Superman Asks Waiter If There’s Kryptonite in His Meal

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

METROPOLIS — Local superhero Superman reportedly asked his waiter at a restaurant last night if there was any kryptonite in his salmon meal.

“Yeah I get that some people really have a kryptonite allergy or whatever, but I don’t know. I think this guy was full of shit,” said Chrissy May, Superman’s waiter. “There’s definitely some big no-kryptonite diet craze going on and people love to make a big deal out of not having kryptonite, so they lie and say it will make them sick. Yeah right, buddy. You can have a little glowing green rock salt on your salmon like the rest of us. Everybody wants a special order.”

Even those closest to Superman have reportedly questioned whether or not his kryptonite related illnesses are legitimate.

“He really made sure I heard that he wasn’t gonna have kryptonite. I think he was just trying to impress me by showing that he’s on a diet,” said Superman’s date, journalist Lois Lane. “He makes a big stink about kryptonite, but I think it’s a fad or pseudoscience. The next time I have him over my place and I cook, I think I’m gonna run a little experiment and slip some kryptonite into what I make. See if it makes him have a belly ache or something.”

As of press time, Superman denied any claims that he was just saying he couldn’t be near kryptonite without falling immediately ill and said he had never heard of the popular Lex Luthor no-kryptonite diet sweeping the nation.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Mother’s Day Breakfast-in-Bed Obstructed by Ventilator

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Margery Watson’s annual Mother’s Day breakfast-in-bed was obstructed by her unsightly ventilator due to complications from an advanced case of COVID-19, depressed and annoyed sources report.

“We’re all trying to act like things are normal, and this dumb thing keeps getting in the way and spilling orange juice all over her,” said her husband Jack. “It was hard enough forcing our way past a bunch of annoying nurses to see her — now we have to cram in next to this thing?”

“And that sound it makes!” he added. “It’s like if Darth Vader smoked cigarillos. Honestly, we’re thinking about unplugging and moving it, just for a moment, while we get a shot of her with her eggs Florentine. I might eat them after — she doesn’t seem too hungry.”

Health and safety experts urge forgoing traditional Mother’s Day gatherings to minimize contact with any sick family members.

“I think I’ve lost faith in humanity… or at least, families,” confided Dr. Louise Titre. “The fact that you would risk someone’s safety just to give them a fucking greeting card and mylar balloon is beyond comprehension. Look at this dumb card: it’s got a pigsty on it that reads, ‘We’re hog-wild for our mom.’ Is this what’s important to people? Keep fucking with our equipment, and she won’t be around this time next year. I mean, I get it — I’m a mom, and I’m not happy my kids are treating me like a goddamn leper. The least they could do is make me breakfast-on-the-couch-in-the-garage-cuz-mommy-might-have-been-exposed-to-a-deadly-virus.”

Moms worldwide are struggling with losing the “one fucking day of the year where they get to relax.”

“This is a case where the cure may actually be worse than the virus,” explained Lorraine Quinzel, a professor of women’s studies at Cornell University. “Quarantine places an extraordinary psychological strain on the nation’s moms, mamas, and mem-mems. Without Mother’s Day, I foresee a national mental breakdown. And I’m not just saying that because my own daughter only sent me a text with seven spelling errors, including my own name. Oh, and a gift card to Fuddruckers. Great, can’t wait to go there next year, or whenever this bullshit ends. There’s no point in being a mom if you don’t get your own holiday.”

The Watson family is currently planning a family reunion to celebrate their Great-Grandma Edith’s 100th and final birthday.

Anime Mom Struggles Every Day to Not Die for Her Child’s Tragic Backstory

Posted on by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

SHINJUKU, Japan — Local anime mother Ruka Hanae is struggling every day to avoid dying a horrible death that would inevitably be woven into a tragic backstory for her child, according to local sources.

Hanae has reportedly been incredibly cautious ever since her husband, who she implied was a powerful demon lord in disguise, mysteriously vanished one day. Since his disappearance, she’s been balancing raising her spiky-haired son Naito, 7, by herself and doing everything she can to stay alive so the tragedy can’t be used to fill in gaps in his development as a character.

“I’ve been very diligent with these things,” Hanae stated in an interview. “I make sure my son doesn’t run into the street so I don’t have to shield him from an oncoming truck or anything like that. I’m also very mindful of my health to avoid coming down with any poorly-defined but fatal diseases. I’ve even started taking martial arts lessons in case any of my missing husband’s rivals ever decide to target me and my son for revenge.” 

According to her brother, Isamu, she’s also stopped driving herself to work and opts to use public transportation or get rides from him when she can.

“The commuting has been a bit of a hassle for her,” Isamu stated. “But you never hear anything about moms having accidents on a train or in their brothers’ cars or anything. I’ve heard stuff like that only happens when moms stare lovingly at their kids’ faces when they’re driving, so I think she’s just being extra careful about it.”

Hanae is supposedly prepared to steer clear of any and all causes of untimely deaths for the next decade, at least. She hopes that other moms will heed her warning if their children are born with weird hair or if their husbands are involved in some demonic or nefarious dealings.

“Bad shit always seems to happen to moms until at least their kids’ 18th birthdays, so we really need to be ready for anything. If we’re careful enough, we can at least become side characters while our kids are off doing whatever ‘chosen one’ nonsense they end up getting involved in.”

As of press time, Hanae was seen cutting her hair vigorously, abandoning her once-preferred hairstyle of one long braid draped over her right shoulder.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Man Old Enough to Remember a Time When MTV Still Played Room Raiders

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SPANISH FORT, Ala. — Millennial Thomas Cervantes proudly stated today that he’s old enough to remember when MTV still played “Room Raiders” and other reality shows on which the network was “originally built” before becoming “the totally different garbage dump” it is today, shocked slightly older sources confirmed.

“Jeez, they don’t make TV like that anymore — ‘Next,’ ‘Room Raiders,’ ‘Parental Control’ — shows from back when MTV still stood for something. But now instead of the amazing shows I remember, like ‘Jersey Shore’ and ‘Real World/Road Rules Challenge,’ it’s shallow crap like ‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ and ‘The Challenge,’” said Cervantes. “Without revealing my exact age, let me just say I’m old enough to also remember when MTV2 actually still played music videos. Yep, I’m that old.”

53-year-old coworker Traci Hamilton was surprised by Cervantes’s complaints.

“As a Gen Xer, I always thought hating MTV was our thing — ‘Music Television’ hasn’t been recognizable to me since 1995. So, I was especially surprised to hear a Millennial being nostalgic for that early 2000s crap,” said Hamilton. “Thomas doesn’t seem to realize the channel used to be just music: I kept pressing him to tell me what the “m” in MTV stood for, and he admitted he assumed it was a “My Super Sweet Sixteen” reference.”

MTV executive Simon Webster is very familiar with the complaints of former viewers like Cervantes.

“Frankly, we agree it’s time for MTV to get back to its roots. Not music, obviously. I mean, MTV’s roots circa 2001: confining horny teens to vans while other horny teens raid their rooms for semen stains and dildos,” said Webster. “At some point, MTV strayed too far from it’s path. But the fact is, horny teens are why I got into the TV business in the first place. Hell, American television was built on the backs of horny teens.”

Currently, Cervantes is being treated for a mild heart episode brought on by the realization that TLC, the basic cable network he remembered from childhood once known as “The Learning Channel,” is now home to such thought-provoking programs as “90 Day Fiance,” “My 600 Pound Life,” and “Sex Sent Me to the ER.”

Klan Member Suddenly Opposed to Wearing Shitty Homemade Masks

Posted on by Noah Leavy

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local Klan member and conservative activist David Mount has changed his views on wearing masks in public following recent stay-at-home orders and suggested safe social guidelines.

“Hell, us boys love a hand-sewn mask as much as anyone. My mother makes ‘em for all of us, and I find they can be a great way to show people right off the bat how passionate and patriotic you are,” said Mount. “But when these libtards were asleep at the wheel, they let China create this virus — and then they tell us we gotta wear masks and shelter in place? That’s when the real patriots buckle down, put on our classiest Mag extensions, and start demonstrating. Wake up.”

Mount’s mother Eustace Fischer, who confirmed she “may have put together some robes for cross-burning ceremonies,” expressed pride in her son’s ideology, albeit tinged with concerns about her son’s devil-may-quarantine attitude.

“Davey’s always been willing to stand up for what’s right, and that’s fulfilling for any parent… but in my day you always listened to the doctors, as long as they were white. Used to be able to trust the Chinese ones, too,” remarked Ms. Fischer as she completed a pastoral needle point embroidery scene. “It used to be, ‘If I’m gonna die, I’ll die with my hood on’ with Davey, but now it’s, ‘I’d rather die free than wear one of those New World Order masks.’ I just hope he figures it out.”

Local lobbyist Brian Green explained that such ideological shifts may represent a considerable victory for a unified conservative movement.

“How do you get the Klan to turn against cloth face-coverings? Simple. You show them that their lifestyle is at stake,” said Green, absentmindedly fidgeting with an iPhone in his salmon-colored pants pocket. “Americans from all walks of life are tired of being coddled by a dishonest nanny state. This isn’t about a mask or a hood — this is about the freedom to go outside against medical order and expose thousands of people to a completely preventable disease. And guns, somehow.”

At press time, conservative protesters placed a temporary hold on celebrating law enforcement above human life.

Opinion: I Just Did a Massive Friend Purge and If You’re Reading This, Congrats, I Desperately Want to Have Sex With You

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

Somewhere along the way, my Facebook newsfeed changed from being a fun place to ogle bikini pics from girls I knew in high school, to a never-ending stream of fully clothed, only mildly attractive dudes just doing normal life things. So what happened?

I wasn’t careful and I wasn’t selective. When I was younger I made sure to at least scroll through a potential friend’s profile pictures to ensure they weren’t afraid to show at least some sloppy cleavage now and again. But as I got older I felt a strange obligation to accept requests from close friends or work acquaintances I got along really well with. Tragically, I just stopped caring. Is this what depression is? I’m inclined to say emphatically yes.

Well, it’s time to break out of this funk. Enough with these toxic photos of people’s babies and shit. I needed to reorient my life and focus on the things—and more importantly, the people—who matter to me most when I’m drunk and horny at 4 a.m. I just purged my friend list and if you’re one of the lucky people reading this status, congrats! I want to bang you and you can know this with 100% certainty. I’ve cut out everybody I wouldn’t at least touch butts with. It’s just us now.

Update: After posting that last status, everyone unfriended me so now my only friends are the sex cam bots. Turns out this is exactly what I wanted. Thanks Mr. Zuckerberg!

Quarantined Couple That Broke Up, Got Back Together, and Broke Up Again Has Some Great News

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

DULUTH, Minn. — Local couple Alice Parker and Shaun McCoy announced the reunification of their relationship today, after having already broken up and reconciled twice over the course of two weeks, annoyed sources close to the couple report.

“Guess what, everyone!?” Parker said during an Instagram live feed. “Shaun and I ate some lunch, and realized we really do love one another and want to make this work. We aren’t the same people we were this morning — Shaun has really matured, and once we’re able to leave the house, I think he’s going to go ring shopping. This has been a real rollercoaster ride for everyone, but we’ve been through it all and we’re ready to take on the world.”

Few felt the couple’s constant relationship changes needed to be broadcast.

“Shaun shared a ‘heartbreak’ Spotify playlist, and then literally two hours later, he posted a new playlist of love songs called ‘Alice In Wonderland,’” said Nichole Ballard, a mutual friend of the couple. “That all happened in-between Alice FaceTiming me from the bathroom, crying and talking about how she’s going to go live with her parents. I know quarantine is hard on everyone and we all need to be doing our best to be there for each other right now, but I’m one more ‘I hope Shaun gets the virus and dies’ text away from blocking her.”

Experts noted there are many struggling relationships during this time.

“Many of these relationships should have ended months ago, but since couples can’t go their separate ways, they get back together — mostly out of boredom,” said relationship counselor Dr. Genevieve Beck. “We are calling these ‘Boomerang Relationships.’ Most likely, once the quarantine is lifted, the relationship will die a necessary death… unless the couple gets pregnant, which frankly, is pretty likely. I feel bad for all the children born around Christmas this year.”

As of press time, Parker and McCoy have broken up again and are negotiating a bathroom and kitchen schedule to avoid being in the same room with one another.

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Watch Dogs, and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

If you were horrified by the prisoner abuse at Abu Gharib in 2003, guess what? You might not be too different from the military personnel who carried out those deplorable acts. That’s because video games often normalize a whole slew of war crimes, and even incentivize us to break those laws. So here’s a weekly rundown of which games allow you to violate the Geneva Conventions and their additional protocols.

The Animal Crossing series may seem like an idyllic utopia where nothing can go wrong, but unfortunately that’s not always the case. There’s no shortage of heinous crimes you can commit in New Horizons. For example, article 21 of the 3rd Geneva Convention states, “Prisoners of war may not be held in close confinement except where necessary to safeguard their health.” Thanks to fences, you are able to create such illegal cages, making you no better than the current United States government.

Once someone has died in war, you need to pay your respects. It’s not just a meme; it’s a law: “The gravesites of all such persons shall be respected,” declares article 34 of Additional Protocol 1. The creators of Watch Dogs take glee in breaking that rule by allowing players to vault over gravesites. It’s the kind of despicable act that’s unbecoming of a French studio like Ubisoft.

 

Sonic Adventure 2 features the classic chao garden, which lets you raise adorable little creatures. Or, you can choose to abuse them, so they grow up to be dark chao. But if you do that, you’re breaking article 50 of the 4th Geneva Convention, which mandates that you maintain “the care and education of children.” In the above example, Tails can be safely classified as a criminal.

High level Fortnite players may be proud of their “sick skills” when it comes to sniping down unsuspecting gliders. But a “200 IQ play” isn’t remotely smart in the context of war. Article 42 of Additional Protocol I is very clear about this: “No person parachuting from an aircraft in distress shall be made the object of attack during his descent.” Epic fail, bro.

If you need us to explain what the problem is here, you are beyond help.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Voltron Team Members Have Zoom Meeting

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

PLANET ARUS — The five members of Voltron Force, the team that pilots the super robot known as Voltron, assembled remotely from their homes for the first time via Zoom conference today, sources familiar with the situation confirmed.

“Ready to form Voltron from home! Activate inter-locks! Dyna-therms connected! Webcam and microphone turned on!” exclaimed Black Lion pilot Keith, making various final adjustments to his workstation such as the angle of his external monitor and the positioning of his computer chair. “Infra-cells up! Mega-thrusters are go! Oh, hey Lance! I guess we’re just waiting on the others still, I’ll give them a few minutes.”

The unprecedented long-distance Voltron assembly reportedly continued for several minutes as the other pilots joined one by one. Sources say that Keith continued shouting the steps of the start-up sequence until he was interrupted by an uproar caused by the Green Lion pilot, Pidge, setting up an ironic Zoom background that made it appear as though he was actually floating through space like a typical mission instead of doing a video call in his home office.

“Go, Voltron Force! Form feet and legs! Form arms and body! And I’ll form the head! Oh, if you guys could just mute yourselves, that would be great. I’m getting some feedback, not sure from who. Also, I don’t think I have a premium account for Zoom, so we might get kicked out after 40 minutes. Just a heads up in case that happens.”

At press time, sources say that the Voltron Force spent the last ten minutes of their meeting bringing their robot lions on camera to say hello to one another.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

NBA Commissioner Using Time During Suspension to Finally Add “No Dogs” to Rulebook

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

NEW YORK — NBA commissioner Adam Silver is using the league’s ongoing suspension due to COVID-19 to finally add “no dogs” to the official rulebook, following years of feel-good stories involving ragtag teams and adorable puppers.

“The tyranny of dogs as last-minute substitutions to help a team pull off improbable victories using trick plays is over. We can finally rid ourselves of this loophole,” said Silver. “I know there are many young pups out there shooting free throws with their noses that will be disappointed to learn they are no longer draft eligible, but we must protect the integrity of the game.”

NBA official Kyle Herring applauded the league’s hardline stance against canine athletes.

“It’s a now-familiar scene to even casual NBA fans: a struggling team is down by 30 at the half. Suddenly, they emerge from the locker room with a border collie or golden retriever or some other mutt sporting a team jersey and goggles. Next thing you know, the opposing team’s coach — who always has slicked back black hair — is fuming and begging the ref to check the rulebook,” said Herring. “I can’t even count how many times I’ve had to tell irate coaches and players that there’s no rule that says dogs can’t play professional basketball… not to mention all the Twitter death threats I’ve gotten from fans. I speak for all my colleagues by saying we’re overjoyed by Mr. Silver’s decision.”

Philadelphia 76ers center Al Horford admitted that he was torn by the rule, but ultimately agreed with the league.

“Don’t get me wrong: I love dogs, and it’s pretty cool to see a pooch knock in a three-pointer from the half-point line using his nose, or climbing up an opposing player’s back for an alley oop. But the risk just isn’t worth the reward,” Horford stated. “I still remember all too well that brutal fight between Gordon Hayward and New Orleans Pelicans forward, Mr. Ruffles. There were no winners in that game.”

While some canine former NBA players will be playing professionally in Europe next season, other leagues have taken the NBA’s lead — both the MLB and NHL have recently banned chimpanzee athletes, and the NFL is no longer allowing mule placekickers.

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