Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Editor Looks Forward to Receiving One New Page from George R.R. Martin

Posted on May 15, 2020 by Ashley Naftule

SANTA FE, N.M.— Bantam Books editor Krista Lowell is reportedly very excited to receive at least one new page of George R.R. Martin’s highly anticipated book “Winds of Winter” this week, the page slated to finally be completed while the majority of the country is in lockdown.

“George has an ambitious 600 words a year goal,” said a visibly excited Lowell via Zoom conference. “He doesn’t always hit that mark because he gets distracted easily by things like room temperature, birds in the distance, and people driving by his house screaming, ‘Get to fucking work, George.’ But now that he’s locked in, he’s certain to produce one whole new page in the ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ saga, and I get to keep my job for another year.”

With the recent stay-at-home order placed on New Mexico, Martin is no longer able to attend conferences, collect fisherman’s caps, or hunt live human beings for sport — activities critics say keep him away from his writing.

“I’m going all-out on this bitch,” Martin declared on his blog. “Everyday I’m hammering away at this keyboard like it’s your mom’s pussy — the only difference is this typewriter doesn’t make my fingers stink for days. For everyone out there giving me shit for wanting to make this right, just go ahead and rewatch season eight of ‘Game of Thrones’ and then come at me. This one page is going to be better than everybody else’s whole-ass books.”

Industry professionals like Lowell aren’t the only ones eagerly anticipating a new page by the acclaimed author. Indeed, diehard fans like Keith Ellory are counting the years until they can read Martin’s book.

“One new page from George is a major development. That means there are less than 600 pages left to go before it’s a full book,” Ellory said. “I just hope it isn’t a Sand Snake chapter or a Rolly Duckworth POV. And please, for the love of the Many-Faced God, don’t let it be an Areo Hotah chapter.”

Sources close to Martin confirm the new page is from a Quentyn Martell ghost chapter and includes three paragraphs devoted to gravy-soaked bread trenchers, along with five references to studded brocade.

We Look Back on Blur’s Hit “Woo-Hoo”

Posted on May 15, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

Hello there Hard Times readers! My grandchild, The Hard Times, is feeling under the weather today so they couldn’t write anything. But don’t worry! The Hard Times was in the middle of writing one of their funny little article thingys and they said I could finish it! It’s a song review and it’s one I actually know, can ya believe it?! Anyway, here’s my review of “Woo-hoo” by The Blur!

This song certainly was everywhere, wasn’t it? From commercials to movies, you couldn’t go anywhere in 1997 without hearing it. Or was it 1998? It was the year that my little The Hard Times got their first mosh pit injury. Such a cute little crowd surfer, too. We’ll see if we can find a photo but don’t tell because they’ll be embarrassed, lol! This sure is a catchy tune. I’d sing along, but other than the woo-hoo part I’m not really sure what he’s saying.

Has The Hard Times told you about their uncle Steve’s band? Now THERE is some comedy! I keep telling them to do an article about uncle Steve but they say I know nothing about comedy. Of course they’d say that. They don’t even think “The Big Bang Theory” is funny, so what do they know!

Oh boy, little HT is awake and yelling about something. You’d think they’d be a bit more appreciative of me bailing them out. I think they’re still upset about the time they got sick last year and I wrote that how Michael Graves was the best Misfits singer.

Quarantined Punk Vandalizes Own Bathroom

Posted on May 15, 2020 by Zac Lux

BROOKLYN — Quarantined punk Lex Sykes took to his own bathroom last week to practice his vandalism skills due to the ongoing closures of bars during the COVID-19 pandemic, horrified sources confirmed.

“What can I say? I didn’t want to get rusty, and I need to keep my creative juices flowing,” said Sykes shortly after scribbling multiple sexually suggestive messages on his own toilet. “I’ve just been sitting around all day, slurping down cranberry juice and watching tapes of old shows, and it’s been alright… but I feel like I’m slipping on my technique. I haven’t been able to sleep, just knowing all these bathrooms going un-vandalized for months that I’ll have to hit when this wraps up. It’s overwhelming. I have to be on my A-game when quarantine ends.”

Grace Gardner, Sykes’ roommate for the past three years, has been reluctantly supportive of him wreaking havoc on their communal bathroom.

“Bathroom graffiti is really the only thing that makes Lex happy. Slapping one of his band’s stickers in a urinal makes him light up like a kid on Christmas morning,” said Gardner while crossing out her phone number from a “for a good time call” tag Sykes just wrote. “He isn’t drinking as much as he usually does, hasn’t huffed glue in weeks… he’s taking better care of himself, and it’s clear he’s been depressed. But as soon as he pissed on our roll of toilet paper and punched a hole in the door, he was back to his normal self. I’m a little upset about losing our security deposit, but for him to feel confident in his vandalizing skills? Well, you can’t put a price on that.”

Randy Pitt, the highest-rated plumber in Williamsburg, was called to fix the shattered toilet this morning after Sykes got too hasty with his bathroom-bashing.

“The amount of bathrooms and kitchens I’ve been called to fix is staggering,” said Pitt. “It’s not just punks making bathrooms into inhospitable warzones — it’s also mild-mannered housewives and the elderly, just looking to get out some aggression. Destruction of public amenities will run rampant once this wraps up. It’s going to be so bad, folks will be begging to be quarantined in their little shithole apartments again.”

In related news, bar owners across the city are encouraged to stop scraping stickers off their bathroom walls, as landfills in the tri-state area have exceeded their capacity to handle them.

Gamer Honors Friend at Funeral With Homie Stock

Posted on May 14, 2020 by Liam O'Malley

MONROE, Ohio — Following a time-honored Super Smash Bros. tradition to even the score between players, local gamer and mourning friend Dave Werner took a homie stock at the funeral of his friend, Paul Mason, whom he believed had self-destructed unintentionally.

“When I heard Paul died, I was devastated,” said Werner, who attempted to take his own stock by going out-of-bounds and is now in critical condition. “Once I found out it was because he tripped down a flight of stairs, I knew that was some total BS from his surroundings. It’s only fair to even the odds. I just thought Paul would have wanted it this way.”

Werner was initially one of the pallbearers for the funeral, but quickly sprinted away from the proceedings once they reached the cemetery.

“He just started running while they were carrying Paul’s coffin and screamed about having to hit the stage boundary, whatever that means,” said Allegra Mason, Paul’s wife. “Thanks to him, the other pallbearers lost their balance and Paul’s body tumbled out of the coffin onto his son. I’m used to putting up with Paul’s weird college friends, but this is a new low.”

Despite the heartfelt act of respect to his friend, Werner’s actions were viewed as immature and reckless by most of the funeral party.

“That was a really foolish thing Dave did. Nobody homie stocks when you’re down to your last life,” George Sanders explained. “He probably just did it cause he knew he couldn’t beat Paul even with the lead.”

Others were less critical of Werner and wished they had been able to talk him off of the ledge he’d been dangling from.

“God works in mysterious ways, and sometimes that means he plays with stage hazards on,” pastor Frank Taylor said. “I’m praying that Mr. Werner will understand this and accept that his friend is in a better place now. Taking a homie stock might seem like the answer, but grief is actually like that one Super Mario Galaxy themed stage where if you run off screen you just end up on the other side back where you started.”

At press time, Werner reportedly filled up his Limit Gauge but, but shot off a Blade Beam at no one in particular, because it felt unfair.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Man Can’t Wait to Suck at Jackbox In Person Again

Posted on May 14, 2020 by Tyler Simpson

KANSAS CITY, Kan. — Local gamer Collin Hackett is reportedly excited for the quarantine to be over so he can suck at Jackbox, the popular collection of multiplayer party games, with his friends in person again.

“Being complete ass at Jackbox just isn’t the same over Zoom,” Hackett stated while he typed ‘something not nice’ as his response to the Quiplash prompt ‘What’s the last thing you want your doctor to say to you?’

“You don’t feel the rejection as palpably as you do when you’re in a crowded living room,” he continued. “I miss my friends laughing at every response to a Quiplash prompt except for mine, which generally tend to garner nice throat clearing or sometimes a couple of forced chuckles.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Collin isn’t the only one of his social circle that misses him being absolute dogshit at the game.

“It’s nice having someone around that makes you feel better about your own contributions,” said Melanie Sanders, a friend of Collin’s. “Every time I feel like I’ve certainly made the worst T-shirt in TKO he’ll draw one with a smiley face so bad he has to write the word ‘smiley face,’ under it. Collin’s the best.”

Several members of the friend group revealed that they didn’t realize Collin’s ineptitude was the glue holding their social interactions together.

“It’s the same exact games, but you really miss out on the best parts when you are playing online,” said Hal Weatherby, another friend of Hackett’s. “Like making eye contact behind Collin’s back about just how unimaginative a grown human being can be. Sometimes for a gag he’ll make his name be Collin with one ‘L’. I mean Jesus, man. But online all the fun is gone. We actually are switching games because this is just too boring.”

As of press time, Collin was asking for more time before he took his turn in an online game of Cards Against Humanity.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Customer and Cashier Make Silent Pact to Re-Litigate Overcharge on Beans Once Coronavirus Over

Posted on May 14, 2020 by Lauren Lavin

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A grocery store cashier and shopper wordlessly agreed moments ago to re-negotiate an overcharge on bulk beans after the Coronavirus pandemic has passed, both parties confirmed separately.

“When I mentioned the price, I saw how haggard and haunted [the cashier] was. I didn’t have it in me to bug her, even if I did pay an extra $3 for this bag of dry lentils. I’m a good person,” said aggrieved shopper Kira Cardoza, who was frustrated by the overcharge but also “weirdly aware of my own power in that moment, and ultimately, humbled by it.” “But as we locked eyes, I almost heard a voice, saying, ‘Let us agree to take this up again in better times, my worthy opponent.’ So, I’ll wait. If it takes a whole year or more, I will not forget about these beans.”

Customer Skyler Evans observed the incident from six feet away and said other nearby shoppers began to sigh and groan “like a fuckin’ shockwave” before being pleasantly surprised by what followed.

“We had to wait to get in; now we’re gonna be stuck while ‘Karen’ has her moment. But then, something magical happened… they looked at each other and seemed to come to a solemn agreement about something. The air was like, crackling,” Evans recalled. “They finished up with no problems and parted ways. The intensity of that interaction was the closest I’ve gotten to sex in over a month.”

Exhausted cashier Alexis Pearson said that she had all the bulk codes memorized “a lifetime ago,” but that the cashier she used to be is “now gone, no more than a memory from more simple times.”

“My 10 minute break is almost over,” she said, before applying the cloth mask she was asked to make and supply for herself.

Asked if he planned to honor the unspoken commitment to discuss the overcharge with Cardoza at a later date, Pearson said, “Of course, as long as she remembers to bring the receipt, which I indicated clearly when I blinked once. I’m starting to get really good at communicating with just my eyes because of the whole face mask thing.”

I’m Starting to Think I’m Only in This Threesome Because I Own the Hot Tub

Posted on May 14, 2020 by James Knapp

You know, when this couple asked to have sex in my hot tub I kind of just assumed they meant with me as well. But the way things have been going so far, I’m beginning to think I may have read into it a little too much why they pointed to my jacuzzi and asked: “do you mind?”

Okay, maybe I’m just being overly self-conscious. I just have to live in the moment here. I mean, isn’t this what I bought this hot tub for in the first place. Sure, they may not be paying much attention to me now, but I’ll get my chance. I’m pretty sure one of them rubbed my balls with their foot earlier; that’s a good sign right? Yeah, this is gonna be awesome!

Although now that I think of it, when they asked to use the hot tub they did look a little confused when I got in too. I wonder if I should have thought anything of it when he shrugged and said: “I guess this is fine.” No, right? He was probably talking about the water temperature anyway. I just wish they’d stop referring to me as ‘the perv.’

Should I be doing anything right now? They’ve clearly gotten into a pretty good rhythm; I feel bad interrupting. Maybe I can rub his shoulders or hold her hair or something. Just any human contact at this point would be a relief. Seriously, I don’t know how much longer I can keep this erection going on my own.

This all feels very similar to when that lesbian couple from down the block asked to use the tub last month. They were still really nice but as I recall all they let me do was adjust the jet settings while they scissored and I still had to clean up afterward. Goddammit, why does this keep happening?

Alright, c’mon, man. Time to get in the game here. You are sexy and desirable and one or both of these people want you inside of them. So fluff yourself up real quick and let’s find an angle in there.

Quarantined Black Metal Guitarist Clearly Only Doing Corpse Paint from the Chin Up

Posted on May 14, 2020 by Justin Lentz

OSLO, Norway — Local guitarist Evan “Blood Vacuum” Brulend upset his bandmates yesterday when a filtering mishap revealed his corpse paint stopped just below his jawline, brooding sources confirmed.

“I honestly didn’t think this would be a big deal — it’s not like I’m going out into the woods to commune with the dark spirits or anything; I’m just lounging around on the couch. I don’t feel the need to go full-body every day. This shit is expensive,” said Brulend. “I mean, I got the whole face, and I didn’t slack off around the ears. This is a time of crisis — I want to make sure I have enough paint to last until I can get back to the mall. Sure, I was caught, but you would do the same thing in my situation.”

Brulend’s pale-to-pinkish neck and torso sent shockwaves through his band, Funeral Heart.

“We were talking about the best way to record in cemeteries during the pandemic, when all of a sudden, all I could see was the flesh tone of a common speed metal fan. I couldn’t concentrate. I was devastated,” said drummer Are “Rammer” Lysvand. “I question everything about his commitment — not only to the band, but to brutality as a whole. He didn’t even wear his casual gauntlets on the video chat. It’s like we barely know him.”

Recordings of the Zoom meeting are circulating inside the black metal community.

“I really can’t think of a time I’ve been more disappointed,” said longtime black metal superfan Marc Strimberg. “I thought it was bad when James “Apocalypston” Lepston from Duskfall was spotted with his wife and kids visiting the Sistine Chapel — he just took photos like some normie, but at least he was still in full corpse paint and scowling in each photo. What Blood Vacuum did is an insult to the entire genre.”

Trying to get ahead of the controversy, the band’s label CorpseHanger Records released a statement on a series of branded runes on lambskin, which were sent away for translation.

Samus Can’t Wait to Show Double Jump Off At High School Reunion

Posted on May 13, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

DULUTH, Minn. — A recent invitation to her 20 year high school reunion has Samus Aran, graduate of Howard Olson High School and star of the Metroid franchise, feeling excited about showing off the attributes and abilities she has gained in the subsequent decades following graduation.

“Oh man, I was a real late bloomer,” said the famed intergalactic bounty hunter, who reportedly kept mostly to herself in high school. “But I feel like I’ve really found myself since we graduated. I started dressing better, I got some new arm cannons, and I added a full 30 feet to my vertical since I got cut from the JV basketball team. Can’t wait to show everyone how much I’ve changed!”

Many of Aran’s classmates were surprised to hear about her transformation, and welcomed seeing what has become of her.

“Sure, I remember Mamus [sic],” said Brock Harbor, a classmate of Aran’s and all-star athlete. “Wasn’t she that chick that would just explore the whole school during lunch while everyone else ate in the cafeteria? Oh man, I wonder what ever happened to her. I heard a rumor that Tony saw her at a Speedway and she was using a Wave Beam and had gotten hot! That can’t be true, right?”

Grover Spunsley, long time vice principal of Howard Olson High School, was excited to have his school’s most famous alum return.

“We are so proud to welcome Samus back to Howard Olson High, and are thrilled that she has agreed to give a speech about reaching the heights she never was able to before,” he said. “I think I’m going to ask her if she can get up on the roof too and see what’s been making that terrible noise. I think those racoons are back!”

As of press time, Aran was panicking about seeing everyone from high school and had rolled herself up into a ball in the airport bathroom.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Experts Worry Unreal Engine 5 Will Deplete the World’s Supply of Triangles

Posted on May 13, 2020 by Patrick Susmilch

CARY, N.C. — Epic Games revealed their upcoming Unreal Engine 5 today, a program with such staggering capability that experts are worried it will deplete the world’s supply of triangles within the next console generation.

“Few realize this, but the earth only has a finite supply of triangles,” said Sierra Club President Loren Blackford. “We’ve been worried about dwindling triangle reserves since the release of the Playstation and Nintendo 64. Before then, systems could render maybe 50 triangles per second. But suddenly there were multiple systems capable of rendering over 100,000 triangles per frame.”

Shortly after the release of the fifth console generation, environmental researchers began seeing a noticeable reduction in geometric complexity around the globe.

“The first areas hit were places with dense vegetation like the Amazon Rainforest,” explained Blackwell. “Without sufficient vertices, we saw entire swaths of the forest replaced with low-poly versions. It was ugly.”

“With the advent of the sixth and seventh console generations, we began seeing damage in areas once thought immune,” added Blackwell.

Many users around the world have noticed the devastating effects.

“I’ve been climbing my whole life,” said professional rock climber Chris Sandoval, “and the loss of graphical fidelity in many mountain ranges is depressing. The Himalayas are just a skybox now. If we don’t act we’ll be lucky if the earth looks like the original Star Fox after this.”

When asked how to solve the crisis, Blackwell suggested a fundamental shift in AAA game development.

“Instead of making the same games, but with better graphics, we need new ways to use the graphics we already have.” Blackwell said. “Maybe a game where you play as the thoughts of a bird or something?”

When asked if she would purchase one of the next-generation consoles, Blackwell responded, “No, I’m doing the responsible thing. I’m still playing Snake on my Motorola Razr.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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