Press "Enter" to skip to content

Band Opening for Porky Pig Regrets Letting Him Borrow Kick Drum

LOS ANGELES — Members of Hollywood mainstays Eager Young Space Cadet regret letting headliner Porky Pig borrow their kick drum after he inflicted some extreme, albeit expected, damage, sources confirmed.

“At first I was excited to meet such a legend, he’s such a huge influence on our sound and worldview. It’s not every gig you get to meet someone you’ve respected since kindergarten. I mean, our band’s named after the guy,” said Eager Young Space Cadet drummer Alan Amaretto. “But when I watched him end his set by bursting headfirst through my drum head, which I bought with my own money, and all he could muster was ‘That’s All Folks!’ I was like ‘Shit. That IS all, folks.’ I’m done.”

Band members report that, while this is a gross misdeed on the animated swine’s part, it comes with the territory of opening for cartoon characters.

“I don’t want to sound negative, but I swear, I’ll never open for a cartoon character again. This was the last straw,” fumed guitarist Louden Kingsley. “It was the same goddamn thing when we did that festival with the Pink Panther who borrowed my guitar and painted the whole thing fuchsia to evidently ‘match his aesthetic.’ What a jerk.”

The iconic “Looney Tunes” personality understood the band’s feelings, but had a rather unsympathetic retort.

“Look, I understand what it’s like to be an up-and-comer, I’ve played second fiddle to the rabbit and the duck since they burst onto the scene,” said the “Merrie Melodies” star from his Burbank office. “But these kids were fans of mine, they were familiar with my work…They should have known what they were getting into when I asked to borrow it. Heck, it’s a badge of honor. When you see Bruce Springsteen, you want to see him play ‘Born To Run.’ When you see Paul McCartney, you want to see him play ‘Hey Jude.’ And when you buy a ticket to see Porky goddamn Pig, you want to see him burst through the head of a big kick drum and say ‘Th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!’ I’m just trying to give my fans what they came for.”

In an act of good faith, Mr. Pig purchased the band a new bass drum for their trouble, but unfortunately it was ordered from an Acme catalog.