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Millions of Americans Struggle to Get Hand Washing Temperature “Just Right”

GLENSIDE, Penn. — A new report from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention states that a majority of American’s are still battling to find the exact right water temperature for washing their hands during the COVID-19 pandemic.

“Before the outbreak, a lot of citizens were just not used to washing their hands so much: they might handle some raw chicken, and then splash some cold water around for a second before drying off their hands on their pants,” said CDC spokesperson Angela Eng. “Now many of them are using soap and hot water for the first time ever. Finding just the right temperature is a delicate dance, but we have faith that the American people will persevere and find the ‘sweet spot.’ The amount of people who never washed their hands before this is alarming.”

“I have a dentist friend who privately admitted he hopes the next outbreak requires people to actually brush their teeth twice a day, instead of once every few days for like, 10 seconds,” Eng added.

Local actuary Daniel McMurray admitted his hands are in rough shape from the harsh changes.

“I’m trying to adhere to the guidelines issued by experts like Dr. Anthony Fauci and wash my hands for at least 20 seconds several times a day,” said the 39-year-old. “But I’ll turn on the water, and at first, it’s way too hot and my hands will feel like they’re soaking in battery acid. And then I’ll adjust the water temperature, and it becomes sub-arctic. All I know now is that my hands are so dry, my knuckles start bleeding any time I reach into my pocket.”

Despite the obvious health benefits of frequent handwashing, a group calling themselves Dirty Palm Patriots rallied against CDC hygiene recommendations.

“This is the textbook definition of tyranny. If the government can force you to wash the gunk off your hands and from under your fingernails, there is no limit to what they can force us to do,” said DPP leader Darrel Blunk. “I make sure that every time I leave my house, I touch as many surfaces as possible, just to show the government that the people are actually in charge. I won’t wash my hands again until they remove Obama from the list of presidents.”

The CDC is expected to offer more personal hygiene guidelines later this week, with many hoping they will clarify whether people can pee in the shower or not.