-Rex nailed a 360 flip in the church parking lot first try. I’ll believe what anyone says if they can be that smooth on a skateboard.”

Rexley’s superiors at the church initially viewed the surge in popularity with suspicion as believing in God was a big part of their whole thing.

“At first, I was disdainful of the stance,” said lifelong priest Father Thomas Gore. “But then we saw how popular his sermons were and we began to think, ‘hey, maybe not believing in God is the future of the church.’ He’s already convinced three or four nuns that Jesus Christ was just a good dude and not necessarily our Lord and savior. Long story short, we’re going to give some of Pastor Rexley’s ideas a try in our church to see if we can increase attendance. Can’t hurt.”

News of Rexley’s fresh stance has reached as far as the Vatican where the Pope, in an effort to win back believers, clean up the church’s reputation, and increase popularity, has begun worshiping Satan.

Black Metal Band Celebrates Successful Tour by Pouring Bucket of Goat’s Blood Over Manager’s Head

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Chris Bowen

NEW YORK — Extreme Nordic black metal band Virus Ritual celebrated a successful run of U.S. tour dates with the ceremonial dumping of goat’s blood over their beloved tour manager’s head, several long black-haired sources report.

“Well, we did what we needed to do to make this a great, successful tour,” said the band’s manager Erik Pedersen while batting off several buzzing flies. “We had a bit of a rough start in the beginning when we lost our makeup bag, but that guy dressed as Ronald McDonald we ran into in Cleveland really saved our asses in the first half. We were tight, solid, and executed the shows every night. Seeing the boys go out there and play hard every night is worth being all sticky and smelling like copper wire stuffed inside of a dead rodent’s ass.”

Virus Ritual frontman Anders Hansen explained some of the obstacles they faced during the brilliant U.S. run.

“This killer tour didn’t come easy. We had our fair share of bullshit that almost ruined things for us,” Hansen stated. “We had a couple van issues, that one shitty promoter in Rochester who ran away before paying us or providing us the pizza we ask for before every show, that sorta stuff. Also, being able to find a bucket’s worth of goat blood in 39 U.S. cities proved to be pretty difficult. But Erik is an amazing manager with a conveniently great reputation in the country’s butcher scene, so he came through for us every single night.”

Johnny Lee, owner of the Brass Bar music venue in Denver, was not thrilled by the band’s gesture.

“I guess it was cool seeing all those frowny guys so excited right here in my venue,” Lee said while mopping up a massive pile of hot, red goo. “But now not only does my bar look like the scene of a massacre, it smells like complete hell. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened though. I remember one time when we had that glam band Trick N’ Boots play a show here, they had a glitter cannon and completely covered the place. I swear that shit still comes out of our beer taps.”

At press time, Virus Ritual was seen vigorously attempting to scrub out the blood stains inside their rental tour van before returning it to Hertz.

Wanna Feel Old? Lady Gaga Says That the Meat Dress Has Decayed to the Point Where She Can Only Wear It as a Sleep Shirt

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Freelancer

Can you believe it’s actually been that long? Lady Gaga just revealed that the iconic Meat Dress that she wore to the 2010 MTV Music Awards has rotted away to the point where she can only wear it to bed.

Believe it or not, there was a time in this country when we all thought that dresses had to be made of fabric, sequins, or whatever. Gaga was the only one brave enough to ask: “What if I showed up to that shit draped in raw flank steak?” And then she did that. We all remember where we were when our moms called us to ask if we heard about the hidden Satanic subtext of Lady Gorgo’s meat gown.

Since then, Lady Gaga has gone on to cement herself as one of the most influential pop stars of our time, mostly by doing boring, non-meat related stuff like being nominated for Oscars and releasing jazz albums with Tony Bennett that feel weirdly unethical to listen to. But at home, she’s still Stefani Germanotta, humbly spritzing her meat gown with L.A. municipal tap water to keep it from drying out into jerky.

And yet, time comes for us all, because what was once an iconic performance art piece about… oh shit. Veganism? No… the dark side of fame? Fuck. Was it a political thing? Anyways, what was once the raw meat dress is now a pile of oozing, maggot-infested flesh that Gaga wears with old Juicy sweatpants when she’s just lounging and squelching around the house.

“A Star Is Born? More like A Carcass Is Worn.” That’s what Lady Gaga says to the mirror each night while she gets ready for bed, gently wrapping the moist green flaps of grotesque, decomposing strip steak over her bare skin as she prepares for a beautiful night of what she calls ‘Beef Dreams’. The familiar stench of rotting flesh lulls Gaga to sleep in a rich dreamscape where Artpop is artistically relevant, House of Gucci won Best Picture, and Jared Leto doesn’t exist.

Once there was a cow that lived out its days feeding on grass in a pasture, that then became a pile of raw meat, that then became a dress, that then became a potential violation of the Chemical Weapons Convention. Such is the beauty and tragedy of the cold passage of time. But we hear Gaga still uses the matching Meat Purse when she runs errands, so YOLO baby!

Black Bear Family Proudly Displays Mounted Stuffed Ted Nugent Head Above Fireplace

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Chris Bowen

JACKSON, Mich. — A local American black bear family proudly displayed the stuffed head of the elusive Ted Nugent as a trophy above their cabin’s fireplace after hunting him over several days, several furry sources report.

“I couldn’t believe I actually bagged the fuckin’ ‘Nuge. This guy has been terrorizing these woods with his bow and arrow for years,” said Papa Bear. “Then one day I was foraging for some berries, minding my own business and he was just sitting there, out in the middle of the woods ranting into his phone about liberals. I knew I had to take a shot. He made quite a yelp before taking off, bleeding out for a few yards and collapsing. Now when I’m home and I look up at my fireplace to see his weird, psychotic eyes and gross stringy chin hair, it brings me back to the joy I felt that day. Definitely my crowning achievement.”

Nugent’s agent Daryl Berntly appeared to be in a state of panic after knowing his client was now stuffed wall decor.

“We are screwed,” Berntly said while on the verge of hyperventilating. “Ted is supposed to be the guest of honor at a huge MAGA rally in South Carolina this week, and all we have is his headless corpse! If we rig it up right he might still be able to play ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ but it won’t be the same without his mouth yelling the words and tearing down the left. We do have a plan to possibly sneak into that bear’s home and steal our precious Ted’s head back, but I’m not going to be able to get my hands on a sufficient amount of salmon to distract the bears long enough to make my move. Guess the MAGA crowd will just have to settle for Kid Rock as long as he doesn’t get himself taxidermied in the meantime.”

Wildlife conservationist Sandra Baker explained how wild animals have been trophy hunting classic rock musicians for decades.

“Each year, we receive several reports of musicians being hunted down in the woods by bears for sport,” Baker explained. “For some reason, classic rock and metal musicians are typically ones we find the bodies of, but their heads are taken as trophies. Some do escape, however. Ever since he narrated that documentary on hunting bears in Alaska, James Hetfield has been numero uno in the world of rock and roll trophy hunting.”

At the time of press, the black bear family was seen taking a custom AK-47/guitar to an appraiser to have it authenticated.

Review: Alexisonfire “Otherness”

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Bobby Korec

Each week, The Hard Times reviews an album of our choosing to make us feel like we did something productive. This week we’re taking a closer look at the album “Otherness” by post-hardcore phenom Alexisonfire.

This record has it all. A little bit of screaming, a little bit of singing, and a little bit of screaming and singing at the same time. Exactly what you want in a piece of art. The only negative thing I can say about this album is that I can’t say this band’s name out loud without triggering my Alexa.

As we all know, Alexisonfire came out long before Amazon’s home virtual assistant technology. But you try explaining that to your Alexa after it asks you what you want because you accidentally set it off while having a conversation with your friend about Alexisonfire.

The last time this happened, my buddy Jake and I were shooting the shit and talking post-hardcore. When I brought up Alexisonfire, my Alexa thought it kind of heard its name yet also heard the word “fire.” And it just so happens that this company has a product called Amazon Fire. Hoo boy, did this lead to a communication kerfuffle.

Not only did dozens of Amazon Fire packages show up at my door the next day, but this damn company also sent me a few Amazon Echos after Jake just so happened to bring up the band Echo and the Bunnymen three or four times. Like, what the hell? Can’t in-home technology differentiate between bands and products anymore?

I’m just glad I didn’t mention Primus and have Amazon inadvertently sign me up for a handful of Prime memberships. Really dodged a bullet there.

It’s kind of funny that people are worried about Amazon listening in on our conversations through their devices. I’m more worried about their products not fully grasping the content of my conversations. Artificial intelligence, my ass.

But good news. I was able to explain the whole story to one of Amazon’s customer service bots and I got a full refund for my troubles. But after reiterating several times that I meant to say “Alexisonfire” and not “Alexa Fire,” they straight up sent me dozens of copies of “Otherness” to evidently “atone for Alexa’s mistakes.” Amazon got me again.

Long story short, that’s how I came to review all 36 personal copies of this album. You’re welcome.

SCORE: 10 out of 10 same-day shipping charges

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Dad Begs Kids to Let Him Go See Blink-182

Posted on October 11, 2022 by Alan Khanukaev

COVENTRY, R.I. — 43-year-old father of two Mike Lassiter begged his children for permission to go see his favorite pop punk band on their upcoming world tour with Tom DeLonge rejoining the band, confirmed sources who only know of the band because of “The Kardashians.”

“As soon as I saw Tom was rejoining the band I texted my daughters to ask if it was ok to go,” said Lassiter. “At first they were a little skeptical because Blink has some pretty explicit lyrics. They didn’t want me walking around the house singing about banging horses or whatever, but eventually they said it was ok as long as I agreed to let them have three parties at our house with no adult supervision. The choice was easy.”

Lassiter’s youngest daughter, 14-year-old Chloe, admitted she was annoyed by the request at first.

“I woke up when I heard him screaming ‘oh my god, oh my god’ then he rushed into my bedroom and started asking if he could go see Blink,” said the teenager. “I had no idea what he was even talking about, then he ran out of the room and came back in with a pile of CDs and said we need to listen to all of them right away. I don’t know who owns a CD player at this point, I just wanted to get back to bed. It’s nice to see him excited about something, but we need to have some ground rules. If he goes to the show he has to wear his hat straight, it can’t be pointed to the side. And we will have a ban on all oversized Dickies’ shorts, chunky Etnies, and anything with the word ‘Hurley’ on it. He needs to dress his age.”

A spokesperson for Ticketmaster says many adults across the country are having similar conversations with their children.

“You have to understand that nobody under the age of 24 cares about Blink-182. So we are seeing a lot of older millennials trying to navigate our ticketing process and leaning on their children for help,” said sales representative Tasha Ortiz. “This isn’t like the old days where you would go to a box office and grab your tickets, the new world is cut-throat and vicious. Having a teenager guide you through this process is going to make things a lot easier and hopefully prevent parents from punching holes in their walls when they realize tickets sold out less than one minute after they went on sale.”

At press time, Lassiter was begging his daughters to bring him to Claire’s so he could get his snake bite piercings re-done.

Aliens Abduct Matt Skiba by Accident

Posted on October 11, 2022 by Max Barth

LOS ANGELES – Extraterrestrial beings confirmed today that they accidentally abducted founding member of Alkaline Trio, and now former Blink-182 guitarist, Matt Skiba instead of Tom DeLonge.

“Our sensors detected a human with a nasally cadence playing an electrified guitar in his garage and we assumed he was our target since he had on a bunch of Blink-182 merch and was noodling his way through ‘Josie’ over and over,” said a gas-based sentient being from far beyond the stars. “Unfortunately, once we got him on board our ship and began our experiments it was clear from his screaming that our subject was not the sought-for human male. We knew that Tom would be asking us a lot of questions and trying to understand if we made it to Earth before and joking about probes, but this other guy made no reference to us inspecting his anus, that’s when we knew we made a mistake.”

DeLonge, who recently rejoined platinum-selling worldwide megastars Blink 182 for an announced Summer 2023 reunion tour, quickly offered to help Skiba in any way possible.

“The entire original, actual Blink-182 sends its warmest regards to Matt,” said Delonge, reached for comment at an undisclosed location miles below the Earth’s surface. “My company, To The Stars, will do anything possible to secure Matt’s return to Earth, up-to-and-including offering custom merchandise at our worldwide sold-out tour, partial proceeds of which will be donated to build rockets or telescopes or whatever. You can go to Blink182.com right now to buy tickets to our shows.”

Fans of Blink-182 appeared confused by the news of Skiba’s disappearance.

“I guess it’s a shame when anyone is abducted, but I think it’s for the best,” said 39-year-old Anna Cox, anxiously waiting to purchase tickets to every date on the Blink-182 reunion tour. “He needs to be out of the so Blink can get back to normal. I’m sure wherever he is, he’s doing just great. Maybe he’s starting a band or joining an already fabulous band on Mars. They probably took his brain out. I read an interview with Tom where he talked about aliens doing that kinda shit. It was so cool. God, I can’t wait for the tour. I hope they don’t play the newer, non-Tom stuff.”

As of press time, terrestrial beings from across the galaxy were sending coded messages to DeLonge asking if they can get on the guest list.

Band Opening for Porky Pig Regrets Letting Him Borrow Kick Drum

Posted on October 11, 2022 by Joe Rumrill

LOS ANGELES — Members of Hollywood mainstays Eager Young Space Cadet regret letting headliner Porky Pig borrow their kick drum after he inflicted some extreme, albeit expected, damage, sources confirmed.

“At first I was excited to meet such a legend, he’s such a huge influence on our sound and worldview. It’s not every gig you get to meet someone you’ve respected since kindergarten. I mean, our band’s named after the guy,” said Eager Young Space Cadet drummer Alan Amaretto. “But when I watched him end his set by bursting headfirst through my drum head, which I bought with my own money, and all he could muster was ‘That’s All Folks!’ I was like ‘Shit. That IS all, folks.’ I’m done.”

Band members report that, while this is a gross misdeed on the animated swine’s part, it comes with the territory of opening for cartoon characters.

“I don’t want to sound negative, but I swear, I’ll never open for a cartoon character again. This was the last straw,” fumed guitarist Louden Kingsley. “It was the same goddamn thing when we did that festival with the Pink Panther who borrowed my guitar and painted the whole thing fuchsia to evidently ‘match his aesthetic.’ What a jerk.”

The iconic “Looney Tunes” personality understood the band’s feelings, but had a rather unsympathetic retort.

“Look, I understand what it’s like to be an up-and-comer, I’ve played second fiddle to the rabbit and the duck since they burst onto the scene,” said the “Merrie Melodies” star from his Burbank office. “But these kids were fans of mine, they were familiar with my work…They should have known what they were getting into when I asked to borrow it. Heck, it’s a badge of honor. When you see Bruce Springsteen, you want to see him play ‘Born To Run.’ When you see Paul McCartney, you want to see him play ‘Hey Jude.’ And when you buy a ticket to see Porky goddamn Pig, you want to see him burst through the head of a big kick drum and say ‘Th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!’ I’m just trying to give my fans what they came for.”

In an act of good faith, Mr. Pig purchased the band a new bass drum for their trouble, but unfortunately it was ordered from an Acme catalog.

Avid Concertgoer Responds to Therapist’s “How Are You Feeling Today?” with “WOOOO!”

Posted on October 11, 2022 by John Danek

DALLAS — Frequent concertgoer Peter Logan once again was accused of not taking his therapy sessions seriously after responding with shouts and rounds of applause to basic questions, sources confirmed.

“It’s astonishing. I think Peter firmly believes life is a concert and he’s the biggest fan in the room. His behavior is made worse by the fact he always asks if he can stash his jacket behind the front desk and then asks the receptionist if we have any new merch,” explained Dr. Laura Truman, popular specialist in music-related delusions. “At the beginning of each session when I ask how he’s feeling, Peter always responds with a shrieked ‘WOOOOOO!’ while smiling and throwing up his index and pinky fingers. I try to explain to him why it isn’t acceptable behavior. Then he begins applauding me at four-minute intervals. When our session is over he usually chants ‘one more question’ until I shut the lights in the office off. Tragic but fascinating.”

Logan has been attending concerts multiple times per week ever since his tweens when older siblings would drive him.

“My therapist is going to put on such a good show today, I can feel it. The last few setlists have kinda been shit, so I’m due for a good one,” said Logan, who has begun stocking his apartment with clear plastic beer cups that fill up from a tap valve on the bottom. “Dr. Truman frequently closes with my codependent relationships, but a few weeks ago she opened with it which was a shocker. Recently, she had to go to a conference, so the concert was canceled. But I was able to get my tickets refunded.”

Peter’s behavioral shift is just the most recent evidence that frequent show attendance can lead to various personal, mental, and physical problems.

“I’ve been involved in the live music scene here in Dallas for years, and I’ve definitely seen it change people,” recalled show promoter and all-around scumbag Jeff Halls. “You got people woo’ing at funerals, in hospitals, and on the train. Then, others think it’s OK to mosh just because they can hear a jackhammer in the distance. Even worse, some people can become addicted and get really strung out, but that might be because I’m selling them smack at the shows.”

As of press time, Peter Logan is no longer a patient of Dr. Truman’s, as he attempted to follow his doctor on a West Coast tour which was actually just a family RV vacation.

Opinion: Yeah, I Support Women in STEM — Screamo, Thrash, Emo, and Mathcore

Posted on October 11, 2022 by Audrey Vieira

As a feminist, I believe that it is very important that women in STEM have opportunities to succeed in their fields. Whether their bands are considered screamo, thrash, emo, or mathcore, these chicks have been killing it lately, shattering the glass ceiling one breakdown at a time.

Sadly, women in STEM are commonly underpaid in comparison to their male counterparts. Sure, most dudes in these types of bands aren’t exactly raking in cash, either, but sometimes they get an extra drink ticket or two. Shouldn’t women get more drink tickets? Chicks love wine, right?

Women in STEM also have to deal with constantly being compared to other women in the music industry, even if their bands sound nothing alike. Not every woman sounds like Paramore. Some of them sound like Evanescence or Jinjer.

Okay, maybe those bands aren’t STEM either, but the singers are chicks, and sometimes they scream, right? That’s still more STEM than the pop stuff that Paramore have been doing recently — their last album didn’t even have gutturals!

It doesn’t help that Warped Tour, aka punk rock summer camp, is no longer traveling cross-country. Back then, women could see a few female-fronted bands in their prime provided the set times didn’t clash. What are we supposed to do now? Introduce girls to these subgenres ourselves? Look, I want my little sister to develop a decent musical taste, but if she scratches any of my records, I will kill her.

My point is that women in STEM need more role models to look up to. Schools should give out scholarships to girls interested in these subgenres, or at least gift them an I Hate Sex album or two on Bandcamp. If we get enough parents to rally the school board, we could even negotiate an increase in STEM funding and form some new acts for next year’s Battle of the Bands.

Right now, the average woman can’t even name three songs. That’s not a good look for our education system. Math classes in some states claim to follow a “common core” curriculum, but their outdated textbooks fail to educate kids about more recent mathcore bands like SeeYouSpaceCowboy and The Callous Daoboys. We have got to do better for our daughters.

Wait, you were asking if I support women in the sciences? What bands do they listen to?

Each week, The Hard Times reviews an album of our choosing to make us feel like we did something productive. This week we’re taking a closer look at the album “Otherness” by post-hardcore phenom Alexisonfire.

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