NEW YORK — NBA commissioner Adam Silver is using the league’s ongoing suspension due to COVID-19 to finally add “no dogs” to the official rulebook, following years of feel-good stories involving ragtag teams and adorable puppers.
“The tyranny of dogs as last-minute substitutions to help a team pull off improbable victories using trick plays is over. We can finally rid ourselves of this loophole,” said Silver. “I know there are many young pups out there shooting free throws with their noses that will be disappointed to learn they are no longer draft eligible, but we must protect the integrity of the game.”
NBA official Kyle Herring applauded the league’s hardline stance against canine athletes.
“It’s a now-familiar scene to even casual NBA fans: a struggling team is down by 30 at the half. Suddenly, they emerge from the locker room with a border collie or golden retriever or some other mutt sporting a team jersey and goggles. Next thing you know, the opposing team’s coach — who always has slicked back black hair — is fuming and begging the ref to check the rulebook,” said Herring. “I can’t even count how many times I’ve had to tell irate coaches and players that there’s no rule that says dogs can’t play professional basketball… not to mention all the Twitter death threats I’ve gotten from fans. I speak for all my colleagues by saying we’re overjoyed by Mr. Silver’s decision.”
Philadelphia 76ers center Al Horford admitted that he was torn by the rule, but ultimately agreed with the league.
“Don’t get me wrong: I love dogs, and it’s pretty cool to see a pooch knock in a three-pointer from the half-point line using his nose, or climbing up an opposing player’s back for an alley oop. But the risk just isn’t worth the reward,” Horford stated. “I still remember all too well that brutal fight between Gordon Hayward and New Orleans Pelicans forward, Mr. Ruffles. There were no winners in that game.”
While some canine former NBA players will be playing professionally in Europe next season, other leagues have taken the NBA’s lead — both the MLB and NHL have recently banned chimpanzee athletes, and the NFL is no longer allowing mule placekickers.