Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Study Confirms Timothée Chalamet Can’t Even Sweep Pick So, Like, Why Is My Girlfriend Obsessed With Him???

Posted on May 8, 2020 by John Danek

Sweep picking is the hardest, gnarliest, most impressive technique a man can do on a guitar. I can’t tell you how many hours I spent in my bedroom with my metronome at 54 bpm, patiently navigating my Ibanez Iceman’s fretboard, honing my skills. And according to all of my internet research, Timothée Chalamet barely knows more than cowboy chords so why in the FUCK is my girlfriend constantly watching TikTok videos of him in slow motion?

This anemic, pale little shit is hoarding all of her attention. It’s like she forgot that I have a Marshall half-stack in my bedroom.

What does he have that I don’t?! First of all, how pretentious of this punk-ass wiener to put an accented letter in his name. I have to look for the option key on my Mac every time I want to type his name into Twitter to find more insult fuel.

Sure, becoming “The Sweep Picking Sex-God” (your words, not mine) may have come at the expense of developing less useful skills like social graces, emotional intelligence, and financial security, but who is impressed by those? Not fans of Avenged Sevenfold, Yngwie Malmsteen, and Megadeth. Show me a sweep-picked lick from any of these titans and I’ll play it back as thousands of “meh”s reign down upon me from countless YouTube metal nerds, fore I am a king!

Yet to my girlfriend, this means nothing. I don’t get it. This scrawny kid fucks a peach and everyone trips over themselves calling it art, but when I do it my roommates yell “Close the door” and “I’m calling the cops!” What does he have that I don’t?

Since then I’ve played through John Petrucci’s Rock Discipline over four hundred times but nothing has changed. If anything she’s on her phone watching home more. Send help! And looper pedals!

New Bidet Owner Disappointed to Realize His Asshole Is Off-Center

Posted on May 8, 2020 by Zach Russell

NEW YORK — Local man David Treyborn realized today, while testing the flow of the new bidet attachment he purchased as a low-waste alternative to toilet paper, that his asshole is considerably off-center, sources squinting and cocking their heads confirmed.

“So Google tells me ‘all’ assholes are situated in between the cheek and not in the middle of one… which I guess clears up a lot of ass-related mishaps and mysteries from childhood,” Treyborn said. “Like once, in eighth grade, I farted onto a lit match my brother was holding right behind me, but the fiery jet that came barreling out of my ass burned my sister instead, who was standing way off to the left. My brother and I were like, ‘Woah, how even!?’ and my dad was like, ‘What have you done?! Your sister’s a monster now!’ You know, things like that.”

Hired to represent Treyborn in an anti-discrimination lawsuit against bidet vendor TUSHY, attorney Morgan Reed said she anticipated a decisive victory.

“As a prosecutor who’s represented clients with deformed and abnormal privates for nearly two decades, this one’s a slam dunk,” said Ms. Reed while admiring a photograph of her shaking hands with a two-dicked man she’d helped win millions. “All we have to do is prove TUSHY’s product team considered neither off-center assholes nor askew vaginas in designing their bidet. The emails we subpoenaed clearly demonstrate TUSHY execs knew of this accessibility gap, yet chose to move forward anyway because of market pressures. The ADA’s gonna eat this up.”

TUSHY’s Chief Product Officer Robert Venetti issued a press release clarifying the manufacturer’s position on inclusivity.

“Rinsing out assholes is our bread and butter. It’s our raison d’etre. It’s why we wake up, rain or shine, frost or snow. We’re the US Postal Service of sanitizing perineums, and we’re damn proud of it,” said Mr. Venetti. “We’ve explored adding side-to-side nozzle functionality before, but the market’s just not there because all the assholes I’ve ever seen are exactly where they should be. Not one I’ve encountered in the lab or the field is as far-flung as Mr. Treyborn’s. The kid’s a freak… but yeah, we’ll probably settle.”

At press time, Treyborn’s partner was somehow holding eye contact with Treyborn while eating his ass.

Record Player Can’t Get Through ‘Cuphead’ Soundtrack Without Dying

Posted on May 7, 2020 by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — An antique gramophone-style record player was unable to play through the entire vinyl release of the Cuphead original soundtrack without dying halfway through each song on the album, increasingly annoyed audiophile sources confirmed.

“Every time the record would get to a certain point on the third track, the needle would get hit by a tiny speck of dust that seemed to come out of nowhere and prematurely end the run,” said an irritated Edgar Linestown, owner of the antique record player. “I knew it wouldn’t be easy to finish a playthrough of this album, but I bought it out of love for old-school 1930’s ragtime music, and I’ve made it my mission to one day finish it. Until then, I guess I’ll continue to wonder whether I actually love or absolutely despise this damn soundtrack.”

Friends of Linestown shared in his total dissatisfaction with the playthrough of the vinyl.

“Even together we couldn’t get through any of these challenging songs,” said Jennier Dresenton, Linestown’s roommate and fellow big band aficionado. “I suggested we try playing it on a different RPM and that seemed to slow down the pace, but overall we didn’t get the same experience. Finally after many failed attempts on the regular RPM, we straight up started slapping the record player every time it died. That brought it back to life a few times, as long as we hit it just right.”

Soundtrack composer Kristofer Maddigan noted the hardships many listeners have when trying to complete his magnum opus.

“Honestly, most people have a difficult time even getting through the version even on Spotify,” Maddigan said. “These carefully assembled throwback compositions are a huge change of scenery compared to more modern synth-based gaming soundtracks. But trust me, it’s an incredibly satisfying feeling after you successfully make it through all four records of the anthology. All you have to do is spend hours upon hours racking your brain around it and just power through. The constant frustration and disappointment is all part of the magic of the Cuphead soundtrack.”

After several hundred more unsuccessful attempts, Linestown gave up and switched his record player to the Stardew Valley soundtrack to unwind.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Huge Film Buff Hasn’t Enjoyed One in Eight Years

Posted on May 7, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Sources have confirmed that Lance Pendleton, a film major who describes cinema as his singular passion, has not enjoyed a viewing of a movie in nearly a decade.

“It’s too bad 99.9 percent of the thing that brings me more joy in the world than anything else is such shit,” said Pendleton. “And the worst part is that this isn’t just some recent trend. No, I’m afraid that films, the thing I have devoted my heart and soul to, are just a bunch of crap with one or two good ones a decade, if we’re lucky.”

Pendleton revealed that no cinematic collaboration has been worthy of his viewing since 2012’s Armour, Michael Haneke’s Palme d’Or winning meditation on love, aging, and responsibility, and that even that had its flaws. Several film scholars have corroborated Pendelton’s assessment regarding the overall state of global cinema.

“It’s true, you can look it up,” said famed film historian Gates McGown. “There have been exactly 18 good movies produced since the invention of the medium. It is irrefutable. However, I must assert that if Mr. Pendleton includes Armour on that list of 18, well then he’s clearly a simpleton that needs to take his ass back to Blockbuster Video and rent Bad Boys 3. That is not one of the good ones.”

Despite receiving no apparent joy through the majority of his interactions with the format, Pendleton stated that he would continue devoting his time to researching and viewing films that were certain to elicit a negative reaction from him.

“I sure do miss going to The [New] Beverly [Cinema] every single night, just to see what kind of bullshit they’re screening,” he said, of the recent Covid-19 inspired stay at home orders. “It’ll be nice when we get back to normal and I can let my unhealthy fixation on a hobby that infuriates me form the toxic core of my personality.”

As of press time, Pendleton says he is going to start collecting stamps, which he “fucking hates.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Millions of Americans Struggle to Get Hand Washing Temperature “Just Right”

Posted on May 7, 2020 by Gregg Gethard

GLENSIDE, Penn. — A new report from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention states that a majority of American’s are still battling to find the exact right water temperature for washing their hands during the COVID-19 pandemic.

“Before the outbreak, a lot of citizens were just not used to washing their hands so much: they might handle some raw chicken, and then splash some cold water around for a second before drying off their hands on their pants,” said CDC spokesperson Angela Eng. “Now many of them are using soap and hot water for the first time ever. Finding just the right temperature is a delicate dance, but we have faith that the American people will persevere and find the ‘sweet spot.’ The amount of people who never washed their hands before this is alarming.”

“I have a dentist friend who privately admitted he hopes the next outbreak requires people to actually brush their teeth twice a day, instead of once every few days for like, 10 seconds,” Eng added.

Local actuary Daniel McMurray admitted his hands are in rough shape from the harsh changes.

“I’m trying to adhere to the guidelines issued by experts like Dr. Anthony Fauci and wash my hands for at least 20 seconds several times a day,” said the 39-year-old. “But I’ll turn on the water, and at first, it’s way too hot and my hands will feel like they’re soaking in battery acid. And then I’ll adjust the water temperature, and it becomes sub-arctic. All I know now is that my hands are so dry, my knuckles start bleeding any time I reach into my pocket.”

Despite the obvious health benefits of frequent handwashing, a group calling themselves Dirty Palm Patriots rallied against CDC hygiene recommendations.

“This is the textbook definition of tyranny. If the government can force you to wash the gunk off your hands and from under your fingernails, there is no limit to what they can force us to do,” said DPP leader Darrel Blunk. “I make sure that every time I leave my house, I touch as many surfaces as possible, just to show the government that the people are actually in charge. I won’t wash my hands again until they remove Obama from the list of presidents.”

The CDC is expected to offer more personal hygiene guidelines later this week, with many hoping they will clarify whether people can pee in the shower or not.

Parents Blame Poorly-Made Video Games For Son’s Annoying, Glitchy Outbursts

Posted on May 7, 2020 by Grant Mulitz

TRENTON, N.J. — Claiming their child hasn’t been the same since he started gaming, concerned parents Mark and Liza Kristensen are blaming poorly-made, badly-reviewed video games for their son Lucas’ boring, glitch-ridden behavioral issues.

“Before he started playing those horrible games, he loved going outside, playing with his dog, reading books, stuff you love to see as a parent” said Liza. “But after we got him a PS4 and Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 5 for his birthday, he’s been different. Now he just jitters rapidly and falls straight through the floor most days, unable to escape the endless skybox beneath our house.”

Lucas’ problems don’t stop at clipping through the ground. His parents also noticed their son’s frame rate has dropped significantly since he started playing more laggy video games, at some points freezing him entirely and corrupting his saved memory.

“We need to reset our son at least once a week now,” his father added. “We’re thinking of taking him to this specialist that swears he can patch him, but I don’t know, it just sounds so dangerous.”

According to studies conducted by the American Psychological Association, hastily-developed video games have been scientifically linked to glitchy behavior in adolescents.

“Children that play these kinds of broken, hacked-together games are more susceptible to rendering malfunctions, faulty collision detection, and are overall less likely to adhere to realistic laws of physics“ said Christine LeGuille, a sociology professor at the University of Maryland. “However, some studies may fail to take into account whether the children were predisposed to defective gaming mechanics in the first place.”

While Lucas’ parents are still trying to calm their son’s more aggressive technical defects, they are thankful that at least he isn’t playing enjoyable, well-made games that have guns in them.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: Maybe It’s Simpler to Have a Term for When We Aren’t in a Recession

Posted on May 7, 2020 by Jordan Breeding

Given that we’ve been in some sort of recession or another ever since I’ve been old enough to know the word “republican,” it’s time we stop talking about recessions as some sort of novel event. It’s goofy to keep saying things like, “Oh, okay yeah now we are in a recession. What we were in before was, like, a baby societal collapse, but this is the real thing.” At this point, it’s simply easier to assume that recession is the default and come up with terminology to describe the incredibly rare times where America’s balls are not feeling the vice grip of economic turmoil.

Instead of constantly telling us we’re in a recession, we should instead mention what day of the week it is. If you tell me, “Today is Tuesday,” I can read between the lines and understand what you’re really saying is, “Today is Tuesday and we’re inching ever closer to global implosion and the deaths of millions of innocents.” That’s a given.

What we need is a term for when we aren’t in a recession. Say, if whenever we find a day or two where the world isn’t actively on fire, news outlets could run a headline with like, “World Experiencing A ‘Not Recession.'” Obviously, the headline would be better than that but you get the picture. Let the eggheads at CNN handle it.

I’m sure back in the twentieth century when we could boost the economy real quick by instigating a world war, it was much safer to assume things were good and recessions were rare. Unfortunately, things have changed. Now we fight wars against drugs and terror but apparently locking up a bunch of brown people doesn’t inspire the same level of economic growth.

Let’s all commit right now to stop acting like it’s some magical, mysterious thing whenever we enter into a recession, and instead commit to coming up with a term for when things are even marginally good. Like maybe we call it a… Baby Boom? Definitely not. Nothing good has ever come from one of those.

Quarantined Bully Forced to Give Self Swirlies

Posted on May 7, 2020 by Doug Francisco

NEW YORK — Quarantined high school bully Evan Maddox, under stay-at-home orders for the past three weeks, gave himself swirlies yesterday out of desperation, amused sources report.

“Sure, it’s weird,” said Maddox, drying off his head and hiding from himself inside a kitchen cupboard. “But keeping up some semblance of a normal routine is important. I’m still getting up early every morning, showering, and brushing my teeth… and then I dunk my head in the toilet and pull the lever as many times as I feel like. Typically, I’ll look at myself in the mirror after and yell, ‘Are you gonna cry, crybaby? Do you want your momma?’ And that helps take the edge off.”

For his part, Maddox’s father Jeff appreciates the diligence with which his son is pursuing his school work.

“You worry that after all this time off, they’re going to get behind when they go back to school,” the 39-year-old said. “But our daughter Sarah is keeping up with her math, and Evan is ritualistically humiliating himself two or three times a day. It’s great to see how seriously they take their schooling. Earlier I saw Evan pants himself in the kitchen and then laugh at his own penis before running off. He’s very well adjusted. I’d like to think I had some part in that because of my constant absence and alcohol dependency — seems like it’s made my kids pretty self sufficient.”

Freshman chess club captain Paul Franklin, Maddox’s most frequent victim, claimed that missing his daily swirly is “bittersweet.”

“What I miss most is the routine. Although I don’t love having my head dipped in a toilet — and I especially didn’t appreciate the rare ‘chocolate’ swirly — I did like the human contact between Evan and myself,” said Franklin via phone. “A lot of people feel invisible in high school. I’ve never had that problem, thanks to Evan and his buddies. Lately we’ve been trying to coordinate Zoom meetings so they can call me ‘retard’ or ‘gay’ or whatever. It’ll be nice to see everyone again, even if it does make me cry.”

At press time, Maddox was carefully insulting every article of clothing he wore as “poor people shit I wouldn’t let my dog chew on.”

Facebook Game Ad Actually Government Recruiting Device to Contract Earth’s Most Skilled Military Tacticians

Posted on May 7, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Top government sources have revealed that the Facebook advertisement for a game called Douse The Goblin! is actually a military recruiting device to find Earth’s most skilled tacticians for a secret mission to defeat the space goblins who threaten our way of living.

“Considering the stakes at hand, it’s certainly a bummer that so few people have clicked the ad,” said United States Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “We’re basically searching through a pool of about twenty people to figure out who the Earth’s most skilled tacticians are. This one guy on our team kept insisting we use Fortnite as our tool, but I don’t know, there’s no goblins in that. It just seemed like not a perfect one-to-one. I think I definitely learned my lesson there.”

According to the few who have played the game, it was pretty evident early on what was going on with the recruiting tactic.

“Yeah I doused the goblin in Douse The Goblin! for like three levels and then I got a call from some top secret government fella,” said Facebook user Martin Stowe, 63. “I guess they didn’t have many options because I don’t think I even beat the game. Next thing I knew I was in a spaceship flying up to Mission Control to command a series of space buckets that doused real life space goblins. It was just like the game, except it was real.”

As of press time, not enough goblins were doused and the goblins took over the Earth, enslaving all of humanity and setting forth the beginning of our planet’s dark ages.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Gamers Donate Hundreds of Unused Healing Items to Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Posted on May 6, 2020 by CJ Hernandez

WASHINGTON — Gamers across America came together this week to donate hundreds of saved healing items to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who was recently hospitalized.

“Phoenix Downs, Full Restores… I’ve got tons of these things just sitting around in my closet,” said Florida gamer Jordan Brier, who organized the donation effort on Twitter. “I just figured I should save them in case there was a more important fight later on, you know? And now I’m really glad I did, this is it, this is what we were saving them for.”

Justice Ginsberg’s office has been flooded with donations of medkits, potions, and fully cooked rotisserie chickens. One anonymous donation included 48 wheels of cheese and a copy of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim for the Nintendo Switch.

“We are so grateful for the outpouring of support from America’s gamer community,” said one member of Justice Ginsburg’s staff. “We are hopeful that Justice Ginsburg will have fully restored her hit points after a long rest. Any extra healing items will be donated to help those affected by the COVID-19 pandemic.”

Though some are concerned that there could be another more pressing need for these items in the next four years, Brier seems confident that these consumables should be used now.

“We can always farm more items later if we need them,” Brier explained. “For now, I can think of no better use for these items than saving the only legitimate reason to vote for Joe Biden in November.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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