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14-Year-Old Cousin Wants You to Know He Smokes Weed Now

HOLLAND, Mich. — Your 14-year-old cousin Blake Liston admitted to you yesterday that, as of two weeks ago, he smokes pot and it is “totally cool.”

The bold statement came during a birthday celebration for Meredith Melamed, your aunt and Liston’s mother. Witnesses report Liston took you aside to confide his newfound outlaw status.

“Yeah, so, I smoke pot now. No big deal, really,” Liston allegedly told you in a low whisper. “If you want to get blazed, I have a couple hits of a roach left. It’s cool.”

Liston, a freshman at Holland High School, shared details of his first experience — but only after double-checking that his mom wasn’t close by.

“My buddy Alex and I got a gram of this sick new strain — it’s called Regs; I don’t know if you would’ve heard of it. It’s pretty high-end. We smoked it out of his chillum and tripped super hard and spent a good half hour talking about spider webs. It was really dope,” said Liston wistfully. “I don’t know. I guess it was like the first time I ever really felt alive.”

Your 11-year-old cousin Sarah Liston, Blake’s younger sister, claimed she knew her brother’s secret immediately. “He smells like a dead skunk a lot now and puts a lot more posters on his wall,” she said. “It’s stupid. This video in health class said anyone who smokes pot dies of laziness. I can see why.”

For what it’s worth, Blake confirmed his plans to smoke pot with you at every family event from now on.

“We can get blazed together whenever, man. Everyone in this house is so wrapped up in their own pathetic lives, they could probably use a little herbal relaxation, if you catch my drift,” he said. “Maybe next time you come, you can bring some girls with you and we can all hang out. That sounds cool to me if you’re down.”

The news of your cousin’s drug use is the latest in your family’s string of scandals, following revelations that your father has been having an affair and your parents are filing for divorce.