Corey Arder, Author at HARDTIMES

We Sat Down With the Only Family Who Could Afford Blink-182 Tickets

Posted on October 15, 2022 by Audrey Vieira

Blink-182 fans across the country were shocked to see the ticket prices for the band’s upcoming tour. Now, divorced fathers everywhere are wondering how they’re going to afford $750 tickets to hear Tom DeLonge sing about fucking a dog.

However, one wealthy family of superfans is unfazed by these high ticket prices and has even made plans to attend multiple dates of the tour. After refreshing Ticketmaster for the eighth time to see that even the cheapest seats are still going for hundreds of dollars, we sat down with sisters Kim and Kourtney Kardashian to learn about the only family wealthy enough to afford Blink tickets.

The Hard Times: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us. What exactly do you do for a living?
Kim: I’m a businesswoman and a part-time law student but I also work in the television industry with my family. Do you ever watch reality shows on Hulu?

Sometimes. But we might have to cancel our staff subscription if we want to go to any more reunion shows. Speaking of that, do you think it’s unfair that people have to pay so much for these tickets?
Kourtney: I don’t think so. You know, we’re not Bezos-rich or anything. We’re more upper-middle class. My hubby Travis is always producing new material for Machine Gun Kelly and Lil Huddy just to make ends meet.
Kim: Personally, I’m with Kourt on this one. If you want to see your favorite band reunite, get your fucking ass up and work. I don’t know why nobody wants to work these days. It’s just a few hours of photoshoots here and there, maybe a confessional or two if your show is filming that day. Work sucks, I know. But it all pays off in the end.

Sure it does. So do you think Blink-182 is charging too much for tickets?
Kourtney: I don’t understand why so many people are complaining. My assistant spends twice that amount on decorative organic fruit for my kitchen. I think people will find any excuse to complain.
Kim: I’m more worried about the fact that we can only afford to travel to maybe five or six dates. Jet fuel is really expensive right now. It’s nearly impossible to get anywhere without my accountant saying something like “if you keep spending this much on private travel I won’t get my yearly bonus.” It’s like “hello, selfish much?”

10 Small Towns With Hilariously Inappropriate Names

Posted on October 15, 2022December 9, 2025 by James Knapp

Swampass, Mississippi

Named after Confederate General Ezekial Swampass III, this town is actually a centerpoint of traditional southern arts and culture, thanks largely to its theater The Grand Old Swamp House.

Drugsville, Maine

Following the opium craze of the early 1890s, Drugsville gradually declined in wealth and population, eventually leading to President Richard Nixon’s “War on Drugsville,” which further decimated the already very stoned town.

Only Racists Live Here, North Carolina

The sleepy hamlet of Only Racists Live Here takes its name from the Cherokee phrase onaratsha lisha rahe, which translate roughly to “let’s fuck off outta here, away from these assholes.”

Sexylvania, Arkansas

Despite the name, a recent survey of residents revealed that no one has had actual sex within the city limits of Sexylvania since 1952.

Reel Big Fish, Nebraska

According to census data, there is no record of this town existing before 1996. Oddly enough, it was around the same time that the village of Soundgarden disappeared off the face of the earth.

Hitler, Missouri

Nope! Bad name. Fuck this town.

The Place Where They Filmed “The Lord of the Rings,” New Zealand, Kentucky

Previously known as Chemical Warfare, Kentucky, this town’s board of commerce decided to change its name to increase tourism, going so far as to include ‘New Zealand’ in its forged identity much to the confusion of all involved.

Bear Taint, Nova Scotia

According to myth, this small fishing village was named in honor of the last sight most residents see immediately before they die horribly, though the cause of death remains unknown.

The Peninsula of Broken Dongs, Wyoming

This hilariously inappropriate name comes from the fact that Wyoming is stupidly landlocked. It couldn’t possibly be a peninsula. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Secret Underground Government Surveillance Facility, Kansas

It’s unclear where this small town’s name originated from – or why, after becoming the target of numerous, unfounded conspiracy theories, the town never elected to change the name. Regardless, this kooky Kansas community draws much of its charm from the numerous nuclear missile silos surrounding it, which we have been required by the NSA to clarify are “deactivated.”

Review: The Get Up Kids “Four Minute Mile”

Posted on October 15, 2022 by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times looks back on a notable album from punk history. This week we took an extended look at The Get Up Kids’ debut album “Four Minute Mile” because our mom cleaned out the basement and asked if we wanted any of our old CDs.

We were apprehensive at first, particularly because we thought we had blocked her number after she kept sending us links to anti-vax articles that all included a misspelled version of “variolation.” But after she listed off a few of the titles from our hard copy collection, which featured such gems as Everclear’s “So Much For the Afterglow” and the Malcolm In the Middle soundtrack, we decided the time was right to revisit the landmark emo album while we sifted through the rest of the repurposed OfficeMax box full of junk she dumped on us.

The album’s lead off track “Coming Clean” is the perfect reflection on past mistakes, as well as the ideal background music to have on as we uncovered our old pog collection and wondered why in the hell mom thought she had to save them all these years. They weren’t even valuable to us when they were new.

The Kids really cement their sound on tracks like “Don’t Hate Me” and “Stay Gold, Ponyboy,” which made us nostalgic for the whole second wave of midwest emo. What did not make us nostalgic, however, was the nine pairs of JNCOs we were forced to acknowledge were once a major aspect of our personality as we dug them out of the box. Please don’t judge us.

The standout track from the record is most likely “Shorty,” and when it came on we were instantly transported back to the summer of ‘97. We then immediately got an all-consuming desire to leave that transportation after we heard the electronic mewling of our old Tamagotchi, which had apparently remained alive and suffering nearly three decades later.

Needless to say, the box must now be destroyed along with whatever other remnant of our late ‘90s self is contained within. Anyways though, “Four Minute Mile” held up okay.

SCORE: 8 out of 10 regrettable ‘90s fads

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We Sat Down With a Bunch of Five Finger Death Punch Fans Because We Have Court Mandated Anger Management

Posted on October 14, 2022 by Zach Hudson

We acknowledge that sometimes our anger gets the best of us, and we acknowledge that we didn’t need to start a fight at the Reel Big Fish show, but we asked that guy very nicely to stop spilling his drink on us and he didn’t. So, here we are.

We didn’t really know what to expect in anger management, but a room made up entirely of men seemed about right. What we didn’t expect though, was to feel so out of place, because besides struggling with controlling their anger in a healthy manner, all of these men have one key thing in common: they all love Five Finger Death Punch.

It didn’t hit us until when it was his turn to share, one of the members said “I’m a little bit off today” and everyone smiled and clapped and threw up metal horns. After that, it was clear we were the only people in the group who didn’t own a shirt covered in skulls and brass knuckles.

There was so much camo in the room that at first, we thought we thought we were alone. Then we started wondering if we had accidentally walked into a combat veteran support group, but it turns out none of these guys have ever served. They just really like the military.

The flyer said there would be refreshments, but all they had was a fridge full of Monster, which everyone had multiple cans of during our one-hour meeting. We really wish we’d grown a goatee or chin strap before coming, because man, we stuck out like a sore thumb.

Apparently Ivan Moody himself is a member of the group, but one of the members, Jim, or “Pain” as he prefers to go by, told us he hasn’t shown up in a while. He just kind of drops in every few months, gives some fist bumps, and leaves.

Pain told us that last time he got pissed off when someone accidentally stepped on his foot, and he threw a chair and walked out. No one has heard from him since.

We still have seven more meetings to go to meet the court requirement. Believe me when we say we’ve learned our lesson. The mere thought of having to listen to “War is the Answer” cover to cover again is more than enough to make us take a good long look in the mirror. But if anyone ever does spill beer on us at a show again, Pain says he’s “got our six.”

Local Polygamist Ready to Settle Down and Start Families

Posted on October 14, 2022 by Sara Mellas

HILDALE, Utah – 28-year-old polygamist Jacob Jensen is ready to leave his bachelor days behind and become a devoted husband and father to a number of families, sources who never thought that would ever happen confirmed.

“I’ll admit, for the last decade, I’ve mostly only cared about myself. I’ve dated plenty of women and even had a few longer-term relationships simultaneously, but I’m finally ready to build something meaningful with my soulmates,” said Jensen, who was wearing a collared dress shirt buttoned all the way up. “Lately I’ve realized I’m not getting any younger, you know? It feels like it’s time for me to stop avoiding commitment and settle down with wives and have kids. I think I’ll have maybe seven or eight families tops. Anything more would just look ludicrous.”

Michael Christensen, Jensen’s best friend of over twenty years, fully supported his growth as a person.

“Jacob has always been a bit of a wild one, if you know what I mean. But he has a real good heart. Now that he’s decided to settle down, he’s going to make some women very happy,” said Christensen while scrolling Pinterest to research ideas for Jensen’s “Save the Dates” cards. “I assume I’ll be best man for at least a small handful of his weddings. After all, I’ve got his first four bachelor parties already planned out. His newfound maturity reminds me of the times my wives and I got married. It was the best handful of decisions I’ve ever made. He’s going to love it.”

Jensen’s parents are looking forward to finally becoming grandparents.

“All you can ask is that your kids are happy, healthy, and give you grandchildren as soon as humanly possible,” said Joseph Jensen. “Jacob’s grown up a lot in the last couple of years—he’s in a good place now. He works hard, has a great job. He’ll make an excellent husband and father. Our Jacob is such a handsome young man too. Several women would be lucky to marry him. I’m just excited that we’ll finally get the 40 to 50 grandkids we’ve always wanted!”

At press time, Jensen started second-guessing his decision after estimating the cost of multiple engagement rings, wedding ceremonies, and a few dozen kids’ college funds despite his strong desire to become a “families man.”

Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary Adds “Vinyls” Angering 45 Year-Olds Nationwide

Posted on October 14, 2022 by Jeff Cardello

BOSTON — Merriam-Webster caused 45-year-olds across the country to collectively blow a gasket by adding “vinyls” as an official entry to their list of recognized words, multiple divorced men confirmed.

“Since 1831 we’ve strived to keep up with the adaptations of the English language,” said Merriam-Webster Lexicographer Penelope Rutherford III. “Vinyls have seen a marked increase in popularity over the past few years and that has brought with it a new generation of collectors who have their own lingo. This has caused some older men to voice their displeasure on message boards, but guess what, only losers still use message boards. It’s like time for a vibe check grandpa.”

“We’re not the Cambridge English Dictionary or Oxford,” Rutherford added between sips of Earl Grey tea. “They need to realize that the Merriam-Webster dictionary just hits different.”

For many 45-year-olds using the term vinyls means more than just incorrectly using a word. It’s something they take as a personal insult.

“When they added the word ‘bae’ to the dictionary I wasn’t bothered. I don’t even know what ‘yeet’ and ‘cheugy’ are so that’s not a big deal. But seeing ‘vinyls’ as a listing almost killed me. I have high blood pressure and if another kid comes in here dressed like a background actor in ‘Seinfeld’ asking about vinyls I might not be around for much longer,” said 45-year-old Charlie Payton, owner of In the Pocket Records. “Record Store Day is bad enough, but if they ever change it to Vinyls Store Day I may just burn this place down.”

According to a recent poll, young people remain completely unaware of the pain this term is inflecting on the older generation.

“I love to go to Target and see what new vinyls they’ve got in,” said 17-year-old Hailey O’Connor. “So far I’ve got Taylor Swift vinyls. I’ve bought Drake vinyls. I’ve even found some more obscure stuff like Fleetwood Mac vinyls. I’ve been collecting six months, and I think I might actually be ready to buy a turntable. I saw this really cool one that looks like an old phonograph and it even has Bluetooth. I told my uncle about it and he was so excited that he passed out and hit his head really hard on the pavement.”

At press time, an online petition to remove “vinyls” from the dictionary has already amassed 75 signatures, representing a large amount of those who find the term offensive.

No Matter How Many Film Reviews I Write, I’ll Never Top “Air Dud”

Posted on October 14, 2022 by Dan Rice

It’s a bittersweet feeling to realize you’ve peaked, but at least when I look back up at my personal zenith I can honestly say, “not bad.”

I have been a reviewer of American films for over 25 years, first in the form of letters to the editor of my local penny saver and now for the popular website Medium. In 1997, at the beginning of my career I wrote a review I have not since, and now accept I will never out do.

Was it a review for “Goodwill Hunting” you ask? “Contact,” mayhaps? Perhaps Sly Stalone’s personal best “Cop Land”? Nay, dear reader twas not these nor any of the other amazing, amazing movies to grace the silver screen that year.

The very height of my creative prowess came at the hands (or should I say… paws?) of one Airward J. Bud.

When I watched Air Bud for the first time I thought it was the biggest piece of dog crap I had ever seen in my life, pun INTENDED! As the credits rolled I turned to my roommate and without even thinking about it just said “Air bud? More like Air DUD.” He laughed. I laughed. By the time he was done laughing I still had way more laughing to do, that’s when I knew I hit gold.

With a review title that good, it’s honestly all you need, but the muses were not done with me yet. What proceeded to flow from my fingers and into my Microsoft Word free trial was one of the most scathing indictments of an artistic work since the arrest of Lenny Bruce. I had a lot to work on since the central premise of this film is that a DOG could play basketball!

Seriously, a dog playing basketball, how ridiculous is that? Rule or no rule, it’s just absurd. I really hammered that point home in my review and it must have been successful, because to my knowledge a sequel to “Air Bud” has never been attempted.

I don’t think that dog has even worked again, and for the sake of our moviegoing eyeballs, I pray he never does.

None of my subsequent reviews, each brilliant in their own right, have captured the majesty of “Air Dud.” Not “She is certainly NOT all that!” (She’s All That, 1999) not “More like the Woke-trix!” (Matrix Resurrections, 2021) not even “Nope is right!” (Nope, 2022.) But still I march on.

Sometimes an artist just gets it right the first time I suppose. Arthur Conan Doyle never wrote a word before penning “Sherlock Holmes,” and while he never matched the success of that work, we all still remember him, just as future generations will remember me, the guy who proved “Air Bud” was a stupid movie.

Unless I can write something that convinces Disney to put a little more eye candy in “She Hulk,” I’ll just have to accept “Air Dud” as my legacy.

Real Life Monster Mash: Here’s a List of Everyone Who Flew on Jeffrey Epstein’s Plane

Posted on October 13, 2022 by Max Barth

Unless you’ve been sequestered in a spooky old castle this October, chances are you’ve already heard the novelty hit “The Monster Mash” at least once. How fun would it be if monsters actually got together and partied like that?! Turns out, not much fun at all.

The flight manifest logs for Jeffrey Epstein’s infamous “Lolita Express” has been released, and it’s got characters that make Dracula and The Wolf-man look like Mr. Rogers and Bob Ross.

Curiously, the flight manifest was written in song form.

I was refueling the jet – Jeffrey’s flight
When my eyes beheld a creepy sight,
For his passengers began to board
And suddenly there was a hoard

It was a mash, a monster mash
The monster mash, a white collar dash
A monster mash, horrid-crimes-for-cash
It was a mash….just a monster mash

Chris Tucker was there, for a rush hour flight
Bill Clinton and Trump, to spend the night
Moguls and titans from every city
Bipartisan banshees from the monster committee

Prince Andrew, of course, was in first class
Frequent flier miles served as his boarding pass,
Sinful second son with no coronation,
Now an expert on statutes of limitation

Ghislaine, Spacey, M. Gladwell and Gates
A cabal of self-dealers and sealers of fates
Authors and scholars from ivory castles,
A private jet full of private assholes

Dubin and Dershowitz,
Senators Mitchell and Glenn
A Who’s-Who of
“What, now?”
“How could they?”
And
“When?”

It was a mash, a monster mash
The monster mash, a white collar dash
A monster mash, evil-crimes-for-cash
It was a mash….just a monster mash

All manner of rich –
Nouveau to old wealth –
Toasted their host,
And wished him good health

Decades of decadence,
Violence and vice,
The monsters mashed on,
Rolling the dice,

And then it was over,
All tied up one day,
One monster left hanging,
The rest let away

The Next Weezer? This Band Constantly Releases New Material but Most of It Sucks

Posted on October 13, 2022 by Audrey Vieira

Whether you love them or hate them, you cannot deny that Weezer is a band that makes music. Not all of the music is good, but it’s still nice to see Rivers Cuomo and his friends continue to put out albums that disappoint literally everyone. Unfortunately, they’ve inspired another band to do the same.

Indie rock band Goat Garden has released six albums in the last three years, experimenting with everything from hair metal to mainstream pop, but nothing good enough to sell tickets to their shows. Nevertheless, frontman Todd Hillshire seems to enjoy making these mediocre albums, as demonstrated by his enthusiastic response to the Weezer comparisons.

“The next Weezer? I hope so, those guys rock!” Hillshire said. “Rivers and I chat on Discord all the time. I’ve always been inspired by his willingness to make as much content as possible, especially when it leads to bold, experimental material like Van Weezer and the SZNZ collection.”

Hillshire’s ex-girlfriend Jessica Gladwin also views Goat Garden as a potential successor to Weezer, but clarified that this comparison was not meant as a compliment. “Yes, Todd is kind of like Rivers Cuomo. He writes a lot. I never said he writes well but he writes a lot.”

Even Hillshire’s best friend, merch guy Colin Lenz, is concerned about the trajectory of the band’s ever-expanding discography, which has surpassed Weezer in both quantity and lack of quality. “I love Todd! Todd loves making music and he’s keeping me employed,” Lenz confided while checking merch orders, eagerly hoping for the first.

At press time, Goat Garden announced plans to release two more albums before the end of the year, one of which will consist entirely of covers.

Staff of 24 Hour Denny’s Beginning to Suspect Local Band of Living in Corner Booth

Posted on October 13, 2022 by Maggie D’Isa-Hogan

LOS ANGELES — Staff at the Melrose Avenue Denny’s location are beginning to openly question if the members of local punk band Governmatricide are using the corner booth they have occupied for the past 72 hours as permanent housing.

“I’ve been down this road before. These kids see a neon 24-hour sign and think their prayers are answered,” said veteran night manager Vanessa Melville. “Well, God don’t answer prayers and neither does Denny. They think they can handle the physical toll of eating breakfast all day, but they don’t know what they’re in for. They can sleep in shifts and take turns washing their hair in the bathroom sink, but I ain’t never seen anyone last longer than a week in this hell hole. A ska band made it six days back in ‘94, but the less I say about them the better. God rest their souls.”

Members of the band claim they are not moving in despite the booth being fully adorned with gear and dirty laundry.

“We’re just here to decompress after a show. We are all such big fans of the food here that it’s been tough for us to pull ourselves away,” said frontman Robert Canes, as he and his bandmates set up several instruments and a selection of sound equipment in the booth. “No big deal, we have a home to go back to. Nothing happened to it. It’s a fully functioning house and our landlord definitely isn’t trying to sue us for some sort of ‘freak explosion’ that leveled the property. I don’t even know what I’m saying. The pancakes here are so good they have my brains scrambled almost as much as the delicious eggs I plan on ordering in a few hours.”

Medical experts are beginning to more clearly understand the dangers of using diners as full-time housing.

“We’re seeing more and more musicians come through our doors suffering from scurvy and anemia,” said nutritionist Dr. Alejandro Rodreguiz. “Steak N Shake, Jack in the Box, Waffle House, all 24-hour chains are experiencing an influx of people putting down roots in their establishments. This poses a serious public health hazard. They’ve had some promising results at 24-hour Whataburgers with adding THC Redbull fruit smoothies to the menu, which provides these musicians with vital vitamin C.”

At press time, Denny’s staff was forced to call the police to help remove an improv troupe from the premises after they entered a seventh day of asking customers for a place, occupation, and a type of food.