Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Bluth Family Banana Stand Receives $1 Billion From Small Business Bailout

Posted on May 13, 2020 by Stephen Bell

NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. — A $1 billion small business loan was reportedly given to the famous Bluth Family Banana Stand as part of the recently passed small business bailout, or CARES act, according to employees in the Small Business Administration.

“I swear, when I filled out the loan forms I only requested $1,000, but when I checked the submitted forms I saw that someone added six zeros to our request,” said Michael Bluth, current CEO of the Bluth corporation. “When I asked my father George if he had something to do with this, he called me a ‘sissy’ and insisted this is just the government reimbursing us for the money it stole from us via taxes. When I pointed out that, due to creative accounting, we only pay $231 a year, he accused me of wearing a wire and told me to leave his jail cell.”

Meanwhile, other small business owners like restaurateur Bob Belcher have yet to receive their checks.

“This is just another example of welfare for the already rich and powerful, while the little guy like me gets screwed,” said the exasperated small business owner. “Without this loan, I can’t afford to buy any masks or gloves, so I’ve resorted to wearing my son’s beefsquatch head to protect me. And I’ve got hungry mouths to feed — I’m so desperate for cash, I had to open an OnlyFans account under the pseudonym ‘Bob’s Buns’ just to keep afloat. The system is fucked.”

SBA comptroller Paul Butler expressed the government’s concern, and strongly encouraged the Bluths to return the loan.

“The government is of course looking to protect this nation’s job creators, and George Bluth is a personal friend of my boss Donald Trump,” Butler stated. “I understand that they both sold weapons to Sadaam while he still controlled Iraq, but even this level of corruption might be too much for this administration to sweep under the rug. By the way, this interview is off the record, right?”

At press time, Gob Bluth was furiously stuffing cash into the walls of the banana stand before the government could repossess it.

We Discovered Ice-T’s Middle Name Is Lauren and Now Can’t Remember Why We Googled Him in the First Place

Posted on May 13, 2020 by Jon Wood

Real-life bank robber pimp. Gangsta rap and nu-metal pioneer. Star of reality and primetime television. These are just a few of the bonafides that make up Ice-T’s remarkable career, according to this Wikipedia page I have open for reasons that currently escape me.

But perhaps the most interesting fact I’ve discovered about this modern-day renaissance man is that he was born Tracy Lauren Marrow. You’re reading that right. Ice-T’s middle name is Lauren, and I find this so amusing that I seriously can’t remember why I googled him in the first place.

I remember precisely what I was doing when I first heard ‘Cop Killer’ on the radio. Oh man, that was back in 1992 — you’d think I’d remember my train of thought from ten minutes ago that turned me into some kind of Ice-T internet sleuth. Do you think his music would’ve been as controversial if he went by his middle name? Like, would Tipper Gore have launched a crusade to keep “Lauren the Original Gangster” from corrupting America’s youth? Why are we even talking about this?!

Ice-T apparently had a beef with LL Cool J early in his career. Speaking of LL Cool J, I loved that shark movie he was in, what was it called? See, that curiosity certainly explains why I now have a browser tab open to the ‘Deep Blue Sea’ IMDB page, but I still have no clue why the other twelve tabs are just random facts about Ice-T, what the hell?

My best friend growing up was a girl named Lauren who was kidnapped and locked in a basement for six months. You probably won’t believe this, but they actually based an episode of ‘Law & Order SVU’ on her case — which I promise is a total coincidence as it relates to my string of recent Google searches. Jesus Christ, why did I spend the last hour becoming the world’s authority on Ice-T, this is driving me crazy!

Ah-ha! Now I remember! Driving… CarShield, Ice-T is the new spokesman for CarShield! I just saw him on the commercial and it reminded me of a specific question I had about my policy. Thanks, Lauren!

Skype Therapy Offers Disappointing Look Into Therapist’s Home

Posted on May 13, 2020 by Courtney Baka

ST. Paul, Minn. — A Skype call between local patient Aito Jeffers and his long-time therapist Dr. Thomas Bernard offered a disappointing look into the lame surroundings and questionable taste of the medical professional’s home, sources report.

“I’ve been meeting with Dr. Bernard for about three years now, so I was interested to see what his house looks like,” Jeffers said. “At first he had himself muted and couldn’t figure out how to turn it on… which was weird, because he seems like a pretty savvy guy. After a couple minutes we finally got started, but I couldn’t stop staring at the stuff behind him — he had bookcases in the background, but they were like, shitty Ikea bookcases. I’m pretty sure they’re worse than mine.”

“Then I started looking through the books. There were some Garfield books, a couple books by Dr. Phil, and a giant copy of ‘Atlas Shrugged,’” he added. “I started to wonder if I should really be taking advice from this guy.”

17 minutes into the session Dr. Bernard’s pet joined the session, which was allegedly the most telling part of the entire 55-minute call for Jeffers.

“I was describing how I believe the quarantine has shifted my values and my sense of self, when suddenly his cat jumped up on his lap,” Jeffers recalled. “He put it down on the floor and said, ‘Not now, Mittens.’ How can I discuss my existential crisis with a man who can’t come up with a more creative cat name than ‘Mittens?’ Also, I can’t unsee my therapist kissing a morbidly obese cat on the lips ever again. This quarantine sucks.”

According to The American Psychological Association, Jeffers is not alone.

”Patients are seeing their therapists in a more natural and uncurated setting for the first time, and subsequently, a larger number of individuals than ever are quitting therapy,” said Edy Farmia, a representative from the APA. “It’s really lifting a veil between patient and provider that begs the question, ‘Is anyone really qualified to give advice to anyone else?’”

For his part, Dr. Bernard seemed to share a similar sense of disappointment in his patient. “I was not happy to see a ‘Fight Club’ poster on the wall behind him,” Bernard said. “And if he thinks I didn’t notice the pile of weed sitting on top of a Thrasher magazine, he needs more work than I thought.”

It Gets Worse: New Report Reveals Michael Jackson’s Sonic 3 Soundtrack Was Also Arranged by OJ Simpson

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

Fans of Sega’s iconic blue hedgehog have been wondering for years why the company has stopped distributing 1994’s Sonic the Hedgehog 3 on digital platforms or the recent Sega Genesis Classic. Although Sega has never officially acknowledged a popular theory as to why, various sources have suggested that controversial pop star Michael Jackson was a composer of the game’s soundtrack and was never credited due to allegations of sexual abuse which were made against him after development began. That’s not great, and unfortunately, it gets much worse: a new sweeping investigative report has not only confirmed that Michael Jackson did write the Sonic 3 music, but also that it was arranged by O.J. Simpson.

The report, published yesterday in the Associated Press, includes quotes from former and current Sega employees at various levels of the company as well as representatives from the estate of Michael Jackson, representatives for O.J. Simpson, and members of Sonic Team, who all independently confirmed the facts of the game’s development. It also included data from an early unreleased ROM of the game such as an unused Michael Jackson song for the game’s final boss and an unused bonus level where Sonic gets chased by police cars down the 405 freeway in Los Angeles.

“Sonic was one of the coolest, hippest brands of the 90’s, and pairing him with a pop superstar like Michael Jackson and a beloved athlete like O.J. Simpson made perfect sense in early 1993 when we began development,” said former Sega marketing executive Phillip Robison. “We were lucky that MJ was interested in Sonic, and we were lucky that OJ was interested in chiptune music. We were unlucky with pretty much everything that happened after that.”

“It’s a shame all of that extra material had to go to waste,” said series programmer and former Sonic Team lead Yuji Naka. “We eventually got to re-use the car chase idea in Sonic Adventure 2, but doing it on those hills in San Francisco it just doesn’t have the same oomph as the 405, you know? Still hurts to think about.”

Well, this is all incredibly unpleasant, and it definitely means we won’t be seeing Sonic 3 on the Nintendo Switch eShop anytime soon, but at least now we know why!

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Timmy and Tommy Nook Arrested for Insider Trading After Selling Turnips to Each Other

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Johnathan Appel

NEW YORK — Timmy and Tommy Nook, owners and operators of Nook’s Cranny, were arrested for insider trading of turnips this past Thursday, according to the office of the United States Attorney of the Southern District of New York.

“This is an open and shut case. Timmy and Tommy Nook have shown unimaginable greed and a blatant disregard to those who have invested their life savings and retirements in the Stalk Market,” U.S. Attorney Mark Bernard said in a statement. “They also have exclusive access to information on turnip prices before and after noon every day of the week, except for Sunday, of course. They used this information for pure profit and they need to be punished to the fullest extent of the law.”

According to the indictment, Timmy and Tommy Nook, who control daily turnip prices, allegedly sold nearly 3 million bells’ worth of turnips to each other over the past fiscal year using funds laundered through Nook’s Cranny, the small business they own and operate together. The full financial records of their embezzlement were not made available to the public.

“It just got out of hand…hand!” said Tommy Nook, quickly followed by Timmy Nook repeating each word in a softer voice. “People would just waltz into our shop and say, ‘Turnip prices?’ And then we could just make up any number and everyone would just go along with it. Then we realized we could get in on the action…action!”

The arrest of the Nooks has only increased calls from the public to form a Consumer Turnip Protection Bureau to provide regulatory oversight to the Stalk Market, which operates without supervision on thousands of deserted islands without any recourse for those who lose their investments to random price fluctuations.

“Today they decided to close [Nook’s Cranny] for renovations with no notice, and I have a hundred turnips sitting on my floor,” said a local villager, using the ‘distress’ reaction he had just learned from his animal neighbor to emphasize the gravity of the situation. “What am I supposed to do with them now?”

At press time, the U.S. Attorney’s office has also charged Timmy and Tommy Nook with falsification of financial documents after it was revealed that their practice of buying literally any fruit or piece of furniture offered to them was actually not turning a profit.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Activision: ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3’ Remake Not Coming Until Consoles Can Render Bam Margera In Full Detail

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Promising that they would release a definitive version of the 2001 classic as soon as modern processors are able to catch up to their bold vision, Activision announced today that although they will soon release a modern remaster of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1 + 2, that they will hold off on remastering Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 as well until consoles are capable of rendering skateboarder and Jackass star Bam Margera in full detail.

“We’re all excited to work with Vicarious Visions to bring this series back to life and to reunite players with all of its unforgettable stages and skaters,” said Activision CEO Bobby Kotick in a prepared statement. “Technology has grown in leaps and bounds since the original game was released in 1999, and we look forward to giving you the Tony Hawk experience like never before. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to hit the half-pipe with Bam again just yet, and for that we’re sorry. But we all want to make sure we get him right this time, so please be patient.”

“Rest assured, our whole team is hard at work to make this a reality next generation,” Kotick continued. “With the ray tracing and teraflop-computing potential of the PlayStation 5 and Xbox Series X, we’ll soon be able to render the mischievous Bam Margera along with all of his tattoos and Jackass-related scars with stunning realism.”

Members of the development team behind the remasters, which include former Neversoft employees who worked on the original games, gave accounts of the difficulty they encountered while prototyping HD models of Margera.

“The models we made for all of the skaters in the game are really detailed,” said senior character designer Janette Diaz. “But none of them have as much heart, soul, or glimmers of personality behind their eyes like Bam does. We tried for months to get his devilish grin just right, but we don’t quite have the polygon count to get past the uncanny valley yet. I bet by the end of the next console generation we’ll be able to really do him justice.”

Fans online were disappointed by the news, but supported Activision’s decision.

“Really bummed they’re not releasing the whole trilogy at once, but I’m willing to wait if it means they’re gonna get Bam’s character model right,” said Reddit user u/GrindOverMatter. “When I was a kid, that blocky, polygonal version of Bam wasn’t much to look at, but with enough imagination you could really imagine becoming him and skating around getting into all sorts of trouble. If they’re going to try and recreate that experience, I want it to really blow my mind this time. So I hope they take as much time as they need. Viva la Bam!”

At press time, Activision announced that the remasters would once again feature Spider-Man as an unlockable character, which enraged fans after they discovered that the character model for Spider-Man had been completely copied over from Insomniac’s 2018 Spider-Man game.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

How Telling People About Mindfulness Changed the Way I’m an Asshole to Them

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Ryan Harnedy

Hi. It’s me, your friend on Facebook who sends you articles about mindfulness. I hope you’re having a good day. Actually, I insist you have a good day. Feelings are a choice. That is a fact. That’s why it’s on Instagram captions. “Slay all day” is also a fact but that is not why we’re here to discuss. This is about mindfulness, which I will now condescendingly teach you about by paraphrasing an article I didn’t read.

Here we go! Breathe in good vibes. Now hold them. Good vibes only. Hold them. Continue to hold. Continue holding… you breathed didn’t you? Of course you did. You straight up suck at mindfulness.

You probably breathed out bad vibes. That can happen sometimes. It used to happen to me a lot but that was before when I was anxious and insecure, often going days without sharing vague advice that is both glaringly obvious yet seemingly impossible. “Live in the tension?” What the fuck does that mean? Sure, the meaning is clear but, like, how?

Sharing articles about mindfulness really has changed the way I’m an asshole to people. In fact, it changed the way I’ve been passive aggressive to people in every aspect of my life. Do you know how many nervous wrecks are out there, just looking for a way to feel better? Would those people probably benefit from me talking to them and listening to them and then possibly suggesting mindfulness exercises after they feel heard? Sure. Or you can send them like two articles and they’ll know you’re better at not being nervous than they are.

Thank you for taking a moment today to let me send you this article. If you need me I’ll be posting Good Vibes Only pictures on Instagram to remind people that being sad is their fault.

Man Sits in Car Parked in Driveway for 10 Hours to Catch Up on Podcasts

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

ELGIN, Ill. — Local graphic designer Oliver Boone sat in his parked car for approximately 10 hours yesterday, catching up on the podcasts he usually listens to on his commute, weirded out neighbors confirm.

“Before all of this, I had an hour and a half commute downtown every single day… and then I’d do it all again in the afternoon,” said Boone on one of his few bathroom breaks. “I could typically burn through ‘My Favorite Murder’ and ‘Stuff You Should Know’ just on a Monday. But now I’m like, three episodes behind on ‘Pod Save America’ and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I just have to hope and pray ‘30 for 30’ doesn’t drop a new season anytime soon or I’m completely fucked.”

Boone’s wife Cheryl doesn’t understand why Oliver had to retreat to his car to catch up.

“I told him he could put it on the Google speaker in the living room, but he said that was too impersonal,” said Ms. Boone while rewatching the first two seasons of “Killing Eve.” “I bought him some really nice wireless headphones so he could listen to them on the treadmill, but he said it just wasn’t the same. Then he went into the garage, backed the car into the driveway, and sat there for all of yesterday’s daylight hours. He just stares off into space… occasionally I see him laugh, and it’s very off-putting.”

The podcast community has felt the impact of the quarantine as well.

“Boone is a hero. Our listening number our way down, our Casper Mattress promo code hasn’t been used in weeks, and no one has tweeted our catchphrase ‘Mississippi Flippy’ at me since I can’t remember when,” said Ollie Greer, host of “Pod Man Out.” “I have a whole box of shirts printed with the inside joke, ‘All Hail the Queef Queen,’ just sitting in my living room. We need to get America back to work so they can enjoy podcasts again in real time. Otherwise, I might have to shut down one of my eight podcasts.”

Oliver plans to catch up on every “Planet Money” podcast before going inside to inaccurately recap them to his wife.

We Tried Six Different Meal Kits and They All Tasted Like Raw Ingredients and Spices

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Zach Raffio

Meal kits are the fun, easy way to bring your loved ones a fresh new meal each night of the week, without all the pesky shopping and kitchen prep. We tried six of the top meal kit services currently on the market but should note that each of the foods delivered just tasted like an assortment of raw, cold ingredients and various dry spices, so can’t say we’ll be ordering again any time soon.

At least when you order takeout the food is cooked. I guess it’s back to Uber Eats.

Here’s what we dug our forks into.

Blue Apron
First up was Blue Apron’s Smoky Chicken & Creamy Cilantro Sauce over Spicy Carrots and Farro. We expected a fragrant, zesty Mediterranean dish, but all we ate was raw chicken (can you say “bellyache”?) and a handful of dry cilantro that made me cough a lot. Smoky Chicken? More like NOky Chicken.

HelloFresh
After a particularly hectic workday, we were excited to bust open a box of HelloFresh’s Salmon Limone, and while we fancy some raw fish (sushi, anyone?), eating a tablespoon of straight lemon zest doesn’t quite punch the ticket. All sour, no sweet.

Sun Basket
We went with Sun Basket for an organic, extra mindful choice. The Pork Chops with Dried Apricot Mostarda sounded tasty, but its uncooked nature left the pork rubbery and harsh (can you say “bellyache”?). The apricot was a nice change of pace, but paying $32 a box for a single piece of fruit doesn’t seem quite worth it.

Freshly
Turkey-Mushroom Meatballs with Zoodles & Spring Pesto? I would have loved to try it, but instead, I was treated to more cold, bitter produce. Plus, a little sheet of paper describing how they made it. Meatballs seared on all sides? I guess we have different definitions of the word “seared”.

Purple Carrot
As the only vegan option on our tasting board, we were excited to open the box, plate some of their BBQ Pulled Jackfruit Sandwiches, and have a healthy Spring barbecue. Instead, it was just slimy cold vegetables and several dinner rolls (can you say “bellyache”?). Yeah, I think next time I’ll just have a hot dog, thank you!

Gobble
At this point, something had to change, So, when we saw that the Soy-Rizo Stuffed Poblano Peppers were yet another carefully separated and measured collection of adjacent ingredients, we decided to try and methodically combine them to create what actually was a really fresh, easy-to-make dinner for everyone. PRO TIP: Use that smug little sheet of directions to copy their recipe exactly. That’ll show em’.

Metal Band Regrets Naming New Album “Decimate the Weak and Underfunded Hospital Staff”

Posted on May 12, 2020 by Yancy Lee Crawford

CHICAGO — Levi Tanaka, bassist and lead vocalist of technical death metal band Rodeus, issued an apology today via Facebook Live for “Decimate the Weak and Underfunded Hospital Staff,” the insensitive title of the group’s most recent album.

“Our new album ‘Decimate the Weak and Underfunded Hospital Staff’ is, like, a metaphor for the state of society right now,” said Tanaka, reading off a crumpled piece of paper. “The whole album is a super-dense commentary that is definitely about more than hospital hallways running red with the blood of patients and caregivers, really. We wanted to push the boundaries of extreme metal a bit, but we know now that this title was a bad idea. I hope this apology is enough — I’m sick of people leaving boxes of shit on my doorstep and throwing piss-soaked wads of toilet paper at me every time I leave my house.”

Rodeus guitarist Diego McKey was equally remorseful.

“People are dying in real life, and we get why everyone is so upset. But, Levi’s lyrics are so deep, they don’t literally mean what they mean, you know? The prosecutors in Levi’s assault trial never used the lyrics from ‘Death Grip Buzzsaw Step Dad Splatter’ against him when he beat his step dad’s ass because that song is art, and art isn’t against the law,” said McKey. “That would be like arresting Van Gogh for painting a dope picture of a guy getting absolutely gutted with a knife.”

Tanya O’Neal, a nurse working multiple 24-hour shifts every week in the ICU, was outraged by the band’s new work.

“I checked out the new album since I had the day off, and I loved their last album, ‘Eviscerating the Inner City,’” said O’Neal. “I hadn’t read anything about it, but… it just seems mean, even for a metal band. Why would Levi say, ‘Scalpel to this loser’s head / Her Ph.D doesn’t mean anything when she’s dead / Serve the patients a blood smoothie / Their dying breath is this afternoon’s movie’ on a song called ‘Cleanse the ER in Viscera’ unless he meant exactly what he was inward screaming? This whole thing is really making me rethink their old stuff, like ‘Syrian Blood Donation’ and ‘Your Face Is My Toilet.’”

Rodeus’s “Slash All Healthcare Funding” tour dates have been postponed due to nationwide shelter-in-place orders, in addition to a positive coronavirus diagnosis for their drummer and bass player.

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