NEW YORK — Local man David Treyborn realized today, while testing the flow of the new bidet attachment he purchased as a low-waste alternative to toilet paper, that his asshole is considerably off-center, sources squinting and cocking their heads confirmed.
“So Google tells me ‘all’ assholes are situated in between the cheek and not in the middle of one… which I guess clears up a lot of ass-related mishaps and mysteries from childhood,” Treyborn said. “Like once, in eighth grade, I farted onto a lit match my brother was holding right behind me, but the fiery jet that came barreling out of my ass burned my sister instead, who was standing way off to the left. My brother and I were like, ‘Woah, how even!?’ and my dad was like, ‘What have you done?! Your sister’s a monster now!’ You know, things like that.”
Hired to represent Treyborn in an anti-discrimination lawsuit against bidet vendor TUSHY, attorney Morgan Reed said she anticipated a decisive victory.
“As a prosecutor who’s represented clients with deformed and abnormal privates for nearly two decades, this one’s a slam dunk,” said Ms. Reed while admiring a photograph of her shaking hands with a two-dicked man she’d helped win millions. “All we have to do is prove TUSHY’s product team considered neither off-center assholes nor askew vaginas in designing their bidet. The emails we subpoenaed clearly demonstrate TUSHY execs knew of this accessibility gap, yet chose to move forward anyway because of market pressures. The ADA’s gonna eat this up.”
TUSHY’s Chief Product Officer Robert Venetti issued a press release clarifying the manufacturer’s position on inclusivity.
“Rinsing out assholes is our bread and butter. It’s our raison d’etre. It’s why we wake up, rain or shine, frost or snow. We’re the US Postal Service of sanitizing perineums, and we’re damn proud of it,” said Mr. Venetti. “We’ve explored adding side-to-side nozzle functionality before, but the market’s just not there because all the assholes I’ve ever seen are exactly where they should be. Not one I’ve encountered in the lab or the field is as far-flung as Mr. Treyborn’s. The kid’s a freak… but yeah, we’ll probably settle.”
At press time, Treyborn’s partner was somehow holding eye contact with Treyborn while eating his ass.