Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Mortal Kombat 11 DLC Pack to Include Sheeva, RoboCop, and Dewey From Malcolm in the Middle

Posted on May 6, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

CHICAGO — NetherRealm Studios announced the next set of fighters coming to Mortal Kombat 11 today, a collection that will see the series continue to embrace and welcome characters from other pop culture worlds with the addition of Robocop, the titular vigilante cop from the 1987 cult classic, and Dewey, the youngest sibling in Fox’s 2000-20005 sitcom Malcolm in the Middle.

“Really excited about these new fighters,” said Ed Boon in a Facebook live chat today, following the reveal of the DLC addition to MK11. “We’re really happy to get Sheeva back in there, as a nod to fans that have been with us for decades. RoboCop is a no brainer, with this penchant for justice and violence. And Dewey, well, I know it seems strange, but wait until you get a load of what this kid can do.”

Dewey Wilkerson, played by Erik Per Sullivan for seven seasons, was the youngest member of the family (up until season’s four introduction of the Jamie character), and as such was subjected to a lifetime of neglect from his parents and torment by his older brothers. These emotions, coupled with a series of foreign objects hidden in his ears, will see Dewey able to contend with anyone in the tournament.

“Sure was tough to keep a lid on this,” said Sullivan, of his return to the role he is best known for. “We did mostly punches and kicks and stuff, not a lot of dialogue, but it was still a real thrill to step back into the part that made my career. Can’t wait for fans to see Dewey Wilkerson on that character select screen next to Lui Kang, Shang Tsung, and The Terminator!”

The trailer concluded with a sneak peak at several of Dewey’s fatalities, with one featuring him trying to set up an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine before it ultimately topples over and crushes the opponent.

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Opinion: I Hope We Can Still Be Friends Because I May Need to Borrow Money or Your Car at Some Point

Posted on May 6, 2020 by James Knapp

Listen, this isn’t working out. Sorry. I’m sure this must come as a shock to you especially since I overdrew our joint bank account last week to buy a waterbed. But don’t worry! I’m sure that someday you’ll meet someone very special; someone who makes you feel the same way you already feel about me. And even though we aren’t together anymore, and I’m moving in with that twenty-one-year-old I met at Emo Night Boise, I hope we can still be friends.

Which reminds me, what are you doing tomorrow at 3 a.m.? I need a ride to the airport. If you’re busy I totally understand. I’ll just use the spare key to borrow your car. I know you don’t mind biking to work.

The most important thing right now is that we be honest with each other. How are you feeling? Is there anything you want to say to me? What’s your pin number? This is all part of your grieving process.

Remember that time we took a vacation to Miami instead of going to your grandmother’s funeral? You didn’t want to go but I insisted and it turned out to be one of our best trips ever! Try to look at this the same way. It may be sad now but before you know it I’ll be fifteen daiquiris deep desperately trying to talk you into a threesome.

I hope we stay close after this. If you need some time to process everything that’s okay but I need you out by five. Since we’re already three days into the month you can leave your half of the rent with your keys on the table.

Well, I’d better head out. I got my new girl tickets to Third Eye Blind and I wanna get there early to explain the band’s cultural significance to her over Whip-Its in the parking lot.

Thanks for cooking dinner. Don’t worry about doing the dishes though, I’ll get Pandora to do them when we get home. You deserve a break. Shit, I’m strapped for cash right now. could you spot me like $20 for a shirt tonight? Thanks, babe.

Georgia Announces Plan to Close Hospitals, Re-Open Bars and Just Kind of See What Happens

Posted on May 6, 2020 by Ted Pillow

ATLANTA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp announced that the state will close hospitals, re-open bars, and “just let God do his thing or whatever he’s got planned” for the foreseeable future, according to terrified sources fleeing the state.

“It actually makes a lot of sense,” Gov. Kemp explained at a press conference. “You’ve got a lot of other states that, for the most part, are keeping non-essential businesses closed and telling people to continue social distancing. Shouldn’t at least one state do the exact opposite and see if that works? It’s called ‘thinking outside the box.’ That’s why I’m encouraging all Georgians to hit the bars, get hammered drunk, and get some ass. I mean, just go all out on this one.”

Many Georgia residents expressed concern, fear, and anger over their governor’s controversial plan.

“It’s bad enough that we’re opening against the warnings of all the experts,” noted 37-year-old Atlanta resident Debra Morgan. “But some of these new policies Gov. Kemp is suggesting are completely insane. He’s going to get people killed because he only cares about the economy — yesterday, I got a court summons in the mail requiring me to go to the mall this weekend. It came with a ‘Coronavirus Protection Kit’ that just had some garlic, a crucifix, and a few silver bullets in it.”

Kemp’s decision to relax restrictions has been heavily criticized. White House health advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci expressed serious concern over some of the state’s plans.

“I think this is really dangerous,” Dr. Fauci said. “Most of Kemp’s state-wide health policies are highly unorthodox, unhelpful, and probably impossible to enforce. For example, despite what he said at his press conference, I don’t think it’s constitutional to ‘make sneezing illegal.’ And I’m very worried about Georgia’s new health campaign, ‘Let’s High-Five the Coronavirus Away!’”

At press time, Kemp was seen walking around the food court at the mall and asking strangers, “You gonna finish that?”

This Quarantined Couple Made a Sock Puppet Version of Jaws Instead of Acknowledging Issues With Their Relationship

Posted on May 6, 2020 by Dan Rice

Quarantine is hard on relationships. Long term confinement, boredom, and lack of privacy have become major concerns for couples. Resentment can rise high in these conditions and countries that have begun lifting quarantine are already seeing an increased divorce rate. But one internet couple is having a ton of fun avoiding the inevitable.

Tom and Sue McHenry have started making a shot for shot recreation of the film Jaws using sock puppets instead of admitting to themselves “It’s over.”

We reached out to the McHenry’s about the film they have been releasing in 10-minute chunks on youtube twice a week instead of communicating in any meaningful way. Tom walked us through the show’s origins.

“We were sitting there on the couch not acknowledging the fact that we hadn’t made love in 2 months and I guess in an attempt to say something, anything to break that silence, my brain made my mouth say ‘sock puppet Jaws.’ And she said ‘OK.’ I was so excited to have a project to focus on and, honestly, it was nice to hear her voice again.”

In addition to giving the McHenrys something to focus on other than wondering “Where the hell did we go so wrong?” Sue explained how the production has made them both more creative and resourceful.

“I’ll see a wrapper he left on the counter when he easily could have just thrown it away and my first thought is ‘I could kill him. He doesn’t care about anything. I could actually kill him.’ But now my next thought is “Hey, I could make Hooper’s hat out of that wrapper!”

Tom has become quite the props master himself.

“It’s crazy how fast your mind starts repurposing everything. Like this novelty stuffed donut I won for her in a claw machine on our first date. It used to be a sentimental keepsake, but now it’s the Kipner boy’s floaty tube!”

Sue went on to explain how grateful they are for the project’s viral success.

“I couldn’t be happier with the response to the show. All of the comments have been really supportive and questions like ‘Can we ever really make each other happy again?’ have been pushed deep down into my subconscious. I’m talkin’ in the basement.”

Though the McHenry’s wouldn’t comment on plans for any future sock puppet movies, Tom did offer up what could be a teaser for things to come:

“You ever looked into the eyes of someone who’s mad at you for masturbating? They’re black. Like a doll’s eyes.”

Punk Uses Stock Photo of Dirty Apartment as Zoom Background to Hide Parents’ Mansion

Posted on May 6, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

SAVANNAH, Ga. — Local punk Jake Stanton used a photo of a trashy apartment as his Zoom background yesterday to hide the true nature of his living arrangements at his rich parents’ house.

“I’m a punk. It just also happens my dad runs a hedge fund, and my mom is a corporate attorney,” Stanton said while moving his MacBook Pro so the live-in cleaning service could straighten up. “And I need to make sure it’s clear that I’m a punk during my online class, so rather than have my parents’ palatial, beachside manor behind me, I used a custom background of a rotten squat with a tower of empty PBR’s and pizza boxes, and a random stray cat.”

Classmates were surprised Stanton bothered with the misleading background, as they already know of his financial situation.

“It’s not like we forgot pre-quarantine life or something. We go to private school,” fellow student Claire Dunn stated, showing a selfie the two took by Stanton’s indoor pool. “He’s always so loud about being ‘punk.’ Good thing he can’t set a custom smell via Zoom.”

Stanton’s father Arthur, a senior partner at Blackstone, was disappointed by the low-quality fake background.

“I offered to make our backup, backup-backup apartment look like a trashy punk house. I even bought him an apartment next to one of the dangerous parts of New York so he could be more immersed,” Mr. Stanton said while placing a single stock trade that made more money than most people will see in an entire lifetime and transferring the subsequent net gains directly into Jake’s allowance fund. “I can’t figure that boy out, but I try to be supportive… though he always complains about that, too, so I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Despite Stanton’s extensive effort to appear punk, his plan backfired when the Blink-182 poster in his artificial background featured Matt Skiba instead of Tom DeLonge, outing him as a poser anyway.

Quarantined Gamer Dangerously Close to Finishing Game

Posted on May 5, 2020 by John Dixon

RESTON, Va. — With America approaching a third month of quarantine due to COVID-19, gamer James Batson is reportedly battling a rare challenge: he is close to completing a game.

“I haven’t actually finished a game since I was like nine years old,” Batson said from his home, where he was hoping to ride out the worst of the situation. “Usually I just kind of start playing something else and forget I was even playing the other game in the first place, but with all this extra time, I’m actually about to have to, well… to cross something off my list.”

Batson expressed fear that by completing a game, and subsequently moving to the next game with a sense of accomplishment, he may threaten his very life as a gamer.

“This whole thing really has me questioning if I’m even a gamer anymore,” he said. “What kind of gamer actually starts to clear out his backlog?”

Batson’s friend Ellen Jeffers has been tracking his progress through Twitch streams, and she expressed concern and disbelief at what was taking place.

“I saw he had put in about 76 hours, and I started to worry because that’s pretty deep for a single player game,” Jeffers said. “So I checked out his stream, and he’s ignoring all these obvious signs that the game is close to ending: tearful goodbyes, godlike enemies, literal text boxes saying the end is nigh, but he just kept going. He really should have spent some more time dicking around or doing side missions to stretch things out and keep this from happening.”

Experts see these occurrences as a grim portent of things to come. Games researcher and journalist B.B. Bray believes Batson may be on the vanguard of a rash of game completions.

“Right now it’s just one guy completing one game, but soon there’ll be another and another after that,” Bray said. “And none of those are going to just stop at one game, meaning this will spread exponentially and soon, with production and the supply chain hampered as it is, we will quite simply run short of new games to play. And where will that leave us?”

At press time, Batson was attempting to pad out the remainder of the game by refusing to move faster than a leisurely stroll so he could “enjoy the atmosphere.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Todd Howard Delays Elder Scrolls VI Due to ‘Corona-18 or Whatever’

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

ROCKVILLE, Md. — At a press conference held earlier today, Bethesda director Todd Howard was relieved to announce that the highly anticipated Elder Scrolls VI would be delayed due to “Corona-18 or whatever.”

“We’ve decided to put the game on indefinite hiatus because of the covid thing that’s going on,” Howard said, trying not to sound elated. “We cannot in good conscience continue developing the game while this, what was it again, virus continues to affect our country.”

According to Bethesda concept artist Rebecca Nadir, Howard’s decision came suddenly one day while the Elder Scrolls team was holding a Zoom meeting.

“Todd actually joined the call during our daily brainstorming session, where we were trying to figure out an actual title [for Elder Scrolls VI],” Nadir recalled. “I don’t even think he was aware that we’d be doing these calls for weeks, but he came in all like, ‘Guys, this beer virus sounds like bad news. We should consider postponing the game for a few years or something.’”

During the press conference, Todd continued trying to sound upset while clearly fighting back laughter as he discussed the nature of the delay.

“It is very unfortunate that this incident has begun to occur as we were knee-deep in development, just really working hard trying to get the game to you as quickly as we possibly can,” Howard said, struggling to maintain a straight face. “But we will keep our loyal fans posted and resume development as soon as every roll of toilet paper is disinfected or something.”

At press time, several sources claimed to have seen Howard pumping his fist as he returned home. He was later reportedly seen writing “Skyrim DS???” in a pocket notebook.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Lockdown Really Fucking up Dad’s Plan to Abandon Family

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Sari Beliak

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local dad Craig Harper admitted today that the lockdown set in place to stop the spread of COVID-19 was really fucking up his plans to walk out on his wife and kids and never look back.

“My wife is on my case about every little thing… like how I sleep all day, don’t help the kids with their schoolwork, and how I’m ‘dependent’ on alcohol. Whatever the fuck that means,” said Harper. “I know this pandemic is hard on everyone, but it’s particularly hard on men like me who wish they could build a time machine, go back to when they were 24 and tell their younger selves to keep pursuing a jet ski career. I can’t wait for things to get back to normal so I can just get in my truck and drive away from all this.”

The temporary shelter-in-place lockdown has left some 40 million Californians under strict orders to practice social distancing and quarantine themselves at home, making it increasingly difficult for Harper to pack up a few things and never come back.

“I had it all planned out: I’d been selling some things and was gonna throw some stuff in a bag and just split. Maybe give ‘em one of those ‘heading to the store’ lines and hit the road, like my old man did,” said the father of three and husband of 17 years. “Shit, I can’t even lie and say I got called into cover for someone at the warehouse anymore because we’re closed down. I wish I’d left when I had the chance.”

Experts indicate the quarantine is expected to last for several more months, forcing negligent fathers to become more creative in their attempts to start over.

“Just ‘stepping out for a pack of smokes’ won’t cut it anymore. At the very minimum, these men will have to pretend to show symptoms of the virus, drive to the hospital, and fake their own death,” said Family and Behavioral Health counselor Katie Willis. “And we’re seeing this phenomenon across the board — everything from your run-of-the-mill deadbeat dads and absent fathers, to loving fathers who just want some peace and quiet for a little bit until this whole thing blows over. At this point, the way things are looking now, you may be lucky to leave your wife and kids in time to ruin Christmas.”

At press time, Harper’s wife admitted the quarantine has already delayed her plans to file for divorce, while their teenage son reports he has to postpone running away because of the lockdown.

Dude Down to Protest Anything as Long as He Can Wear Cool Guy Fawkes Mask

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

LANSING, Mich. — A protester at a recent demonstration against the state’s pandemic response has revealed that he’ll show up at more or less any public protest so long as his Guy Fawkes mask and costume, made contemporarily famous by the graphic novel and film V For Vendetta, is acceptable attire.

“It’s 2020 and the world needs to know how fucking cool I think this mask looks,” said Brendan Milchun, a self described “fiscal anarchist and social libarxist.” “It’s really important that we remember, uh, you know, everything that he stood for and November and all of that, too. If the government thinks that they can just do whatever they want without me larping as an activist, then they sure got a surprise coming. I look at things a little bit differently than everyone else, just so you know.”

This was just the latest in a series of public appearances for Milchun, who has donned the Fawkes garb at such recent events as a Bernie Sanders rally, a Pro Life protest held outside of Planned Parenthood, and a recent parade that he mistook for a mass protest of some kind.

“Yeah, that was weird,” said Glenn Flowerton, Grand Marshall of last year’s Blueberry Parade, the cornerstone of Montrose, Michigan’s annual Blueberry Festival. “I saw the guy dressed up in that opera suit, and I just figured it was one of those weirdos from M-57 Towing, ya know? But no, turns out he’s some kind of activist or something. No place for that in the Blueberry Festival, if you ask me.”

Despite a few inadvertent appearances at gatherings without political motivations, Milchun maintained that his continued mission had been successful thus far.

“When you look at things a little bit differently, like I do, it all makes sense,” he said. “It’s more important that I raise general awareness of, you know, looking like a badass, than it is to actually hope to enact any structural changes to a corrupt and rotten system. America is finished, but that’s no reason not to spend my stimulus check on trench coats and stupid little hats.”

As of press time, Milchun was seen sprinting around the capitol lawn trying to appear in the background of as many news crews’ footage as possible.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Cha-Ching! Now If I Can Only Find a Way to Get a Stimulus Check Every Two Weeks

Posted on May 5, 2020 by Eric Navarro

It’s nearly impossible to describe the feeling I got from depositing my long-awaited stimulus check. Not sure what word to call it but it definitely ends in “gasm.” I feel relieved most of all. For the first time in weeks I feel financially secure. I wish I could feel like this all the time. I know what I need to do. I must devise a plan to acquire a stimulus check every two weeks until I’ve saved enough money to go into what used to be called “retirement.” The word was recently changed to, “quarantine.”

Usually I’m full of get-rich-quick schemes but this is way more complicated than your typical scam. This will require constant time and effort. Almost daily. Maybe I’ll take two days off a week to keep myself refreshed. But during the days I’m avoiding work, let’s call them “shirk days,” it’s all business all the time.

The first step is finding hundreds of people who have yet to receive their stimulus checks. Fortunately, that won’t be hard since I’m currently doing my part to gentrify a rent-controlled building. Most people here live with extended family like grandparents, so they’re less likely to pick up their mail. Hello, personal information! Now we’re cooking.

All that’s left is the simple matter of reaching someone in the government right now to direct these stimulus checks my way. Based on conservative estimates, this process takes about two weeks, assuming you attempt to make contact approximately forty hours per week. I know that sounds like an absurd amount of time for anyone to do anything just to make some money. Sure, it’s an unprecedented notion, but these are unprecedented times and we all have to do what we need to do to get by.

It’s sad that it’s come to scamming vulnerable people but what else do you want me to do? Turns out my interpretive basket weaving degree didn’t make me as employable as my interpretive basket weaving professors made it seem. Oh and hey, did you get your stimulus check yet?

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