Press "Enter" to skip to content

Quarantined Bully Forced to Give Self Swirlies

NEW YORK — Quarantined high school bully Evan Maddox, under stay-at-home orders for the past three weeks, gave himself swirlies yesterday out of desperation, amused sources report.

“Sure, it’s weird,” said Maddox, drying off his head and hiding from himself inside a kitchen cupboard. “But keeping up some semblance of a normal routine is important. I’m still getting up early every morning, showering, and brushing my teeth… and then I dunk my head in the toilet and pull the lever as many times as I feel like. Typically, I’ll look at myself in the mirror after and yell, ‘Are you gonna cry, crybaby? Do you want your momma?’ And that helps take the edge off.”

For his part, Maddox’s father Jeff appreciates the diligence with which his son is pursuing his school work.

“You worry that after all this time off, they’re going to get behind when they go back to school,” the 39-year-old said. “But our daughter Sarah is keeping up with her math, and Evan is ritualistically humiliating himself two or three times a day. It’s great to see how seriously they take their schooling. Earlier I saw Evan pants himself in the kitchen and then laugh at his own penis before running off. He’s very well adjusted. I’d like to think I had some part in that because of my constant absence and alcohol dependency — seems like it’s made my kids pretty self sufficient.”

Freshman chess club captain Paul Franklin, Maddox’s most frequent victim, claimed that missing his daily swirly is “bittersweet.”

“What I miss most is the routine. Although I don’t love having my head dipped in a toilet — and I especially didn’t appreciate the rare ‘chocolate’ swirly — I did like the human contact between Evan and myself,” said Franklin via phone. “A lot of people feel invisible in high school. I’ve never had that problem, thanks to Evan and his buddies. Lately we’ve been trying to coordinate Zoom meetings so they can call me ‘retard’ or ‘gay’ or whatever. It’ll be nice to see everyone again, even if it does make me cry.”

At press time, Maddox was carefully insulting every article of clothing he wore as “poor people shit I wouldn’t let my dog chew on.”