KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Margery Watson’s annual Mother’s Day breakfast-in-bed was obstructed by her unsightly ventilator due to complications from an advanced case of COVID-19, depressed and annoyed sources report.
“We’re all trying to act like things are normal, and this dumb thing keeps getting in the way and spilling orange juice all over her,” said her husband Jack. “It was hard enough forcing our way past a bunch of annoying nurses to see her — now we have to cram in next to this thing?”
“And that sound it makes!” he added. “It’s like if Darth Vader smoked cigarillos. Honestly, we’re thinking about unplugging and moving it, just for a moment, while we get a shot of her with her eggs Florentine. I might eat them after — she doesn’t seem too hungry.”
Health and safety experts urge forgoing traditional Mother’s Day gatherings to minimize contact with any sick family members.
“I think I’ve lost faith in humanity… or at least, families,” confided Dr. Louise Titre. “The fact that you would risk someone’s safety just to give them a fucking greeting card and mylar balloon is beyond comprehension. Look at this dumb card: it’s got a pigsty on it that reads, ‘We’re hog-wild for our mom.’ Is this what’s important to people? Keep fucking with our equipment, and she won’t be around this time next year. I mean, I get it — I’m a mom, and I’m not happy my kids are treating me like a goddamn leper. The least they could do is make me breakfast-on-the-couch-in-the-garage-cuz-mommy-might-have-been-exposed-to-a-deadly-virus.”
Moms worldwide are struggling with losing the “one fucking day of the year where they get to relax.”
“This is a case where the cure may actually be worse than the virus,” explained Lorraine Quinzel, a professor of women’s studies at Cornell University. “Quarantine places an extraordinary psychological strain on the nation’s moms, mamas, and mem-mems. Without Mother’s Day, I foresee a national mental breakdown. And I’m not just saying that because my own daughter only sent me a text with seven spelling errors, including my own name. Oh, and a gift card to Fuddruckers. Great, can’t wait to go there next year, or whenever this bullshit ends. There’s no point in being a mom if you don’t get your own holiday.”
The Watson family is currently planning a family reunion to celebrate their Great-Grandma Edith’s 100th and final birthday.