Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Animal Crossing Themed Switch Controller Disappears in Puff of Smoke After 10 Uses

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Chandler Dean

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — After using his Animal Crossing themed Switch controller exactly 10 times, local gamer Jonathan Maislin was disappointed to watch it disappear into a puff of smoke, right before his eyes.

“I guess I figured the controller was a pretty important item, so I assumed it wouldn’t break so easily,” said Maislin, as he fumbled around his room searching for supplies that could conceivably be cobbled together to craft a new controller. “Next time I’ll have to upgrade from flimsy Joy-Cons to the sturdier Pro Controller. I heard you get, like, 30 uses out of that one.”

That day, Maislin spent hours shaking his cabinets, digging in his drawers, and thwacking his ottoman in search of raw materials. Eventually, he collected the necessary ingredients: batteries, a CPU chip, metal, and plastic, plus 30 handfuls of clay he couldn’t come up with a use for.

Despite this step forward, Maislin soon discovered that virtually every key tool in his gaming setup would eventually break and need replacing.

“I looked up like ten hints on my phone, and boom — it needed to be recharged,” complained Maislin. “Then, I was trying to snack, but after ten scoops of spinach dip, poof — dip’s gone. I’m starting to worry the couch might break soon if I sit on it too many times.”

When reached for comment, a representative from Nintendo insisted that the controller’s fragility was a deliberate part of the gameplay experience.

“In Animal Crossing: New Horizons, players build their entire island from scratch,” said Maxine McDonald, VP of Communications at Nintendo of America. “We’re proud to extend that functionality to every aspect of the game, including the barely functional controller. In fact, the mail-in program to fix drifting Joy-Cons was actually a teaser for Animal Crossing’s letter-sending mechanic. We hope all of our fans who’ve been DIY crafting USPS packages containing their broken controllers have been enjoying sending letters and gifts to their friends in New Horizons! Also, we apologize for the inconvenience with your broken controllers.”

At press time, Maislin’s attempt to craft his own controller was thwarted when his landlord refused to let him use the apartment building’s construction table.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Reddit Relationship Post Clearly About Banjo and Kazooie

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SPIRAL MOUNTAIN — A new post on Reddit’s r/relationship_advice by an anonymous user was quickly identified by fans to be about the famous bear and bird duo Banjo and Kazooie.

“I just feel like I’m being used,” begins the now-deleted Reddit post entitled My (36F Bird) boyfriend (38M Bear) keeps pulling me out of his backpack and using me as a gun. “I have no agency in this relationship. For the most part, I don’t get to decide where we go — I rarely get to be the one walking. I get shit talked constantly by strangers, and my boyfriend never defends me. He uses me as a tool, he smacks me against other people. He ground pounds me. But I just don’t know what to do, he’s the only person I really know and I still love him.”

Commentators quickly picked up on the fact that the post seemed to have been written by Kazooie about her boyfriend Banjo.

“I think I know who this is, but sis, dump that only-pants-wearing motherfucker,” said one reply to the Reddit thread. “Throw the whole bear away.”

“Obviously this is anonymous but if it is who I think it is, maybe you should just appreciate your boyfriend more?” said another reply. “He’s the one gathering most of the jigsaw puzzles and musical notes. I think everybody sucks here.”

After some time, however, many commentators began to discuss whether or not the post was a troll pretending to be Kazooie.

“This is way too obviously supposed to be Banjo and Kazooie. Bad troll is bad,” replied one comment. “Kazooie has been on record saying that she loves Banjo and has nothing bad to say about him. Just watch any video of them, they’re clearly mad happy. This is so fake lol.”

As of press time, a spokesperson from Rare clarified that neither Banjo or Kazooie could have written the Reddit post because both are illiterate.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Hogwarts Professors Really Struggling With Zoom Classes

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Jordan Breeding

SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS — Professors at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft admit they’re struggling with teaching students remotely via Zoom several months into a devastating outbreak of Scrofungulus sweeping across the country.

“As soon as my scraggly owl Juniper Squiggledick gave me the news we were shutting down, the first thing I thought was, ‘Oh, God — they’re going to force me to use one of those toplap mirror portals, aren’t they?’” said Professor Filius Flitwik, balancing precariously on a pile of broken Dell laptop computers. “Every time I demonstrate a Levitation spell, I accidentally blast my mirror portal into the ceiling. The school doesn’t reimburse me for these and I’m starting to go broke.”

Additionally, magical educators are combating rampant cheating among certain students — in particular, muggle-born students with an extreme advantage over their pure-blooded peers.

“I’m crushing my classes now. When McGonagall has us practice transfigurations, I just let my cat run offscreen, say a few Latin words, play a ‘poof’ sound effect on my iPhone, and then grab a broom I had under my desk,” explained student Geoffrey Needlepeen. “I really blew her mind when I transformed myself into a talking potato using a Snapchat filter.”

However, the biggest challenge facing the wizarding community is the possibility of exposure. The Ministry of Magic has lifted its restrictions on underage magic wielders using their powers outside of school, but at a higher risk of being outed.

“Yeah… now that you mention it, all sorts of weird shit has been happening recently,” said Karen Foggycock, a muggle. “I was walking to the grocery store the other day, and I saw a flash of green light come from one of the houses on my street… and then what I can only describe as 1,000 anthropomorphic roots ran past me into the street and down a sewer. I woke up a few hours later having no recollection of what happened until just now.”

As of press time, J.K. Rowling was wandering around Diagon Alley, yelling about how Scrofungulus is analogous to AIDS and that Hagrid was a pansexual deviant.

Plandemic Video Reveals Shocking Truth on How Fucking Dumb All Your Friends Are

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Alec Stein

WASHINGTON — The new viral bombshell “Plandemic” has revealed a simple, shocking truth: that all of your friends are dribbling, incognizant fucking morons who are no better equipped to make informed decisions than the rocks they call pets, you confirmed after a marathon session of unfollowing everyone who shared the video.

“A lot of my friends started listening to Joe Rogan a few years back, and it sent them down a path of ‘freethinking’ — but most of their new beliefs were easily debunked conspiracy theories from websites selling dick pills,” you said dejectedly. “My friends sharing this video with absolute certainty are the same ones who used to shit in plastic bags and have ‘poo balloon’ fights every Fourth of July. Somehow, I never knew the same guy who got expelled from high school for shooting a potato gun at the principal’s car also became an epidemiologist overnight.”

“The worst part is, they think I’m the dumb one… and that I’m brainwashed simply because I don’t get my news from discredited scientists,” you added.

Despite the overwhelming body of evidence that every last one of your friends who shared “Plandemic” with a caption like, “u need too see this,” is an incompetent, pants-pissing imbecile barely hanging on to their position at the top of the food chain, not everyone is convinced.

“I’m sorry if you’re too dumb to realize that COVID-19 can be cured by the healing microbes of the beach. I’ve been eating as much sand as I can get my hands on, and I’m healthy as fuck,” said Derek Schmidt, your Facebook friend currently under house arrest for punching a horse he claims ‘looked at him funny’ at a petting zoo. “I’ve been doing my own research, and I’ve seen a lot of memes that show Dr. Fauci created AIDS to use vaccines to start a new world order. Everyone needs to wake up before it’s too late.”

An anonymous Pentagon source confirmed the government’s clandestine role in concealing your friends’ complete and utter lack of higher brain function for so long.

“We did what we had to,” said the source. “The public just wasn’t ready to know how inconceivably moronic all your friends are. If you suddenly realized their vote counted the same as yours, you might end up jumping off a bridge. We did it for your protection. After ‘Loose Change’ we had to up our efforts, but ‘Plandemic’ has blown the whole thing apart.”

At press time, you were seen in your bathroom, splashing cold water on your face before calling your parents to let them know that everything they share on Facebook originates from right wing hate groups.

This Shelter Dog Looks Just Like Gene Simmons So We Are Putting It Down

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

It is a time of uncertainty in the world. Between a global pandemic, unemployment, and scarce resources, no one knows anything for sure anymore. Well, a photo of a shelter dog bearing a stunning resemblance to KISS member Gene Simmons is blowing up on Reddit right and there’s one thing we are certain of — we need to raise awareness to this poor doggo’s condition and implore the shelter to put this thing out of its misery.

No being, man or beast, should be forced to live life looking like this. We are doing this poor guy a favor. People walk by his pen and recoil in horror as they are immediately reminded that KISS exists. It is not fair to the patrons and the shelter workers, let alone this poor doggy. Let’s just take this thing out back and put a love gun to its head.

The shelter is actually a no-kill shelter so we’re gonna have to work really hard to end this dog’s suffering. Perhaps a Change.org petition to transfer him to a high-kill shelter would be the most proactive route to take. Or maybe burn the whole shelter down. This dog does not want to rock and roll all night. He wants to die. We put a mirror in front of him and the look in his eyes said “Detroit rock city.” Do we need further proof?

God may have given rock and roll to you, but this dog was a gift from Beelzebub, himself. Unfortunately, we can’t do anything about Simmons and his shitty music but we can do something about this unfortunate mongrel. Typically I am not a proponent of eugenics but this was a mistake of nature. It is our duty to correct that mistake. Please, look into your hearts and kill this dog.

Missouri Punk Band Paid in Exposure to COVID-19

Posted on May 11, 2020 by Bobby Korec

ST. LOUIS — Local punk band Dead Houseplants will play Locust Street’s Fubar in exchange for free exposure to COVID-19 yesterday after Missouri leadership gave the green light to reopen music venues across the state.

“Our state slogan is, ‘Let the welfare of the people be the supreme law,’ and I have to admit, I have no idea what that means. All I know is that it has the icky word ‘welfare’ in it,” said Gov. Mike Parson. “A lot of venues are struggling right now, so we understand that paying a band in money is tough. But by exposing them to this virus they could make thousands with a GoFundMe campaign.”

“I mean, the best case scenario is that someone will dig the band’s music and buy some merch to jumpstart the economy, but we know that won’t happen,” Parson continued. “It’s far more likely that someone will unknowingly pass along a highly infectious disease that’s currently decimating human civilization on a global scale, the likes of which we’ve never seen before, and will kill everyone who was at that venue, as well as their families. But hey, this is America — we want people to have the freedom to do what they want.”

Consequently, the band voiced their concern about reopening venues too soon.

“I’m super excited about playing live again. I don’t know anyone that has this disease, so as far as I’m concerned it’s not a real threat,” guitarist Jimmy Laderdon said while smoking a cigarette and drinking a Tecate. “We’ve donated plenty of drink tickets to COVID-19 relief efforts and streamed a bunch of Instagram live shows that’ve had several views. So we’ve done our part to help — now it’s time to get back to normal.”

Experts have been speculating on the impact of the pandemic on the economy.

“If we’ve learned anything from this pandemic, it’s that our fragile economy doesn’t work unless it’s disproportionately benefiting corporations, and that means butts in the seats,” said economist Nancy Bendleton. “Sure, you or a loved one might get sick and die unnecessarily, but aren’t you just so bored at home and itching to get back to earning a barely livable wage to avoid a nationwide recession while your state representatives get a free pass? A little exposure to ‘rona is a small price to pay for a thriving economy that mainly crushes the little guy.”

At press time, show promoters announced that, in addition to COVID-19, infectious diarrhea and Ebola were both expected to make an appearance at the event.

Former Reddit Mod Successfully Re-Enters Society as Wikipedia Editor

Posted on May 10, 2020 by Andy Holt

PITTSBURGH — After many shameful years working in the underworld of Reddit moderation, local pedantic jerk Martin Thurn claims to have turned over a new leaf, using his unique skills for good by editing Wikipedia pages.

“Even after I left that horrible life behind, the things I did in that, that place… they stuck with me,” said Thurn, 37, who could not say the word “Reddit” without succumbing to a wave of shame and regret. “Did I ban people for disagreeing with me? Yes. Did I give one-word answers to long, complicated questions? I am sorry to say that I did. When people asked me to take down content that was stolen from them, did I help them out? Not once. Never.”

While Thurn had no hope of erasing his past sins, he hoped to apply his uniquely shitty personality to help society, by editing obscure articles on Wikipedia.

“My past life taught me a lot about abusing a tiny amount of power to feel more valuable as a person. I don’t want to waste that experience,” said Thurn, fresh off a three-hour argument about the use of passive voice in the page about Slovenian ice dancer Evgeni Striganov. “One morning I looked at myself in the mirror and realized, the fact is that I’m a condescending asshole, and I can’t change that. All I can do is accept it and harness it for good.”

When he is not editing Wikipedia articles, Thurn also donates his time to talk to young know-it-alls, who face increased risk of falling into Reddit moderation. He speaks openly with them about his past, but there is one topic that unfailingly brings him to tears.

“These fingers, they directed so many innocent people to the rules along the sidebar. So, so many,” Thurn said, holding up his trembling hands. “I will carry them with me forever.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Apparently the Only Way to Get a ‘Valorant’ Key Now Is to Click On This Article

Posted on May 10, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

LOS ANGELES — In a totally surprising turn of events that we’re just as surprised about as you are, Riot Games has announced that apparently the only way to get an access key to the closed Valorant beta is to click on this article.

“Previously, gamers have only been able to get a beta key for Valorant by watching streams of people playing the beta themselves on a Twitch account linked to a Riot account with drops enabled,” said Riot Games CEO Nicolo Laurent in a statement. “We listened to our fans who told us this whole system was too complicated. To make sure that as many people as possible get their hands on the game without any confusion, the official source of all keys for the remainder of the closed beta will be the article linked below,” the statement concluded, followed by a URL that leads to, weirdly enough, this exact article.

In the wake of the unexpected announcement, popular Twitch streamers say the viewer counts of their Valorant streams have dropped significantly.

“There’s just no reason for anyone to watch me stream the beta when anyone can click on that [Hard Drive article] and then start playing it themselves,” said VirtualBrendan3, an up-and-coming streamer whose recent Valorant streams had earned him dozens of new subscribers. “If you ask me, it’s clear that streaming is dead and journalism is the future. This is proof.”

This story is still developing.

UPDATE: Sources say that since Riot’s announcement, some readers who have clicked on this article immediately received a Valorant beta key. It is not yet clear what conditions need to be met to receive a key, but a popular theory circulating on r/Valorant suggests that sharing this article with your friends increases your odds significantly.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: Stop Calling Me a Hypochondriac, You Have No Idea What It’s Like to Live With Every Illness

Posted on May 10, 2020 by Erin McLaughlin

I’m so sick of everyone calling me a hypochondriac. It puts excess strain on my life and makes me doubt myself, which is not something I need to deal with right now. How dare you challenge my experience in any way when you aren’t the one living with every conceivable illness.

If you don’t know how it feels to be diagnosed with Cancer by a WebMD quiz, you can shove your judgments up your neurotypical, non-inflamed ass. People compliment my double eyelashes—a genetic mutation indicative of early-onset Alzheimers—instead of feeling bad that it causes inflamed eyelids, sometimes slightly elevated blood pressure, and severe OCD; all rare symptoms of the leprosy/aneurysm/heart attack that I am on the cusp of at all times.

As if that isn’t bad enough, my so-called “doctors” never know what they’re doing. My ophthalmologist won’t believe that my floaters are caused by non-age related macular degeneration because obviously his dilation drops are faulty or something. My dentist says that I don’t need a root canal because my pain is just from a sinus infection. At least he acknowledged my pain, but being forced to teach my own medical professionals is exhausting.

Don’t even get me started on the people who complain to me about their relationships. They don’t understand what it’s like to have trauma from an ex with incredibly rare Antisocial Personality Disorder, according to a Psychology Today headline I skimmed.

How about this? If you’re cool I’ll tell you what supplements to take for your various self-diagnosed ailments. But if you keep calling me a hypochondriac, I hope that you someday have to deal with having a brain tumor, uterine fibroids, three-years-long misdiagnosed chlamydia, and Lymes Disease all at the same time. Only then will you know how it feels to be a much less sick version of me.

Experts Predict Co-Quarantined Girlfriend’s Patience Set to Peak in 2-3 Weeks

Posted on May 10, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

SEATTLE — A new model from the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation at the University of Washington shows that the patience of local woman Emma Simmons will peak in just over two weeks due her living situation during the COVID-19 quarantine, sources walking on eggshells confirmed.

“We have to state that this model is a very conservative estimate. Ms. Simmons has been stuck inside with her long-term boyfriend for almost 30 days, and his constant jokes are really wearing on her. Not to mention, he only seems interested in video games and has completely relaxed on how often he flatulates in front of her,” noted lead researcher Donna Landis. “When she finally loses it, the apartment will be completely overwhelmed with issues she’s been bottling up, and we fear her boyfriend does not have the mental capacity to handle it.”

Tony Clifford, the boyfriend who has no idea how close he is to being dumped on a daily basis, is completely unaware of the crisis at hand.

“I think Emma and I are killing this quarantine shit. We’ve been thinking about moving in with each other anyway, and this is a good little test,” said Clifford shortly after removing his socks and leaving them on the living room table. “Other than the fact she started grinding her teeth in her sleep, and the sudden institution of ‘quiet time’ where I’m not allowed to talk or look at her between noon and 4 p.m., there’s really nothing different than before.”

Despite the dire prediction, Simmons remains optimistic she can ride out the quarantine.

“Yes, this has been very eye opening for me. I knew Tony had some bad habits, but I never really expected to be tested on this level — anytime he burps and then blows it towards me, I just pick up a book and read on the back porch for a while. I’ve read 18 books in three weeks,” said Simmons, trying to hide an eye twitch. “I’ve been texting a lot with my sister and some other friends, and they’re going through the exact same thing, so I take comfort that I’m not the only one. But I swear, if Tony doesn’t wash the blood out of the sink after he brushes his teeth again, I’m going to flip out.”

Experts warn that even after quarantine, Simmons’ patience will further be tested in the fall when Clifford eventually forgets their two-year anniversary and her birthday over the same week.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News