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Opinion: I Hope We Can Still Be Friends Because I May Need to Borrow Money or Your Car at Some Point

Listen, this isn’t working out. Sorry. I’m sure this must come as a shock to you especially since I overdrew our joint bank account last week to buy a waterbed. But don’t worry! I’m sure that someday you’ll meet someone very special; someone who makes you feel the same way you already feel about me. And even though we aren’t together anymore, and I’m moving in with that twenty-one-year-old I met at Emo Night Boise, I hope we can still be friends.

Which reminds me, what are you doing tomorrow at 3 a.m.? I need a ride to the airport. If you’re busy I totally understand. I’ll just use the spare key to borrow your car. I know you don’t mind biking to work.

The most important thing right now is that we be honest with each other. How are you feeling? Is there anything you want to say to me? What’s your pin number? This is all part of your grieving process.

Remember that time we took a vacation to Miami instead of going to your grandmother’s funeral? You didn’t want to go but I insisted and it turned out to be one of our best trips ever! Try to look at this the same way. It may be sad now but before you know it I’ll be fifteen daiquiris deep desperately trying to talk you into a threesome.

I hope we stay close after this. If you need some time to process everything that’s okay but I need you out by five. Since we’re already three days into the month you can leave your half of the rent with your keys on the table.

Well, I’d better head out. I got my new girl tickets to Third Eye Blind and I wanna get there early to explain the band’s cultural significance to her over Whip-Its in the parking lot.

Thanks for cooking dinner. Don’t worry about doing the dishes though, I’ll get Pandora to do them when we get home. You deserve a break. Shit, I’m strapped for cash right now. could you spot me like $20 for a shirt tonight? Thanks, babe.