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Opinion: I Just Did a Massive Friend Purge and If You’re Reading This, Congrats, I Desperately Want to Have Sex With You

Somewhere along the way, my Facebook newsfeed changed from being a fun place to ogle bikini pics from girls I knew in high school, to a never-ending stream of fully clothed, only mildly attractive dudes just doing normal life things. So what happened?

I wasn’t careful and I wasn’t selective. When I was younger I made sure to at least scroll through a potential friend’s profile pictures to ensure they weren’t afraid to show at least some sloppy cleavage now and again. But as I got older I felt a strange obligation to accept requests from close friends or work acquaintances I got along really well with. Tragically, I just stopped caring. Is this what depression is? I’m inclined to say emphatically yes.

Well, it’s time to break out of this funk. Enough with these toxic photos of people’s babies and shit. I needed to reorient my life and focus on the things—and more importantly, the people—who matter to me most when I’m drunk and horny at 4 a.m. I just purged my friend list and if you’re one of the lucky people reading this status, congrats! I want to bang you and you can know this with 100% certainty. I’ve cut out everybody I wouldn’t at least touch butts with. It’s just us now.

Update: After posting that last status, everyone unfriended me so now my only friends are the sex cam bots. Turns out this is exactly what I wanted. Thanks Mr. Zuckerberg!

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