NEW YORK — Extreme Nordic black metal band Virus Ritual celebrated a successful run of U.S. tour dates with the ceremonial dumping of goat’s blood over their beloved tour manager’s head, several long black-haired sources report.
“Well, we did what we needed to do to make this a great, successful tour,” said the band’s manager Erik Pedersen while batting off several buzzing flies. “We had a bit of a rough start in the beginning when we lost our makeup bag, but that guy dressed as Ronald McDonald we ran into in Cleveland really saved our asses in the first half. We were tight, solid, and executed the shows every night. Seeing the boys go out there and play hard every night is worth being all sticky and smelling like copper wire stuffed inside of a dead rodent’s ass.”
Virus Ritual frontman Anders Hansen explained some of the obstacles they faced during the brilliant U.S. run.
“This killer tour didn’t come easy. We had our fair share of bullshit that almost ruined things for us,” Hansen stated. “We had a couple van issues, that one shitty promoter in Rochester who ran away before paying us or providing us the pizza we ask for before every show, that sorta stuff. Also, being able to find a bucket’s worth of goat blood in 39 U.S. cities proved to be pretty difficult. But Erik is an amazing manager with a conveniently great reputation in the country’s butcher scene, so he came through for us every single night.”
Johnny Lee, owner of the Brass Bar music venue in Denver, was not thrilled by the band’s gesture.
“I guess it was cool seeing all those frowny guys so excited right here in my venue,” Lee said while mopping up a massive pile of hot, red goo. “But now not only does my bar look like the scene of a massacre, it smells like complete hell. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened though. I remember one time when we had that glam band Trick N’ Boots play a show here, they had a glitter cannon and completely covered the place. I swear that shit still comes out of our beer taps.”
At press time, Virus Ritual was seen vigorously attempting to scrub out the blood stains inside their rental tour van before returning it to Hertz.