JACKSON, Mich. — A local American black bear family proudly displayed the stuffed head of the elusive Ted Nugent as a trophy above their cabin’s fireplace after hunting him over several days, several furry sources report.
“I couldn’t believe I actually bagged the fuckin’ ‘Nuge. This guy has been terrorizing these woods with his bow and arrow for years,” said Papa Bear. “Then one day I was foraging for some berries, minding my own business and he was just sitting there, out in the middle of the woods ranting into his phone about liberals. I knew I had to take a shot. He made quite a yelp before taking off, bleeding out for a few yards and collapsing. Now when I’m home and I look up at my fireplace to see his weird, psychotic eyes and gross stringy chin hair, it brings me back to the joy I felt that day. Definitely my crowning achievement.”
Nugent’s agent Daryl Berntly appeared to be in a state of panic after knowing his client was now stuffed wall decor.
“We are screwed,” Berntly said while on the verge of hyperventilating. “Ted is supposed to be the guest of honor at a huge MAGA rally in South Carolina this week, and all we have is his headless corpse! If we rig it up right he might still be able to play ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ but it won’t be the same without his mouth yelling the words and tearing down the left. We do have a plan to possibly sneak into that bear’s home and steal our precious Ted’s head back, but I’m not going to be able to get my hands on a sufficient amount of salmon to distract the bears long enough to make my move. Guess the MAGA crowd will just have to settle for Kid Rock as long as he doesn’t get himself taxidermied in the meantime.”
Wildlife conservationist Sandra Baker explained how wild animals have been trophy hunting classic rock musicians for decades.
“Each year, we receive several reports of musicians being hunted down in the woods by bears for sport,” Baker explained. “For some reason, classic rock and metal musicians are typically ones we find the bodies of, but their heads are taken as trophies. Some do escape, however. Ever since he narrated that documentary on hunting bears in Alaska, James Hetfield has been numero uno in the world of rock and roll trophy hunting.”
At the time of press, the black bear family was seen taking a custom AK-47/guitar to an appraiser to have it authenticated.